38
Sasha
I’ve always loved my birthday. Some people hate them because it means they're getting older, but I’ve never understood that. You get one day a year that’s all about you? What’s not to like?
I’m at work now, but Olivia is taking me out to dinner later to celebrate, and then tomorrow, I’m flying to New York to spend Christmas with my parents and Liam. And I know what you’re thinking… Sasha flying? But it’s true!
I have added facing my fears to my ‘healing’ list and right at the top is getting on a plane. Sure, I may have to pop a few Xanax before take off, but at least I can say I’ve done it!
“Stella!” Larry’s barks from inside his office. There’s no one on this floor named Stella so I assume he wants me.
I squeeze my eyes shut for a second before plastering on the fakest smile known to mankind and stepping inside his office.
“Don’t you knock?” He snaps at me without looking up.
My eyes roll before I can stop them. Thankfully, he’s too busy glaring daggers at his computer screen to notice.
I want to strangle him and see the life drain from his boring, beady grey eyes.
“Sorry, sir.” I move to stand in front of the desk, not daring to take a seat without his permission. God forbid.
“Big meeting tomorrow. I expect you here early and I expect you to have all the coffee orders and paperwork right this time.” He doesn’t even spare me a glance but he has a look of disgust on his face. I’m internally making the same face at him.
I clear my throat. “I’m sorry, sir, but I have booked tomorrow and Friday off.”
His head whips around so fast I’m surprised he hasn’t hurt his neck from the force. “Excuse me? Who cleared this?” My hands tremble around the small stack of papers that I’m holding. This guy is terrifying.
“You did, sir.” My voice is quiet as I speak to him, not wanting to make him more angry by ‘shouting’. That's what he calls it when I speak in my normal volume.
“No, I wouldn’t have done that.” I grind my molars so hard that my jaw aches. He cannot be serious. I had asked him just last week and he said, and I quote, “That’s fine. You’re useless here anyway.”
“I’m sorry, but I’m visiting my-”
“I don't give a shit about what you’re doing.” He bellows, interrupting me. “Just be here by 8am and stop giving me trouble. You’re on thin ice, Sydney.”
I turn to leave, my anger reaching levels I didn’t know it could.
My heart pounds hard against my rib cage.
But then I stop. What am I doing? I’m not gaining anything by working here anymore, other than a headache.
No, you know what? I’m not doing this anymore.
I am so sick of being around these misogynistic, sleazy, arrogant assholes! I am done.
I spin on my heel, facing the man who has made my life hell for the past few years. “No.” My voice is strong and firm, no trace of the quiet woman from two minutes ago.
He looks up at me, shock flashing across his face before it’s replaced by the usual annoyance. “No?”
“No. I won’t be in tomorrow.” I steel my spine, the confidence that’s swirling through me finally taking a stand. “I have worked my ass off here, doing everything that has been asked of me and you,” I emphasize by pointing my manicured nail at him, “have been an absolute ballache to work for.”
Holy shit, this feels good. Better than good. I feel powerful. Larry goes to speak again, but I cut him off. “I am not done.” His face turns a hilarious shade of red.
“I have been humiliated and degraded more times than I can count by you and your sleazy friends and I am so sick of having to listen to a bunch of old men talking about their gross, shriveled up dicks and dry as fuck sex lives.”
The adrenaline pumping through my veins is setting me on fire and I feel like I’m high. Gone is the shy, timid girl who bends over when asked. She has been replaced by a fierce woman who will no longer take any shit.
“I’m not letting you or anyone walk all over me anymore.” I say, holding Larry’s enraged stare. “I quit.”
I turn, marching to the door with my head held high.
“You can’t quit, because you’re fired!” Larry roars at my back but I just laugh, a full belly laugh that shakes my entire body. This man is unbelievable. He just needs to save what little pride he has left and shut the fuck up.
Stepping into the still open doorway, I turn my head to him. “And my fucking name is Sasha!”
The look on his face when I leave is priceless. Fuck, I wish I had taken a photo to look at when I need a reminder that I’m a bad ass. Olivia is never gonna believe this!
Conor would be so proud of me right now. I just wish I could call him and tell him. I wish he was here to see it. I can just imagine his smug grin and the pride shining through those deep blue ocean eyes.
My smile falters and I allow myself a moment to grieve what could have been. Just one moment and then I’m plastering that smile back on my face, gathering what few things I have sitting at my desk, slipping them into my bag and then getting the hell out of here.
And, I get to check another item off my healing list. Check!
Knocking on the red door in front of me, I wait with a large bottle of champagne clutched in my hands.
There’s a commotion on the other side. Olivia is whisper-shouting at whoever is in the room with her.
“It’s Sasha! Get the stuff!” I laugh and playfully roll my eyes at how ridiculous she’s being. “Oh my fuck! Hurry up!”
The door swings open a second later, Josh and Olivia standing in the doorway wearing party hats and holding balloons. “Happy birthday!” Olivia sing-songs, dragging me into a tight hug.
“You guys!” I squeal when she lets go and I embrace Josh next.
“Happy birthday, Sash.” He says when he releases me, patting my head like I’m a fucking dog.
I smile up at him sweetly. “Thanks, Spudnik.” His left eye twitches as he scowls and Olivia cackles with laughter.
“I take it back. I hope you have a really shitty day.” He storms off as Olivia and I burst into a fit of giggles. He will never live that one down.
We settle onto the couch beside each other. “What are you doing here so early? I thought you were working today.”
“I quit.”
“You did?” Olivia squeals, jumping on top of me. “Finally! What happened?”
I tell her everything. Every word. Every glorious second. By the time I finish, Olivia is practically vibrating.
“I am so proud of you, girl.” She squeezes me tight and it’s the best feeling in the world.
“I have no idea how I’m gonna pay my rent in a few months, “I admit, laughing into the hug, “but I don’t even care.” I sigh happily when Liv lets me go. “I feel so free. Plus, now I have all the time in the world to write.”
“Oh!” Olivia gasps. “Speaking of writing…” I sit upright, giving her my full, undivided attention. “I was talking to Charlie earlier. One of her friends is an editor. She said she’d happily take a look at your manuscript once it’s finished.”
“Are you serious?”
“Yeah. And she works with a few publishing agencies, so she could try and-”
“YES!” I squeal, tackling her down onto the couch. “Oh my God, yes!”
“What’s going on out here?” Josh asks, walking down the hall with Isabella in his arms.
“She said yes!” Olivia swoons as I get up from the couch and practically sprint towards them.
“There’s my beautiful girl!” I coo, taking Bella from his arms. “You are getting so big.”
“She takes after her daddy.” Liv says, kissing her baby girl on the cheek. “And she’s awake just in time to give auntie Sash her birthday present.”
“Liv, you bought me that dress for my birthday, remember?”
“That was from me. This one is all Bella.” She hands me a box with beautiful pink wrapping paper.
Isabella is sitting on my knee as I carefully tear open the gift, pulling out a white box. Bella’s chubby hands grab for it, but she misses and then starts screaming in my ear, the high-pitched sound piercing my brain. “Wow, girl. Calm yourself.”
“She has the worst temper sometimes.” Olivia shakes her head, sighing heavily.
“She gets it from her momma.” Liv looks offended while Josh starts snickering beside her. She swings around, hitting him over the head with a couch cushion.
Bella bursts into a fit of giggles as she watches her parents act like kids in the playground with a crush.
Ignoring their flirtatious bickering, I open the box, finding a brown wooden one inside.
Pulling it out, my eyes instantly well with tears.
“Isabella! I love it!” I kiss Bella on the cheek and she peers up at me with a gummy smile.
What I would give to hear a baby laugh every day of the week.
It’s like a happy drug and one that I could easily get addicted to.
I flick through the photos on the photo block using the little hand crank on the side.
It’s filled with photos of Isabella and me since she was born.
There’s one of her sleeping on my chest when she was only a week old.
There’s one of her smiling up at me. There’s one of her covered in spaghetti sauce, dirty hands pressed to my cheeks.
Engraved at the top of the wooden box says: Auntie Sash and Me.
“I love it, Liv.” My voice cracks. “Thank you.” I quickly wipe away the tears, smiling at my best friend. It’s the little things like this that I appreciate more than anything. It’s strange how something so simple can make you feel so much.
“I have one more thing for you.” I look at Olivia with narrowed eyes. She’s done too much for me already. She disappears down the hallway before returning with a badly wrapped box. “Conor dropped it off this morning.”
The second she says his name, everything inside me stills.
I haven’t seen him or heard from him for over a week, since that night at the bar.
But still, he’s all I can think about, all I can dream about, and it’s taking everything inside of me to not reach out to him.
I just wish he would understand why. I wish he would have let me explain.
But even after everything, he still got me a gift.
Olivia takes Bella from me so I can open the gift.
I chuckle at how much tape he used to seal this thing.
I might need garden sheers to get into this thing.
I find a tiny section of the paper that has no tape and use that as my starting point.
“Jesus Christ.” Using all of my strength to rip the paper open, it finally gives.
By the time I finally get the rest of the wrapping off, I’m so out of breath, practically heaving as I try to get my breathing back to normal. “I was not expecting a workout today.”
“I’m surprised he wrapped it at all.” Josh says, “He normally just hands you the gift in a plastic bag.”
I can’t stop the laugh that escapes me. That sounds exactly like something he’d do.
A plain white box rests on my lap. My hands tremble as I lift the lid and when I see what’s inside, all the air leaves my lungs. “Oh…” Tears blur my vision and my heart is pounding in my chest. “I can’t believe he did this.”
“He wanted to get you something special.” I glance up at Liv with tears streaming down my cheeks. “Why are you crying?” She asks, setting Bella on the floor and coming over to hug me.
“I miss him.” I cry into her chest. “I miss him so fucking much, Liv.” My body wracks with silent sobs. I haven't let myself feel the weight of missing him until now. My heart physically hurts not being with him and each second without him is slowly killing me.
“Why don’t you just give him a call?”
“I can’t. Not yet. I’m not ready.”
She pulls back just enough to look at me. “I know you haven’t fully healed from Max yet, but that doesn’t mean you should put your happiness on hold until that day comes. Conor would understand.”
“What if that day never comes and I can never fully commit myself to him? I can’t do that to him, Liv.”
She sighs deeply, understanding where I’m coming from, but not fully agreeing with it. “Then why don’t you tell him that?”
“Because I don’t want him waiting on me forever.” I sit up, drying my damp cheeks, but the tears still fall. “I want him to be happy and live his life. He can’t do that when he’s waiting for me to be ready to accept him.”
Olivia’s baby blue eyes meet mine as she squeezes my hand. “Sometimes falling in love isn’t about trusting the person not to hurt you. It’s about trusting them enough to catch you when you fall.”