Chapter 60
60
DONNIE
I’m going to kill Matt for being the fucking master of the understatement of the century. There’s a big fucking difference between a kid watching his mother die and a kid watching his mother being beaten to death by his father because she bought the wrong milk.
“What happened next?” Toby asks quietly when Shiloh makes it clear that he doesn’t want to sink into our comfort right now. I’ll have to make do with keeping him grounded with my hand on his nape until he’s ready for us to smother him with love.
“The police arrested Frank,” he says like it’s a no brainer. “The social worker at the hospital started searching for family members who could take me in, but it turns out that my mother was the only one listed on my birth certificate or my father who was listed wasn’t really my father or something like that. Either way, there were no blood relatives able to be found.
“I should have gone into foster care, but my stepbrother was somehow granted temporary custody to start. I’d only met him once before when he showed up to demand money from Frank. I think I was still in shock because I didn’t care who I went with at that point. I just wanted to get away from the police and doctors who kept looking at me like I was broken. I should have done more to stop Frank, but I didn’t. My mama was gone and nothing else really mattered to me.”
How do I get it through his head that it’s not his fault. What could one little boy do against a grown ass man? He wasn’t even supposed to be there.
As if he can read my thoughts, Shiloh looks up to meet my eyes and I get it now. Survivor’s guilt doesn’t make sense. It doesn’t follow rational thought. I should know. I suffer through it every day. It’s why I still won’t set foot in any ice barn.
“If you remind me, I’ll remind you,” I whisper in his ear before he can continue his story. Shiloh gives me a small nod and a smile in acknowledgment. The little shit already knows. Well, now I feel dumb…
“Living at Michael’s place wasn’t all that bad at first. He grabbed my clothes and stuff from the house where I grew up so I wouldn’t have to go back into that house. And his place was less than a block from the library which was nice. I spent a lot of time there with their after school programs and just reading to my heart’s content.”
He gets a sad look and ads, “I missed seeing Mr. Jones every day, though. So it was nice to see him again at your shop.”
I move my arm across his shoulders and meet Toby’s eyes. He looks haunted like he knows what’s coming and it isn’t good.
“After a while, the social worker stopped showing up. I didn’t realize until years later that he had either fooled them or bribed them enough to give him full and permanent custody. Frank ended up dying in custody before he ever went to trial, so no one knew anything about Michael or that he was virtually a stranger to me.
“See, Frank loved me in his own way. One of my therapists over the last few years pointed it out to me. It wasn’t until people he deemed important made it clear that I couldn’t be Frank’s kid biologically that he began to change. He wanted a do-over on being a father, and the fact that I’m most definitely not white ruined his fantasy.”
Well, fuck. Shiloh seems to have a better understanding of his traumas than probably anyone I’ve ever met. Never in a million years would I be willing to try and understand Rafe or any of those other asshole rapists. I might have loved Rafe like a brother once upon a time, but fuck seeing the good in him after the monster was revealed.
“Apparently Michael thought the same as my therapist because he was constantly complaining to me that he didn’t understand how his father could love a … ya’ know… more than his own flesh and blood.”
“I know you hate that word,” Toby says as he moves his right hand to Shiloh’s knee and leans his head against my hand on his shoulder. I lift my hand to run my fingers through the pup’s hair. Shiloh swallows hard and nods before continuing.
“Once the time came for me to enter middle school, he moved us away from the home the social workers visited to the rat trap where I was until the day I escaped.”
“Escaped?” Toby gasps out, almost falling off my lap. “What do you mean escaped? I thought the dickwad was arrested for what he did to you.”
Shiloh shakes his head sadly and lets his arms flop to his sides.
“Eli told me that the district attorney’s office claimed that they didn’t have enough evidence to get him on the assault since I declined to press charges for it when I turned over the evidence for the drugs and everything else for the raid. Dunno how they didn’t have enough considering the cops had to pull my bloody unconscious body down from his fucking house. He claimed he had no idea who did that to me, and they fucking believed him, like they always did.”
Toby’s gasp makes me realize I unintentionally fisted my hand in his hair. I hurry to release my grip and gently scratch his scalp in apology. I might want to inflict a little pain for pleasure, but I never want to give my boys pain out of anger.
“Long story short,” Shiloh’s voice interjects. “Michael had beaten me regularly from the time I hit middle school until I was taken to the hospital shortly after I graduated high school. I was there for two weeks before they kicked me out. I had healed up enough to satisfy the bare minimum standard of care and the charity that had been paying my bills had no more money for me.”
“Eli spotted me as I was limping by McKinley’s on my way back to that shithole the cops pulled me out of. I didn’t have money for a ride and with it being a Sunday, the busses that I needed had already stopped running for the night. He pulled me inside the bar and before the night was over, I was given a room at Kink Manor.”