Chapter 31 Stella
THIRTY-ONE
STELLA
“I hope you win, Daddy,” Bennie said as she hugged Lee’s waist at the door. “Sure you don’t need me to come help with practice?”
“I wish you could. The guys miss you,” Lee said as he scooped her up off the floor. She was still tiny, but her legs had grown enough to hang almost to her father’s knees when he picked her up. “But tomorrow is school, even if it’s the last week.”
“We don’t even have homework anymore. It’s wasting for me to stay home on a Sunday night when the guys need me.”
“Wasteful,” I said, holding in a laugh at the concerned crease in her forehead. “But like Daddy said, school is almost over, and we can go see the Bats anytime we want over the summer.”
“And not only am I off tomorrow, the Bats will play at home for ten days. So I can see you every day.”
“And I can go to practice this weekend!”
Lee shut his eyes at her hopeful gasp.
“We’ll see,” he said with a long sigh and set her down.
“Well, I’m happy you’ll be home for ten days,” I said, looping my arms around his neck.
“It’s nice to sleep in my own bed for a while,” he said, framing my waist and yanking me closer. “Especially when I know the most beautiful woman in the world is waiting for me, naked,” he whispered.
“We’ll see,” I said, pressing my lips to his. “Good luck.”
“Hopefully everyone stays healthy so it’s not a late night. I intend to be very lucky once I get home,” he said, his voice dipping to a delicious, husky rasp.
“Think so, huh?”
“I think I have a good shot.” He brushed my lips. “See you tonight. Love you.”
“Love you too,” I said, standing by the door while I watched him head to his truck.
I’d been riding high for the past three weeks since the gala.
I’d fully moved in to Lee’s room, my original bedroom now only used as a movie room for Bennie and me.
She’d never questioned where I slept at night or seemed to care if Lee and I kissed or hugged in front of her.
Our dynamic had become a wonderful normal.
The Bats had been holding first place for the past couple of weeks. It was too soon to anticipate a postseason, and we hadn’t discussed where I’d go after the last game.
I wanted to stay, and I was pretty sure Lee didn’t want me to go, but sleeping in his bed and officially moving in were two very different things. We were in a great place, but we hadn’t had a conversation if this house, with him, was my permanent place.
“Can we watch these today?” Bennie asked, holding up a shopping bag. “They’re the old homemade movies Aunt Deb gave to me when we stayed with Grams. I don’t have any homework, and I can even stay up a little late.”
“You still start school at the same time, kiddo,” I said, taking the bag. “But it’s early enough to watch a couple of movies.”
“Yes! Come on,” she said, taking my hand and pulling me up the stairs. “Wait until you see me as a baby. I was so cute.”
I burst out laughing.
“That doesn’t surprise me at all,” I said as she jumped on my bed—or my old bed, I guessed—and crossed her legs under her.
“Play this one first. We were at the beach.”
I took the DVD out of her hand and slid it into the player. After a few minutes, Bennie’s face came on-screen. She wore a pink bucket hat with an elastic band under her chin as she dug her hands into the sand.
She was so adorable, my chest pinched. She had the same wide blue eyes, lighting up the dirtier her hands became. Lee came in from offscreen, laughing as he wiped her muddy fingers. I laughed until Katie came into view.
When I saw her next to her daughter, Bennie’s strong resemblance to her came through, even more pronounced now that Bennie was older.
Katie dug her hands into the bucket of wet sand and spread it on Lee’s cheek.
He gave her a playful scowl, all the love in his eyes for his wife making my stomach burn.
I’d seen Lee with Katie plenty of times. Jealousy would burn hot in the pit of my stomach, but I’d work hard not to show it. Looking at them now, the jealousy was still there but not as prominent.
Instead, a weird burst of shame mixed in with the usual envy. Katie should still be here with the two people she loved most, and I had stepped in for her with both of them. I hadn’t stolen them, but while watching them be the family they were always supposed to be, I felt like a thief.
“You’re in this one!” Bennie said, running up to the TV to switch out the video. “This is when Daddy married my mom.”
Her parents weren’t “Mommy and Daddy” to her. They were Daddy and the lady who was her mom. Katie hadn’t had the privilege of living in her daughter’s memories like my father was in mine.
“Look, it’s you!” She beamed back at me. “That’s your brother, right?”
A smile drifted across my face at my brother’s terrible attempt to dance. He’d never danced at weddings other than the obligatory slow songs with my mother and his wife at his own.
“Yes, that’s Gary.”
“Who was your date? Aunt Deb and Grams were talking about how most of the cousins married their dates from Daddy’s wedding.”
“I didn’t have one, so I hung out with my brother that night.”
Gary had already been with Libby at the time, but I couldn’t remember why she hadn’t come.
The camera spanned the crowd on the dance floor as I whispered something to my brother and headed off-camera.
His gaze stuck in my direction, a deep frown pulling at his mouth for a long minute until he finally followed me.
My annoying, wonderful brother.
I grabbed my phone and shot him a text.
Stella
Why didn’t Libby come with you to Lee’s wedding?
Gary
That was years ago. You want me to remember that? I barely remember breakfast today.
Gary was staying at a hotel with Libby and Braden while the army prepared his house. I wasn’t used to him responding to a message in real time now that we were in the same time zone.
Stella
I think you may know. Did you tell her not to come so you could stay with me the whole night?
Gary
Possibly.
Gary
You insisted on going, and I didn’t want you to be alone. I was worried.
Gary
So I was being a stupid brother like Mom always tells me not to be.
Stella
You’re the greatest brother, and I love you.
Gary
I love you too, sis. Glad you’re not mad this time :)
Gary
Why are you thinking about this now?
“You looked so pretty,” Bennie said, twirling her finger around a lock of my hair. “Your hair had so many curls. Can you put curls in mine?”
“Sure,” I said as the camera zoomed in on Lee.
His hair was much shorter, almost a buzz cut, and his beard was only a shadow of stubble back then.
He was so fucking handsome that day, even more so now that I allowed myself to look at him for more than five minutes, since I couldn’t handle longer than that on the actual day.
I hadn’t watched his wedding toast. Gary had found me outside, watching the twinkling lights of the Brooklyn Bridge in the distance as I’d cried into the package of tissues I’d brought. A little crying at a wedding was acceptable, but full-on sobbing would have seemed too out of place.
I was tempted to get up, pretend to go to the bathroom or have to get something, but Bennie would have followed me and paused the video, so I stayed and watched, sucking in my stomach as if I were prepping to take a punch.
Katie was sitting next to him, her dark hair up, while curls billowed over her face. Her veil swayed as she laughed at whatever Lee had said.
“Thank you, everyone, for coming today,” Lee said, his voice booming while he held the mic close. “I finally got Katie to marry me.”
Loud laughter flitted through the crowd along with some applause as the camera panned the guests for a quick moment.
“I’m glad you all were here to watch me marry the one and only love of my life.”
I jerked back against the pillows as if I’d been shot.
The one and only love of my life.
I tried to lean into the rational part of my brain. Panicking was silly. Yes, he loved Katie and had closed himself off for years after he’d lost her. But things could change. Feelings could change and grow. Feelings for old friends who played house with you.
Two hours ago, I had been living my best life. A nasty voice in my head had taunted me the minute I’d seen Katie on-screen that I was living someone else’s life. I’d slid into a role complete with a husband and a kid, and we’d all played our parts, even if we hadn’t realized it.
Bennie’s perception of a mother had been whatever lore she’d heard about what a mother should be and stories about her own. Her affection for me was genuine because there was no role to fill for her.
Lee loved me. I never doubted that. But in love with me, after how I’d seen him look at Katie…I couldn’t be sure now.
Maybe I never would be. Maybe I’d always feel like a stand-in. Sure, he cared about me, but it would feel one-sided, as always. And that was why my brother had to babysit me for an entire night because he didn’t know if I could handle watching the love of my life get married.
My glorious happy ending didn’t seem so glorious anymore, nor happy. It felt like the same kind of settling I’d allowed myself forever.
And if I had any hope of going somewhere with my life, I had to stop.
“Did you like the cake?” Bennie asked me, drawing me out of my spiral for a moment. “When I get married, I’m going to have an all-chocolate wedding cake. Both the cake part and the icing.”
I tried to smile, heaving out a relieved breath when she got bored toward the end when they passed the mic around to the tables of guests. I’d hidden from that too that night, because I’d been afraid of bawling through my congratulations.
I’d run, living on the road and on the go, for that reason. I’d thought now that I finally had Lee, I could stop.
But he didn’t belong to me, not the way he completely owned me. Things really hadn’t changed.
I could still stay. Take what I could from Lee, as I always had. Teenage me would have killed for this chance. To sleep in his bed and kiss him any time I wanted.
But adult me wanted more. The more I’d been sure I’d had a few hours ago. The thought of that loss hurt far worse than his wedding day.
“Do you think I look like my mom?” Bennie asked as I tucked her in. “She was pretty.”
“You do,” I managed to say with a smile. “You’re very beautiful, just like her.”
She smiled as she settled into the pillow.
“Are you okay, Stella? You look sad.”
“I’m fine,” I said, kissing her cheek while I settled the sheet over her. “Almost summer or not, you need sleep. I’m going to bed now too.”
“Okay,” she groaned. “And, Stella?”
“Yeah, kiddo?”
“I love you,” she said on a yawn.
“I love you too,” I said, my voice squeaking when I shut off the light and closed her door behind me.
I took slow breaths through my nostrils and held on to the hallway wall.
I was panicking and jumping to conclusions.
Watching Lee get married had been the hardest thing I’d ever had to do, and seeing it on video, along with all the details I’d tried not to notice that night, had triggered me; that was all.
But I needed to think. And I needed to think alone.
I climbed into my old bed and let the tears fall until they put me to sleep.