31. Sometimes Love Isn’t Enough
SOMETIMES LOVE ISN’T ENOUGH
WILL
I swallow hard while Annie clenches her fists at her sides. Kylie’s gaze flicks to me, sadness settling over her features and her hands drop from her hips to hang loosely at her sides. Behind her, Tara, Morgan, Chris, Jake and Bri all stand frozen, their faces showing similar levels of shock.
Sensing Annie unraveling beside me, I reach out and take her hand in mine, and she squeezes it tightly.
“What?” Tara chokes out, staring at her sister. “How could you keep that a secret from me?”
I can feel Annie start to tremble, and I move closer. “Guys, can you give us some space?” Tara looks like she’s about to argue, but I shake my head. “I’ll tell you everything you want to know later, but please… Just give us a minute?”
Reluctantly, they head back to camp, and I tug Annie around to face me, pulling her into my arms.
“I’m sorry. I just snapped,” she whispers into my chest, and I can feel her tears soaking into my t-shirt.
I shake my head and I rest my cheek on the top of her head, her revelation echoing in my head while I try to soothe her. “You don’t need to apologise. Kylie shouldn’t have pushed.” I need to get my hands on my sister as soon as I get Annie calmed down.
“I don’t blame Kylie. I destroyed everything when I ran away. She has every right to be angry. She’s just protecting her brother.”
I sigh. “I don’t need her to protect me.” She sucks in a deep breath, her body relaxing a little, and I can’t keep the question in any longer. “What did you mean about not being able to have children?”
She stiffens again, and I can feel her tremble a little. “I didn’t know how to tell you.” I barely hear her whispered words as she mumbles them into my chest.
I tighten my hold on her. “Tell me what, Annie?”
She drags in another breath, and I can feel the dampness from her tears seeping into the fabric of my shirt.
“The day before the hens’ and bucks’ parties, I had that follow up appointment.”
“Yeah,” I say, remembering coming home that night and finding her acting strange, even though she said everything was fine.
She pulls back and looks at me, her cheeks wet with tears. I think I can count on one hand how many times I’ve seen Annie cry, and I wish I could help her. But I need to know the truth.
“They said that when they had to operate that night, it severely reduced the chances of me being able to conceive again.”
I cup her cheeks, scanning her face. “But they didn’t actually say you can’t ever have children, right?”
She’s quiet for almost too long, the sadness in her eyes almost painful to take in. “No. But it was enough of a concern for them to tell me that I’d probably need to consider other options if we wanted a family.”
I swallow hard, my brain swimming with questions.
“What are we doing, Will?” she whispers .
I stroke her cheek with my thumb. “I don’t know. But I know we aren’t done. Not by a long shot.”
“How can you possibly think that? I broke us. I broke everything. And if we try again, you won’t get the family you deserve.” She chokes on the words and a sob slips out as the tears flow harder.
I try to wipe away one of her tears, but ten more replace it.
“I’m going to circle back to that last part in a minute.
But firstly… I’m not going to lie and say that how you handled everything didn’t hurt me.
The first few years sucked. I looked for you everywhere I went, even after I knew you were in London.
While everyone else was settling down, all I could think about was how much you were missing out on, and what our life would have been like if you’d stayed.
But you were miserable. I knew that in those last few months, but I had no idea how to help you.
I kept hoping that if I just kept reminding you how much I loved you and that you were my future, you’d eventually find your way back to how you were before the pregnancy. But I should have gotten you help.”
She shakes her head. “I wouldn’t have let you. With how my head was back then, I was so determined to pretend nothing was wrong that if you’d taken me to see someone, I still would have run away.”
I sigh, nodding before I continue. “And to come back to your last little statement, I’m going to tell you something, and I need you to really listen to me.
All I ever wanted was you. Yes, a family would be nice, but it was never a deal breaker for me.
I don’t want a family with anyone else. And after spending so much time around all these kids, sometimes I’m just relieved not to have to be the one dealing with it all the time. ”
She shakes her head, and I let out a long breath, not sure what else I can say to make her understand that she was always enough for me. When the words don’t appear, I simply pull her back into my arms to allow her to cry it out .
We stay like that for a while, until eventually, her tears subside and she gives a cute little hiccup. She steps back and sucks in a breath.
“Okay,” I say, resting my hands on her shoulders. “How about this - sex is off the table. We just spend time together. We get to know each other for who we are now. And you talk to me about how you’re feeling when things feel like they are too much to deal with.”
Her beautiful green eyes scan my face for a moment, so wide that I feel like I could drown in them. “Why would you want to do that, Will?”
I smile. “I told you… We aren’t done.”
She shakes her head. “You’re a sucker for punishment, you know that?”
“True.”
Once Annie assures me she isn’t going to fall apart again, I go in search of my sister. I find her with her head buried into Seth’s chest behind their rental car. The twins are nowhere in sight, but I’m pretty sure they are with Jake and Bri, who have also disappeared.
“Hey,” I say, doing my best to keep my anger in check.
Seth holds my gaze for a moment before looking down at his wife as she steps back to look at me.
“I am so fucking sorry,” Kylie says, her face stained with tears.
“I asked you to give us space. But you just had to keep fucking pushing, didn’t you?” I reply, feeling the hold on my emotions stretch super thin.
Seth moves to step in front of her, but Kylie shakes her head. “Babe, can you go check on the twins?” When he hesitates, she continues. “We’ll be okay. I deserve pretty much anything Will needs to say right now, but I’d rather not have an audience.”
Seth nods before turning back to me. “Just try to remember she’s your sister, and she loves you. ”
I give him a curt nod and wait for him to leave before turning my full focus back on Kylie. “Just once, when I tell you to let something go, can you please just fucking listen?”
She looks down at her feet and nods. “Is Annelisa okay?”
I grit my teeth. “As much as she can be. We have a lot of shit to work through. And your little tantrum back there most likely just made it a whole lot worse.”
Kylie looks back up. “I just don’t understand why you kept this a secret, too? After she left, I mean. Surely you knew that if we all knew the truth, we could be here for you? You lost a baby, too.” Her voice cracks, and some of the fight in me disappears.
“Not like Annie did.” I can feel the anger slipping away, and let out a sigh.
“I don’t know… it was different for me. I don’t know if it’s the same for all men, but it didn’t feel quite real.
Nothing was happening to my body, so the reality that there was going to be a baby in our lives…
Annie was in denial for the first few weeks, but she’d started to seem okay with it.
And then… when she lost it… She just shrank in on herself.
And I didn’t have any idea how to help her.
So when she insisted on not telling anyone, I agreed.
And I think a part of me thought that, if I kept on holding on to that secret, when she eventually came back, she’d see that I kept my promise…
” I let the words trail off, and her look turns to one of pity.
God, saying it out loud made me sound so pathetic.
“Will…” Kylie says, looking like she’s trying to search for the right words to say in response to my admission of complete failure.
She’s not known for thinking before speaking, so it’s definitely a new look on her.
“Yeah, I know. I’m an idiot.”
She smiles and shakes her head. “No. You’re not. You just love her. You always have.”
I let out a puff of air and rake my hand through my hair. “Yeah. But sometimes love isn’t enough.”
“Do you really believe that? ”
I shrug. “I don’t know what I believe anymore. But we’re going to try to get to know each other as we are now. Maybe we’ll work it out. Maybe we won’t. But I need you to back off. Can you do that, please? For me?”
“Yeah. I can definitely do that. I think I need to apologise to her.”
I shake my head. “Just give her a bit. You know what she’s like. She needs to process things on her own first.”
Kylie nods, wrapping her arms around herself while kicking a clump of grass with her right foot. “Remember when these camping trips were relaxing?” she asks after a moment, giving me a cheeky grin.
I roll my eyes. “Do you even know how to relax, Bug?”
“Nope. Wanna go surfing?”
I feel my shoulders drop. “So fucking much. Let’s go.”