23. Andrei
Andrei
I ’m still in a daze the next morning.
When Niko hugged me before falling asleep in my arms, it was both the greatest thing I’ve ever felt and the most terrifying. I spent the walk home trying to hide my conflicted emotions from Blair while she just smiled at me, a small glow lighting her up from within.
Niko’s an amazing kid. He’s curious, clever, responsible for his age, and knows how to listen. When he wants to, he’s quick to show off his temper, and if he learns to control it, it’ll be an asset as he gets older. He’s a reflection of the best parts of his father and so much of his mother.
If he’s guided by the right hands and learns how to be patient, he has the potential to go far in this life.
He was born with the expectation that he would follow in Daniil’s footsteps, but if he wants to do something else when the time comes, I’ll fight tooth and nail to make sure he gets the chance.
Especially if this supposed brotherhood doesn’t find a way to shape itself into something that deserves him .
I duck into the living room, continuing my search for Blair. She’s supposed to be going to some pottery class with Nadya soon, but I can’t find her anywhere. She’s not in our room, not in the yard, and not in the living room, either.
She wouldn’t leave without saying anything.
As a last resort I check Niko’s room, hoping that he knows where she is. Peeking in, I find her sitting on the floor next to his bed, holding a hand to his forehead. His face is simultaneously flushed and paler than I’ve ever seen him.
“Everything alright?”
She sighs as Niko buries his face in his pillow.
“He isn’t feeling well, and it feels like he has a fever.
” Her voice is soft. It doesn’t hide the way her shoulders are slumped in concern, but I can also see a little disappointment in her face, too.
She was looking forward to her pottery class with Nadya.
“I’m going to get you some medicine, then I’ll be right back, okay? ” she tells her son.
Niko makes a quiet sound that sounds like an okay, and I follow her out of the room.
“Can you watch him for a little bit? I have to call Nadya and cancel, but I’ll be right back.”
“I can stay with him,” I say before I can think it through.
Blair’s been excited about spending some time out of the house, and I can probably manage to watch a sick kid for a few hours.
There’s a frown on her brow while she considers it.
“Are you sure? He’s not going to be much fun,” she eventually says, eyeing me warily. I school my face so she can’t see how much that hurts. “He’s probably going to complain and fight you whenever you try to help him.”
Just like his mother.
“I can handle it. Say goodbye, then go and have some fun. We’ll still be here when you get back.”
Reluctantly, she nods, and I trail after her while she grabs a bottle of medicine.
“You’ll call if anything happens?” She digs through a drawer, producing a thermometer which she also thrusts in my direction.
“Of course, zolotse . But we’ll be fine.”
I feel like we’ve been making progress, but it isn’t as fast as I’d like it to be.
Blair’s like a stray cat. I can’t rush her. I go out of my way to make her feel safe, do everything I can to assure her that I’m here for her, but one wrong move and we’ll be right back at square one.
I don’t want to risk doing anything that’ll scare her off. Asking her to trust me with Niko is a big ask, but if we’re ever going to get to a point where she feels safe enough to love me the way I love her, it’s a hurdle that she’s going to have to overcome.
We’ll get to the finish line eventually.
I’ll wait for as long as I have to. And even though the words have been on the tip of my tongue for years, I’ll keep waiting until she’s ready.
She stays long enough to make sure I give Niko the right amount of medicine and gives me the number for his pediatrician, just in case, before she finally relents and leaves. I pretend not to notice the concerned way she eyes both of us when she does .
Only after she’s gone does the worry set in. What the hell was I thinking, volunteering to watch over Niko on my own? Blair clearly wasn’t comfortable with it, and I bet he won’t be, either. Especially not after the way he put up a fight while taking his medicine.
I take a deep breath, trying to disguise my worry. Kids are like sharks. He’ll smell my fear and take advantage of it.
I go back to his room, nearly choking on my worries. He’s quietly crying into his pillow, cutting to my core more effectively than anyone ever has before.
“You alright, buddy?” I ask, running a hand over his forehead. “Does something hurt?” He nods pathetically, turning his watery eyes to me. “Need-to-go-to-a-hospital hurt, or need-a-hug hurt?”
Instead of answering, he reaches out for me so I can scoop him into my arms, and I run a hand up and down his back.
“Does that help?”
He shakes his head, wiping snot on my shirt.
“Do you want to watch a movie?”
Hopefully a distraction will help him relax enough that he can fall asleep.
“Yeah.”
We sit side by side on the couch, watching a movie with cartoon dinosaurs until his tears finally dry. He yawns, resting his head on my arm, alternating between pushing a finger against the veins in the back of my hand and playing with my fingers.
Thank fuck he’s managed to calm down. I don’t know whether to thank the meds or the distraction, but if Blair came home and he was still crying, I don’t know how I would explain the situation without making it seem like I can’t handle this.
Niko means the world to her, and I need her to know that I’m capable of looking after him. Of looking after them both.
My phone pings in my pocket, and I check it, just in case it’s Blair. I scowl when I see another text from Maksim and shove it back into my pocket while I pull Niko closer, not bothering to read it.
I should have predicted that Maksim would start lashing out at everyone and anyone after Pavel died, but I honestly hadn’t considered him in my decision. Every day he greets me with mountains of shit to clean up, but that’s a problem I can deal with in a few hours.
The bodies can cool, blood can stain, and egos can stay bruised. They’ll still be there at the end of the night. I’m not going to abandon the little family I’ve claimed as my own just so he can maintain his rampage unimpeded.
After Blair’s home and I know that she and Niko will be alright, I’ll deal with his wrath. Until then, I don’t give a single shit about what he wants from me.
Only a half hour into the movie, Niko goes quiet. I glance at him, half expecting him to be asleep, but he’s fighting it. He’s still, staring straight ahead and blinking slowly. Nudging him, he looks at me, his flushed cheeks and tired eyes making him look miserable.
“Do you want to go to bed?”
He shakes his head and crawls halfway into my lap, using my thigh as a pillow while he makes himself comfortable .
Maybe it’s not as comfortable as he’d be in his bed, but this works too.
“What’s your favorite color?” he asks as I pull the throw blanket off the back of the couch and wrap it around his shivering form.
“Why? Who wants to know?”
He makes a face before turning back to the television. “Me. I like blue,” he offers.
“Blue’s good. I like green.”
“What’s your favorite dinosaur?”
“I don’t think I have one.”
“Mine’s a brontosaurus. They’re tall, like you.” I chuckle while he shifts around, making himself comfortable. “I want to be tall.”
“Give it time, kiddo. You’ll get there,” I say, adjusting the blanket around his shoulders. He pays me no attention as he watches the movie.
“Do you love my mama?” he asks as casually as anything, while I turn to stone.
“Why’re you asking that?”
“Because you’re married to Mama like Papa was. And Papa loved Mama, right?”
“Of course he did.”
“So you love Mama, too?”
Fuck. This is a conversation I wanted to have with Blair first, but Niko’s too clever for his own good. Without meaning to, he’s pinned me into a corner. I don’t want to lie to him, but I don’t want to confuse him, either .
“Yeah. I love her. Just don’t tell her that, alright? I want her to hear it from me.”
He nods, fiddling with the edge of the blanket.
“And you love me?”
“Of course I love you. You’re pretty hard not to love, you know?”
He nods with a yawn.
“That’s what Mama says.”
“Well, she knows what she’s talking about. You should probably listen to her.”
With that, he lets the conversation drop.
I wait for him to fall still, an exhausted mass wrapped in his PJ’s, before I lift him up and carry him to his room, still bundled in the blanket.
He’s shivering, but when I touch his forehead, he’s burning up.
If I’m lucky, he won’t remember what we talked about in the morning.
Niko stirs when I tuck him into his bed, clinging to me when I try to leave the room.
“Do you want me to stay?” I ask rather than pry myself loose.
“Yes, please.”
So, I sit next to his bed and hold his hand while he snores, wondering again how I managed to trick him and Blair into this. A year ago, she never would have trusted me enough to watch Niko, not even for a few hours, and especially not while he was sick.
She used to eye me warily every time I came over, which wasn’t uncommon since Daniil was an asshole. It always made me feel like an asshole, too, and I’d make excuses to keep my visits further and further apart as the years went by .
Now? I’m not quite sure how to process everything. I’m not sure how to navigate her allowing me to sleep in her bed, or the way she curls around my pillow when I wake up before her, or the way she studies me when she thinks I’m not looking.
Niko’s lashes flutter against his cheeks as he sleeps, lost in his fevered dreams. He’s accepted me into his life as easily as breathing, and I’ll never be able to tell him how much that means to me.
I stay exactly like that for hours, holding Niko’s hand until Blair cracks open his door, light from the hall filtering in around her silhouette.
“Hey,” she whispers, poking her head in. “You guys doing okay?”
“Yeah. He was fine.”
“Thank you,” she breathes, sounding relieved. “You have no idea how much I appreciate you helping out.” She leans down and kisses me, renewing my determination to make her fall in love with me.
“Any time, zolotse .”