Chapter 33 Stella
THIRTY-THREE
STELLA
“Why are you here so early?” My mother grasped the edges of her robe. “Don’t you have to take Bennie to school?”
I’d been in my car since six thirty, but I’d waited until seven to let my mother know I was heading over. She was up before five, so I knew I wouldn’t wake her.
I needed out of the house and away from Lee. I knew I’d upset and blindsided him, but I couldn’t tell him why I was so hurt without confessing that last secret I was holding back. The one I’d thought I could get away with not telling.
But it was the only explanation I had for heading into a life crisis from watching a wedding video.
“I was upset and didn’t want Bennie to see me like this, even though she told Lee I was sad and quiet when he came home last night.” I plopped on her couch, my old bed.
I huffed out a sad laugh. I’d been going backward with places I used to sleep. First, my old bedroom at Lee’s, now here. Maybe tomorrow, I’d be sleeping in Ohio.
“Did you and Lee have an argument?” Mom asked, perched on the edge of the couch and examining my face. “Your eyes are all swollen. What could have happened? I half expected you to tell me you were coming here to say that you were engaged.”
I let my head fall back on the couch. I felt like I was losing my mind, but I didn’t know how to control or explain it. As many tears as I’d shed over the years for Lee, I’d never been like this.
“Bennie had me watch old family videos with her last night. Her as a baby and…before.”
She held my gaze and nodded.
“So you watched Lee with Katie, and now that you’re with Lee, it hit you in a much different way. You’re comparing and panicking that he doesn’t love you the same.”
“No. Yes.” I groaned, sliding a hand down my face. “He can’t love me the same way. He said during his wedding toast that she was the one and only love of his life.”
“That he knew of at the time.”
“Come on, Mom. You never dated anyone after Dad.”
“Yes, I did.”
My head popped up. “You did?”
She shrugged. “A few. No one that I cared enough about to introduce to you and your brother, but some of them were nice.” A wistful smile lifted her lips.
“Some were nice,” I repeated, finding it impossible to think of her with anyone but my father.
“Dinners here and there, some nice nights. Casual stuff.” She rolled her eyes. “Oh, fix your face. You’re a grown-up.”
“Am I?” I huffed. I wasn’t acting like one. Since last night, I’d been floating around in my body, wanting to snap the hell out of it, but I couldn’t. I hadn’t felt this low when his wedding actually happened, so why had rewatching it devastated me so much?
“Okay, you had some nice nights. I’m actually glad. But you never loved anyone after Dad, right? You always said no one would compare, so why bother?”
“Well, that was mostly fear talking. Losing your father was the worst thing I’d ever had to endure, and I didn’t think I could survive it again. But it would’ve been nice to fall in love with someone else. I just didn’t. So I didn’t mind the occasional hollow substitute.”
Hollow. There was that word again.
“It’s natural to feel a little jealous of the first wife of the man you loved, especially when he didn’t leave her on purpose. But that’s only half of why you’re upset.” She tapped her slipper on the carpet.
“What if I wasted my life on a man who will never love me like I love him?” My nose burned as my eyes watered all over again. “What if it will always be one-sided when it comes to us? I can’t do it anymore.”
“Easy, Stella Bella.”
She smoothed my hair off my forehead, drawing an actual laugh out of me at the silly nickname.
“I can’t answer any of that. You know I was worried when you said you were going to stay at his house for the season to watch Bennie.”
“And I should have listened better.”
Her shoulders jerked with a chuckle.
“You and your brother never listen to me, so I’m used to it. But I will tell you what I see now. Lee loves you. Dottie said she hasn’t seen him this happy in years, and that morning at his house, you both lit up. I knew before Bennie squealed on you.”
I covered my eyes and laughed. That had been the weirdest yet best morning.
“Do I know how much he loves you compared to Katie?” She shook her head. “And you may never truly know either. But if you keep trying to best a dead woman, you’ll run around in circles for the rest of your life.”
“I guess,” I said. “I just didn’t expect such a gut punch.
I was at his wedding, but I’d hidden at all the big moments.
The cake, the toast, the you can kiss the bride.
The video of them at the beach together wasn’t as bad, but it made me feel like I’m stealing her life.
A life that really isn’t mine, even though I chased it all this time. ”
“Does Lee know all of that?”
“Of course not. I left him all kinds of panicked and confused this morning.”
“What did he say?”
“That he loves me and he wants me to move in with them for good. I told him I was scared, and he said not to be, because it’s him.”
“And you couldn’t tell him that you were so scared because it was him.”
“Pretty much,” I said, rubbing my eyes. “So what should I do?”
“That’s up to you. Where does he think you are?”
I glanced out the window. Bennie would be just getting ready for school now, probably asking where I was. I’d run out on her today too.
“I said I wanted space. That maybe I’d go to the park or something. And I ended up here.”
“I’d rather you come here instead of Ohio.” She glowered at me.
“No, none of that, Mom. I promise I’m not running. Well, other than just now.”
We shared a laugh while I dropped my head into my hands.
“I’m only letting you stay here for a day. You’re going to go back and talk it out. Can I say one more thing?”
I fell back on the couch and shut my eyes.
“I barged in here at seven on a Monday morning. You can say whatever you want.”
“Well, actually, I thought of two things.” She tapped her chin. “Your father was the love of my life. I couldn’t fathom telling another man I loved him. If I ever did, I’d have to mean it. So if he’s said that, I am sure that it’s not something he takes lightly.”
“Okay,” I said, peering up at my mother. She was still a timeless kind of beauty. I wished she’d been able to love someone after my father. She deserved that so much.
“Second, let’s say, for argument’s sake, he loved Katie more than he does you, and after she died, he was never totally whole again. But whatever he’s got left, he’s giving it to you. So you’re not sharing him or second best or entertaining a one-sided crush anymore. Am I making sense?”
“You really are,” I said, taking in a full breath for the first time since last night.
“While I’m on a roll, I think you should tell him how you’ve felt all these years. Because if you keep holding it in, this won’t be the last time something small sets you off. If he’s going to have to address it, let him know all that he’s dealing with.”
“You make me sound like a problem,” I joked.
“You’re not a problem,” she said, squeezing my hand. “Loving someone is scary. There’ll be moments of doubt from all different places. You talk, you tough it out, but you don’t close off and run. That’s a shitty habit you finally need to break.”
I dropped my head to her shoulder.
“You’re wise.”
“I’m old. Most times, it comes with the territory. Are you hungry?”
“Not really, but I guess I should eat. I only got down two sips of coffee this morning.”
“I’ll make us a pot with some eggs. Then you can go and figure out your life.” She kissed my cheek and slowly pushed off the couch, grabbing her cane.
I was still upset, but now that I had most of my equilibrium back, I felt stupid and upset. Lee and I could always talk about anything except how I felt about him. I’d told him I loved him, but not for how long.
My phone had a slew of text messages on the screen, making me feel worse.
Lee
I got Bennie to school, and she’s upset I can’t do a braid and that she’s going to ruin her image having just a ponytail today. Not those exact words, but she’s not happy. I guess we’re both lost without you.
Lee
I wish you’d talk to me.
Lee
And that I knew where you were. But you said you needed space, so I won’t ask.
Stella
I’m at my mom’s. Coming back soon.
Lee
Thank God. I have to run to the field for a bit, but I’ll be right back. Please don’t leave if I’m not here.
I had this poor man running scared. Mom was right; fleeing wasn’t the answer, and it wasn’t fair.
I may have shed more than my share of tears for Lee over the years, but he’d never meant to hurt me or even had the slightest inkling that he was doing it. What I’d done today was like punishing him for his past, a past that had punished him more than he’d ever deserved.
He loved me. A day ago, that had been plenty and, in the end, all that really mattered. Competitions fueled by fear wouldn’t do either of us any good, but a long, very overdue talk would.
Lee’s car was still gone when I pulled up to the house. Where would I even start when he got back?
Remember that second night of grief group, when I said something and made you laugh? Well, I fell in love with you at that exact moment and have handled it extremely poorly ever since.
I started up the stairs, rehearsing my speech as I searched for my keys. Right after the lock clicked, something pushed me from behind hard enough for me to fall inside on the wooden floor next to the front door.
I broke my fall on my hands but scraped my knee. I turned my head to see what had made me fall and found Zach locking the door behind us.
“Zach? What the hell are you doing here?”
“Stella, please. You have to help me.”
“Help you?” I stood from the floor, my legs shaking as my heart pounded in my ears. I’d never been afraid of Zach, even after he’d punched me. But I’d never seen him like this. He bounced back and forth on his feet, darting his eyes from me to the windows like a caged rat.
“How did you even find me?”