Chapter 8 #2
But I couldn’t give Serra her way this time.
She was pressing me for a commitment I hadn’t given any thought to.
In truth, I knew that I loved being with Serra, that I was in love with her, but I had no clue how that was going to look in the next four months when we graduated.
I had no idea how a healthy and rewarding romantic relationship was supposed to look.
My mother had never had one, and I had no idea where my father was or if he had the same luck.
“I don’t know what you want, Serra,” I told her and that was partially true. I thought she’d wanted what I did: to continue enjoying each other without any rules or titles. Obviously, I was wrong.
“I want a man I’ll be able to depend on,” she said. “Someone I can build with, that I can trust. I want forever.”
“I’ve been your man for nine months,” I told her. “In that time there’s been nothing that you wanted for or needed that I didn’t provide. There were no moments that you had to doubt me or my dedication to you. I gave you everything I had, Serra.”
Her eyes were full of tears by then, her lips trembling as she spoke those last words, “If everything doesn’t last forever, then I don’t want it.”
We stood there, locked in silence for I don’t even know how long.
But those tears spilled down her cheeks and while my fingers tingled with the urge to wipe them away, to wrap my arms around her and hug her until whatever this was went away, I didn’t.
I knew what abandonment looked like. Had seen it time and time again on my mother’s face.
Had felt it every day of my life with the knowledge that my father had never wanted anything to do with me.
I didn’t like it and I swore it would never happen to me again.
“You made me leave you,” I said when my mind was once again focused on the here and now. On the woman standing barely eight feet away from me. “You started that argument with me, after we’d already agreed on what we wanted from our relationship, because your brother told you to?”
She looked different than she had back then and not just her hair.
Her face was a little fuller, her breasts and ass definitely rounder and softer.
Even her voice had seemed throatier. But her scent was the same, her pussy—praise all that was holy and just in this world—felt the same.
The grip on my heart she’d always possessed was the same.
“Yes.” Her voice cracked with the word. “I’m not proud of it but I’m also not going to deny it.
I’ve worked too hard to finally stand in my truth to deny my mistakes.
I believed he and my father would work to harm you and your future endeavors, so I gave them what they wanted.
I knew you wouldn’t commit to a long-term relationship, and I knew why. ”
Because I’d told her about my mother, about that awful day that set the trajectory for my adult life.
“I knew I wasn’t enough to make you change your mind.” She jutted her chin forward.
“Did you want me to change my mind?” I asked, narrowing my eyes at her. “What would you have done if I’d agreed to give you what you wanted? How would you have dealt with your meddling and controlling family then, Serra?”
She held my glare and opened her mouth to respond, but the loud knock on the door halted her words.
“Zip up your pants and get your ass out here, Noah! We’ve got unexpected company,” Jeret yelled through the door, irritation clear in his tone.
Standing, I sighed and cursed, hating the interruption as much as I hated all this shit Serra had just dumped in my lap. A part of me wanted to know what she was going to say in her defense but another part just didn’t care.
“Look,” I said. “It’s really busy tonight so I gotta get out there and help out.”
She pressed her hands to her cheeks and sucked in a breath. “Right. I know you’re busy. I just wanted to stop by since I didn’t make it last night.”
When I took a step toward her, she turned and made her way to the door. In that moment, I recalled Traneeka saying she saw Serra in a Mercedes crying. “Why did you stand me up last night?”
“It doesn’t matter,” she said, reaching for the doorknob. “I came tonight, said what needed to be said and now I’ll go.” She opened the door and all the sounds from the bar came flooding into the office.
I didn’t know if I’d said all I needed to say, but then again, I wasn’t sure there were any more words that could be said. “Thanks for coming back tonight,” I told her.
She tossed a quick look over her shoulder that made me want to scoop her up and carry her back to my place for the rest of the night. “Thanks for…ah—everything tonight,” she replied, then quickly walked away.
I stood there for a few more minutes just staring at the crowd she’d disappeared into because shit, I didn’t know what else to do. Until Kasey walked past holding a tray of drinks in one hand and sporting a scowl on her face.
“Jeret’s in the kitchen calling you everything but a child of God, and whoever came up with karaoke night needs to be gut-checked and strangled. This crowd is insane.”
The ire in her voice and the tired look on her face, both of which were contradictory to the normally upbeat and professional college student, pulled me back to reality. I left my thoughts about seeing and touching Serra again, in the office while I went to work.