Chapter 32 Lee
THIRTY-TWO
LEE
I let out a yawn while I finally unlocked my front door and set the alarm for the night.
Between the traffic and the extra innings and the multiple strains from the bullpen tonight, I’d thought I’d never get home to my girls.
I laughed to myself as I shut off the downstairs lights. Thinking my girls was a slip, but a good one. A great one. I always looked forward to seeing my daughter, but I’d never thought I’d want to race home for anyone else.
I lumbered up the stairs, still exhausted but so damn happy to be home, when I noticed the glow seeping from the bottom of Bennie’s door.
“Bennie, what are you doing up?”
She jumped, almost dropping her tablet when she spotted me at the door.
“I was playing my game, and I lost tracks in time.”
“Track of time,” I corrected, shaking my head after I came up to her bed. “I know it’s the last week of school, but you can’t be late. So you have to go to sleep.”
“I know. Don’t get Stella in trouble. She thought I was asleep, but she went to bed early because she was sad.”
“Sad? Why?”
She shrugged under the sheet.
“We were watching homemade videos. The one when I was a cute baby at the beach and you married my mom. She laughed, but then she got quiet.”
Stella had been at our wedding with Gary. She’d seen me with Katie before. Why would watching it make her sad and quiet? I had no idea, but I needed to find out.
“Stella isn’t in trouble,” I said, kissing Bennie’s cheek and swiping the tablet out of her hand. “But you need to go to sleep, baby girl.”
“Okay,” she said, yawning into the pillow. “I love you, Daddy. I’ll work on making Stella happy when I wake up.”
I closed Bennie’s door and headed to my bedroom, a bad feeling settling into my gut when I opened the door and found an empty, still-made bed.
My chest tightened as I turned toward her old bedroom, the one she hadn’t slept in since we’d been officially together. I didn’t know what was going on, but panic raced through me at the unknown possibilities.
I opened the door slowly, flicking on the light as I gently pushed it shut. Stella was asleep under the sheets but restless as she tossed and turned.
“Hey,” I whispered, gently rocking her awake. “I think you have the wrong room,” I tried to joke as she blinked her eyes open. They were bloodshot and swollen, her cheeks red and raw, as if she’d cried herself to sleep.
“Sweetheart, what’s wrong? Why were you crying?”
“I’m fine,” she said, swiping her cheek with the back of her hand. “I was just tired.”
“Bennie said you were sad and quiet after watching my wedding video. If you are, we need to talk—”
“Lee, please,” she said, clenching her eyes shut. “I can’t right now.”
“All right,” I relented, even though this was anything but. This didn’t make sense. Stella had been the one person I’d been able to talk to about Katie. She was still the only one who knew how awful I’d felt about being mad at Katie and helped me talk about her to Bennie.
Why would watching my wedding spook her like this, if that’s what was bothering her?
“Can I lie with you if you’re upset? Please.”
She didn’t answer as she settled on her side, scooting back a couple of inches. I wasn’t sure if that meant yes or no, but I took off my shirt and pants and got in behind her anyway.
I kissed her shoulder and draped my arm around her waist. She didn’t lean into me like she usually did, but she didn’t pull away either.
“Good night, sweetheart,” I said, watching her until I drifted off, still clueless as to what to do and what had gone wrong since I’d left her this morning.
I woke up to an empty bed. The clock on the nightstand read five thirty, a half hour before Stella usually woke up.
I stood from the bed, grabbing a T-shirt and shorts from my bedroom before I headed downstairs to figure out what the hell was going on.
Stella was at the dining room table, dressed and typing on her laptop. Her gaze flicked to mine, but she didn’t get up or kiss me good morning. We’d gotten so close, but I’d come home to a ton of distance between us that I couldn’t understand or fix.
“Did I do something while I was at the game? Or in my sleep? Because, baby, I want to make it better, but I don’t remember it.”
She took a deep breath. Her face was still swollen, with puffy circles around her eyes.
“You didn’t do anything. I’m just wondering if this is going too fast.”
“Too fast? How is it going too fast?” Tension seized my shoulders while Stella’s focus stayed on her screen.
“It’s only been a couple of months,” she said, her voice weak and not sounding like my Stella at all. “Me living here could be complicating things.”
I closed the laptop with a loud slam. Stella flinched, finally meeting my gaze.
“I’ll make it simple for you. I love you. I want you living here. In fact, I want you here for good. Not just until the end of the season. Forever. Because you’re mine, Stella. And I’m yours. I don’t want you to live anywhere else.”
“You think you mean that, but you don’t.” She stood, grabbing the mug that was next to her computer and heading toward the kitchen.
“I don’t think that. I know that.” I stepped in front of her. “And you love me too. You wouldn’t have cried yourself to sleep last night if you didn’t. So let’s start again. What is upsetting you? You knew I was married. You were there, remember?”
“I do,” she said, her watery gaze holding mine. “I’m just… I’m scared, Lee.”
“Baby.” I took her face in my hands. “It’s okay. Don’t be scared. It’s me.”
She reached up to grab my wrists, clenching her eyes shut.
“Yes, it’s you.” Pain pulled at her features, pain that I hadn’t seen before and was enough to scare me too. “Listen, I’m in a weird headspace right now. Can you take Bennie to school? I hate to ruin your day off.”
It was already ruined. I’d expected to climb into bed with Stella last night, make love to her until she had to scream into my pillow, and wake up with her sleeping on my chest and her hair tickling my arm.
I hadn’t expected the woman I loved to feel like she was slipping right through my fingers because I couldn’t think of a way to grab on to her.
“I can take her to school if you want to stay home.”
“I think I’m going to go out today. Maybe sit in the park for a while.
I just need some space. I know I’m hurting you right now, and I’m sorry.
But I just…” She pressed a light hand to my chest, but it felt like she was giving me a two-handed push away.
I wasn’t going to allow that, but I’d give her whatever time she wanted today.
“Okay,” I said, kissing her forehead, letting my lips linger before I pulled away. “Whatever you want.”
I left her alone and went back upstairs. My gaze drifted toward the ceiling while I lay on my bed.
What I felt for Stella didn’t lessen how much I’d loved Katie, and missing Katie didn’t diminish what I felt for Stella. I’d never thought loving two people was possible, never mind at the same time.
Katie had liked Stella. I liked to think Katie would be happy that I was happy, and she’d want Bennie and me to end up with someone who loved us both.
I knew in my bones Stella loved me. If seeing me with Katie somehow upset her last night, I would tell her loving someone in my past didn’t mean I couldn’t love her. Because I did. So damn much.
I’d give her space for the day, but no matter what was running around in her head, I wouldn’t let her go.