Chapter 28
THEO
“What are you doing here?”
For a woman who was under five feet tall, Ellie was terrifying.
No, that wasn’t true. She was terrifying for a living creature of any size.
Including, for example, a hungry polar bear.
Of course she was the first person I ran into after I’d talked my way past security—Vicki had recognized me as Simon’s friend—to get into the nondescript, beige-walled corridor that led to the archives Simon worked in.
If looks could kill, I would have been vaporized to a fine mist by the glare Ellie had levelled at me right now. The cutesy little cat cardigan clips and heart-shaped glasses were a lie. She was possibly the fiercest predator roaming the Earth.
Usually, that worked in my favor. I liked being out in public with her, because she was the best defense against anyone even considering starting any trouble.
Today, the only thing stopping me from running in the other direction was…
“Looking for Simon,” I said, still out of breath from sprinting—well, mostly walking briskly, I was no kind of athlete—all the way from my office to the museum.
The glare intensified.
“He’s not here,” she responded, turning away from me to disappear back into the archives.
I took advantage of my stride length to put myself between her and the door in one step, cutting her off in an act of bravery which, had I been in a warzone, would have earned me half a dozen medals.
“Ellie,” I pleaded, voice barely above a whisper. “Just tell him I’m here. Let him decide if he wants to see me.”
“He’s not here,” she repeated.
“Ellie—”
“No, Theo, he’s not here. For real,” she said.
My heart sank. That must’ve shown on my face, because Ellie’s glare softened from vaporizing space laser to minor stab wound.
“Then—”
“I will tell you where he is only if,” Ellie interrupted me, raising a warning finger, “you can tell me exactly what you did wrong, and how you’re planning to apologize. Because I’ve been mopping up after you all week.”
See, this was the thing. Everyone loved Simon. Simon made friends everywhere he went. Even his ex-girlfriend was ready to defend him with her life. Or more likely, mine.
It still felt impossible that he’d choose me. It’d felt impossible when he picked me to be his friend, and it felt even more impossible that he could...
Love me. The way I wanted him to. Despite... everything about me.
“I…”
I swallowed. What hadn’t I done?
Spent a decade taking him for granted, for a start. Let him believe I wasn’t hopelessly, painfully in love with him. Gone out of my way to hide it, in fact, but expected him to know anyway when it was convenient for me. All without ever saying so.
Ever. In our whole lives.
Simon never saw me without telling me he loved me. To the point where I’d stopped really hearing it. I knew, obviously. I knew the way I knew the sun would rise and water would be wet. That Simon loved me was part of the landscape of my life. So much a part of it that I’d stopped seeing it at all.
“Hurt him,” I said.
Ellie made a rolling go on hand gesture.
I licked my lips. “What did he tell you?”
I didn’t want to share anything Simon hadn’t. I owed him that much.
“Well, first of all, he told me about your arrangement. Being each other’s plus-ones as required.”
Oh.
I’m just your plus one. That’s all I’ll ever be.
“That…”
How could I explain myself in a way that didn’t make me sound like the unforgivable coward I was?
I probably couldn’t.
“Because I wanted to be with him,” I said. “All this time, all I’ve ever wanted was to be with Simon and you have got to believe me when I say I didn’t know he might possibly even be willing to give me a chance. I kissed him once, when we were in college,” I confessed.
Ellie tilted her head, brows drawn.
“He pushed me away,” I said. “And now I know he did that because he didn’t think I could possibly want him, he thought I was only doing it because I was…
drunk and upset, and… I’ve made a mess of this, El.
I know that. I just want a chance to fix it.
Simon… he means everything to me. I don’t even know who I am without him.
From the moment I met him, I knew he was everything I wanted.
He… he is my plus one. My other half. I have no idea how to be Theo without Simon. ”
Ellie sighed. Something in her eyes softened, though.
“You know what he told me? That it wasn’t really your fault. That his feelings weren’t your problem, and he was the one who’d been stupid about it. That he’d be over it in a few days. That he missed you.”
“I miss him,” I said without a moment’s thought.
“You owe him an apology,” Ellie said. “He doesn’t expect it, so you never apologize to him and I know that’s not because you’re a bad person but you have to, Theo. This time, you have to. He deserves it.”
“I… Ellie, you know how I…”
“Of course I know,” Ellie said. “I know exactly how you feel about Simon. The person who doesn’t know how you feel about Simon is Simon.”
“Which is what I did wrong,” I said.
Ellie gave me a sharp little nod, lips pursed.
“Among other things,” I added. “I know I screwed up, okay? I’m…
I’m going to tell him. I’m terrified, but I’m more terrified of losing the most important person in the world.
Simon means more to me than anything, and he’s—he’s at his parents’ house,” I said as the memory hit me.
He’d said he was going to see his parents over the weekend.
Well. At least they liked me.
Ellie’s eyes widened, confirming I was right.
“You’re amazing and Simon is so lucky to call you his friend,” I said, stepping around her. “Thank you for looking out for him.”
“I’ll skin you alive if you hurt him again,” Ellie called after me as I strode down the hall as fast as I could without actually breaking into a run.
“I’ll bring you the knife myself.”