Chapter 24
“Ladies and gentlemen and those nonconforming to nonsensical gender rules, please take your seats, as we’re about to get started with our annual Christmas Trivia Extravaganza!”
The announcer looks like a young Bad Bunny and is wearing one of those fake white beards that department store Santas clean off the shelves this time of year, except it’s slung under his chin and not on his face, which is a strong move.
“My name is DeSantos, and my pronouns are they/them. But tonight, you can just call me DeSantos Claus , and I’m honored to be your hostess.
We are gathered here today to answer cutthroat questions about all things holiday.
And as we do every year here at Wade’s, we’ll be donating the entry fee plus ten percent of tonight’s total proceeds to a charity of the winning team’s choice.
So we thank you all for your enthusiasm, your holiday cheer, and of course, your very festive green dollars! ”
Applause sounds around the room and drinks are lifted in the air. DeSantos takes a little bow, and I love them immediately. I document it all on camera.
“Now without further ado, let’s introduce our competitors, shall we?
” they say, and motion to a screen behind their head, where the names of participating teams begin to materialize.
When we were asked for ours just before DeSantos took the stage, Diya suggested the Royal Tannenbaums, which I thought was pretty inspired.
Plus, it’s a little bit of a flex, like we’re sure we’re going to be crowned before the end of the night.
“Okay, Eve, let’s talk oppo,” Izaac says while we wait to get started. “Weaknesses we can exploit? Personality flaws? Neuroses?” He looks around the little stage. There are three other teams in addition to us at the tables arranged on each side of DeSantos’s host stand.
“Yes, great question. I also have another one: Does anyone want more popcorn?” Cash asks, shaking his empty bowl. We all look at him and no one says a word. “What? I’m practicing music trivia! Got some corn for popping? No?”
We all look back to Eve.
“Well…” She studies the screen. “The Rudolph Rebels are a bunch of nerds who start prepping for this in July every year, and basically live at Wade’s playing pinball and strategizing.
The Prancers and Dancers really only play so they can dress up and get onstage.
I don’t think they actually care about the contest.”
I look over at said team, which is comprised of humans in various spectacular, holiday-inspired costumes. There’s a sexy Mrs. Claus, an Elf on the Shelf with a bedazzled red onesie, a blasphemous version of Jesus in the manger, and a genderfluid Frosty the Snowperson.
“What about the Blitzin’ Vixens?” Audra asks.
Eve groans and rolls her eyes. “Ugh, Krista and her cronies.” She looks over at the table of girls, all about our age, who are glowering in our direction.
“That’s your nemesis?” Cash asks.
“We… dated for a while last year,” she says.
“Which one?” Izaac tacks on, and I know he’s doing recon for me.
“The middle,” she answers, scratching behind her left ear with her pinky and chewing her bottom lip.
“You mean the one created in Regina George’s image?” Cash asks, his eyes widening.
Eve says, “Yep.” Her p pops, and when I follow Cash’s gaze, getting a look at this girl does nothing for my confidence levels.
Oof. Krista has blond shoulder-length hair and fringe bangs.
Her leather jacket is Santa-suit red, and she’s wearing candy cane earrings that look like they might be crusted with literal diamonds.
If that’s Eve’s type, I should probably bow out of the race for her heart now.
She’s flanked by two other girls, both of whom look like they woke up this morning, glanced in the mirror, and thought, What Would Krista Do?
Overall, it seems to me that Krista is trying to be someone twice her age, that her friends are trying to be her, and that Eve is trying to forget they all exist.
“Anyway, I’m pretty sure they only hang out here because Veronica—the one on the end—works here, and I’m pretty sure she only works here because she’s obsessed with Carlos, who always hangs out here…”
I try to catch a reaction from Audra, but if she’s having feelings, she’s keeping her face as chill as ever. I’m going to need some lessons from her on how to do that.
“You think they’ll be tough to beat?” Diya asks. She looks like she’s making some mental calculations.
“Oh, for sure. They’re competitors. They couldn’t care less about Christmas—total Grinches, all of them—but they love to win.”
“I’m sorry, what kind of human doesn’t care about Christmas?” I ask.
“Well, she’s nothing like you, Strudel,” she says.
“Oh,” I say. Because I’m not sure whether it’s meant to be positive.
“She’s the most cynical,” she continues. “She doesn’t see any of the good stuff.”
I get a fresh surge of confidence.
Behind her head, Cash is mouthing Kiss her!
I’m considering going over to strangle him when DeSantos gets back on the mic.
“All right, let’s get this social experiment started!” they say. “Tonight’s categories include…”
With each click of the remote in DeSantos’s hand, a new bullet appears on the screen.
“Christmas music.”
Click .
“Christmas food.”
Click .
“Christmas history.”
And, with the last click of his device, a silent cheer rises inside me: “And, my personal favorite, Christmas movies!”
Izaac nudges me and winks, crooning in a singsong voice, “Secret weeeeapon.”
I give him my impression of the nervous face emoji, but still warm at the thought.
DeSantos continues and we learn that the game is structured in three rounds of six questions.
At the end of each, the team with the lowest score is eliminated.
DeSantos also explains the “lifeline” option, inspired by that old TV game show Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?
Here, we’re given three possible choices and allowed to poll the audience via applause, or “phone a friend.” Apparently in this case, that means asking someone in the crowd.
“Okay, friends and neighbors, first category is…” DeSantos drumrolls and pulls a scrap of paper out of a stocking. “Christmas food!”
Cash rolls up his sleeves and I rub his back. “It’s my time to glitter, people,” he says.
“This is the iconic Italian Christmas bread, with candied orange peel and raisins—” Cash’s hand smacks our buzzer before the question even comes fully out of their mouth.
“Pizza!” he shouts, and we all look at him, incredulous.
“He’s joking,” Eve jumps in. “He means panettone.”
“Correct! One point for the Royal Tannenbaums!” DeSantos says, grinning stiffly. “Though perhaps I should be clearer that only the first answer will be accepted. So I advise teams not to joke.”
“What? Pizza is definitely Christmas food,” Cash says when we all glare at him. “We have it every year at the Most Horrible Holiday Movie Marathon!”
He’s not wrong about that, at least.
“Okay, next category!” DeSantos shouts. “Christmas music! What is the most popular Christmas song of all time?”
One of the Vixens slaps their buzzer and Krista looks over at us like she’s sure they have this one in the bag. But when Veronica says, “?‘All I Want for Christmas Is You,’?” I know she’s made a critical error.
As DeSantos confirms this, I slap our buzzer a liiiiittle aggressively, and Izaac flinches like I’m about to hit him. “What is ‘Silent Night’?” I shout.
“Correct! Another point to the Royal Tannenbaums,” DeSantos says. “But for the record, there is no need to answer in the form of a question.”
I slink back in my seat a little as a blush warms my cheeks, but Eve is smiling, so it’s worth it.
We’re off to a head start, but the other teams start getting their footing.
Some questions are simple enough for even holiday culture noobs.
(“What is it called when people sing in the streets?” “Caroling!” says sexy Mrs. Claus).
Others require more of an understanding of pop culture, and the Vixens do pretty well on that front.
(“Which of Santa’s reindeer shares a name with another holiday mascot? ” “Cupid!” Krista shouts.)
At the end of round one, the Prancers and Dancers are the first to get eliminated, even after polling the audience, but they don’t seem fazed in the least. In fact, I see what Eve meant when she said they may have just entered the contest to get onstage, because they quickly transition to becoming impromptu entertainment, doing fully choreographed dances and pulling herkies between questions, which gets them way more applause than their trivia responses.
As the second round winds down, I look over at Carlos in back. Hugo is standing behind him on a barstool so he can see the stage. He watches intently, focused on his big sister.
The final question is announced and I turn back to the stage.
“If the Rebels get the next one wrong, they’re out,” Diya says, and thank god someone is keeping track, because my brain is more chaotic than a pinball machine from all the activity.
The Rudolph Rebels are naturally quick to buzz in when they hear, “How many reindeer are featured in the original poem, ‘?’Twas the Night Before Christmas’?”
“Nine!” one of them hollers.
“Actually, dear Rudolph Rebels, your namesake hadn’t yet joined the crew,” DeSantos tells them regretfully.
The Vixens pick up with the correct answer—eight—and both our table and the Vixens erupt in cheers simultaneously, because with that, the Rebels are no more, and we advance to the finals.
We learn that in this last round we will be going head-to-head with the Vixens and best two-out-of-three wins.
Even though the prize is a fruitcake crown, it feels a whole lot higher stakes given the fact that we’re going up against Eve’s ex-girlfriend.
I try to put that out of my mind, because even without that information, I’d still want to wipe the lipsticked grins off their faces.