Chapter 13 Stella
THIRTEEN
STELLA
“This is so good,” Bennie mumbled to me around a mouthful of macaroni and cheese. “Aunt Deb’s is different. She pours it out of a box.”
“Well, I pour the pasta out of a box,” I told her, loving how she was digging into the only sort of fancy dinner I knew how to make with adorable gusto.
Lee had all the basics of what Bennie ate on hand, mostly chicken nuggets, waffles, and frozen fries, but I’d been feeling brave when I’d stopped at the grocery store and bought all the ingredients for homemade macaroni and cheese.
Mom would make this for us when one of us had a bad day as kids, and I’d leaned on it for comfort as an adult.
That was why, even though I’d been on the road for most of the past few years, I knew the recipe by heart.
“Can you make this all the time?” Bennie asked. “I like all the cheese and that it’s crunchy too.”
“I can make it sometimes. I’m very happy you like it.”
“My friend Alexa’s mom makes big dinners like this too, that you get out of the oven. But nothing this good.”
Bennie was so easy to love, my heart hurt from how much it had swelled in only a short time.
So adorable and pure and innocent—well, maybe not so innocent as she’d asked on the way home from school if I was sure I didn’t want to keep her home from school this week to make sure I was okay and needed her to teach me things around the house.
“Well, thank you, but don’t tell Alexa’s mom that the next time you eat there. You wouldn’t want to hurt her feelings.”
“Oh no, I wouldn’t say that.” Her little brow pinched as she shook her head. “Her dinners are good, and she makes really big dessert.” She widened her eyes, keeping them on mine. “Did you make big dessert?”
“I may have baked cookies while you were at school, but only because it’s our first week together. Your dad will kill me if I load you up with sweets while he is away.”
“Are they homemade too?”
“Well, I took them out of a tube and put them in the oven, but I made them here, so sure.”
She giggled at my wink.
“Did you know my mom?”
I stilled, my stomach twisting a little as I met her gaze.
“I did,” I said.
“Oh,” was all she said, digging back into her dinner. “I didn’t.”
I studied Bennie’s face, but I found no sadness or regret, only curiosity.
They both would come in time, as I was sure she’d feel Katie’s absence as she grew older.
Now, not having a mother was just a way she was different from her friends.
Lee and his family seemed to have done a great job filling the void enough that she hadn’t realized it—or at least not enough to upset her—yet.
I was sure Lee dreaded that day as much as I hated thinking about it for her. I missed my father every day, but moms were so important to little girls. I had no idea how I would have functioned without mine, then and now.
“What was she like? Grams and Aunt Deb said I’m small like her and we have the same nose.”
“Well, she was really pretty like you.” My chest pinched when her smile deepened. “And very nice. She loved you and your dad a lot.”
As much as it had hurt to see Lee fall in love with Katie and marry her, Katie had been wonderful. Sweet, welcoming, and the love she’d had for her husband and daughter radiated off her.
I found Bennie staring at a few of the photos Lee had hung up along the living room walls of the three of them when Bennie was a baby. I couldn’t look for too long when she’d pointed them out to me for a couple of reasons.
Katie’s death wasn’t supposed to happen.
Not at her age and with a toddler at home and a husband who loved her.
It was one of those tragedies, even if you didn’t know her or her family, that would always cut deep because it was that unexpected and unfair, despite Katie’s heart condition.
Her loss highlighted how fragile life was.
Lee looked different in those photos. It was something you’d see only if you knew him well enough—or had studied him so closely even when you tried not to. His eyes were dimmer now, his smiles, even for his daughter, were muted compared to then.
My heart broke for all of them every time I thought of Katie, but I couldn’t avoid the photo since it was the first thing I saw whenever I came into the living room.
“I’m so full,” Bennie said, rubbing her belly as she fell back in her chair. “That was the best.”
“That’s what every cook loves to hear. Think you can help me clear the table before Daddy calls?”
“Yeah. Today is only practice, so he doesn’t have to win today. He said Arizona is really hot.”
“It is,” I said while stacking the plates. “One summer, I had to go to a meeting there, and it was 110 degrees.”
Her brows flew to her hairline.
“That’s a lot of degrees. Did you burn up?”
I laughed at her dropped jaw.
“No. I was mostly inside in air conditioning,” I said, a different kind of pang twisting my gut as Bennie handed me the forks.
I’d been everywhere, yet had seen nothing. When the baseball season was over, I’d work to change that.
I was about to turn on the water when my phone buzzed across the counter.
“It’s Daddy,” I said, accepting the call and handing Bennie the phone.
“Daddy! Stella told me that Arizona has hundreds of degrees. Did you burn up?”
I heard the rumble of Lee’s laugh as Bennie leaned on the counter next to me.
“School was good. I did all my homework when I came home, and guess what? Stella made homemade macaroni and cheese. Not out of the blue box Aunt Deb uses, and it’s so much better!
Don’t tell her, though, because she’ll be sad.
It was like gormey. Gourmet. Yeah, that’s what I said.
Nate didn’t burn up, did he? If it’s too hot, would his shoulder hurt?
That’s good. I love you too. Okay. Here’s Stella. ”
Bennie shoved the phone at me.
“Daddy wants to talk to you. Can I play my game now that there isn’t anything else on the table?”
“You sure can. Go,” I said, chuckling as she scampered away.
“Hey, how’s it going?” I said when I put the phone to my ear.
“Well, it was nice that my daughter asked if I burned up before she thought of Nate. And gourmet mac and cheese? Between that and the fancy braids, you’re a goddamn show-off.”
“Sorry if I wanted to bring my A game this week. All the guys okay?”
“Seem to be. I’m done for today. I have a management dinner later tonight, but the guys should be fine for tomorrow. Seriously, you’re killing it.”
“It’s my first day, so let’s not get carried away. I’m just happy we got to school on time and she likes my cooking. That’s as fancy as I get, though. I have hot dogs on the menu for tomorrow, so that may be a letdown.”
“And Bennie hasn’t given you any trouble?”
“Not yet, but this will be my first time putting her to bed, and she’s already asked for two stories instead of one.”
“Stalling already. I told you.”
“And she keeps asking if I need her to stay home and help.” I padded into the living room, my eyes falling on that photo of the three of them again. “Can I ask you a maybe uncomfortable question?”
“Of course you can.”
“Did you ever tell Bennie anything about her mother? She asked me what Katie was like during dinner.”
“I have. Not a lot and not as much as I should. I thought hanging up the old pictures I’d hidden away would be a good start. When I get home, my plan is to get out some albums to show her. Bennie doesn’t remember her to miss her. It’s both a blessing and a curse.”
“I can imagine. I’m proud of you for hanging the photos.”
“It was time. It was time years ago, but I did what I could when I could. Someone very wise and kind enough to tell me to snap out of it mentioned that.”
“They must be very smart.”
“They are. And pretty damn amazing.”
Swooning over compliments from Lee was as useless as it was inconvenient, yet I never could stop myself.
“I’ll make you the macaroni and cheese when you’re home. You don’t have to butter me up.”
“I meant every word. I’ll text if dinner doesn’t run too late to see if she breaks you at bedtime.”
“She’s not going to break me. I’m tougher than I look.”
“I didn’t say beautiful women couldn’t be tough. My daughter is a mastermind. The cuteness is how she gets under your defenses.”
Did Lee just call me beautiful?
For fuck’s sake, Stella. Get over yourself.
“I’ll speak to you later and let you know how victorious I was. Tell Nate we both say hi.”
“No, I don’t think I will. Talk to you later.”
I hung up and scrubbed a hand down my face, praying Bailee had been right and when Lee came back home, he’d have enough annoying habits to finally knock him off the pedestal I’d put him on when I was sixteen.
For now, I only admired him more for how hard he was trying with Bennie and what he was doing for me. Maybe he left his dirty socks on the couch or didn’t put the toilet seat down.
I could hope.
“Stella, I think if we read these two books,” Bennie said, coming up to me with two small books nestled in the crook of her shoulder, “we should probably read this one right away since it belongs to the other two.”
“Or maybe we could stretch them out, one a night.”
“Hmm,” she said, her lips pulling down. “It’s not as good if you read this one—” she pulled one book from under her arm “—and wait for this one. And by then, you may as well read all three.”
“Then bedtime is going to have to be earlier. So you choose one or three.”
Her shoulders drooped before she headed back up the stairs, mumbling to herself. I looked forward to what she’d come up with to get around what I’d just said.
She really was a cute mastermind.
I’d have to find ways not to let either of them pull me in too much, or it would be that much harder to move on at the end of the season and let them go.