Chapter 26
Sitting at my desk, I’m writing a vague report about the chapel when I hear the conversation happening next to me. It’s been a little over a month since everything went down, but I’ve been dragging my feet on the report until my lieutenant called me out on it.
“We got it!” someone shouts as they walk into the bullpen.
There’re some cheers, but I know what Shepard is talking about.
I’ve been off the clock for the last hour, but I can’t bring myself to go home because if I do, all I’ll be able to think about is the same thing that’s been plaguing my mind every second I’m alone: a life with her that was in my grasp but I can’t have.
“Why you still here?” Collins asks me as he flops down in the chair.
“Don’t want to be home.”
He glances over my shoulder and notices the report I’m working on.
“Ah, I see.”
“It’s more than that.” I shake my head, still not looking away from the computer.
“What is it? You’ve been weird since you responded to that call the other day.”
“What’s next?” Someone calls out to Shepard, thankful for someone breaking our conversation.
“We’re reviewing the footage we got, and then we have to get the warrant. You guys know it has to be airtight. We have to make sure it sticks. He can’t slip out of it this time. He killed Sherman, and we’re gonna make sure he pays for it.” They’ve now gained my full attention.
“You gonna go warn him?”
“No.” I debate confiding in him what’s going on, what she told me, but decide against it before moving out of the station.
Pulling up outside the clubhouse, I sigh, not wanting to go inside, having to compartmentalize what happened at the hospital.
Walking through the front door, I see a blur of people moving around.
I say nothing at first, as a few people notice me, all giving me questioning looks.
“Where’s Z?” I finally call to a prospect as I see him in the lounge.
“In a meeting.”
“Well, go get him.”
“No.”
“Goddamnit,” I snap, looking back up at him. “I don’t have time for this shit. Where the hell is he? Having church?” I shout back as I toss my phone at him and move down the hallway.
“You can’t go in!” he’s shouting, moving behind me.
Banging on the door, I wait. The prospect is nearly shitting himself as he looks at me and hears shuffling on the other side.
“Zane, open the damn door!” I shout this time as I rap on it.
The door flings open as Zeke glares at me. “The fucking nerve —”
“Shut the fuck up.” I push past him. I’m aware of the number of guns pointed at me as I enter the room. “Chill out.” Not calming them, but not giving a shit either. “He’s got my phone. My gun’s in the bike. This can’t wait.”
“What is it?” Z looks at me, intrigued.
“They’ve got something.”
“What?”
“I don’t know what it is. It’s being processed now. They’re requesting approval for surveillance. And getting a warrant for more intrusive surveillance.”
“Why?”
“They found something linking you to Darren’s murder.”
“What?”
“I don’t know yet. I came here as soon as I found out to give you a heads-up. They’re going to tail you, wiretapping, whatever else they want.”
“When?”
“I don’t know. They submitted the request as I was leaving. It’s probably getting approved now.”
“They’re gonna see you leave?” he asks me.
“Maybe.” I pause. “I rode the bike over. None of them know I have it, so they won’t recognize me when I do.”
“I’ll give you a ride out.”
I just send him a questioning look.
He nods. “We’ll take the van.” He pauses, looking at the prospect still in the doorway. “Roll his bike into the van.”
Sitting in the van, he’s looking forward, as I have the hat pulled low on my head.
“Don’t worry, they can’t see inside.” He nods as we pull out onto the road from the compound, and the undercover car sits on the side of the road.
“I don’t give a shit.” I mumble under my breath.
“What?”
“Nothing.” Shaking my head, I wonder how my life would have turned out if I hadn’t agreed to this shit.
“You okay?” he asks, and the sincerity in his voice takes me by surprise.
“Huh?” Looking over then sighing. “Honestly, no, not even fucking close.”
“You gonna get fired for this?”
“Maybe.” I shrug. “Maybe more than that. Who cares?”
I can feel the vibe in the van shift. He’s uncomfortable and doesn’t know what to say.
Pulling into the bay at Pistons, he nods towards the hallway where the office and basement sit. Following him down into the basement. We don’t stop in the main room, but walk back into the storage area.
It’s a storage area, but we always knew that it was where people were handled. I mean, why else would they need a drain in the floor?. I know it’s where they brought the guy who drugged Drew.
“Why do I feel like you’re about to do something stupid?”
“Because maybe I am.” I laugh, shaking my head. “Maybe my life’s just been a series of stupid fucking decisions.”
“Ya know what I don’t quite get?” he asks me, turning and stepping towards the wall. The look on his face telling me he’s just now realizing something.
“What?”
Great, now this shit’s going to come out.
“Why is it you’ve known about all of this…” he motions around where we sit, “the basement, the tunnels, the panic room, Purgatory, you know all of it?”
“What’s your point?”
“Why don’t they know about it?” Turning, he looks at me suspiciously. Just like when Drew asked. “Why haven’t you told them?”
“How do you know I haven’t?”
“You guys have never searched it. Everything else they’ve torn apart more than once, but not the hidden spots; they’ve all remained untouched.”
“Believe it or not, I’ve always felt loyalty to your family. Like I said, I’m not the enemy you guys think I am.”
He pauses, just looking at me. “I’ve never thought you were. I don’t do favors for enemies. Confused about why you chose this life, absolutely, but…” Sitting down in the chair, he nods across to an empty chair on the other side of the room. “Now talk.”
“About what?” I ask him as I take a seat.
“What’s wrong?”
“What?”
“Come on, man, I know you better than that. Last time we talked, you were happy. You’re going through something. You don’t seem to care about losing your job, and with the way you just barreled into the chapel, your life. So what’s going on?”
“It’s complicated.” Is all I can say because how does one eloquently say, ‘I was fucking your sister and accidentally fell in love with her?’
“The complication that you killed over?”
“Yeah, that one.” I nod my head, trying to maintain my anger. “I found out a couple of weeks ago that after we broke up, she found out she was pregnant.”
“She didn’t tell you?”
“She lost it almost as soon as she found out. Didn’t think it was worth trudging shit up over.”
“How’d you find out?”
“Her friend slipped up when she was yelling at me and said something.”
He sits looking at me for a moment and shakes his head. I realize how fucked up it is that I’m talking to him about knocking up his sister, and he has no clue.
“Are you relieved or upset?”
“I don’t know.” I shake my head. “It’s her… it’s her.” I stress this time. Looking up at the ceiling and running my hands over my face. “Anyone else, it’s never even been a subconscious thought, never let the possibility of it happen.”
“I get that.” He nods. I watch his face turn and can tell he’s contemplating saying something else. “Let me give you a little piece of advice…”
Suddenly, it’s like we’ve gone back in time and things never changed. I just nod telling him okay.
“Don’t spend too much time overthinking it.”
“What?”
“She makes you reconsider everything you thought you wanted?”
“Yeah. Never thought I wanted those things, but knowing now that it was right there… with her. I don’t know.”
“Tell her.”
“What?”
“I wish I’d let Tatum in sooner. When you told me she was getting married, I lost my shit. Don’t make the same mistake I did.”
“Well, she’s not really speaking to me right now.”
“She still feels the same way?”
Shrugging, I can’t help the slight smirk that spread on my face. “Based on what I can remember last time we drunkenly hooked up, I think so.”
“Then make her listen.”
“What?”
“Show her.”
Sitting back against the chair, I stare out at him.
He laughs, shaking his head. “Wait, you guys hooked up and you both still feel the same, but didn’t get back together?”
“Nope.”
He just stares at me, questioning.
“Ugh,” groaning out, knowing that with every word I say, I toe closer to him figuring it out, but my mouth continues before I can stop myself.
“We were at the same party. She followed me into a room. I’m not even sure how it happened, but I corrected her, telling her I can’t have her, which differs from not wanting her. ”
“Why can’t you?”
I’m assuming I give him a questioning look as he nods his head.
“Have her? Why can’t you?”
“It’s compl —”
“Yeah, I got that, but how is it complicated?”
I guess he wouldn’t remember all of this from when he showed up at my house. “I’m actually not surprised you don’t remember.” I laugh to myself, but can see the confused look he gives me. “When you showed up at my house drunk; she was there.”
“Wait, I met her?”
“She was already in bed.” I laugh again. “But overprotective brother who has issues with me.”
He laughs loudly as he looks at me. “You arrested him?”
I pause, contemplating when too much is and how he hasn’t already put all of this together. “Something like that.” Is all I can think to say.
“And let me guess, he doesn’t know about it at all?”
“Nope,” I shake my head.
He laughs harder as he looks at me. “You get off playing with death?”
His question makes me laugh along with him. “That’s actually almost exactly what you said last time.”
“I’m going to head back. Hang out here for a bit. Figure out your life, and take off when you’re ready.” He says standing and walking up the stairs.
“You trust me here alone?”
“You’ve known about this place almost as long as I have.” I can hear the humor in his voice.
Thinking to myself as I sit in the silence, thinking over the conversation. Wondering if I’ve given Z too much already and when the pieces are going to fall together for him.
Or maybe he just isn’t thinking enough about it.
Or maybe he just thinks Drew and I hate each other so much it could never be a possibility.
I know how to show it to her; I have to tell her first. Before anyone else. And then I have to come clean about everything to Z.
The irony is I also have to set the same up for Z if I ever want my life back. I need to show him I’m still the person he thinks I am, regardless of how pissed he’s gonna be.