Chapter 31
THIRTY-ONE
Janie
It’s Christmas Eve, and I should be wrapping last-minute presents for Aria, maybe baking cookies or watching holiday movies or doing anything other than obsessing over Rourke’s whereabouts.
Instead, I’ve been doing exactly what I shouldn’t: checking my phone every few minutes, hoping for a call or any information on Rourke’s location. Even the “I need to talk to you” text I sent him has gone unanswered…and all I can ask is why.
I tossed and turned for a few hours last night, but my mind kept circling back to where Rourke might have gone. Not knowing is the worst part—wondering if he’s spending Christmas Eve alone somewhere, thinking he did the right thing by walking away from us before Christmas.
And what pains me the most is that he thought it might be the right thing to just leave—that going away would somehow solve everything when all it did was splinter my heart.
Aria crawls over from her toy corner, dragging the teddy bear that Rourke gave her. I know she doesn’t understand what’s happening, but I don’t know how to explain that he’s gone. That the man who looked at her like he’d give her the world has disappeared from our lives.
I pick up Aria, cradling her against me. She immediately snuggles into my neck, whimpering slightly. “I miss him too, baby girl,” I whisper. “We’re going to find him in time for Christmas.”
I breathe in her baby shampoo scent one last time, trying to let it calm me the way it always has. She’s my first priority—always has been—and she deserves a father in her life who is more than a name on her birth certificate.
In the last few weeks, it’s been incredibly clear to me who that person is.
Rourke. He’s been the person to show up, doing the hard and dirty work of loving us day after day without expecting anything in return.
It took a long time for my heart to see that in him.
And it took him leaving to make me realize he’d do anything for us.
He not only accepted us, he wanted all of it. The baby chaos, the interrupted sleep, the constant juggling of nap schedules and work and time together.
Aria whimpers, reaching for her teddy bear, clearly as unsettled as I am about Rourke’s disappearance.
I hand her the bear to play with while I scroll through pictures on my phone, something to occupy my mind since I’m clearly not getting anything done today.
As my thumb swipes through pictures from the Christmas tree farm, I stop on a picture of us in the sleigh.
Aria and I are smiling at the camera, but Rourke isn’t even looking at it.
He’s smiling at us like we’re his world.
And somehow, in that moment, I think we were.
How did I not notice this before?
Tears prick the corners of my eyes as Aria babbles something that strangely sounds like dada.
“No, Daddy is heading to Aspen,” I answer automatically.
“Dada?” she repeats, and when I glance at her, she’s holding her teddy bear—the one Rourke gave her.
That’s when it hits me: She wants Rourke, not Nick.
The man who chose us. Who would be here now, if Nick hadn’t messed up our lives.
And maybe my daughter is finally giving me the answer I’ve needed to hear.
Because sitting here, feeling sorry for myself, isn’t solving anything. Not when I could be out there searching for him.
I glance at the star on the tree, the one Rourke bought for me in Santaville, and I already know what I want. I always knew, actually. This is my family. Not because genetics or certificates say so, but because love does.
That’s when I decide to pick up the phone and call Brax.
“Hey, Brax, did you find out anything yet?”
“Sorry, Janie,” Brax says. “I’ve called everyone I can think of. Leo, Jaxon, Coach Jenkins. Nobody knows where Rourke went.”
I bite my nail, a sinking feeling in my chest. “He can’t just disappear. People don’t vanish like that.”
“We’re not giving up, Janie,” Brax says. “Tate’s making some calls, trying to hunt down a few leads.”
I pace the floor, trying to think of any hints he might have dropped. “Does he go anywhere? Places he likes to vacation?”
“No. He usually stays in town.”
I rub my forehead. “Well, if you hear anything from him, call me.”
I end the call, putting on Aria’s coat, even though she hates being bundled up. The temperature has dropped, and if we’re going out, I don’t want her to be cold.
Maybe I’ll drive through town and run into him, but that seems hopeless too. Most of the shops and restaurants are closed on Christmas Eve.
My phone rings again, and I answer before sliding on my coat.
“Hey, Janie. It’s Tate. I might have something.”
My breath catches. “Yeah?”
“You remember that Christmas town you guys went to?” Tate asks. “Santaville?”
“What about it?”
“Rourke mentioned it this week after one of our games. He said a rental company left a message on his phone, but he didn’t say why. It’s a long shot…but do you think he’d go there?”
Santaville. The Christmas festival where we got stuck overnight. It’s far enough away that I wouldn’t find him, but close enough that he could’ve made the drive after the show last night.
“I don’t know,” I say, suddenly feeling some hope. “But it’s worth a try.”
“Wait.” Tate pauses. “You’re not going to make a road trip, are you?”
“He won’t answer my calls, Tate. And I know if I call the booking office, they won’t hand out his personal information. I just have to go there myself.”
Tate pauses. “But it’s late. You’ll be driving in the dark on Christmas Eve.”
I peek behind a blind. The sun is setting, the empty trees rustling against heavy gray clouds.
I bite my lip, watching as Aria plays on the floor. She’d probably fall asleep in the car. And I already know I won’t be sleeping tonight until I find out where Rourke is.
“Well, I guess that means I need to leave now.” I’m already picking up Aria, moving toward my room, mentally cataloging what we’ll need for a quick trip.
“Janie, are you sure about this?” Tate asks nervously. “Can you handle taking Aria by yourself? Lauren and I can tag along with you.”
“Thanks for the offer, but I can’t interrupt your Christmas too. Lauren told me you were planning on spending the day with her family.”
“We were, but we’d drop our plans to help you.”
I fling open my closet door. “I appreciate that, Tate, but I can do this on my own.” I take out a small overnight bag and throw my clothes and Aria’s inside. “If we’re going to spend our first Christmas together, then I need to take her. And I already know the way.”
Tate pauses. “Uh, Janie, what will you do if you don’t find him?” It’s the question that’s already been circling in my mind. “What if you drive all that way and…”
“I’m wrong?” I finish for him before tossing a package of diapers inside the bag. “Tate, finding Rourke is literally my only shot at saving Christmas.”
I absolutely won’t let him spend it alone. Not after he brought so much light into our lives or the way he looks at us like we’re his everything. He gave us his heart. I’m not letting him think he doesn’t get ours in return.
“I have to go,” I say quietly. “I need to find him.”
“Good luck, Janie. I hope Rourke knows how much you love him.”
“If he doesn’t yet, he will. I’m not giving up on us.”
I grab my keys and head for the door, then pause. There’s something I need first. A few somethings, actually. Starting with Christmas.
I can’t take the actual tree, so instead, I grab the Christmas plant, all the gifts, and at the last minute, the Christmas star ornament.
Then I remember the most important thing of all: the Carolina Crushers jersey with “Riley” printed across the back. Setting Aria on the floor, I take off my shirt and slip on the jersey. It overwhelms my body and is not at all right for Christmas, but for this trip, it feels strangely perfect.
When we’re finally ready, I tuck Aria into her car seat with her Crushers teddy bear before hanging the star ornament from the rearview mirror.
For a few seconds, I just sit there, tracing its edges, the glass smooth against my fingertips.
“Let’s hope this will be our North Star.”
Then I turn the key.
Time to find my grinch before Christmas.