30. One Less Secret To Keep
ONE LESS SECRET TO KEEP
ANNELISA
TWENTY-FIVE YEARS OLD
It’s been a month and I still can’t seem to get my emotions under control.
The doctors had warned me that my hormones might be out of whack as the pregnancy symptoms disappeared, but I honestly hadn’t realised just how hard it would be.
I’d spent weeks ignoring the pregnancy - when I wasn’t freaking out about it - but when it was over, a black cloud settled over me, and I’ve been a complete mess.
Is it my fault that I lost the baby? Did it sense that I wasn’t fit to be a mother? Is that why it didn’t form properly?
Will has been amazing, but I can see how worried he is.
When the doctor confirmed that it was an ectopic pregnancy on that awful night, he’d stiffened beside me, his arm around my back feeling like a dead weight while I stared blankly at the wall.
He’d immediately leapt into action, asking all the questions that I couldn’t even begin to form.
The following days were a blur after I had emergency surgery, returning home a few days later.
Will had been so worried and wanted to call my mother, but I couldn’t handle the idea of anyone else knowing that I’d failed so spectacularly at being pregnant.
I’d not been able to voice how I was feeling though, struggling to put the disjointed thoughts in my mind into words.
That I’d somehow caused this to happen. That it happened because I didn’t want to be pregnant. That I wasn’t fit to be a mother.
Will has tried to be there for me, letting me decide how to handle everything, even though he’d lost something that day, too.
But he hadn’t been with me when I went for a follow up appointment yesterday, and I’ve been trying so hard not to think about what the doctor had said. What it means for both of our futures.
Having to deal with planning Morgan’s hen’s party has been both a blessing and a curse. While it’s a good distraction, I’m grateful that Bri is around, because if it was left up to me, we’d be sitting on my lounge room floor with a block of chocolate and a shit tonne of wine.
Instead, we’re currently having dinner at one of the swankiest restaurants in the city, staring out at the view of the Brisbane River while we dine on overpriced seafood and cocktails.
We’d spent the afternoon at high tea with Morgan’s mum and older female relatives, but now it’s just her friends, and things are getting a little more lively with each sip of alcohol.
It’s been so long since I’ve been out that my tight dress feels like it’s choking the life out of me and I deeply miss my tracksuit pants right now.
“How are the boys doing?” Morgan asks for the millionth time, batting her eyelashes at me.
I sigh. “Morgan, sweetheart, can you really not go one night without seeing Chris?”
Her face drops a little, and I mentally kick myself for being such a grumpy cow when she is clearly struggling .
“I just heard from Jake. He said they’re doing dinner, too,” Bri pipes up from Morgan’s other side.
Morgan turns to look at her sister. “Why is Jake checking in with you?”
Ugh, I’d forgotten how paranoid she was being about something happening between Jake and Bri. But then, Will mentioned he thought something was going on with them as well, so maybe she’s not too far off the mark. But also, it’s not like it’s her business.
I tune out the rest of their conversation to check the time on my phone. I try not to screw up my face when I see that we’ve still got several hours to get through. I’m so ready to call it a night, but as a bridesmaid, I need to stay until the bitter end.
Below the time, I can see that Will has sent me a few messages. I’ve been so busy entertaining the very high maintenance bride-to-be that I hadn’t seen the messages.
Will
Hey baby, just checking in. Are you having a good time? We just arrived at the shooting range.
Chris is already talking about missing Morgan. Pretty sure we’re going to end up seeing you ladies at some point tonight.
Then about twenty minutes later.
Will
Jake has dropped the mother of all loads on me. Give me a call when you see this.
I raise my eyebrows and glance around at the rest of the group. It’s a rather dramatic message to get from Will, and I’ve left him hanging for several hours.
“What’s up?” Kylie asks from across the table.
I hand the phone to her, and her mouth forms a little O while her eyes flick towards Bri, before she looks back at the message. Tuning into the conversation, Tara looks at the message as well, and when she does the same thing, I know something is up.
“What’s going on?” I ask, and I can hear the exhaustion in my tone as I try desperately to find the energy to care.
“Nn-nothing. I have no idea. Maybe you should call him?” Kylie replies, doing a terrible job at seeming clueless.
Pursing my lips, I give her a curt nod and push my chair back.
“Where are you going?” Morgan asks, looking up at me.
“Just need to make a quick phone call. I’ll be right back.” I give her shoulder a squeeze and turn to go.
“Oh! Are you calling Will? Can you find out where the guys are going?”
I roll my eyes but try to give her a smile before weaving my way through the restaurant to get outside.
Once I’m out in the night air, I take a deep breath.
I’m only mildly curious about what Will has to say, but I know I need to call him.
It’s been a few months since I’ve really given a crap about anything, if I’m honest. Well, other than maybe becoming a mum and then blaming myself for losing it.
I bring Will’s contact details up on my phone screen and hit the call button, pressing it to my ear.
He answers on the second ring. “Hey babe. Give me a sec.” In the background, I can hear drunken laughter and assume that the buck’s party is getting a bit rowdy. The noises slowly fade while I imagine Will stepping outside like I have. “Sorry, it’s a bit of a zoo here.”
“That’s okay. What’s going on? I only just saw your message.” I lean against the wall and stare down at my toes peeking out of the top of my shoes.
If I cared, I’d say I was long overdue for a pedicure, but that would require far more effort than I’m capable of these days.
“Jake told me at the shooting range that he and Bri are sleeping together. ”
I straighten a little and sigh. While this is pretty big news within the group, with everything I’ve been through the past few months, it doesn’t seem like that big of a deal.
“Did Chris hear him?” I ask, putting on my best concerned voice.
Will gives a dry laugh. “If he did, pretty sure Jake would be dead right now.”
I sigh. “Great. Morgan is going to lose it.”
“I told him we wouldn’t say anything to her.”
A small, bitter laugh escapes my lips. “What’s one more secret?”
He’s quiet for a moment, and I know he’s trying to find the right words to say.
Eventually he speaks. “Well, maybe you should talk to Morgan about what happened? One less secret to keep.”
If it was up to him, none of what had been happening would be a secret from our friends, but I have refused to even discuss telling anyone. If I tell people, then it all seems real, and I can’t cope with that. I already hate myself, I don’t need to deal with their judgement as well.
“It’s fine. I won’t say anything to Morgan about Jake and Bri,” I reply, plastering a fake smile on and hoping I sound chipper enough to stop him worrying.
He doesn’t reply straight away, and I hear him sigh.
“Okay. What are you guys doing after dinner? Chris has been making noise about missing Morgan. Should we just combine parties? I booked the VIP area at Opalescence. I used the email you set up for me under the Selena James account, and when they called to confirm, I swear the chick on the other end launched into the stratosphere with excitement.”
Since my pen name has become popular, Will has been helping me with a few of the admin tasks, and has found it easier just using that email address rather than switching back and forth.
I glance back through the window of the restaurant and look at my friends. Morgan is laughing as she picks up her phone, while Kylie is chatting away. Tara and Bri seem to be talking as well, while Morgan’s work friends are throwing back yet another round of shots.
“Yeah, I met the owner at my last book signing, and she was so keen for me to go along and check it out. Did you have to pay? I could probably get it for free if I put the club in my next book.”
Will laughs, though it sounds a little hollow.
“Good call. We’ll head there now. Jake and I were so focused on dealing with Morgan’s long list of things we weren’t allowed to do that I wasn’t thinking about trying to get anything for free.
” He pauses for a moment. “I swear, when it’s our turn to get married…
I’m so glad you are way less high maintenance.
It’s made this whole night hard to enjoy while I’m worrying about upsetting her.
And now add this shit in with Jake and Bri…
” His voice trails off, but I barely notice.
I’m too busy focusing on the ‘when it’s our turn’ part of his statement.
“I gotta go, babe. Jake’s waving me over. I’ll let you know what he says, but we’ll probably see you in the next hour or so. I love you.”
“Love you, too,” I reply automatically, my voice sounding robotic even to my own ears, before hanging up the phone.
Our turn .
His words echo in my mind as my vision blurs. My chest tightens, and I suck in a deep breath, trying to calm myself as I think about the ring that I’d found in his junk drawer a few days ago.
We’ve talked about marriage, although I’ve always sort of brushed it off as a ‘maybe, someday’ kind of thing.
After everything that happened with my parents, marriage just doesn’t have the appeal that it does for my friends whose parents are still together.
I think even Tara feels more positive about it than me.
It’s not like I think Will would ever do what my dad did, but the idea of giving someone that sort of power over my long-term happiness…
I watched my mother fall apart in the months after Dad walked out, and I’ll be damned if I ever let anyone do that to me.
And this is all before taking into account the fact that it’s very likely I can’t even give him the family he deserves.
After taking one more calming breath, I force my feet to carry me back inside.
“Hey, should we get the bill sorted?” Bri intercepts me before I make it back to the table.
I blink at her a few times, trying to understand what she’s talking about. Eventually, it clicks and I nod slowly.
“Uh, yeah. Sure. I’ll go deal with it,” I reply, grateful for an excuse not to have to return to the table yet.
While I pay the rather exorbitant bill, Bri finishes herding the group out the door. Kylie and Tara keep Morgan’s mind off of Chris while I keep an eye on the stragglers amongst us, who seem to have trouble staying upright in rather uncomfortable looking shoes.
“Have you heard from Will about where they are yet?” Bri asks quietly, coming up beside me as we start walking down the street.
I look down at my phone to see that Will has messaged again.
Will
Jake is onboard with us all meeting up. We’re just about to get into the club now.
“Yeah, they are at that new club, apparently. Do you think we should tease her some more and take her somewhere else first, or should we just give in and head straight there?” I say, taking a sip from my water bottle, trying to deal with the dryness in my mouth.
Bri glances ahead of us to where Morgan is walking with her arm looped through Kylie’s while she places her head on Tara’s shoulder.
“Let’s just head there. She will be much happier once she’s with Chris, and then we won’t have to worry about keeping her happy anymore.
But remind me to pay her out for how co- dependent she’s become because you’d think they’d never been apart before, the way she’s been carrying on. ”
I raise an eyebrow. “You know they’ve never had a night apart since they moved in together, right?”
Bri’s mouth drops open. “Are you serious? How is that possible?”
I shrug. “Beats me, but that’s just how they are.
I thought maybe she’d be okay, but guess not.
” Thinking back on what Will told me earlier, I add.
“They’ll probably end up going home together, so you won’t have to worry about her staying at the apartment after all.
Maybe the guys won’t be staying out in their hotel rooms, either.
” I give her a little wink, impressed at myself for mustering up a bit of my old spark.
Bri gives me a weird look, but doesn’t reply. She remains quiet while we keep an eye on the rest of the group. Other than Morgan, the core group haven’t been drinking, so we have the joy of being the sober ones, and it feels a little like herding a group of cats as we walk along Adelaide Street.
When we arrive at the club, there’s a line curving around the corner, and I leave the group to have a word with the bouncer. As I’d thought, when he speaks to the owner, Ashley, on his earpiece, she squeals so loud I can hear her from where I’m standing, and he flinches before waving me inside.
Once we’re through the doors, Bri instructs Kylie to go and look for the guys with Morgan, and they all move off while Bri and I head to the bar to get a tab started.
While I’m trying to flag down one of the bartenders, an arm snakes its way around my waist, and I flinch, before realising it’s Will.
“Jesus, you scared the shit out of me,” I say, feeling a little on edge.
He chuckles in my ear. “Sorry. I thought you saw me.”
“Nope,” I reply, a tight smile plastered onto my face while he kisses my neck .
“You look amazing. It’s been so long since we went out, but I’m definitely onboard with this dress.”
He sways us back and forth in time with the music, and I try to push aside my annoyance while I wave down the bartender, pretending not to notice Jake and Bri being awfully cosy a few steps away.
They are doing a pretty shit job of hiding that something is going on, and I really hope we make it through the night without Morgan or Chris working anything out.
Once we get the bar tabs sorted, we head back to the group and I do my best at pretending I want to be here. But a hollow feeling has taken over and all I can think about is surviving until this damn wedding is over.