Chapter 59
59
SHILOH
Toby never kept the nightmares away. He just let me think they were going away. He lied to me…for over a year. I fucking cut back on my therapy because of it!
“What asshole?” Don asks and I whip my gaze to him. I forgot he was here. I forgot the man who has taken care of me for the last month because my entire world just shattered at the realization that my best friend lied to me.
“How much do you know about how I came to end up at Kink Manor?” I ask him and he tells me Matt told him a little bit.
I nod in acknowledgment and steady my breathing. Not even Toby knows the full extent. He saw the way I was still limping when he moved in months after me. He knows my story is not a happy one, but he only knows what my nightmares revolve around. I’ve only ever given enough to explain away my reactions to things based on who I was when the guys found me three years ago. This will be the first time I’m telling anyone my story in its entirety, including the parts not even my therapist knows.
“My father died when I was three.” The words pour out and I struggle to keep going. It’s time to trust these men with my whole heart.
“Mama’s parents helped us a little bit after that, but they both passed when I was four or five. I don’t remember struggling financially, but we must have because two weeks before my sixth birthday, Mama surprised me by telling me she found me a new Daddy. That was the day she brought Frank to our home.”
“He’s a good man, Shy. You’ll see. A boy needs a father.”
My mother’s words swirl around in my head. She said it enough times that I couldn’t forget if I tried. I reach for my now tepid coffee and choke down a mouthful to wet my suddenly dry mouth. Why the fuck is this so hard?
“At first it was great having a dad. I mean, I was teased mercilessly at school for being raised by a single mother.”
It feels weird when the smile starts to form on my face. The memories aren’t all bad, but it’s been a long ass time since I’ve let myself remember the good times.
“Frank would play catch with me. He took me to Pirate games in the summer and to my one and only Pens game that fall. He even took me to the Carnegie Science Center when they had the traveling dinosaur exhibit .
“But it all changed when we were at the mall and he ran into one of his high school buddies. I overheard them ask him who my real daddy was because let’s face it, no one would ever assume my father is an almost seven foot tall Nordic giant. I didn’t realize it then because I was just a kid, but that was enough to twist it in his mind that Mama and I humiliated him.”
I turn my head to stare out my window. I know I’ll never get through everything if I have to see their reactions. This is my deepest pain. Michael might have been abusive, but he never even tried to show me love. He was never family. Frank was the only father I had ever known.
“After we got home that day, he was always mad. Mama tried to cheer him up and make him happy, but he just drank more and more. I started to notice bruises on Mama when I would come home from school. She said she was just clumsy, but a part of me knew better, especially when she started to send me over to Mr. Jones’s house more often.”
My breath hitches and I focus on the hands that are gripping my thigh. I still can’t look at him, but I know Toby has an idea of where things are going.
“One day, shortly after my seventh birthday, I skipped school and hid in the tree in Mr. Jone’s backyard so that I could watch over my mama.”
I pull my knees to my chest, dislodging Toby’s hands. My eyes are no longer seeing the sprawling college campus outside of the window. All I can see is the old house with my neon green BMX bike thrown haphazardly on the lawn. I swear I can almost the smell of apples in the air from the bushels we brought back from Trax Farms the week before it all went to hell.
A hand grips the back of my neck and pulls me out of the memory. I meet Don’s sympathetic eyes before resting my chin on my knees and recentering myself. I have to remember that I’m no longer alone. Even though nothing has been said, I know these two complete me and I’ll fight every fucking day to keep them.
“Mama didn’t fall like she always told me she did. I watched through the window and saw when Frank slapped her so hard she couldn’t keep her feet. I remember he was screaming about her getting the wrong milk.
“I was in shock. He beat her. The only father figure I could ever know was hurting my mother. All because the store ran out of whole milk and she had to buy two percent for his coffee. I fell out of the tree which resulted in a broken wrist. But I didn’t care about my own pain as I raced into the house. I remember screaming at Frank over and over to stop hitting my mother.”
Daddy! Stop! Mama’s crying! Please, Daddy Frank!
“At one point, I guess I threw myself in the way and got slammed into the cabinets hard enough to crack a few more bones and get a decent concussion. I was lucky, they said…”
The self deprecating chuckle that escapes brings a tighter grip on my neck from Don and a whimper from Toby.
“Yeah, I was lucky alright. Lucky enough to be in so much pain that I couldn’t move and had to watch as the only father figure I had ever known beat my mother beyond the point where she was no longer breathing. I watched as the light left her eyes because her terrified gaze never left me. I watched as her body jerked with every impact, long after she was already gone to heaven with the angels.”
Glancing up from my knees, I want to stop. I want to sink into the comfort of forgetting again, but I need to get it all out. With a small shake of my head, I lick my lips to continue.