18. Blair
Blair
A ndrei’s kisses quickly become a gentle reminder throughout the day of how sweet he’s capable of being when he wants to be. Sure, he can be terrifying when the moment calls for it, but when he’s at home, he’s become such a steady presence that I find myself missing him when he’s gone.
When I’m falling asleep, occasionally I’ll stir to find him playing with my hair, and more than once I’ve caught him looking at me like I’m the only person in the room, regardless of where we are and who we’re with.
He’s considerate, patient, unexpectedly funny, and the way he’s insisted on taking me out on weekly dates makes my heart flutter.
But part of him always seems to be playing defense, and whenever I notice it, it’s hard to look past the fact that all his sweet moments are just that: moments.
Moments that all seem meaningless now as I blink up at him, feeling like he’s throwing me into the lion’s den. Mila blinks at him like she can’t believe the words that just came out of his mouth.
I can’t blame her, because neither can I.
“What?” I can’t stop myself from hissing.
Andrei shrugs easily.
Traitor.
“It’s been long enough. We should all sit down and have dinner together,” he says. His hand is on the small of my back as he looks away from me, focusing on Mila. “Can you come over tonight? Or should we find a different day?”
How about never?
“Tonight,” Mila answers without hesitation, a triumphant grin on her face. “I can’t wait to spend an evening with you and Nikolai. Now, go, I have to start cooking!” She shoos us away while I’m trying to figure out if I want to laugh or cry.
I’ve been trying so hard to let myself trust Andrei, and this is what he does with it?
Sure, I’ve asked Mila to come over for dinner before, but that was on my terms. It wasn’t something that was sprung on me by someone else. I guess it was too much to hope that Andrei would know better.
I’m quiet as we all pile into the car after picking Niko up, but only because that seems like a better alternative than screaming. Luckily Niko’s happy enough to fill the silence, making sure to recount every minute of his slumber party with Mila.
Meanwhile, Andrei and I were curled up on the couch watching an old movie, and now he’s inviting Mila to dinner. Without checking with me first.
I’m not sure if it’d be better to ice him out or strangle him.
“Andrei, are you my papa now?”
I freeze, Niko’s question cutting me to the bone. I turn around in my seat to look at him, but he’s focused on the toy dinosaurs in his lap, totally oblivious to the ticking bomb he’s thoughtlessly thrown into the middle of this car.
Shit, did I make him think Andrei’s here to replace Daniil?
“Of course not,” Andrei answers with a small shake of his head, eyes still on the road. “I’m not going to take your papa’s place. I’m not trying to, either.”
“But you’re always around Mama, and you make her smile, just like Papa did.”
Does he?
Irrationally, I want to cover Niko’s mouth before he says anything else. Andrei doesn’t need to hear about how much I supposedly smile around him. He doesn’t need to know that I’m starting to get attached to him.
If Niko’s noticing it, then I have to do a way better job of covering up how I feel.
“I’m not trying to be your papa, Niko. Only your mama’s husband. I just want to make her happy, you know?” He clears his throat as he navigates a turn. “But I am hoping that you and I can be friends.”
“We are friends,” he says, like it’s a long-established fact. Like the sky being blue. Or gravity simply existing. He nods to himself, turning his head to watch the scenery flying by through the window. “Can we go to the park, Mama?”
“Of course,” I hear myself answer, though I’m dizzy with emotional whiplash. If Andrei’s going to invite Mila over, he can’t follow that up by being sweet and patient with my son. He has to give me a chance to find some middle ground first.
“After lunch?”
Niko’s face is bright with excitement as he nods. The smile on his face makes him look so much like Daniil, I have to force myself to face forward. Apparently done with conversation, Niko goes back to playing, holding up his toys and making exaggerated roars for the rest of the drive.
***
Mila is due to arrive in twenty minutes. That should be plenty of time to get my oscillating mood under control, right?
On the one hand, I’m furious. If Andrei wanted to tell me to shut up and make myself scarce because he wanted to talk to Mila alone, it would have been kinder for him to just say so to my face. Having Mila come over is just setting me up for misery.
On the other hand, he was perfect with Niko this morning.
In my wildest dreams, I never would have pictured that conversation going as well as it did.
As mad as I am, I feel part of myself melting when I realize exactly how good he is with Niko.
In the big moments and the little ones, he’s present and aware of exactly who he’s talking to.
I adjust the silverware, making sure that everything is perfect while dinner finishes cooking in the oven.
Part of me wanted to make a show of picking up takeout and tossing greasy burgers on everyone’s place, but instead I went to the store and got everything I needed to make a wonderful last-minute dinner for someone who’s inevitably going to pretend I’m not there anyway.
Because I’m pathetic and still can’t help but want to impress Mila.
I have to run upstairs and get dressed, but I need to make sure everything is set up in case Mila gets here early, trying to catch me off guard.
Like she did the last four times she came over.
Doing my best to brush aside my irritation, I make my way upstairs, pausing outside Niko’s door long enough to make sure he’s alright.
Despite seeing her this morning, he’s been acting like he’s going to be reunited with his long-lost other half, and it’s been a challenge to keep him calm and tell him to be patient.
Mila and I might not like each other, but I’ll do everything in my power to protect Niko from having to bear witness to our combined bitterness and resentment.
He’s sitting on the floor with a book in his lap, running his finger along words he can’t read as he makes up the story, and I can’t help but smile.
I’ll put up with tonight, but I’ll also have to make it clear to Andrei that this isn’t going to happen again without discussing it with me first.
Maybe I should just seek him out and clear the air now. He’s probably tucked away in the spare bedroom that he’s using as an office since he started spending most nights sharing my bed. Or maybe I should wait until I’ve had some time to calm down.
That’s probably the smarter move.
I head into the closet to pull on something suitably nice, but not so nice that it screams I’m trying to impress you!
Please give me your approval! Settling on a conservative sweater and simple skirt, I change quickly, nearly falling backward when I bump headfirst into Andrei’s chest, only remaining upright when his hand wraps around me, keeping me in place.
“You alright?”
“Yeah,” I answer while I shake my head, trying to reorient myself.
“Well, which is it?” He chuckles. “Yes or no?”
As much as I wanted to find a way to let go of my anger and approach him when I was feeling more like myself, his little laugh is the straw that breaks the camel’s back. I can’t repress the low boil in my blood or hide the way my hands flex, wanting to lash out at something.
“You know what? No. No, I’m not okay.” My chest heaves.
“Why the fuck did you invite Mila over without even asking if I was okay with it? Who does that? I mean, for fuck’s sake, Andrei, that woman hasn’t spoken more than a dozen words to me since the first time I met her!
If you want to spend time with her, fucking feel free, but you don’t have the right to drag me into it. ”
The corner of his lip curls upward, and I shove against his chest, trying to put some space between us.
“Stop smiling, you jerk. I’m serious.”
“This is why, zolotse .”
“Because you wanted to piss me off?” I scoff. “Well, congratulations, you did a great job.”
“No,” he smiles, voice soft. “Because she pisses you off. And you don’t deserve it. ”
“So you invited her over? If you weren’t actively trying to annoy me, then that’s a little counterproductive.” He keeps smiling, and I smack my hands against his solid chest, twisting hard so I can get free of his grasp, but he doesn’t give me an inch.
“Do you trust me?” There’s a hit of vulnerability in his voice, and I can’t stand it. I try to look away from him, but he chases my eyes, pinning me in place when I don’t answer.
Do I trust him?
For the most part, Andrei’s been amazing.
But eventually he’ll get bored, or he’ll get worn down from having to deal with Maksim’s bullshit, and he’ll pull away.
He’ll stop taking me on dates, or he’ll spend more time out and about under the guise of working.
Or, if he’s feeling spiteful, he’ll take a card out of Daniil’s playbook and have an affair, making a show of how little he cares that it hurts me.
He’s here for now, but he won’t be forever.
And I’m trying to trust him, but it’s hard to let my guard down when I know he’ll only be here for a while.
“That’s alright,” he eventually sighs. “We’ll get there.”
He lets me go, pressing a kiss to the side of my head as I pull away.
“Finish getting ready. I’ll let Mila in when she gets here, okay?”
I stand there, unable to do anything but watch as he leaves the room. He didn’t seem surprised. If anything, he seemed disappointed, which is so much worse.
I try to ignore how shitty I feel as I finish getting dressed.
Before I’m ready for it, I’m standing at the top of the stairs, taking a deep breath while Mila chats away with Niko and Andrei as they greet her in Russian, half wondering if I should even bother going down to join them.
It’s just a few hours , I tell myself as I close my eyes. In a few hours, she’ll be gone again, and I won’t have to feel like a stranger in my own home again.
Niko sounds excited as he blabs away, and I don’t understand a single thing he says.
I paste a wooden smile in place as I go to join them, pretending for everyone else’s sake that I’m not upset about being excluded from yet another conversation, even as I trail after Niko as he guides Mila toward the dining room, urging her to take the seat next to his.
Andrei eyes me curiously, but I ignore him as I serve dinner while I bite my tongue.
God, I’m pitiful.
There used to be a time that I would stand up for myself, but this isn’t a battle I’m going to pick anymore.
What’s the point? She’s never viewed me as a person worthy of her respect, and no amount of pleading or kindness has changed her opinion in the slightest. It didn’t change after Daniil and I got married, it didn’t change after Niko was born, and I don’t expect anything to change now that Daniil’s gone.
Mila says something as everyone eats, looking at Andrei in a pointed way that makes me think she’s asking a question. I look at my food, wondering how soon I can start pushing her out the door.
I’m only capable of putting up this farce for so long, and eventually something’s going to give. Either I’m going to snap, or I’m going to start crying, and neither option will do much for my already battered ego .
“I didn’t have anything to do with that,” Andrei replies, startling me out of my personal pity party.
Has he been speaking English this whole time? I watch him curiously, but his expression remains unchanged.
With the lack of tact that only a child can possess, Niko launches back into conversation in Russian, only stopping when Andrei clears his throat.
“Speak English, Nikolai. It’s rude to exclude someone you care about from the conversation.”
“But Baba Mila says—”
“And I said no. Your mother doesn’t speak Russian. Until we teach her, don’t cut her out.”
“That’s not…” I start to say, but Andrei cuts me off with a sharp look. I know I’m only arguing out of habit, so I smile, turning my head away to try to conceal it. Mila glances between the three of us, looking uncomfortable.
“Sorry, Mama,” Niko mutters to his plate, looking confused.
I pat his hand, smiling. “It’s okay, baby. Eat your dinner.”
For several long moments, the only sound is his silverware clattering against the plate as he eats while Andrei and Mila glare at each other.
“As I was saying, I don’t have anything to do with Niko going to your place every week.
That’s all Blair. If it were my choice, you wouldn’t be alone with him until you learned to treat Blair with respect.
” I blink while Mila gapes. “I don’t understand why she allows it, but she’s proven time and time again that she’s far more generous than I am.
So, if you insist on thanking someone for ensuring you’re still a part of his life, thank her.
Anyone else would be a waste of breath. ”
For the first time since we met, Mila looks at me. Actually looks at me. Her jaw is tight, and she looks like she’s swallowed a lemon, but at least she isn’t looking through me.
Only then do Andrei’s words click.
“Wait, did you really think I was going to try to keep Niko from you?” The question tastes bitter on my tongue. “You two adore each other. Regardless of how you and I feel, I’m not going to keep you from him.”
She doesn’t respond, but I never expected her to. I’m grateful for what Andrei’s trying to do, and I make a note to tell him as much later, but some feelings are too deeply ingrained to be erased with a single, tense dinner.
The rest of the meal is quiet, only broken up by Niko’s tentative questions and attempts at conversation, and he speaks in a mixture of English and Russian. He glances between Andrei and Mila whenever he switches, like he’s worried that one of them is going to yell at him every time he does.
When she’s getting ready to leave, I’m startled when Mila rests her hand on my arm.
“Thank you for dinner,” she mumbles as she passes by. “I’ll see Niko again next week?”
For a moment, I’m stunned.
“Of course,” I tell her. Over her shoulder, Andrei smirks as he helps Niko tie his shoes so he can walk his grandmother to her car.