CHAPTER 4
PLAYBOY
The shock of what just happened, everything Lara said, hits me in waves. That was the most she’s ever said to me at one time, the most I’ve ever allowed her to say at one time. I replay snippets of it back in my mind, but I’m having a hard time grabbing onto anything for longer than a second.
Part of me is still holding on tight to Lola’s version of events, of what she doled out to me over time. Every time she told me about her past, about growing up with Lara, it was like a confession she could no longer hold the weight of.
My stomach roils at the thought of nothing she said to me being true. All of it was a carefully curated lie wrapped up perfectly for my consumption.
Lara said she didn’t know why I became Lola’s mark. But I know why.
Because I was the easiest to fool. Because I’ve been looking for the silver lining in club whores since before I even realized my mommy issues ran so deeply.
Lola reminded me so much of my mother, of her delayed dreams and hopes, even though I never got to know her beyond the bits and pieces I’ve overheard throughout the years.
Sometimes things aren’t as they seem.
Lara’s words drift through my mind again. She was talking to Vanessa, sure, but she was talking to me too.
When did I forget such a simple lesson? When did I stop looking at both sides?
Probably about the time Lola figured out that my bias could be used against me, and she set her sights on me.
Lola isn’t my mother. I know that. But the similarities were too big for me to ignore, and I let them blind me. I allowed my blindness to make me lash out at the one person I thought deserved it.
Over and over again.
She was the one who least deserved it.
I run a hand over my face and force myself to look around the backyard. Rumble shoots me a look of disgust that I feel down to my toes before turning and mumbling the entire way back toward where drinks are set up.
There’s no doubt in my mind that he’ll have plenty to say to me later.
I glance over to where I was sitting before I decided to stand up, walk across the yard, and put my foot so firmly in my mouth that I’m gagging around my toes.
Whiskey has a scowl on his face and I’m sure he’s rethinking how far he digs into the past of the club whores and if he’s missed something with anyone else.
No one is happy about what just went down.
I can see it on everyone’s face. Snake and Sidewinder are glaring at me, and I swear Opal is about two seconds from knocking me the fuck out.
I wouldn’t blame her if she did. Diesel, who is usually thrilled when there is drama, even has judgement written all over his face.
Damn it.
My heart thuds in my chest when I look back to where Lara was standing just minutes ago. I’ve been a complete dick to her and I’m starting to realize just how wrong I was to treat her that way. She’s right about one thing—she did warn me. More than once.
I never heeded her words. I figured she was simply deflecting and playing her part. Now, I’m seeing it all differently.
And I’m pissed at myself.
Conversations start back up, but slowly this time. As people move around me, they give me a wide berth, as if I smell. Maybe I do.
The stench of wrongness. Of assholery. Of decay.
Because Lola spent so damn long rotting my mind and heart toward Lara. Now here I am, standing in the middle of a halo of lies.
Graycie hugs Vanessa a little tighter before releasing her slowly. The look she gives me would peel paint off a wall, but it’s not less than I deserve. Vera just lets out a long, belabored sigh, as if she knew it would one day come to this.
How did she know while I had no idea?
Why didn’t anyone stop me?
The other Old Ladies and Opal swarm around Vanessa and she soaks up their attention even though she keeps glancing in my direction. My stomach is in my throat as I take a step closer to her.
When her blue eyes, the same ones she shares with Lara and Lola, lock on me, my knees buckle slightly. She cocks her hip and her hand lands on it in a picture of pure attitude which has one side of my mouth twitching even though this isn’t the time.
“Are you going to ask if what my mom said is true?” She asks the question as if she already knows the answer.
The women around her still slightly. Vera leans closer, her voice going soft even as her eyes bore into mine with reproach, “I’ll happily take you inside, sweet pea, to wait for you mom. You don’t have to talk to him.”
Vanessa smiles at her. “Thank you, but it’s okay. I don’t have a problem talking to him.” She shrugs one of her shoulders, her tone flatter than it should be, “Lola loves manipulating people and she’s good at it.”
“I,” the word comes out scratchy from my dry throat, and I have to clear it and start again, “I’m sorry. I started it and your mom finished it like a boss, when I shouldn’t have made a scene at all.”
“No,” Vanessa nods like she expected my words, “you shouldn’t have. But you did. You’ve been making rude comments to Mom for a while now. She warned you,” it’s Vanessa talking, but it might as well be Lara with how similar they sound.
And she’s right.
I just never listened.
“She did,” I choke out the words. They feel like ash in my throat. “I’m sorry.”
Vanessa tilts her head slightly, her eyes assessing me the same way Lara’s did not long ago, measuring me and my worth and intentions. “Are you being nice to me because you want to impress Lola?”
Her question leaves me fucking speechless while Vera makes a sound like she’s choking on air. My eyebrows furrow and I barely get out, “What?”
I start to shake my head, but she just lets out a huff filled with annoyance. Vanessa goes on like she didn’t just turn my entire world upside down with a single question.
“I’m just going to let you know right now that if you think Lola will care about you being nice to me, then you’ve got it all wrong.
She means nothing to me just like I mean nothing to her,” there’s no sadness in her voice and somehow that hits harder than anything else.
“Lara is my mom; she always has been. Lola just happened to give birth to me, but I was always meant to find my mom.”
She says it with such conviction that my breath hitches. I don’t know what to say for far too long.
“It’s obvious how much she loves you,” the words come out strained, not because they aren’t true but because I’m feeling the weight of just how true they are now.
I can almost picture a scared Lara straightening her spine and deciding to take on a newborn.
She didn’t have to and she said her parents helped, but she didn’t leave Vanessa behind and leave to start her life like so many kids do after high school.
Instead, she became a mom to the baby who needed her.
If I hadn’t had my head up my ass for so long, I would have admired her for it far sooner.
But I’m starting to see everything clearly now. At least a little bit, which is a start.
I still have questions. Now is not the time to ask them.
Vanessa sits down at a picnic table and pats the seat next to her. I blink a few times, surprised at the way she’s indulging me when she doesn’t have to. When I glance around, pretty much everyone is watching us while pretending like they’re not. Badly.
Diesel is literally peeking out through his fingers while creeping closer. Vanessa glances over and giggles when she sees him. I take the opportunity afforded me and sit.
“It was really brave of you to tell your mom to share all of that,” I hedge, every word filled with hesitation like I’m reaching for something I’m not sure I can carry.
“I like this whole motorcycle club thing you have going on here,” her words are almost dismissive as she makes a motion with her hand to encompass the entire compound.
For a heartbeat nothing happens and then the laughter starts. Slowly at first, but then it gains. Vanessa just looks up at me with sparkling eyes, and I bark out a laugh.
After a moment she lets out a long sigh. “It wasn’t really bravery,” she admits, “I was just tired of seeing you embarrass yourself and have no clue you were even doing it.”
I lean back, putting my elbows on the table behind me. “I really did embarrass myself, huh?”
“So many times,” she says with disappointment and a small pout on her face. She studies me for a second. “What is your angle for even saying sorry? You weren’t sorry when you were being mean and believed Lola.”
I wince and have nothing to fucking say. Nothing.
“Well,” I reach for anything, “first, if I don’t start to put this right, even a little bit, my dad will kick my butt.”
For a moment I think I hear his rumbly chuckle, the sound filled with an ominous warning I’m more than willing to completely ignore. It’s for the best, without a doubt.
“That’s a valid fear, but I don’t really see what’s in it for me,” she counters.
“Are you trying to extort me?” My question comes out affronted.
“It’s possible. Whatcha’ got?” Vanessa bats her eyelashes at me, all sweet sugar.
“I’m just a tattoo artist. I don’t have much to offer a little girl,” I tell her honestly.
“I like coloring books; can you make me one that has me in it doing cool things?” She throws the words out there like they’re nothing.
Everything in me freezes. She’s giving me a way in. It also uses my skill in a meaningful way to start apologizing to Vanessa for being an ass by basically forcing her personal business to be consumed publicly. Her suggestion makes me wonder if there will ever be a way I could make it up to Lara.
Doubtful.
But maybe.
“I can absolutely do that,” my voice is filled with astonishment that she even came up with the idea.
“Cool.” She nods with a small smile on her face. After a moment, she tells me, “You don’t really need to.”
“Oh, you’ve given me a mission, little lady. I’m following through on it.” She nods and looks down. The words are hard, but I force them out. “I know I really messed up. I think I might even know why.”
“You do?” Vanessa looks surprised. Her little eyebrows pull together and she blurts out, “Don’t leave me in suspense. Spill.”