39. Chapter 39
Jake
Being in a different state sucked. There was no way to dress it up, no “distance makes the heart grow fonder” crap. I was already pretty damn fond of Seren, and she had been on my mind since the moment I’d left her two days ago.
The whole team were holed up in a warehouse that smelled like turpentine, with people styling our hair, patting our faces with powder.
Ramirez ate the attention up, and I’m sure I saw Nate eyeing one of the makeup artists.
But none of that appealed to me. I’d stuck closer to Bobby and Connor and few of the other guys, who, ironically, were all married or in relationships.
Still, I had a job to do, and I loved being with the team. Maybe that was a tiny silver lining, after all.
“Okay, Jake, if you don’t mind standing on your mark, we can start your photos next.” A staff member in a headset ushered me forward. I stepped on the X on the floor, rolling my shoulders back, squinting at the lights.
“Try not to look like someone stole your lunch money,” Connor said behind the camera.
“I was going for intense, actually, flexing all my broody charm.”
I huffed out a breath as the photographer lifted the camera. “Eyes here,” he said.
I did as he asked, smiled and crossed my arms, but my thoughts were still three hundred miles away, replaying the way Seren had smiled on the phone last night.
“Good, great,” the photographer said, “whatever just made you smile, keep that line of thought. Now if you can turn a little for me.”
“I know exactly what he’s thinking.” Connor chuckled. My captain was full of sass today.
I smiled, waited for the flash, then Nate chose that moment to watch me, his hair freshly pulled back into a bun that was much neater than he usually did himself. His tattoos had been oiled too; I swear they did that on purpose.
“I, for one, don’t want to know what he’s thinking because it’s probably about my sister.”
I snorted. “I promise I won’t give you any details about how I—”
“Why do you insist on being a pain in my ass?” Nate interrupted. The guys all laughed, and I couldn’t help but join in a little. Riling Nate up would never get old, because he bit every time.
“And one more time, right at the camera, Jake.” I followed instructions, and then my turn was done for now, until group shots later.
Walking off set, I slapped Nate’s shoulder. “I’m just messing with you, dude.”
“I know,” he grumbled, but there was zero heat behind it. “We’re good.”
He stood in the same spot I was in, as I exhaled at his comment, knowing we were truly good.
***
Collapsing into my bed, I glanced at the time on my phone.
It was midnight and tonight had been long.
My shoulders ached from training, my social battery drained from all the lunches, dinners, and PR we’d been doing the last three days.
Nate and I were sharing a room, which also meant no sexy FaceTime calls with his sister.
I’d managed a quick sexting session the first night, but all it did was rile me up with no release.
But tonight, I was sure he’d end up in the bed of the waitress downstairs, wherever that was.
Kicking off my sneakers, I laid back on the pillows and pressed call to Seren, hoping she wouldn’t be mad at me for calling so late.
It rang long enough that I nearly talked myself out of it. Then her face filled the screen in dim light, her cheek pressed into her pillow, hair spilling around her. “Jake?” Her voice was like warm sugar.
“Hey, mama,” I said, grinning.
Her eyes were narrow slits. “Why are you awake?”
“Because I missed you.”
The sides of her mouth curved as she tilted her head into the pillow a little farther, giving me that smile I knew was just for me. “Are you alone?”
I nodded as she wriggled more, eyes lighting up as she turned on her bedside lamp.
A stupid amount of warmth spread through my chest looking at her. I’d spent half the night thinking about all the things I wanted to say to her, do with her, most of them X-rated, but seeing her soft and sleepy derailed everything.
“You look so cute,” I said.
She rushed her hand through her messy blonde strands, sitting upright. “I look asleep.”
“How’s Cai doing?”
“He’s good. Nailing the no diapers thing. Kid knows his own mind.”
Was it strange to be proud of him? He was a little legend. “I miss him, too. I can’t wait to see you both this weekend.” Tomorrow’s flight felt too far away.
“You’re home tomorrow, right?”
“Yeah, I was wondering if I could come over straight from the airport?”
She yawned, covering her mouth. “Sorry.” She swallowed. “I’d love to see you, but I think Derek asked if I could help him after training with moving a few things into his place.”
I must’ve been tired, because I swear she’d just said she was helping her baby daddy move. “He’s moving?”
“He’s moved a few blocks from Cai’s daycare, the opposite direction from the stadium.”
“Oh,” I said, because it was the only thing that made it out of my mouth, the rest of my thoughts bottlenecking somewhere in my mind. “I didn’t know he was moving.”
There was a soft noise her end, the rustle of Cai’s monitor I realized. “I’m sorry, I’ve gone about this all wrong. I was going to tell you.”
“Okay…” I let her carry on.
“I wasn’t hiding it. I just…didn’t think. It’s been a whirlwind with Cai, and training. And well, you, and I didn’t mean to dump more chaos on you while you were traveling, except that’s what I’ve done. I’m sorry.”
I let my head fall back against the pillows, eyes closing for a second as I tried to smooth out the strange, unexpected twist in my chest. I wasn’t sure what it was; jealousy didn’t seem to fit, but I was confused and hurt.
Just from that quiet sting of realizing there were still parts of her life that moved without me.
I could understand her not remembering; things were busy, but my throat was thick all the same. “Do I need to be worried about any of this?”
The question was multi-faceted, because I needed to know if there were feelings there. She’d told me no before, but now he was going to be in her life a lot more and that could change things.
“About him moving to Solterra? No, he’s doing it for Cai.” Her tone was calm, and that should’ve settled me, but I was aware of the way he looked at her that day at the stadium, I knew when a guy wanted someone.
“Yeah, okay.” I sighed, running my hand through my hair.
“Jake,” she said softly, and the way she said my name made something in me loosen, just a little.
I swallowed, the knot in my throat easing at the honesty in her voice. “Yeah, it’s all good. No worries.”
Except I had all the worries. And I didn’t know what to say in this scenario. I had no right to be mad; she wasn’t even officially my girlfriend. I also didn’t want to become an asshole, since that wasn’t me anyway, but I couldn’t deny that the fear of losing something was lingering in my head.
I tried to think logically as the silence stretched between us. So what, Derek was moving to be nearer them?
That didn’t change things.
Cai let out a cry that startled me back to the phone. She reached for it, pressing a button until it quietened a little. “I’m sorry, I’ll just be a second. Let me settle him. Can I call you back?”
“It’s all good,” I lied. “We can just talk tomorrow.”
“Are you sure? I’ll be done with Derek tomorrow around seven, if you still wanted to come over.”
“Yeah, I’ll let you know. Give Cai a kiss from me.”
She bit her lower lip as a shadow passed over her face. “Okay,” she said quietly. “Night, Jake.”
“Night.”
The call ended, and my heart hit the floor with a sound only I could hear.
My thumb hovered over her name, wanting to call her back, not knowing why I said I’d talk to her tomorrow.
My heart was a stupid, bruised little thing with bad timing and a long memory. Old questions I’d asked myself so often echoed in my mind.
What if she doesn’t want me the way I wanted her? What if her having Derek around showed her they could bring their family together?
The part that wanted to be happy was still alive in me, I could feel it. But this shadow of doubt worried I was always the weakest link.
I didn’t want to be that guy with Seren. I didn’t want to make her feel guilty about something she had every right to feel complicated about. Derek was Cai’s dad. If he was really trying to show up, then Seren and Cai deserved that support, not some insecure rugby player overthinking things.
If bringing Derek closer made Cai’s world bigger, and safer then I wanted that more than anything for him. I would never stand in the way of his happiness, even if it was the cost of my own.
I looked toward Nate’s empty bed, wishing my best friend was here. I wasn’t sure how I’d explain all of this to him, but I hoped he could’ve at least listened to me. He was trying to give me space though, because he knew I missed his sister. God, this was a web of tangled emotions.
I set my phone on the nightstand, then immediately picked it back up opening mine and Seren’s messages.
I typed, I’m sorry if I got weird. I just really like you and I want you to like me too.
Deleted it.
Typed, For the record, I want you more than ever. I think about you all the time and no ex is going to rattle me…
Nope. That didn’t work either, I was clearly rattled again. I locked the phone and dropped it beside me.
I’d try again tomorrow. We had a mid-morning flight, that would give me time to quiet this ugly voice in my head asking if I’d be left behind again.
Most of the night, I tossed and turned, Nate didn’t come back until around five in the morning. It was as I listened to his breathing even out that I realized the truth of it: I didn’t want to be the person she forgot to tell things to. I wanted to be the person she reached for first.
And wanting that…wanting her like that…was its own kind of terrifying.