Chapter 8
EIGHT
LEE
“Whatever I forgot, I’m not going to worry about it,” my sister said as I helped her load the last of the boxes in the back of their truck.
“If you need anything right away, I’ll send it. I’ll do a sweep after you leave,” I told her, still in denial she was getting into their truck and we wouldn’t see her in the morning.
Bennie stood behind us on the sidewalk with her stuffed cat in her hands.
I’d never had a pet growing up since Debbie had been allergic to anything with fur, and that was my excuse for telling Bennie no every time she’d asked for a cat.
I had the feeling she’d ask again, but I wasn’t going to add pet maintenance on to everything Stella was already doing for us.
“Give me a hug,” Tom, my brother-in-law, called out to Bennie while he squatted by the curb with his arms stretched out. Bennie rushed over and squeezed his neck.
“When can I visit?” Bennie asked Debbie after she lifted her up.
“Soon, I promise. Chicago is awesome. I think you’ll love it.
” Debbie’s tear-filled eyes flicked to mine.
I had to avert my gaze for a moment since seeing my sister cry would set me off.
More than just free babysitting these past four years, my big sister had jumped in to take care of us, and I wouldn’t have survived without her.
Bennie may not have realized how much she would miss Debbie yet, but it was already killing me.
“Okay, little brother. We better get going,” Debbie said after setting Bennie down.
“It’s funny that Aunt Deb calls you little brother when you’re so big, Daddy.”
Debbie let out a soggy laugh. Like Mom, Debbie barely came up to my chest. I’d already been taller than her by the time I’d turned twelve, but she’d always taken care of me more than most big sisters, then and now.
It was her time to take care of herself—and for her little brother to grow up.
“Yes, you guys have a long drive.” I pulled her into a hug, wrapping my arms around her as tightly as I could. “I love you. Thank you,” I whispered, cringing when I caught her sniffle.
“I love you too. And stop thanking me. What are sisters for?” she said, her voice thick with tears as she pulled back. “Are you sure that you don’t need me to stay for—”
“I’m fine, we’re fine. Stella will be here to help us. Go! Just don’t become Cubs fans or anything.”
“Nope,” Tom said, slapping my back. “Yankees, I mean Bats, all the way.”
I laughed, still holding my sister. “I appreciate that.”
Debbie and Tom couldn’t have children of their own. They’d tried, but when the process had become too much, they’d decided to make a life for just the two of them before they’d volunteered to help with Bennie.
And by help, they’d peeled me off the floor when I was at my lowest and helped raise my daughter with me for five years.
This new position would be a huge step for Tom. My sister already had a job of her own lined up, and I could tell they were both excited. It had been evident in their faces when the guilt I knew they had over leaving us would clear for a moment or two.
“Text me along the way. Hopefully you’ll make good time.”
“If we’re not in traffic forever,” Tom joked after he climbed into the driver’s seat.
“Text us, Aunt Debbie,” Bennie said with a little wave.
My sister’s face crumpled as she nodded.
“I will, I promise.” She nodded, blowing her niece a kiss before rolling up the window. I smiled when I noticed the balled-up tissue in her hand as she dabbed at her eyes.
“What’s in Chicago?” Bennie asked me as I took her hand and led her back inside. “Anything cool? Do you go there with the Bats?”
“They have good pizza. New York pizza is better, of course. We always do a couple of trips, but I don’t really leave the stadium.”
“Can I come with you next time so we can see Aunt Debbie and Uncle Tom?”
“If you don’t have school, we can try.”
Asking Stella to meet me on the road was another big request I wasn’t sure I could make.
Bennie eyed me as she settled onto the couch.
“It’s okay if you’re sad, Daddy.” She pressed her tiny hand to my knee, drifting her pink-nail-polished thumb back and forth. “We can visit, and Aunt Deb said she’d text. She likes when I send her pictures from my tablet and make her laugh.”
The sweet tinkle of her giggle got me right in the chest, and I didn’t know whether to laugh with her or cry.
“Come here,” I said, kissing her cheek as I lifted her onto my lap. “I will promise you this much, kiddo,” I said, holding her tight to my chest. “We will always be together. You and I.” I tapped her leg until she raised her head. “Okay?”
She crinkled her nose as she peered up at me.
“Well, yeah.” She shrugged. “Why wouldn’t we be?”
I breathed out a chuckle when my daughter looked me over as if I’d lost my mind. Maybe I wasn’t doing such a terrible job with her if that was how she thought of us, even with all the time I’d spent away from her.
I took in a long breath deep enough to almost relax.
“How about you and I pick some decorations for the house later? The walls look kinda boring, right?”
She scanned the walls, her ponytail swishing back and forth.
“Really boring,” she said, her deep sigh cracking me up. “And don’t forget, we need to get stuff for Stella’s room!”
I’d offered Stella our downstairs apartment when I was home if she needed space, but she’d said she was fine in Debbie’s old room, right next to Bennie.
It made more sense, other than my weird awareness of Stella so close to my bedroom.
Why did I care where she slept, and why was I thinking of what her bed clothes looked like?
Did she sleep in pajamas or a nightgown?
I’d stayed over at their apartment one night when we were teens, sleeping on their very comfortable couch.
I’d run into Stella in the middle of the night in sweats oversized enough to be her brother’s, but we’d been kids and I hadn’t thought twice about what she looked like underneath or how I was sleeping so close to her.
I thought more than twice now, long enough for my pants to tighten whenever Stella dressing for bed crossed my mind.
After I’d unloaded on her yesterday about everything I’d been holding in over how Katie died and the guilt that wouldn’t leave me alone, I’d felt lighter.
Maybe I wasn’t the worst person alive for being angry at the direction our lives had gone and what we’d lost, and now I finally could begin to move past it all.
Palpable relief I hadn’t expected had run through me when I’d finally said the words I’d hated myself for thinking so many times, and I’d spent the past day trying to use that relief as my excuse for almost kissing Stella in my car and then again when I’d brought her into my arms in the parking lot.
The hug had lingered too long to be friendly, yet it felt too good to pull away. When I had, my eyes had gone straight to her mouth, fixating on her teeth sinking into that bottom lip I could almost taste.
Almost, but couldn’t for too many reasons.
I needed to do something about this. Get someone else’s hand on my dick besides my own and clear my head a bit before I did something that would ruin this arrangement and everything else between us.
I’d taken off from work for the next few days to sort out the house before Stella moved in. I wanted to make this house a home for us, even if I had to figure out how to decorate.
We spent the rest of the morning on the couch, my daughter happily playing and watching the mind-numbing kids’ shows that she loved while I sorted out what we’d need.
My mind drifted to the box of old photos hidden at the back of my closet.
There were shots of Katie and me, some of the three of us those first two years of Bennie’s life, even some of my parents.
Maybe facing the ghosts instead of hiding from them would be good for us—or good for me since pushing them out of sight hadn’t meant out of mind.
If my memories of Katie were all my daughter would have of her mother, I owed it to Bennie to have the guts to stop running from them.
“Stella’s room needs stuff on the walls too,” she said through a mouthful of the chicken nuggets I’d made her for lunch. “She’ll be so bored in there.”
“I think she’s going to be too busy with you to be bored.” I laughed.
“We need to get her pink stuff,” she said, her eyes narrowing at me. “She really liked my room, so I think we should make hers all pink too.”
“I don’t have time to paint the walls, but we’ll see what we can find.”
I was about to tell Bennie to get ready when the chime of the doorbell surprised us both.
“Maybe Aunt Deb forgot something,” Bennie said as she followed me to the door.
“I hope not,” I said, surveying the living room and the hallway in case Bennie was right and they did forget something. I found Stella on my doorstep when I checked my doorbell camera screen.
“Hey,” I said after I opened the door. “Everything okay? Did we have plans today?” I chuckled, hoping my head wasn’t so scattered that I’d told her the wrong moving day.
“No. Don’t panic,” she said, patting my arm when I moved aside to let her in. “Sorry for just stopping by, but I found a couple of things for Bennie I thought she’d like.” Stella held up a shopping bag as my daughter’s eyes lit up.
“Daddy, Stella brought me presents!” She glanced back at me as she pulled Stella toward the couch.
“These were games I had when I was about your age,” she said, slipping two long boxes out of the bag.
“They’re princess games, so I only got to play them with my mom or when I had friends come over.
My brother wouldn’t touch them.” She pointed to a bright-pink box.
“So I was thinking it could be fun to play them with you when I’m here, if that’s okay. ”
“I love games. We could play now. Right, Daddy?”
Stella winced when she found my gaze. “Only if that’s okay with you.”
“It is. Just one game, though.”