Chapter 4
DORI
The echo of Jami flatlining rings in my ears.
He can’t die.
The medical team shouts orders one by one as each person has their task of keeping Jami alive. I squeeze my eyes shut at the new memory that will forever be burned in my brain.
Please let him make it through this.
I can’t lose him.
Mel stands and tries to get me to rise to my feet. “Dori, you’ve got to eat something. We’ve been here for hours, and Jonah’s in the cafeteria waiting for us.”
I resist her grip. “I can’t go anywhere until they tell me Jami’s okay.”
“He’s still in surgery. That’s the best you’re going to get for the time being. You have to take care of yourself. He’s going to need you to be strong once he wakes up.”
My gaze meets hers. “And if he wakes up and I’m nowhere to be found, he’ll think I don’t care.”
“He won’t. He knows how you feel about him.”
I blink and let her words sink in. How can he know how I feel about him when I’ve pushed him away and locked him out of my life? My heart plummets.
“Mel, right before he was shot, I told him I was staying with Hunter. Jami asked me to give him a chance, and I said no. That’s that last thing he’ll remember.” Tears prick at the corners of my eyes.
I shrink into myself. Jami’s been a part of my life since I was ten. I’ve lost my chance with him more times than I can count, but this…this is so much different. He might die, and the last thing I said to him was Hunter needed me more.
My world tips and goes gray. Guilt and hopelessness undulate throughout my soul.
I told Jami to go to Miami and fall in love with someone new. I thought it was the right thing to do, but now I don’t know.
Melanie lowers into the chair beside me. “No matter what you said to Jami, he knows how you feel. You’ve told me more than once you two share a connection that will always be there. You have to trust in that.”
I search her gaze. “Would you?”
“Yes.”
“Even knowing all that I’ve put him through? You said it yourself. I don’t deserve either of them. What if it’s playing out this way because I’ve been selfish and confused, tearing apart the hearts of two men who have done nothing but try to love me the only way they know how?”
Mel squeezes my hand. “That’s not why this happened.”
“How do you know?” Tears stream down my cheeks. “He wouldn’t have been in that park if it weren’t for me.”
“Don’t blame yourself, Dori. It won’t do anyone any good.”
Empty inside, I shake my head. “Go find Jonah and get yourself something to eat. I’m not hungry, so I’m staying here. ”
She pauses for a beat, then nods and leaves the waiting room. My mind swirls with thoughts of the past year.
I thought Jami and I had a chance, but I shut him out when my heart got slightly bruised. Then he started working at Efron Worldwide right after I got together with Hunter. That’s where our story becomes convoluted and distorted.
Since that time, I’ve done nothing but create chaos and drama for Hunter and Jami. Some woman is claiming Hunter got her pregnant while he was out one night, trying to forget about me. Jami got shot because he was trying to beg for another chance.
What good am I to either of these men?
I’ve made Hunter jump through hoops to show me how much he cares. He’s tried hard to win back my trust and get me to see him as a worthy man. On the other hand, Jami has hung in there with me despite hurting him repeatedly.
It’s time I stop the madness I’ve created and dive into my soul to connect to the love that’s meant to be. I close my eyes, and visions of Jami and me throughout the years flood my mind.
His soft smile and longing stares pin themselves to my visions. He always supported me and encouraged me to do anything I dreamed of. Even when it meant it would hurt him in some way.
A soft feminine voice whispers through my thoughts, Jami’s home for you. You love him unconditionally. Let him know.
“Excuse me. You’re Dori, right?” Lauren stands before me, stealing my attention.
“Yes. And you’re Lauren.”
“Yes. Do you want to take a walk with me? I’m going a little stir-crazy with all these weird thoughts circling in my head.” She glances at a sleeping Chuck. “I’d wake him, but he needs his rest.”
I’m curious about what she wants, so I sigh. “My thoughts are messing with me, so I have a feeling I know what you’re going through.”
“We could take a walk to the hospital’s church. Don’t they have candles we can light for the people we’re here for?”
I stand and shrug. “I don’t know, but it’s worth checking out.”
“Thanks.” She shoves her hands in her jacket pockets. “I’ve wanted to talk to you since I arrived, but your friends haven’t left your side.”
I follow her, still hugging Jami’s belongings to my chest. “Why have you wanted to speak to me?”
“I wanted to apologize for that night at Jamison’s apartment.” She turns down a hall and I follow.
“Oh. It’s okay. I’m sure it was shocking to have me there.”
“Seeing you there was bound to happen. I’m surprised it didn’t before then.”
“Why do you say that?” I glance her way.
“Before Jamison and I got together, he mentioned he had a female friend he had known since he was a kid who lived in town. He didn’t say it, but I knew he was hoping to reconnect with you just by his expression. We got together a little after that, so he never broached the subject again.”
I avoid that topic just in case she wants to hit me again. “How did you guys meet?”
“I was posting flyers for Chuck, advertising a room for rent. Jamison saw the ad and asked me about it. I took him to Chuck’s house so they could meet. He moved in not much later.”
“Jami told me about that, but I didn’t put the two together.” I shake my head. “I didn’t realize you knew Chuck before Jami.”
“Yeah, I lived in the room Jamison moved into. I moved out to live with friends.”
My brows pinch together. “So you’re close to Chuck. Is that why you spent Christmas with them? ”
“Sort of. They didn’t want me to be alone, so I went. I remember meeting Mel in the lobby when we got back to Jamison’s apartment.” Lauren half laughs. “I don’t think she likes me much.”
“It's not that. Jami just… Well, he didn’t tell us about you, so it came as a shock. Mel’s my best friend. If she was rude, it wasn’t because of you. It was because of me.”
Lauren stops at a fork in the hallway. She reads the sign on the wall pointing to the chapel and continues to meander that way as I follow.
Her gaze casts to the floor before her. “Jamison didn’t tell you about me?”
Ouch.
That was a thoughtless thing to say.
I shrink into myself. “I’m sorry, Lauren. That was a terrible thing to tell you.”
“No. It’s okay. Jamison and I have had a rough past. I don’t blame him for not bringing me up.”
“You’re more understanding than me. That kind of information would put me in a tailspin.”
“It would’ve done the same to me a month ago, but I’ve gotten help since then.”
“That sounds like a good thing.”
“It is. On top of that, Jamison and I came to an agreement on Christmas. We decided to let go of all the pain between us because, for a brief moment, we had a beautiful little boy.”
I picture their son, and my heart aches for them.
She wipes a tear from her face. “We decided to let our love for him be the focus. Nothing else matters in the end.”
My own miscarriages flit through my thoughts. I know how painful that kind of loss is.
Compassion fills my blood. “I’m sorry about your son. Nobody deserves to experience that kind of loss.”
“Thanks. ”
We stroll down the hallway in silence. I have a million questions I want to ask, but her comment hangs in the air.
Love is the only thing that matters in the end .
She pulls me from my thoughts. “I’m on medication now. That has helped a lot.”
“That’s good to hear.” I don’t know what else to say, so there’s a long pause.
“I don’t think Jamison would’ve dated me if I didn’t get pregnant. That’s why I always found myself hitting him.” She releases a regretful groan. “I can’t believe that’s how he’ll remember me.”
“The night I was there wasn’t the first time you hit him?” I think back on that night. He told her not to hit him anymore and threatened to call the cops.
“Hardly. I was mean to him.”
I peek over at her. “If you were mean to him, why did he stay?”
“I went after that man like my life depended on it. I wanted him the second I laid eyes on him, so once he settled in, I asked him out for dinner. Afterward, I invited him back to my place and got him drunk. He couldn’t drive, so he stayed the night.”
“Oh.”
She shoots me a mischievous grin. “Let’s just say I didn’t let the opportunity pass me by. I found out I was pregnant a few weeks later. The rest, they say, is history.”
I picture them having sex, and a searing pain burns through my chest. I shake away the visual.
“So you guys started dating right when he moved here?” I glance up to see the opening of the church.
“No. We didn’t start dating until after I told him I was pregnant. He was crazy enough to propose a couple of weeks later.”
“He did? Wow, that’s fast.”
Her expression grows wary. “We were both scared, and I didn’t want to be alone. But I did love him. I knew it from the first day I spent with him. He was everything I dreamed of in a man. He still is, but his heart’s never been with me.”
She motions for me to go into the church. I analyze her for a second. Her love for him still hangs in her eyes. She must have so much agony around their loss, and now this.
I reach over, moving Jami’s belongings to my side, and give her a hug. “Jami’s heart is huge. I’m sure you still have a piece of that. You always will.”
She hugs me and then releases me, holding back tears. She then goes into the room ahead of me.
We search for the candles, but there are none. I suspect it’s a fire hazard, so we sit in silence with each other and swim in our thoughts.
We swipe away tears that represent all that we’ve lost with Jami, and in a strange way, we bond over him. It’s probably the least selfish thing I’ve ever done. If he were here with us, he’d be beaming with pride.
I spend the following moments praying to God. “If you can hear me, please bring Jami back to me. If you do, I promise to do better for him and treat him like he deserves. I promise I’ll never let him feel alone ever again.”
I turn Jami’s fate over to the only entity that can help. At least, that’s my hope, but it might be too late.
Lauren and I return to the waiting room about twenty minutes later. Jonah scowls as he eyes her up and down.
He joins me by my side. “Are you okay?”
“I’m doing the best I can. Why?”
“I’m supposed to watch out for you.” He glances at Lauren .
She dips her head and retreats toward Chuck. He’s awake now and assessing Lauren and me.
Maybe they thought we would come to blows. I don’t know. Even Melanie is studying us and ready to step in if needed.
She strides over to Jonah and me. “Where have you been? We were looking everywhere.”
“We went to talk and light a candle for Jami.” I brush beside them and sit in a chair.
Jonah and Mel sit on either side of me. Jonah rests his elbows on his knees and keeps a suspicious eye on Lauren.
I lean forward and catch his gaze. “Jonah, why are you staring at her like you want to pull her hair out?”
His face bunches together in a scowl. “Hunter told me she hit you once. I don’t trust her.”
“That’s why we went for a walk. She wanted to apologize for her past behavior.” I hold Jami’s clothes tighter. “Even so, she wouldn’t hit me in the hospital.”
“You never know.” Melanie crosses her arms over her chest. “Why did you tell Chuck to let her know about Jami?”
“They share a son, Melanie. Why else?” My words come out sharper than I intend.
“I thought his kid was stillborn.” Jonah pushes back in his chair. “Am I missing something?”
“Seriously, Jonah?” A ripple of distaste rolls through me. “I can’t do this right now.”
I get up and leave the room. My thoughts need to be with Jami, not with Jonah’s disconnect. Every one of us has a troubled past. If we sit and go through all the details, we’ll be here for years to come.
None of that matters. Only Jami’s health matters. Only the love we have for him matters. That’s all he’d want from us, anyway.
I pace outside the operating room corridor. Different nurses and staff come in and out with tense expressions, but nobody will tell me how Jami is.
Memories of us growing up together flood my mind. I’ve loved that man since the first time he kissed me, even if I disguised it as a dare.
He mostly ignored me and my attempts to flirt until I was fourteen. But when I started developing breasts and hips, I’d catch him sneaking peeks. He told me at the sushi restaurant that he had loved me for sixteen years.
Why didn’t he tell me back then?
How did I never know?
I guess I did on some level, but I always talked myself out of it, thinking I was making up his feelings in my head. It was easier to believe that.
At least, it was the only thing that made sense. My parents never modeled a healthy relationship, so I had nothing to go on. All I knew was that sometimes Jami seemed into me, and other times, he was distant.
My parents were hot and cold like that with one another, and I wanted nothing that resembled their relationship. But Jami was different from them. He was always kind to me, even when he was keeping me at arm’s length.
“All that wasted time,” I mutter.
“Code blue. Code blue. Operating room five.” It’s called out over the intercom. My heart stops the second it fills my ears.
I rush to find a nurse. “That was for Jamison Stone. What’s happening to him?”
“I’m afraid I can’t disclose that information.” She gives me an apologetic smile.
“Please tell me what’s going on with him. I’m all he has.”
She places her hand on my arm. “Try to remain calm. The team is doing the best they can.”
My gaze, wild with panic, connects to hers. “Tell me what is going on. Is he dying? Please, you need to let him know I’m here and will never leave him. He needs to know so he’ll fight. Please go tell him.”
She nods and rushes through the doors. I stare at them, willing her to come back to me and tell me he’s okay.
She’s gone for what seems like an eternity. The air stills into an eerie, thick fog. Every minute that passes, I feel Jami slipping away.
“Are you Dori?” a deep male voice asks from behind me.
I spin to find a doctor standing before me. “Yes. What happened to Jami?”