Chapter 5
FIVE
STELLA
“I’m going to miss you,” my mother said, her fingers wrapped around her coffee mug as she studied me from her dining table. The kitchen was a small alcove attached to a decent-sized dining area that bled into the living room, my bedroom for the last almost-month.
“I’m not going anywhere,” I said as I slid into a chair next to her. “I’m only twenty minutes away, close enough to visit all the time.”
“It was nice having a kid not on assignment for a little while.” Mom smiled, holding my gaze as she brought the mug to her lips.
Her hands were bony, her knuckles swollen from the painful arthritis that still plagued her some days.
But with daily therapy, I was pleased to see how well she was able to take care of herself without seeming to be in too much pain.
That didn’t take away from the guilt of being away for so long, especially after watching all her friends get regular visits from their families.
Imagining how she may have felt with only a monthly visit from me, and how neither of us had seen my brother in person this year, had gnawed at me ever since I’d come back.
“You know I can’t stay here,” I said, squeezing her shoulder. “I’m way past the allowance for overnight guests. I’ve been here for weeks, and I am sure they’ve noticed. I feel like I have to sneak in and out now.”
She set down her mug, lips twisted as she shook her head.
“My daughter can stay here whenever and for however long she wants.”
“Your daughter is under fifty-five,” I said, chuckling as I kissed her cheek. “So, no, she can’t.”
A frown pulled down her red-painted lips as she glared back at me.
“Where are you meeting Lee?”
“His house. I don’t know if he’s going to tell Bennie that I’ll be moving in tonight or wait until the next time I see them, but I’ll follow his lead.”
Mom bobbed her head in a slow nod, scrutinizing me but not saying a word.
She’d been eerily quiet over the past week since I’d told her I’d be moving in with Lee to take care of his daughter until the fall.
I wasn’t sure if it was because she’d miss having me here or that she didn’t approve of what I was doing after I left.
I didn’t need any more doubts, so I had let the silence settle between us and hadn’t pushed.
“What?”
“You’re sure you want to do this?”
I leaned my elbows on the table.
“I’m not sure what I want to do long-term. I’m definitely not living out of airports or my car anymore. I’ve been offered some remote assignments, but I need something different.”
“Playing house with Lee is certainly different.”
I flinched back, narrowing my eyes at my mother.
“I’m not playing house. I’m taking care of his daughter for the season while he’s on the road. He needed a full-time babysitter or he’d have to quit. And after everything that happened with Zach, it’s not a bad idea to stay somewhere with neighbors who will keep an eye on us.”
Mom stayed silent, her gaze expectant as if she was waiting for me to say something else or was holding herself back.
“Mom,” I said, dropping my hand on the table, “whatever it is, just spit it out.”
She averted her gaze from mine, her frown deepening as she shook her head.
“I’m worried. I’ve been worried after what happened to you, but do you really think you can do this without it getting complicated?”
“How would it get complicated? Getting used to taking care of Bennie full time will be an adjustment, but it’s better than ornery CEOs who take offense at a marketing recovery plan they paid me for,” I tried to joke, but my mother didn’t budge.
“Okay, fine,” Mom said, shifting toward me. “I actually spoke to Dottie not too long ago. She wanted to see how I liked it here, but this was before her daughter decided to move. She said her son was doing well, but she told me that she’s worried he’ll never get over losing Katie.”
“Okay,” I said slowly. “I agree with her, but I don’t understand where you’re going with this.”
“Yes, you do.” She reached out to pat my hand. “You’re moving in with Lee, taking care of his little girl, being in his space every single day when he’s not at home. That’s a lot.”
“So?” I said with a shrug. “I’ve known Lee for half my life.”
“And you’ve been in love with him for most of that time.”
“Mom…” I began, trailing off when I didn’t know how to finish.
My feelings for Lee weren’t a secret, just something I never talked about. Gary had never addressed it, other than constantly checking in with me after Lee’s wedding, as if he’d expected me to crumble.
Lee was the only one who’d never seemed to pick up on it.
“I had a crush. It happens, and I moved on.”
“You moved on but never settled. Not with Zach or anyone.”
I fell back in the chair, my mother’s words knocking the wind out of me. After all this newfound time to think, I’d realized that I’d never really loved Zach. I’d cared about him at the beginning, at least enough to agree to move in together, and it had been nice at first.
When things had become strained between us, I’d had no drive to work it out or even address it, the hassle of breaking up keeping us together even when we really weren’t anymore.
“All I’m asking is this,” Mom said, her chest rising as she took in a long breath. “If it gets to be too much, you’ll leave.”
“I can’t leave. I’m there for the season, or he’ll have to quit.”
“Just the season? You’re sure?”
“Yes,” I said, blowing out an exasperated breath. “It’s what we agreed on.”
“Attachments happen. Things change.” She reached under the table to squeeze my knee. “All I want is for my kids to be happy. Gary is—or at least he seems to be over video.”
A chuckle escaped me as I nodded.
“I’m glad you’re back and close by. And I know you’re doing this with the best of intentions for your friend before anything else. But when you realize it’s time to walk away, promise me you will.”
“Yes.” I nodded, scooting closer to the table. “I promise, if I can’t handle it, I’ll crash on your sofa bed again before I find a real place to live.” I kissed her temple. “I’m off. I won’t be back too late.”
Mom grabbed my wrist and kissed the top of my hand.
“I love you, Stella Bella. You deserve all the great things. I hope one day you’ll believe that.”
I rolled my eyes at my father’s old nickname for me. My father had made me promise him I’d be happy before he’d passed away.
I’d failed, but at least I was trying now.
“I love you too, Mom. Stop worrying. You’ll be distracted at bingo later.”
Her mouth curved before I turned to leave. I often wondered what my father would think of Gary and me now. He’d be proud of both of us but probably worried about me. Gary at least had goals and an open heart. I was a nomad who made a living fixing problems, when I had no clue how to fix myself.
Loss and disappointment were terrible excuses for settling for a life of simply good enough, and it was time to stop.
As I pulled up in front of Lee’s house, nostalgia barreled over me, stealing some of the air from my lungs. The visceral reaction to being on his block again wasn’t only from old feelings for Lee.
Our other friends hadn’t known how to handle us after we’d lost Dad. My brother had withdrawn from everything, quitting the football team and confusing his friends, most of whom had had good intentions when they’d pushed him to come back.
My friends had been sympathetic but didn’t understand why I’d run off at a moment’s notice, bursting into tears in the girls’ bathroom at school, trying to ease the ache in my chest enough to breathe and get back to class.
We’d spend hours in Lee’s basement, lounging around watching movies, talking about our fathers, usually without actually mentioning either of them by name. Once the haze of new grief had cleared, I’d lived for those afternoons.
My cheeks would hurt from smiling and laughing after swearing I’d never do either ever again.
We’d all healed together, and no matter what heartbreak loving Lee had caused me after that, Gary and I wouldn’t have survived without him and the safe space he’d given to us.
“I was getting worried about you,” Lee said, coming over to my car after I’d parked.
“Sorry, my mother was extra chatty before I left.” I smiled, trying to shake off her warning—or at least get it to stop echoing in my head.
“It’s a little surreal to be here,” I told him while I followed him to his front door. “I feel like I grew up in your basement.”
“We all did.” Lee chuckled, low and throaty and very unhelpful. “Bennie and I hang out there sometimes. I’ll show you after dinner.”
“Maybe I’ll kick your ass in Trouble again for old times’ sake.”
“Or you can scream and jump out of your skin during Operation.” The corner of his mouth kicked up.
“That’s because you and Gary would scare me when I was trying to concentrate.” I jabbed his arm while he laughed.
“I hope pizza is okay. My mother wanted to make you baked ziti, but she can’t really cook the big stuff anymore,” he said, his smile fading as he motioned for me to climb the stairs in front of him. “The arthritis in her hands limits her a lot, and she hates that.”
Our parents having us later in life was another thing we’d all had in common. Gary and I were in our thirties, but our parents had been close to forty when we’d been born. My mother seemed to age at a faster pace with each passing year. It was hard to see and even harder to face.
My father remained young in my mind, strong and handsome, until illness had made him too weak to get out of bed.
“My daughter is thrilled someone else on the planet likes mushrooms on their pizza too.”
I rolled my eyes.
“There are other people on the planet who like mushrooms on pizza.”
“My daughter and you. Two more than I would’ve expected.”
I made my way in and elbowed his side.
“Stella! Oh my goodness,” Mrs. Orrico said, letting out a gasp when I stepped through the door. My eyes fell to her cane as she padded toward us. It was almost identical to my mother’s, except hers had four prongs on the bottom.