32. Jax
CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO
JAX
Inavigated the first week of away games as if I were on auto- pilot.
The whole situation with Kiley felt like déjà vu all over again from my relationship with Jenna, but instead of drowning myself in booze and mindless sex, I put my energy into hockey.
Because I was grumpy and snappy, I decided it was best if I didn’t socialize with the guys during our down time.
Instead, I went back to the hotel gym to work out, ordered room service and reviewed video on our opponents.
The only breaks I would take would be to talk with Chloe or go back to the gym to work out again.
We won two out of the four games before we headed back home for twenty-four hours.
During the one day at home, I saw Kiley briefly that morning.
She was saying goodbye to Chloe in the living room when I walked out of my bedroom.
It hurt to know she was trying to leave before I woke up, but I understood why.
I gave Zander a hug goodbye, and when Kiley wasn’t even going to acknowledge me, I called out after her before she reached the door.
“Have a safe trip to Boston,” I told her. “Please call me if you need anything.”
“Thanks, you have a great week as well,” she said, not even making eye contact with me and left.
God, I missed her like crazy. I craved our nightly talks, craved to hear her laugh, craved to hear her breathlessly say my name when I made her come.
I despised her respectful yet indifferent attitude toward me, but I brought this on myself.
I deserve this treatment, especially if it’s the only way she knows how to protect her heart.
Four hours after Kiley left, I got Chloe safely to the airport for her flight home. I’m grateful for the timing of this road trip because I won’t be able to drown in self-pity or loneliness like I would’ve if I was home alone.
The next day, the team left for our second week of away games.
Unfortunately, it has been an absolute shit show for all of us.
The team is banged up and exhausted, both mentally and physically.
We’ve lost the first three games, and tonight is our last one on the road for this trip.
The silver lining for me is that we’re in Kelowna, so Chloe and my whole family are coming to the game.
As we’re boarding the bus to go to the arena, I stare out the window, thinking about Kiley. She and Zander left this morning for Boston, and the thought of them becoming one big happy family with his dad hurts my heart. You’re a stupid asshole, I tell myself.
I continue wondering what they’re doing right now when I feel Harry’s shoulder bump mine as he sits down. I look over and find him glaring at me.
“What’s wrong?” I ask in concern.
“You tell me.”
“Nothing’s wrong,” I lie. “Just frustrated that we haven't won on this road trip. We need the points.” If the season ended today, we would be in the playoffs, but adding more points would just have us feeling more secure about it.
“I don’t buy it,” Bishop calls out. He was seated in front of us but is now standing up and facing me.
“Even when we’ve lost in the past, you would still talk and lead in the locker room.
You’ve been radio silent, and while I appreciate the dedication you’re putting toward the game, this isn’t like you. ”
“It’s Kiley, isn’t it?” Harry questions with narrowed eyes. “She called it off, didn’t she?”
“Wait, you were dating Kiley?” Nolan asks in confusion. He’s seated next to Bishop, and now he stands up and turns around as well. “Isn’t she your nanny?”
“She sure is, and they weren’t dating, just fucking according to this schmuck,” Harry answers for me, and I glare at him.
“That was stupid of you,” Daniil pipes up behind us. Great, now everyone who can hear this conversation is chiming in. “Never let your dick be your main brain.”
I look over my shoulder at him. “Yeah, no shit.” I turn back around and look between Harry and Bishop. “Can we not discuss my personal life right now?”
“I think this is the best time to discuss your personal life,” Linc adds from across our row. “We got nothing better to do, and this is team bonding.”
“Explain how this is team bonding? Sounds just like you ladies want to gossip at my expense.”
“It’s team bonding because you’re one of our brothers and we want to help you, even if our advice is terrible.” Some of the guy’s chuckle and agree.
“Joking aside, what happened?” Hutch asks, and the guys get silent.
I look around as they all give me an expectant look to start talking. “Long story short, feelings developed when it was only supposed to be a friends-with-benefits relationship.”
“For both of you?” Liam inquires.
“Yes, for both of us.”
“Isn’t that a good thing?” Saint questions.
“No, because I told I can’t offer her anything more than just sex.”
“Why not?”
“Because he’s chicken shit,” Harry interjects.
I scowl at him. “Will you stop answering for me!” I turn to look at Saint, who was not on the team when I went through my breakup with Jenna. “I’ve had two relationships that left deep scars. Not looking for a third to crash and burn.”
“Man, you need to let shit go,” Beau states. “You can’t let the past dictate every new potential relationship that comes your way. You could be missing out on the one.”
“Preach it, Beau,” Harry claps.
“Let’s just say she is the one; her whole life is in Chicago, and my life is where Chloe is. I don’t see how it’s going to work.”
“That’s just a bullshit excuse.” He looks down his nose at me. “Do you love her?”
I ponder for a moment whether to admit it out loud to these clowns, but they would see right through me if I lied. “Yes, I love her and her kid.”
“Then stop being a coward and tell her. Either she loves you back or she doesn’t. Regardless, you’ll know and can stop being so damn grumpy and reclusive.”
He makes it sound so simple, and I guess it should be if I wasn’t standing in my own way.
The game didn’t go the way we were hoping, and we lost to Kelowna, 4-3.
I scored the first goal, and I really thought we played better than the previous nights, but their offense was relentless.
With two minutes left in the third period, they managed to sneak one by Joey to win the game.
At least we gave the fans an entertaining game to watch.
After spending five minutes listening to the coaches tell us what we did wrong and what we did right, I quickly shower and get dressed so I can see my family before boarding the bus to the airport.
I say hello to some of the guys I know on the Lynxes, but I come to a stop when their general manager, Rhys Wilson, calls my name.
Rhys is the youngest general manager in the entire league and a damn good hockey player.
A family tragedy forced him to retire early and take the reins of his family’s business, which included owning the Kelowna Lynxes Hockey Team.
He runs the business with his brother, Chase, and his current claim to fame is being one of Canada’s most eligible bachelors.
A title his brother used to own a couple of years ago, but he is now engaged to be married.
“That was a sweet goal out there, Jax,” Rhys compliments while shaking my hand. “I also noticed how you calmed Kinner down after a dirty hit by one of my guys, which I’m sorry about by the way.”
I shrug. “Tell that to Kinner, but it’s all part of the game.”
“Exactly, but it’s that kind of leadership and intuition my team is lacking.”
I chuckle, flattered and impressed with his tenacity of getting me to consider signing with Kelowna. “Thanks Rhys, but I think you’ve already built a solid team this year and have some guys who fit that role.”
“I think we’re just missing the perfect piece. I hope when your contract is up in two years you might consider coming home where you belong. Until then, see you next time.” He pats my shoulder and walks away.
I look around, searching the player area for my family when I hear a cute little girl’s voice say, “Hi, Jax!” I turn around and am shocked speechless to find Jenna’s daughter, Avery, staring up at me.
“Avery?” I question, searching those beautiful blue eyes I remember from years ago. “I can’t believe how big you’ve gotten.” I grab her hands and squeeze. “How old are you now?”
“I just turned seven,” she giggles.
“Wow, seven. Time sure flies by.” Avery was four years old when I met her.
She’s gotten taller and is missing her two front teeth.
She’s an adorable child and will be a beautiful woman when she’s an adult.
“Where’s your cat ears?” I inquire before dropping her hands.
She used to always wear these cute cat ears since cats are her favorite animal.
“I stopped wearing those. They’re too babyish, and they started making my head hurt.” I chuckle because I fondly remember her never letting a day go by without those cat ears. She had them in every color to match every outfit.
If Avery is here, that means Jenna has to be close by. I look up from Avery and find Jenna standing a couple feet behind her, watching us. She slowly walks over with a hesitant smile.
“Hi Jax, it’s good to see you.” I watch her swallow, and she appears nervous. “I’m sorry if Avery got in your way of finding your family. She was so excited to see you that I couldn’t contain her.”
“No, it’s fine. I’m happy she said something.” My hand reaches out and automatically ruffles Avery’s hair. Instead of scowling at me like Chloe does, Avery shows off her toothless grin and laughs. “What are you guys even doing here?”
“We try to come to Kelowna twice a year. Once during ice wine season, and then again in the summer. Both for business purposes since Cal is a global ambassador for Wilson Ice Wines, but we always enjoy our visits. It’s really beautiful here.”
“Glad you think so. I’m kind of biased about it.” I give her a small smile, and I’m shocked at myself for even being able to do that.
“How are you? How is Chloe?” she asks.
I wait for the bitter resentment to creep in and overtake my whole personality when it pertains to Jenna, but after a couple of moments, I don’t feel any resentment at all.
I stare at her and realize I feel nothing anymore.
“I’m doing well. Chloe is great, thanks for asking. She’s here tonight with my family.”
“That’s really wonderful to hear.” She looks down at her fidgeting hands before bringing her gaze back to mine.
“I know you have to get going, and I don’t mean to bring up the past, but I’m dying to know something.
I sent you a bunch of emails and texts when everything went down between us. Did you ever read them?”
I take a deep breath and let it out with a sigh. “I did, and at the time, I wasn’t ready to respond to you. I was angry and hurt, but now that time has passed, I can understand things more clearly. I know you didn’t intentionally mean to hurt me.”
She places her hand over her heart, and tears form in her eyes. “You don’t know how happy I am to hear this. Hurting you was the last thing I ever wanted to do.”
The image of Kiley and the hurt look on her face when I refused to confess I had feelings for her come to mind.
“I can understand that, as I’m in a similar situation right now.
” She gives me a quizzical look, and I shake my head.
“I forgive you, Jenna, and it’s taken me a long time to get to this point, but I do. ”
As soon as the words are out of my mouth, I suddenly feel lighter, as if a weight or a curse has been lifted off my shoulders.
“I really appreciate you acknowledging that, Jax.” She steps forward, grabs my hand and squeezes. “I truly hope you find happiness with someone who loves you unconditionally. You deserve it.” She drops my hand and steps back.
“You’re right, I do,” I tell her and as another image of Kiley flashes through my mind, I realize I had that love and felt that happiness with Kiley.
And I want it back.
I look over her shoulder to see Cal coming up behind her. He wraps his arm around her waist in a possessive way and nods. “Jax. Nice goal tonight.”
I lift my chin at him. “Thanks, Cal.” I turn back to Jenna and Avery, who’s now holding her mom’s hand. “I’ve got to go meet my family, but it was good seeing you. Maybe I’ll see you around Chicago.”
We say our goodbyes, and as I walk away from them, I pull out my cell phone and dial Creed. He picks up after the second ring. “Creed, I need your help to secure a private plane for me to head to Boston tomorrow.”