13. Chapter 13
Seren
Cai crashed against my shoulder on the walk home, his little body slumped, drooling down my back without a doubt.
Everyone tried to offer me a ride, but seeing as though no one had car seats, walking was my best option. I insisted I’d be fine walking home, which I was, but by the time I got the door open, my arms were aching.
I carried him straight through, nudging the door shut behind me with my foot.
“Alright, buddy,” I said quietly, easing him down onto his toddler bed.
He barely stirred. Just flipped over onto his stomach, breathing slow and even.
I brushed his hair back, disturbing some of that sand I knew I’d be finding for days in his bed, but it would be worth it for memories like today.
Pressing a quick kiss to his forehead, I smelled the sea on his skin and pulled the blanket up over him.
I stayed there for a second, just making sure, just listening to him breathe and feeling so many things all at once.
Overwhelmed. Tired. Happy. Thankful. But most of all, bittersweet that he’ll never be this small again, and watching him today with my team was beyond my wildest dreams. God, one thing that no one tells you is that once you’re a mom, everything is sentimental.
I let out a quiet breath and forced myself to move before I ended up standing there all night, watching his chest rise and fall like that was enough to keep time from moving forward.
The door clicked softly as I pulled it closed behind me.
I should have probably showered, got the sand off, sorted the endless laundry pile that had taken up residence on my coffee table, but instead, I drifted into the kitchen, aimlessly perusing the fridge when my phone started incessantly buzzing.
I pulled it out from my back pocket and saw that I’d been added to a group chat.
Hot Girls Play Rugby
Teddy
Welcome to the chaos, Seren
Another buzz, then a photo dropped into the chat.
It was Cai in the sand, legs splayed out in front of him, gripping a rugby ball with the biggest grin, his whole face lit up in a way that made my heart glow.
Evie
Our new mascot
Seren
Future winger
Teddy
He’s got better handling than half of you already
Lola
Speak for yourself
Teddy
Had a great day with all you losers
Seren
It was a great day. Cai is passed out and I’m about to join him.
My stomach growled in need of a snack, when I remembered stashing a sweet treat in my pantry.
My phone buzzed again just as I took my first sugary bite of the donut.
I swiped without realizing it was a FaceTime request.
A face I hadn’t seen in months appeared.
“Hey, Seren,” Derek’s voice filtered through my phone, but didn’t register in my head for some reason. We always agreed on video calls when Cai was awake.
“Hey,” I managed, swallowing my food and wiping the stray sugar granules. “Did I miss a video call memo?”
“No,” he said. “I just…wanted to see you.”
There was an awkward pause because I’d already texted him today, showing him the pictures of Cai. What else did he need?
“Okay…” I placed the rest of the donut on the counter, wishing I could just devour it like I’d planned. “Cai’s asleep.” I defaulted to that straight away because that was usually the point of these calls, even if he’d said otherwise. “We had a beach day with the team, so he’s wiped.”
His eyes shifted a little, like he was picturing it. “I loved the pictures. Did he like it?”
“Loved it. Wouldn’t let go of a rugby ball the entire time. He thinks he’s on the team now.”
A small smile pulled at his mouth, reminding me how handsome he was. All-American kind of guy with a strong jawline and big brown eyes. The reason we hooked up in college, though it was always casual. Until Cai.
“You don’t usually call like this,” I pointed out, shifting my weight against the counter, my gaze dropping for a second before coming back to him.
“I’ve been thinking…When I come out, can I stay with you?”
Pushing off the counter, I abandoned the donut, pacing a couple of steps into the living room, my skin too tight, my entire body suddenly itchy. “With me?”
“Yeah, is that an issue?”
It was and it wasn’t. Nothing good could come of him being in my space, pretending that we were a functional family.
“I don’t know…Is that a good idea?”
“Come on, Seren, don’t shut me down.”
“I’m not shutting you down,” I said. “I’m just…I don’t know. It’s weird.”
“What’s weird about me wanting to see my kid? Or wanting to see you too.”
“I’m just not sure if it’ll work. We…” aren’t a family, was on the tip of my tongue, but I’d never say that out loud for fear of Cai ever hearing it; even in his slumber, I couldn’t risk that being absorbed.
The truth is, Cai was so loved by my parents, Derek, the team, my brother, that it would be too far-fetched to consider him lacking in that.
But I didn’t want to pretend that everything was one way with his dad, if it meant that the next day, he wasn’t there.
“We what?”
“We need to be realistic. I don’t want him getting the idea that we could be together.”
“He’s two.” Derek scoffed.
“And he’s smart,” I countered, feeling defensive.
“Well, yeah, look at his dad.” The phone wobbled slightly as he adjusted himself, which meant he didn’t notice my death stare, or the middle finger I wanted to hold up to him.
“Excuse you for being so bold,” I muttered.
He grinned a little at that, like he knew exactly what he was doing.
“Come on,” he said, softer now. “It’s not like I’m asking to move in. Just a few days. I’ll sleep on the couch and stay out of your way.”
That wasn’t the problem.
I dragged a hand down my face, exhaling slowly. “You’ve never been in my way, Derek. That’s not it.”
“Then what is it?”
I hesitated, my eyes flicking toward Cai’s room again.
“It blurs things,” I said with a sigh. “You being here. In my space. With him. With me. It makes it feel like something it’s not.”
“That doesn’t mean we couldn’t be.”
“Derek,” I said, slower this time, trying to keep my tone even. “We’ve done this before.”
“Have we?” he pushed. “Because from where I’m standing, we never really tried. We just…ended up here.”
My chest tightened. “We didn’t end up anywhere. We made a choice. Multiple times.”
“Yeah, because the timing was shit,” he shot back. “Because everything else got in the way. That doesn’t mean it wouldn’t be different now.”
It wouldn’t be different because he still loves his job. And he deserves to, just like I do. I shook my head, pacing again, my bare feet soft against the floor. “Or it means it would be exactly the same.”
“At least consider it.”
“I consider everything when it comes to Cai,” I said, annoyed. “That’s the point. I don’t get to just…try things and see how they go anymore. All decisions I make have him in mind.”
“And what about you?” he asked. “Do you ever think about what you want?”
I let out a small, breathy laugh that held no real humor.
“That hasn’t exactly been top of the list lately.
” Except that was a lie. Something inside me was stirring to life again, especially after today.
I was blooming, glowing, feeling happiness that I’d thought I lost a long time ago.
I’d resigned myself to being single until Cai didn’t need me as much.
And while my son made me unreasonably happy, today was a reminder that I’m taking something for the both of us to share.
That was empowering in ways I couldn’t explain, in ways Derek wouldn’t understand.
“Look, I can ask Nate if you can stay with him. Let’s keep things the way they have been, okay?”
He sighed, long and rough. “Okay.” The shift in his demeanor was palpable even through the phone. He’d shut down. “I’m booking my flight for next weekend.”
“Okay, will you be coming in Friday or Saturday?”
“Saturday,” he said, despondent now. “I gotta go. I’ll text to talk to Cai later this week.”
Then he hung up. I let out a slow breath, dragging a hand over my sand-covered hair.
My gaze snagged on the half-eaten donut, and I grabbed it and shoved it into my mouth, pieces falling onto the counter as I did, angrily chewing at the fact that there was always something unfinished sitting between us, something that never quite got resolved, just pushed aside and worked around for Cai.
But I wasn’t willing to risk my son’s happiness for his dad’s ego, even if there was a little voice in my head questioning whether it was what was best for him.
I swallowed my treat, then poured myself a glass of water and walked to the couch, when my phone buzzed again. I’d never been so damn popular in my life.
I’d expected a text from Derek with his flight information, but it wasn’t that.
Jake
You alive, or did carrying Cai home finish you off?
A small breath of laughter left me before I could stop it, my shoulders loosening at his message.
Seren
Barely survived. Touch and go for a while there
Jake
Thoughts and prayers
Seren
I carried a whole child???
Jake
Oh young one, wait until Coach gives us combined training again. You’ll be carrying grown men across the pitch.
Wait not men. Me. Only me. Because you know I’m your favorite person.
My stomach did that small, annoying flip that seemed to be permanent around him and the memory of him dragging his finger down the middle of my back, whispering into my ear…God, it tortured me.
Seren
Only you, huh? What if I wanted someone else on the team?
Jake
No chance. They all know you’re off limits
My throat thickened. Had he already told the guys I was a sure thing?
Seren
Because of you?
Jake
I wish. Your brother is far more vocal about the guys not touching you though
And by guys, I mean me
My mouth pressed into a line, a small frown pulling between my eyebrows before I could stop it. I shifted on the sofa, adjusting my leg under me, like I suddenly couldn’t get comfortable in my own space.
I stared at his message a second longer than necessary, my chest feeling just slightly…off. I thought Nate and I worked things out already?
Jake
We talked on the ride home though
Seren
Oh?
My heart jumped a little.
Jake
Yeah, he’s not going to endorse anything happening with us, but he’s also going to stop being an ass about it and let you do what you want. And me the same
That was big for my brother.
Seren
I thought we were just friend-dating, Jake?
Jake
We are
I wasn’t sure how I felt about that. Was he saying we really were just friends, even after that moment earlier?
The boundary felt thin and weak, because I wanted to kiss him and almost gave in to every single urge that was coursing through my body, but I’d stopped myself, knowing that I’d left Cai with his uncle without a second thought.
Even though I knew he’d be fine, the guilt almost choked me with that realization, a tiny lapse in judgement was all it could take when it came to my life changing.
Maybe I’d done the right thing after all, and we were just going to be friends.
I typed a response that became redundant with his next message. A message that made all the air catch in my throat.
Jake
For now.