22. Blair
Blair
I blink as I look around the table and realize how normal this feels. Andrei nods along, looking far more engaged in what Niko’s favorite bug is than he should be. It still astounds me that a man of his stature can give all his attention to my son without a care in the world.
Everywhere through the house, there are reminders that he’s here, that he’s carving out a place for himself in our home. But still, I can’t ignore the image of the full closet in his condo, patiently waiting for Andrei to return home to it.
For the most part, he either spends his days working outside the house, or tucked away in his office. He emerges for dinner, spends the evening with us, and then spends his nights sharing my bed.
But sometimes I run into him doing chores, and it catches me off guard. I’ll cook, then find him doing the dishes without prompting. More than once, I’ve run into him in the laundry room, already folding clothes before I even get a chance to get to it .
His coat hangs next to mine in the front closet. His shoes have been added to the shoe rack. His toothbrush is next to mine in the bathroom.
The way he looks after Niko is calm and gentle, but never overbearing. He defers to me whenever there’s an issue, like he’s taking care not to step on my shoes, even if it’s for something as small as letting Niko stay up ten minutes later than normal.
His coffee is seemingly forgotten as he leans forward, asking Niko whether he prefers bugs that fly or crawl, his expression as serious as it always is.
Swallowing thickly, I shove the feelings building in my chest aside and instead glare at Andrei’s phone.
I’ve told him before that I don’t want phones at the table, but it’s there more often than not. It’s face down, and every time it’s rung he’s ignored it, but still. It’s there. It’s been pinging all morning, but he doesn’t spare the thing a single glance.
I try to will myself to summon something more than minor annoyance, but I can’t find the energy for it.
But if I want to be able to keep my distance, I need to find something. Some glaring flaw, some neon sign that I can’t ignore until I remember to hold him at arm’s length.
It just seems like everything’s falling into place too easily, and I’m tired of waiting for the other shoe to drop.
His phone starts ringing, and he looks at it just long enough to silence it before his attention is back on Niko, nodding along to whatever topic they’ve moved on to.
I’m poking at my breakfast when Niko gasps suddenly, dropping the thread of conversation as he looks at Andrei with wide eyes. He looks at Andrei as if he holds the answer to every prayer he’s ever had.
“Can we go to the park?”
I can’t help but smile, but I cover it with my coffee.
On the one hand, it makes me uneasy how easily he’s taken to looking at Andrei as an authority figure, but on the other, it’s like watching a puppy chasing down the most dangerous man in the room and begging to play.
“ Please , Andrei?”
Andrei takes another sip of his coffee, silent and unyielding in the face of Niko’s big, brown eyes. He glances at me, lifting a shoulder in question. “If your mama says it’s okay, then sure.”
Niko looks at me, morphing his face into a picture of desperation, like he’s been held prisoner and would sell his soul to see the sun again. When it’s for easy things like this, I adore his dramatics. They let me know that despite everything that’s happened, he’s still the same silly boy I love.
“Okay.”
He throws his hands into the air in celebration, and even Andrei can’t help but chuckle.
An hour later, Niko’s head is thrown back with full-bellied laughter as Andrei pushes him on the swings.
The sun is warm on my skin, even as the fall air bites at my cheeks as I sit on a bench.
The other kids at the park are running around, laughing and screaming as they play in the fallen leaves, climbing the playground equipment.
I wouldn’t have expected Andrei to look so content playing with Niko, but he does. He’s smiling, shoulders relaxed in a way I’ve never seen before. I use his distraction to my advantage and pull out my phone to snap a couple of pictures of the two of them.
They look like a father and son enjoying an easy day together.
I don’t want to put any pressure on Andrei to make him think he has to fill that role, but maybe there will be a day when he’d like to look back on little moments like these. Or maybe these photos will end up just being something for me to look at and remember.
Either way, I’m smiling as I put my phone back into my purse, stopping when it lights up with a text from Nadya.
Nadya: Did you hear about Pavel?
Me: No. What about him?
Nadya: Andrei didn’t tell you???
Nadya: Rumor has it someone found him in his apartment.
Nadya: And according to that same rumor, it looked like someone killed him
I force myself to slow down, reading her words again and again, until the words start to lose meaning.
Someone killed Pavel?
He’s dead? What does she mean , Pavel’s dead?
My hands shake as I put my phone away, ignoring the way it continues to ping with incoming texts.
I look at Andrei while my thoughts scatter in a thousand different directions. He already knows, right? There’s no way he doesn’t. His phone was blowing up this morning, and he ignored it.
He knows.
Shouldn’t he be doing something?
Maksim must be livid. Surely, he’s demanding answers and retribution.
Blinking, my gaze focuses on Andrei’s bruised knuckles as he pushes the swing, like he doesn’t have a care in the world, and my heart stops as realization clicks.
Andrei wouldn’t kill Pavel.
He’s loyal to Maksim. He wouldn’t kill his pakhan’s son.
That wouldn’t make any sense.
Right?
Niko says something and Andrei laughs in response, loud and full-chested, and it feels like I can take a deep breath for the first time in years. It probably says more about me than it does Pavel, but the relief crashing over me makes me feel weightless.
The monster that’s been hiding in the shadows is gone. I don’t have to worry about him ever again.
For a moment, I feel like I could cry.
My mind keeps nagging at me, telling me that there’s no way Andrei had anything to do with Pavel’s death, but my heart rebelliously whispers that maybe he did.
My steps feel light as I walk toward them.
“You okay?” Andrei asks, raising a brow as I wordlessly wrap my arms around his solid torso.
“I’m great.” I nod. “Are you able to stay home tonight? ”
He eventually nods, and I don’t bother trying to smother my grin as he wraps an arm around my shoulder, pulling me tight against him.
“Good.”
I want to keep him close right now. I want to show him how much he’s starting to mean to me. I want him to know how much I appreciate him, for both the small things and the potentially life-changing things he’s done for me.
“Thank you,” I murmur, standing on my toes to kiss his cheek. If he asked me to pinpoint exactly what I’m grateful for, there’s a chance it would all pour out of me, but he doesn’t. The little candle of peace that’s found a home inside me remains undisturbed.
We’re hand in hand as we walk back to the car while Niko races ahead, jumping on every fallen leaf that crosses his path.
“Would you like to go trick-or-treating with us next week?” I ask him.
He looks at me, looking so startled that I start to second-guess myself.
“You don’t have to.” I try not to let my disappointment show, but I shrug and slip my hand free. “I just thought I’d ask.” At least I can blame the cold for my red cheeks.
Maybe I’m asking too much.
Within moments, he seizes my hand in his again, holding it even tighter. “I figured you already knew I was going to tag along.” His voice is soothing. “I don’t want the two of you wandering around alone after dark.”
That’s actually… really sweet. And unexpected .
Our neighborhood is safe, and now that I don’t have to worry about Pavel, I feel even safer. But his concern thaws out my heart just a little bit more.
If I’m not careful, I’m not going to have any barriers left to protect myself.
“Should I wear a costume?” he asks as a line forms between his brows. Without thinking, I reach up and smooth my thumb over it, pulling my hand back as soon as I realize what I’ve done.
“What would you even go as?” I laugh, trying to brush off my embarrassment. He shrugs, watching Niko carefully as he chases a squirrel up a tree. “You don’t have to wear anything special. I just want you there.”
With us , I think, but don’t say. The setting sun catches his face in profile, and I bite my lip, focusing on the path in front of us so I don’t do anything else stupid. Like drag him to a stop and kiss him until I forget why I can’t afford to fall in love with him.
“I’ll be there, zolotse . I wouldn’t miss it for the world.” His smile tells me that he means it.
***
A soft foam tail smacks Andrei in the shins as Niko spins in a circle, showing off his costume.
He’s practically jumping up and down with excitement, a plastic bucket shaped like a jack-o’-lantern bouncing in his hands.
The stuffed mouth of the T. rex costume flops backward, showing off his messy hair and pink cheeks .
I smile as I put on my coat. He’s hidden his costume in his room for weeks, pulling it out every time Andrei’s working and asking me to help him try it on. Now the grand reveal is here, and Andrei looks like he’s holding back laughter.
Niko looks ridiculous, but he couldn’t be swayed after he picked out this costume. He wanted to be a bright green and yellow dinosaur, and he’s only going to be this young and carefree for a little while. If looking silly makes him happy, then that’s exactly what he’s going to be.
Andrei acts suitably impressed, making Nikolai beam from ear to ear, squirming impatiently while Andrei helps him with his coat. As soon as his arms are through the sleeves, Niko’s turning around and pulling on my hands.
“C’mon, Mama!” he whines, grinning as soon as we’re out the front door. As we make our way through the neighborhood, he slips his hand into Andrei’s, barely containing his excitement as we move from house to house.
Part of me wants to fight against how comfortable Niko feels with Andrei, how easily he’s accepted him. I beat back the urge when I see how surprised Andrei is, like he can’t believe Niko wants to make sure he’s close by.
Instead, I smile as I watch them, nodding along when Niko points out the over-the-top decorations that litter the yards, knocking on door after door and holding out his bucket for candy at each one.
His enthusiasm never fades, even when his energy starts to lag. He’s having the time of his life, but if he doesn’t get some sleep soon, he’s going to turn into a tiny tyrant in a dino suit .
“Alright, kid,” Andrei announces after we leave a house that has a giant spider propped against some overgrown shrubs. “One last house, and then we’re heading home.”
I blink, momentarily stunned. I’m so used to having to be the bad guy that I don’t know what to do. Niko looks at me sleepily, not quite pleading, but not really trusting Andrei’s word, either. I nod at him, but he doesn’t fight. Instead, he marches up the last driveway with determination.
Keeping a close eye on him, I linger at the bottom of the stairs to the porch, gesturing for Andrei to do the same. The warmth in my chest from last week still lingers, and I lay my head on his shoulder as I lean into him.
Niko stretches up to ring the doorbell, looking back at us uncertainly before the door opens. He faces forward, belting out a cheery, “Trick or treat!” Andrei wraps an arm around my shoulders, pressing a kiss against the top of my head while we wait.
When Niko skips back to us, his arms are heaving under the weight of his candy bucket. Clearly the neighbors can’t resist giving him all their candy.
Either that, or they’ve taken a single look at Andrei hovering in the background, using his presence to act as the most menacing parent you’ve ever seen, and decided they’ll do whatever it takes to get him to leave. But I’m going to choose to think that it’s just because of Niko.
To be fair, he does look really cute.
And it isn’t like Andrei is trying to scare everyone in the neighborhood—he’s just being protective, glaring at any man who looks like they might even think about stepping in our direction.
“Ready to go home?” I ask, offering my hand out for Niko’s candy bucket. He nods, handing it over without a fight as he rubs a fist over his eyes.
“Will you carry me?”
“Sure.” I smile, already reaching for him when he shakes his head and steps away.
“Not you, Mama. Andrei.” I look at Andrei, and he has that same startled look on his face.
For the first time, he looks uncertain. Niko’s never asked him for anything I was willing to do before.
He’s only sought him out as a matter of convenience, and the weight of that trust can feel crushing when you aren’t prepared for it.
I nod and, taking a deep breath, Andrei scoops Niko into his arms. “Sure, kid. No problem.” Niko wraps his arms around Andrei’s neck and settles right in, resting his head on his shoulder without a single care or worry.
Andrei’s jaw is clenched tight while he looks around. I can’t help but grin at how overwhelmed he looks. Niko rubs his face against his jacket, already half asleep when I take mercy on him and reach out to hold his hand and begin the slow trek home.
When Andrei turns his head, blinking rapidly, I pretend that it’s because of the cold wind and lift our joined hands so I can kiss the back of his.