Chapter Twelve
~Willa~
Willa paced the living room, stealing the occasional glance out of the large window that faced the street, her heart kicking into high gear the moment she saw Beckett’s car pull up to the house. After a long, intense discussion with Lottie about her love life that morning, Willa came to the same conclusion she had reached hours before all on her own, she had messed up big time in regards to how she had left things with a certain gorgeous firefighter earlier that morning.
Over cups of strong coffee and heaping bowls of Froot Loops, Willa and Lottie dissected every moment of her date the night before. She left some of the racier details out, keeping those just for herself, but other than that, she told her best friend everything. Willa spoke about how Beckett made her feel safe in a way she hadn’t thought possible again, had her feeling more in one simple evening than she ever had in months with anyone else, and how it had freaked her the hell out to the point where she bolted from his bed faster than her feet could carry her.
After she finished listening to Willa tell her tale, Lottie came to one resounding conclusion. “I get that being with creepy Jeff probably fucked you up in ways that I am sure you are only just discovering,” Lottie said matter-of-factly.
Hearing her love life described so harshly yet accurately had Willa’s cereal souring in her stomach. Pushing her bowl away, Willa stared back at her friend. “That’s bleak,” she muttered.
Lottie silenced her with a raised hand and continued her armchair analysis. “That being said, don’t let what that asshole did to you steal your joy. Did you like being with Beckett?” Willa’s mouth involuntarily twitched at the corners. Lottie snorted. “Then be with him, Will. No one said that one night in bed equates to promising your hand in marriage to the man. Just keep seeing him and feel things out. Maybe you guys have amazing chemistry and that’s what’s got you so twisted up, or maybe you’ll connect on a deeper level and end up having something really great. Either way, you won’t know if you don’t try.”
Willa hadn’t told her friend that she already knew she could have something great with Beckett, but she had the feeling Lottie could guess that from the wistful look that had been plastered on her face. Even so, Lottie was right about her pulling away before even really giving things with Beckett a shot, but how could Willa wade into relationship waters again when she was so frightened that she would drown? It seemed impossible.
No matter how Willa decided to proceed with the man, there was one thing she knew she had to do, and that was apologize. After agonizing over what to say and how to say it, she finally put together a message, feeling the fifty-pound weight that had sat on her chest all morning starting to dissipate the second she clicked send. Things got even better when she saw the immediate reply from Beckett. As Willa watched him hop out of his car, she felt almost back to normal.
Her eyes followed him as he sauntered up to the front door, his jeans molding to his thick legs and the strength of the cotton of his t-shirt being tested as it stretched across his broad chest. Beckett looked so good it was almost criminal, but when Willa clocked his hands stuffed tightly into his pockets, the rise of his shoulders, and his uneasy expression, her heart sank at the thought that she contributed to the nervousness in his gait.
Beckett seemed to hesitate on the stoop, his hands raking through his sandy hair multiple times before he finally seemed to get up the nerve to ring the doorbell. Willa should feel better knowing she wasn’t the only one feeling a little anxious this afternoon, but she still felt guilty for starting this mess. Now that Beckett was here, at least she could go about trying to undo the damage.
Breathing deeply to calm herself, she finally opened the door for him. “Hi, Beck.” Willa tried for a smile but didn’t quite make it. There was an awkward tension between them and she hated it. Needing something to do with her hand other than reach for his, Willa beckoned him inside. “Won’t you come in?”
With a nod, Beckett stepped over the threshold and followed Willa over to the living room. The clean lines of the simple wooden furniture that filled the space made everything feel oddly formal, like they were sitting down for an interview instead of clearing the air about what was happening between them. Beckett folded himself onto the blue sofa, dwarfing that particular piece of furniture under his large frame. He scanned the room for a minute, taking in the golden, sputnik chandelier and Jackson Pollock-style paintings as Willa sat on the chair next to him.
After he’d finished taking in the space, Beckett gazed into her eyes. The beauty of his own irises couldn’t hide his unease. “This place is a trip,” he finally said to fill the silence.
“It is.” Willa nodded her agreement because Lottie’s house was definitely from another time and place, but as tempting as it was, she didn’t want to use the stylish surroundings as a distraction. “Do you really want to talk about the house?”
Beckett’s head moved slowly from side to side. “Not really, but I thought I would let you lead.” That was like him, giving Willa the time and space to form her thoughts. It made her hopeful that knowing that might make what she had to tell him easier to say.
Willa’s stomach buzzed anxiously as Beckett gestured for her to start, and she found herself toying with the ties on the yellow peasant blouse she wore to avoid having to speak for one minute more. Finally, when she felt ready, Willa dropped her hands into her lap and met his gaze. The hazel color she had become so fond of was dimmer than usual, and her gut sank further at the sight of it, wanting to bring the lightness that seemed a permanent fixture back in his eyes. Beckett had always looked so affable that to see him on guard was slightly disconcerting.
Sighing, Willa reached over and took his large hands in hers, pleased when he didn’t flinch or pull away. “First off, I’m sorry that I snuck out this morning. At the very least I should have left a note or sent a text so you didn’t worry or feel abandoned.” She gulped as she remembered how she’d absconded from his bed. “It was not my best moment.”
The corner of Beckett’s mouth ticked up as he faced her. “I appreciate the apology, though you did say you didn’t want anything serious, so you don’t really owe me one. Maybe next time you can just elbow me in the side so I can drive you home. If you’re okay with that.” Concern painted his face and his fingers tightened around hers. “How did you get home anyway? Please tell me you didn’t walk.”
Willa’s back stiffened at the scolding undercurrent of his tone and she drew her hands back defensively, the furrow in Beckett’s brow deepening at the move. “No, I didn’t walk. I’m not totally inept.” She huffed an annoyed breath. “I called Lottie. She came and got me.”
Willa’s eyes pinged around the room, looking everywhere except at him. It wasn’t until she felt him lightly brushing her hand again without grabbing it that she felt her jaw unclench. “Want to tell me where you went just then? It seems like I said something that clearly made you uncomfortable, a little mad even, and I’d like to know what, but you don’t owe me an explanation.” His eyes bored into hers when he next spoke. “I like you, Willa, quite a bit, but if I’ve been misreading things, I’ll leave you alone. I don’t want to force something that isn’t there.”
Each word seemed to cost Beckett greatly, his expression getting more pained the longer he talked. The thought of him leaving Willa alone, never to come back again pained her as well, but it was so hard to move forward when the past was constantly trying to drag her back into the sea of hurt it had been. It seemed like she would never be free of it, but if she wanted to move toward a brighter future, telling Beckett about it was the first step.
“I don’t want that, for you to leave that is,” Willa admitted quietly. Sighing, she shifted from her chair over to the sofa, a smile threatening to break loose when Beckett opened his arm in a silent invitation to cuddle in next to him. It was an invitation she happily accepted, and after gathering all her courage, she decided to face the problem head-on. “I should probably tell you a little about my ex.” Beckett nodded, his hand rubbing up and down her arm in soothing motions. Feeling comforted by him was nice, the tight ball of nerves in her chest releasing slightly and loosening her tongue. “Jeff was really controlling. Like telling me what to do, what to wear, and how to act.”
Beckett stiffened next to her. She could see him starting to look a bit pissed off on her behalf. Normally, Willa found that kind of alpha male display to be off-putting, but she knew that being protective was in his nature, and there was something nice about him feeling that way about her. “Did he ever hurt you physically?”
Willa got the strong sense that if her answer had been yes, Beckett would drive all the way to Florida just to kick her ex’s ass. The thought made her want to laugh a little, especially as she pictured the typically buttoned-up, not-one-hair-out-of-place Jeff trying to fend off the muscular man next to her. Violence wasn’t something Willa condoned, but the image of Beckett knocking Jeff into next week did make her smile just a tad before the reality of their conversation weighed her down again.
“No, he never hit me or anything,” she replied. Willa had been lucky in that regard. “But the emotional damage was there—is still there.”
Beckett’s eyebrows came together as he studied her. “I’m so sorry, Willa.” Beckett held her tighter, her body relaxing under the reassuring pressure. He was like her very own weighted blanket in the form of a handsome man, and she was once again grateful for his patience as she took a minute to enjoy it. “You don’t have to keep going if you don’t want to, but I like knowing more about you, being able to understand where you’re coming from.”
He hadn’t needed to voice that for her to know it was true. Beckett’s supportive body language and gentle touch told her all that already. “I know,” she replied, leaning up to kiss his jaw. The stubble tickled her lips, and Willa would have loved to forget the seriousness of the moment and just lose herself in him again like she had last night, but this was too important to breeze past. “Thanks for saying so, but I need to get it out.”
Talking about it helped a lot. Willa had already messaged her therapist for an appointment this week, but right now she needed to fill Beckett in so he could make an informed decision about whether he wanted to even pursue a relationship with her. She hoped he would, but the baggage she came with wasn’t exactly light. Willa had the gut feeling that he could carry it both physically and mentally, but that didn’t mean he would want to.
“It started out normally enough. We met and went out on a few dates, and things progressed like they were supposed to. The more time we spent together, the closer we seemed to get. Eventually, we moved in together.” She recalled the apartment that had always been more Jeff’s than hers, especially as he systematically removed nearly every one of her personal belongings, and felt bile rising in her throat. “I’m still trying to parcel it out a little myself, but it just seemed like pieces of me started to get chipped away. We would go to the places I liked to eat less and less. He would ask me to dress a certain way for his company gatherings. That spilled over into him setting out my outfits for the day before I even got out of the shower. My music would disappear in favor of the classical records he preferred to listen to.”
Willa took a shuddering breath as more of the past came to the forefront of her mind. Seeming to sense her need, Beckett held her even closer and leaned his head against hers. His small gesture gave her the strength to continue. “At the same time, he would imply that I wasn’t capable of doing things for myself, or that I was overly forgetful and clumsy. When I would question where my clothes went or why it seemed like my stuff was disappearing, he would gaslight me into thinking I either gave them away or never had them in the first place.”
Moisture filled Willa’s eyes as she remembered the worst of it. “He would tell me not to have dessert because I was gaining weight and he was finding me less desirable. He would tell me to put on makeup because I looked tired and then imply I was trying to catch another man’s attention if I applied too much,” she sniffed. “And when we slept together, he would only ever take what he wanted. He gave me nothing in return, not caring that I never felt an ounce of pleasure.”
Once Jeff had started exerting his control, nothing was about Willa anymore, and that was especially true in the bedroom. The tears escaped silently as she recalled all the times he sought his own pleasure and left her wanting, always needy but never satisfied. Orgasms were something that happened on her own or not at all, and by the end when they would have sex, Willa may as well have been on another planet.
Beckett reached under Willa’s chin, turning her to face him before dragging his thumbs over her wet cheeks and cupping them gently with his hands. “I know there isn’t anything that I can say to make it better for you or take away the pain he caused, but God I wish there was. You deserved so much better than that, sweetheart. You still do.”
A sad smile came across Willa’s face, her lower lip wobbling as she placed her hands over his. “I know, but thanks for saying it all the same.”
Beckett nodded, his concerned expression filling with pain. “Did I…?” he trailed off. His eyes darted away from hers before coming back, and only then did Willa realize the pain he felt wasn’t just for her. “Do I make you feel the same way you did with him? Is that why you left?”
“No!” Willa shouted instantly, startling him a little. Beckett had withdrawn slightly, and that was the last thing she wanted right then. Grabbing his hands and squeezing them as tightly as she possibly could, Willa stared him down intently. “No, Beck. You made me—” Her throat constricted as she pushed back the guilt from leaving again, knowing she needed to move past it. “You make me feel so much the opposite of how he did. You make me feel safe, and cared for,” Willa stopped before she could say and loved because it was way too soon for that, even if it was kind of true. “You make me feel like I can be myself with you. That’s why I left. I could easily see myself falling for a guy like you. Honestly, that scares the shit out of me.”
Beckett smiled sadly as he gave her hands a reassuring squeeze. “Because you don’t trust me, or trust a relationship with me?”
It was a fair question, one she wasn’t sure she had the answer to. “I don’t know what I trust yet,” Willa admitted. “My mind is such a crazy jumble of ‘what ifs’ and ‘what-could-bes’ that I don’t know which way is up half the time.” She looked forward to the day when she wasn’t constantly second-guessing herself, but she knew that might be a long way off.
Beckett nodded. “I see.” His face was understanding, but his eyes held disappointment. Willa couldn’t clear everything up in one conversation, but she could ease his worry a bit.
“I would like to try and figure it out though,” she told him, smiling when his eyes brightened. “If you’re still interested.”
Willa didn’t even have time to question his interest because Beckett was already shaking his head and huffing a slightly amused breath. “If I’m still interested, she says.” He looked at her pointedly before pulling her into his side again. “I’ve been interested from moment one, and everything you just told me hasn’t changed that one bit. If anything, I appreciate knowing what you’ve been through so I can understand what might trigger a bad memory.” He gave her a sad smile. “Like how maybe me saying ‘tell me you didn’t walk home’ was a bit of a misstep, even if it was only out of concern.”
Wincing slightly at the memory of how she reacted, Willa nodded. “Yes.” She leaned into him again, her head resting on his shoulder. “I don’t know what will trigger me or when, but it seems like any implication, even the slightest one, that I don’t know what I’m doing or that I’m not capable of taking care of myself really puts me on edge.” Her jaw still ached from clenching it as tightly as she had at his non-admonishment.
Beckett’s chest rose and fell deeply before his head rested against hers. “I see.” He ran his thumb over the back of her hand before lifting it to his mouth and placing a kiss there. “I guess that just means I’ll have to make sure I’m not talking out of my ass and things will be smooth sailing.”
Willa chuckled at the lightness in his tone, the action unknotting the last of the ball of nerves that had settled into her chest as they spoke of her past. “Sounds like a solid plan to me.”
A comfortable silence settled upon them as they sat in one another’s arms and processed their conversation. Finally, Beckett shifted and looked down at her. “We can take this one day at a time, Willa. I can’t promise I won’t make mistakes, but I can promise I will do my level best to learn from them. Just tell me what you need when you need it, and I’ll try to give it to you.”
“Okay,” she breathed out. Marveling at this amazing man, Willa placed her hand over his heart, hoping that she would be able to keep from hurting it again. “Will you do the same?”
“I will,” Beckett vowed, kissing her forehead. “So, in that vein, what do you need right now?”
Staring up at the gorgeous man and having her hands on him had memories from the night before flashing through her mind. Shifting on the sofa, Willa ran her hand through his hair and leaned closer to him, making her voice low and sultry. “Right now I kind of need to forget all this serious stuff and just relax for a little while. Do you think you can help me with that?”
Beckett’s heart thumped against her palm and his eyes darkened a shade. “I know I can,” he promised.
Standing, Willa reached down for him, already feeling better the moment his hand slipped into hers. As she led him to her bedroom, the lightness that she had started to feel spread throughout her body. For now, things between the two of them were on more solid ground.