Chapter Twenty-One
Perish
She was avoiding me.
I thought at first that she was just a little restless, always getting up and moving around the clubhouse.
Lord knew I was getting a little cabin fever too.
But on the second day of her seeming to find an excuse to leave the room every damn time I entered it, there was no way it was a coincidence.
Pair that with the memory of her coming up from the basement after we’d had sex in the glass room, with her red-rimmed eyes and blotchy cheeks, and, yeah, something wasn’t right.
Sure, I’d heard endless stories at this point—from Gracie herself and her cousins and uncles—about how much she cried over things, everything from birthday cards to TV commercials. But there was no way those tears weren’t connected to me.
If it was any other interaction, I would have worried I’d physically hurt her. I was a big fucking guy. Sometimes I worried I didn’t know my own strength, especially with someone more delicate like Gracie.
But in the glass room, I’d been soft with her.
I hadn’t hurt her.
Not that way.
It was something else.
And I was over the knot in my stomach worrying about it.
So I waited until everyone went to sleep or outside to do a sweep. Then I made my way down the basement stairs.
I expected her to be asleep, to have to wake her up and try to demand some answers. Even if the logical part of my brain knew I had no fucking right to ask for them.
But when I got to the bottom step, I heard a sniffle, then a little whimper.
There was a split second where everything in me screamed to turn and run.
Because, fuck, what the hell did I know about soothing a crying woman?
The other part of me, though, felt flayed open at the sound and desperately needed to put an end to it.
So I stepped forward toward the bunk bed.
Then, seeing her curled up to the far end near the wall, I sat down on the edge and placed my hand on her hip.
Her whole body stiffened as a gasp escaped her.
“Come here,” I demanded, pushing her hip until she was flat, then reaching for her wrist.
“I’m fi—”
“You can tell me to fuck off,” I cut her off. “But don’t lie to me.”
She lay there, staring up at me with swollen eyes and wet cheeks, her lashes all clumped together with her tears.
“Do you want me to fuck off?”
“Yes… no…”
“Well, ’til you make up your mind on that, come here.”
When I pulled, she folded up.
My arm went around her back, guiding her until she was up on my lap, her head under my chin.
She sucked in a deep breath that shook on its way out. And a pathetic little whimpering sound escaped her that felt like acid poured in that open wound in my chest.
My arms went tighter around her, like maybe if I tried hard enough, I could hold us both together.
“Shit’s getting kind of confusing, ain’t it?”
I got a little nod at that.
“Dunno if avoiding me is the answer to it, if you’re down here by yourself crying.”
“There is no answer,” she said, voice small.
“Maybe not. But being alone with it doesn’t seem to be doing anything good.”
“Preparation for what happens in a day or two or a week… when all this is over.”
We’re not gonna talk about the gut-punch sensation those words caused.
“Shouldn’t have put my hands on you,” I said. Her body tensed, tried to pull away. I held her tighter. “No. Not what I meant. I don’t regret… this.” Whatever this was. “But I regret that you’re upset because of it.”
“I’ll be fine,” she insisted, tone getting a little far away.
“Don’t do that. Not with me.”
“Do what?”
“Act like you’re fine when you’re not. Know it’s what you do because you don’t want to be a burden, don’t want people to worry about you. But it’s not gonna work with me.”
“What do you want then?” she asked, tone sharper than I’d ever heard it. I figured that was a good sign. She wasn’t shutting down on me anymore.
“I want you to tell the truth.”
“Why?”
“Because I think we owe each other that.”
“Why? Because we’re sleeping together?”
That wasn’t real bitterness on her tongue. That was her attempt to cover hurt with hard. I knew that move so well that there was no way she could bait me into any kind of anger back at it.
“Because I think we both know we’re not just sleeping together.”
“That’s exactly—”
“Gonna cut you off there. Not gonna act like I know your dating history. But I’m going to go ahead and assume that I’ve done a lot more casual fucking than you have.”
That got a surprised little snort out of her.
“I’ve… I’ve always been a boyfriend girl.”
“Figured. I’ve never been a girlfriend guy.”
“I know. And I knew that before…”
“Which is why,” I cut her off before she could blame herself for being conflicted and confused just because she knew I slept around a lot before getting involved with me, “I can tell you from experience that there is nothing confusing about fucking. Even fucking someone over and over. When it’s just fucking, that’s all it is.
“You know how it is with the club girls. Could fuck the same girl a couple times a month for a year and still not feel anything. Same goes for her. Because that’s all it is and all it’ll ever be.”
“I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around that,” she admitted.
“I know. But you can trust me on this part is what I’m getting at. Casual is casual. But this,” I said, running my hand up and down her arm, “this hasn’t just been casual. And I’m confused about it, so I get why you’re feeling some sort of way about it too, without that experience.”
“So… what now?” she asked, her fingers toying with the neckline of my shirt, a little self-soothing gesture that made me wish I could give her the answers she wanted.
“I don’t know,” I admitted. “But I know that if this is making you cry, then we gotta figure out how to stop that.”
“Are you… are you saying you’re done?”
“I don’t know what I’m saying. All I know is knowing you’re upset is gutting me. So I can’t imagine it’s any better for you. I guess the question I have is… is this too much?”
“I don’t know.”
“Quite a fucking pair,” I said with a humorless laugh. “Neither of us knows shit.”
A little laugh escaped her too.
“I don’t want to stop,” she admitted after a long moment.
“Even though you’re upset about it?”
“Even though.”
“But what if it gets worse?”
“Then it gets worse.”
“That’s not—”
It was her turn to cut me off.
“Have you ever done something for the thrill of it, even though you knew it might not end well?”
“Pretty much sums up a lot of my life when I was younger.”
“I… I really haven’t done much of that. I’ve always been really careful.
I always weigh the good and the bad. I tend to overthink until the opportunity has disappeared, making the decision for me.
I’m always scared about the ‘what ifs’ about things.
And I just… I think I’ve missed out on a lot because I’m scared of things going badly. I don’t want to do that here.”
“I get that. Problem is, you’re upset about it while in it too.”
“Because I’m thinking about the what-ifs. Maybe I can stop doing that. Just enjoy it until… until I can’t anymore.”
“Okay,” I agreed.
“Okay?”
“Okay. But I think we need a safe word.”
“A safe word? For like…”
“No. I mean, hey, if that’s your kink, we can play. But no. I meant… if at some point you decide you want out, we need an easy way for you to tell me that.”
“I don’t want out.”
“In case you do.”
“Fine. What’s the word?”
“Apricot.”
“Apricot? Why apricot?”
“Because it’s weird enough for you not to say it by mistake, but common enough that you won’t sound like a lunatic if someone else hears it out of context.”
“Okay. Apricot. Got it.”
“Say it, write it, whatever, and I’ll back off, leave you alone.”
She nodded.
“I don’t want to be left alone right now.”
“Good. ‘Cause I don’t plan on leaving yet.”
“Can I ask if there’s been any progress on everything?”
“Junior thinks he’s zeroing in. The guys have been trying to round up some of my old crew, see if they’re still with Cameron. If they are, they will lean and we will get a meet-up.”
“I know I should be happy since everyone’s lives are disrupted.”
“I’ve been enjoying this too, baby. So until then, no more avoiding me?”
“Nope,” she agreed. “In fact, I might need to go to the kitchen late tonight for a bottle of water… then just get turned around.”
“Maybe around one.”
“Why one?”
“They will be changing shifts at around midnight. Gives everyone a chance to do a solid round before they start getting bored and not so diligent. But not before they get hungry or need more coffee.”
“You’ve given this a lot of thought.”
“Wanna get as much time alone with you as I can while I can.”
“How alone do you think we are right now?” she asked, shifting her body until she was straddling me.
Voss saw me come down the stairs and would assume I was staking a claim on the glass room for a few hours. No one was coming for a bit.
“Alone enough.”