Chapter 29
SIMON
The doorbell rang just as I’d finished counting the glow in the dark stars on my bedroom ceiling for the fifth time.
It was great to see Mom and Dad. It was great to know there was someone else in the house, that I wasn’t all alone.
Right now, though, I was bad company, and I didn’t want to inflict that on them.
I’d be okay in a few hours, when I’d had time to soak in the comfort of the familiar surroundings. Until then—
“… if he wants to see you, but I can’t make any promises,” my mom’s voice carried from the front hall.
I sat up, heart pounding. There was only one person she could have been talking to.
If I’d been asked a minute ago if I wanted to see him, I wouldn’t have been sure what my answer was.
Now that it wasn’t a hypothetical question, I was in the hall and practically running for the door without conscious thought getting in the way at all.
When I saw Theo standing just beyond the front door, silhouetted against the failing daylight behind him, something in me broke. I couldn’t have said whether it was in a good way, or a bad one.
“Simon,” he said, breathless. As though he couldn’t believe what he was seeing.
I almost couldn’t believe it, either.
Mom turned to look back at me, brows raised and mouth set. The way her grip tightened on the doorknob said say the word and I’ll slam this door in his face.
I was lucky to have a mom like her.
“It’s okay, Mom,” I said. My voice sounded distant, as though it was coming from someone else.
Theo’s shoulders dropped away from his ears as he looked at me, eyes gleaming. I’d never seen a look on his face like the one he was wearing now—as though he was seeing the sun for the first time. As though he was seeing something so awe-inspiring it’d change his life forever.
He was looking at me. Like that.
My mom backed away from the door as I approached it, trading places with me. She squeezed my forearm as she passed, giving me an I’ve got your back look before bustling back into the house, toward the kitchen.
Once we were alone, I checked Theo over. Dark circles under his eyes. Hair sticking up all over the place, as though he’d both been pulling on it and napping at his desk. He was paler than usual, his eyes were bloodshot, and by his sides, his hands were trembling.
“Hi,” I said, heart clenching at how miserable he looked.
Because that was the thing. I loved him. I always would. No matter what he did.
Even if that thing was surging forward and headbutting me.
No, kissing. He was kissing me. Awkwardly and with too much force, our noses colliding and my glasses in the way, but his hands were on my face again, and his mouth was pressed against mine.
Theo was kissing me.
We stumbled into the hall, my back hitting the wall hard enough to rattle the picture frames and rock the coat stand. I shot my hand out to steady it, but missed and knocked it over. The clatter of it hitting the ground seemed to happen miles and miles away.
Because Theo was here, and he was kissing me. With both hands on my face. The way he only kissed me.
“Hi,” Theo said against my lips, the tip of his nose still pressed to mine. “Sorry.”
“Are you?” I asked, a coil of nerves wrapping around my guts. I wasn’t opposed to Theo making the trip all the way to my parents’ house to burst through their front door and kiss me, but I didn’t know what it meant.
I was scared to assume anything. Assuming things was what had gotten us here in the first place.
“Not for that,” Theo said, pulling back just far enough that I could see his eyes were closed. Both of his hands were still on my face, so I covered one of them with one of my own. “Well, I’m sorry for pouncing on you, kind of. I mean I’m not, but—”
“Slow down,” I murmured, squeezing his hand. “I’m not going anywhere.”
“Aren’t you?” Theo asked, opening his eyes.
I always thought I should be used to Theo’s eyes by now, but that perfect clear ice blue still came as a surprise every time. Even bloodshot and shadowed with dark circles so deep they looked like bruises.
“Well, this is my parents’ house,” I teased. I knew what he meant. “But I wouldn’t be going anywhere no matter where it was. Not if you wanted me around.”
“I do,” Theo said, voice breaking and eyes glinting. “More than anything. I want you around.”
A smile tugged at my lips. It was small, it was exhausted, but it was Theo’s, and I couldn’t have stopped it even if I wanted to.
“Then we’re—”
“No,” Theo interrupted, backing away. My heart plummeted as he took his hands away, holding them up between us.
“No?”
“No.” Theo shook his head, taking a deep breath. “We’re not okay. You never make me apologize. You sweep all my failures and flaws under the rug and you shouldn’t. You should make me apologize to you. Ellie’s right.”
I raised an eyebrow. When did Ellie come into it?
“I ran into her while I was looking for you,” Theo explained. “She... made some good points. You’re lucky to have her.”
“I know,” I said softly. “There’s no one in my life I’m not lucky to have.”
Two bright stripes of pink streaked across Theo’s cheeks. I could never figure out why that alone didn’t make people fall head over heels in love with him at first sight.
“I owe you... probably a million apologies. Don’t wave me off,” Theo said, cutting me off before I’d even taken a breath to tell him it was fine.
“You always say it’s fine but it’s not. It’s not fine, Simon. I don’t... I...”
He swallowed, eyes shining as he looked at me. If he started crying, I’d start crying, too. My eyes were already stinging in anticipation.
He took another deep breath, letting it out slowly.
“If I loved you less, I could talk about it more.”
I knew that one. Mr. Knightley to Emma.
I was so busy being proud of myself for remembering the quote that it took me a second to hear what he was saying.
Theo swallowed. “I love you,” he said, voice breaking.
“Always have. From that first day. That wasn’t.
.. I wasn’t making it up, when I told Delilah.
And when I kissed you, the first time, all those years ago, it wasn’t for any reason other than that I wanted to.
And then you pushed me away, so I just..
. never said anything. I thought we were forgetting it.
So when you said what happens in Montauk. ..”
Oh, Theo.
I reached out, putting both of my hands on Theo’s face. “I kind of meant the short tempers and frayed nerves. And I wanted you to know that I wouldn’t be weird about the whole... fake boyfriends thing when we got home. Which it turns out was optimistic of me, but I’ve never claimed to be perfect.”
“You are perfect,” Theo murmured. His face was turned down, cheek pressed into my palm, so when he looked at me, it was from under his lashes.
It took a lot not to end this conversation by kissing him again, but I knew we had to have the rest of it.
It was just occurring to me that all my dreams were coming true right now. Even if they were doing it awkwardly.
Most of my life had been a little awkward, so that felt right.
“I’m not,” I said. “You just think that.”
“Because I love you,” Theo said, turning his face back up to meet my eyes. “I love you, Simon. You’re perfect to me.”
Tears pricked at my eyes, welling up along my lashes.
“And I don’t want anyone more glamorous or… whatever you think,” Theo added. “Everyone I’ve dated since we met… they had to be amazing, because they were competing with you. And none of them even came close. Don’t—” He stopped me again.
“Don’t say whatever you were about to. They never came close because they weren’t you.
They didn’t have your kindness or your warmth and none of them were as smart as you are, and I do think you’re hot, by the way, but more importantly they weren’t patient with me.
No one’s ever been patient with me like you are.
And I can see now that’s because, I mean, firstly you’re one of a kind and the best person in the whole world.
But also, it’s because you loved me. The whole time. Right?”
I wasn’t sure I’d ever heard Theo say that many words at once before in our lives.
“Right,” I agreed, a little dazed, still catching up with everything he’d said. “Like I said. From the moment I saw you’d kept the note. I didn’t know, then. But that was when it happened.”
Theo broke into one of the broad, brilliant smiles I’d never seen him give anyone else. My smile.
I stopped resisting the urge to kiss him, bringing our mouths together a lot more carefully this time. He sighed as soon as our lips touched, melting against me until we were pressed together knees to chests, my hands still on his face.
I felt as though I was holding the whole world between them.
“I love you,” Theo murmured against my lips. “I love you, I love you, I love. You are my plus one, but not because it’s convenient. Because I can’t imagine wanting to be with anyone else. Wherever I am, I’m always going to want you to be there with me.”
Tears stung at my eyes. What was there to say to that, other than…
“I always will be.”
A throat cleared further down the hall.
Heat rising up the back of my neck, I glanced away from Theo just in time to see Dad setting the coat rack upright again.
Theo’s face was burning hot under my hands, but I didn’t take them away. I wasn’t letting go of him until I absolutely had to.
“Hello, Theo.” Dad nodded to him. “I’ll set another place for dinner?”
Theo broke into a grin. It wasn’t quite the same as my smile, but it was beautiful, too. He looked at me. I nodded.
“I’d like that,” he said, burying his face shyly in my palm. “Thank you.”
Dad waved him off. Like father, like son, apparently. I had to have learned that somewhere.
“Please,” he said. “You’re family.”