Chapter 19 #2
I bury my face in his neck, breathing him in, trying to anchor myself to him as my mind spins out of control.
He takes the stairs two at a time and kicks open the first VIP room door.
Two beautiful women are kissing on the velvet couch, hands wandering, not even blinking when we interrupt them.
I reach over Phoenix’s shoulder and pull the door shut, and he moves to the next one.
He kicks it open, and thankfully, this one is empty.
He places me down, turns to close the door, and when he faces me again, I can see I’m not the only one who’s angry.
“You get what you wanted?” he snaps at me, his hands braced on his hips, as if he’s trying to keep himself from reaching for me or putting his fist through the wall.
“How did you do it?” I throw my arms out because how the fuck did he do it? “You watched other men inside me and did nothing.”
He doesn’t answer, and I don’t know whether I want to punch him or collapse against him and apologize until I lose my voice.
Both.
Because right now, I’m hurting for him, but I’m also hurting because of him.
“I’m not trying to make this harder for you, Phoenix. I swear I’m not. I’m just trying to understand, and I—fuck—I can’t—”
“Feel it.” He cuts in, and my eyes snap to his.
“Whatever’s tearing you apart right now, feel it.
Hold it. Then let it out. Let it out on me and let it go.
Because we can’t get the last ten years back, baby.
And I’m sorry—fuck, I’m sorry. But I can’t fix what already happened.
I can’t undo it, so I need you to feel it.
Tell me, Shannen. Tell me why you’re angry. ”
“She touched you.”
“What else?” He pushes, stepping closer.
“You let them touch me.”
“Keep going.”
“You watched,” I choke out, tears burning down my cheeks.
“You watched, and you didn’t come for me.
You thought you were punishing yourself, but you punished me too, Phoenix.
I know you read those letters feeling like you weren’t worthy of me because all I ever did was release my pain on paper.
But how can I ever be worthy of you now?
How can I—god, Phoenix, I can’t—not after what you’ve seen.
Jesus Christ, you smiled at her, and I wanted to rip her head off, and you saw—”
I’m spiraling, and he knows.
He reaches for me, and I shove at his chest—hard enough to mean it, not hard enough to make him move.
I want him close.
I want him out of my space.
Mostly, I just want what we lost.
I’m grieving the time we’ll never get back, the moments that should’ve been ours but weren’t. Years stolen by fear and pride and his self-destruction.
He pulls me against his chest, his arms wrapping around me as if he could physically hold me together, and I feel his mouth at my ear, his breath shaking.
“I see nothing but us, Shannen. No one’s ever touched you in my mind. No one but me. Do you understand me? No one else exists. Not to me. Not when it comes to you.”
His hands move to my face, trembling as they cup my jaw, tilting my head up so I can’t hide from the truth in his eyes.
“Maybe I didn’t realize it at the time—maybe I was too fucking broken to see what I was doing to you—but you’re right.
You’re right, okay? I should’ve come for you.
I should’ve kicked down doors and dragged you back, screaming, if that’s what it took.
I should’ve fought harder against the voice in my head telling me I wasn’t good enough for you.
” His forehead drops to mine, and I can feel his chest rising and falling against me as his grip tightens on my face.
“But I swear to you, I only think about us. What we are and what we’re always going to be. ”
“But it’s in here.” I tap my temple hard enough to hurt. “It’ll always be here.”
His eyes narrow. One second. Two. Then his mouth crashes into mine like he’s trying to erase every word I just said.
I don’t get the chance to catch my breath before he’s backing me up until the cold wall hits my spine.
His hands are at my hips, sliding under my dress and finding the lace between my legs before ripping it off.
He spins me around so fast my palms smack against the glass, and suddenly I’m pressed up against it, staring down at the blur of people on the other side.
They have no idea what’s happening up here.
They’re laughing, drinking, dancing, and living their oblivious little lives while Phoenix has my body pinned and completely under his control.
He kicks my legs apart, his hand sliding between my thighs.
“This pussy is mine,” he growls in my ear, his other hand wrapping around my throat as his tongue drags down my neck, sucking hard at my pulse. “It’s only ever been mine.”
Except it hasn’t, and I fucking hate it.
I hate that he’s wrong, and I hate that I can’t make it true.
Two fingers suddenly push inside me, and I gasp, my breath fogging the glass in front of me until the world below blurs into nothing but hazy lights and shadows.
Phoenix reaches across with his free hand and draws a heart in the condensation, the squeak of his finger against the wet glass somehow intimate in the chaos of the moment.
His lips press against my ear, his breath sending shivers down my spine.
“That heart of yours? Also mine. And I know you’ve never given it to anyone else.
Not once.” His fingers curl deeper, pressing into that spot inside me that sets off tiny explosions.
“So no, baby, I don’t give a fuck about anyone who came before me.
I don’t want what they got—I want everything you never gave them.
The one thing you never took away from me. ”
He pulls his fingers out of me, and I feel the loss instantly, my body clenching around fuck all as I stand there aching for him.
I hear the rustle of his clothes behind me, and then he’s right there—gripping my hips as he pushes inside me in one slow, brutal stroke.
“Fuck—” My forehead drops against the cold glass as that one word tears out of me, part gasp, mostly needy little sob.
His fingers lace with mine, pinning my hands in place, and I moan, needing him to thrust, to move, to fuck me, anything—but he doesn’t.
He just holds himself inside me, perfectly still, and with me bent over, breathless and begging, he takes his time to feel the way my body gives for him in ways it never has for anyone else.
“When I’m inside you, what do you see? What do you feel? Is it them out there? Or do you feel me?” His lips brush the shell of my ear, and his fingers tighten around mine. “Do you see my fingers wrapped around yours, or do you see men who will never mean a fucking thing to you?”
“You. Only you.”
“And all I see is us,” he says, finally moving—just a little, just enough to make me whimper.
I turn my mouth toward his, but we don’t kiss. We just hover there, breathing each other in as if the only thing we’re surviving on is each other. He starts to move, staying pressed so impossibly close it’s like we’re the same body—skin to skin, soul to soul.
“It’s us, pretty girl. Only ever us.”
His fingers squeeze mine against the glass, and when he lets go, he grabs my hips, and I feel his restraint shatter.
“You feel that, baby? The way your cunt tightens around me every time I move?”
His lips drop to my shoulder, biting down hard as he starts to wildly rut into me. He’s not just fucking me now. Every thrust is a wipe of the slate, and every snap of his hips says there’s no before him anymore.
“Let me hear it. Let me feel how much you need me.”
“Phoenix—” I moan, my body going taut as the pressure coils in my stomach.
“Fucking come for me, just for me.”
Pleasure pulses through my body, and after a few more brutal thrusts, his body goes still, filling me so fucking full I can feel him everywhere. He’s marking me from the inside out, claiming me in ways nobody else ever will and erasing everything and everyone that isn’t us.
“Mine.” He breathes against the back of my neck. “You got that now, baby?” He presses a tender kiss to my shoulder, then another to the bite mark he left. “You deserve everything, and I swear to god I’ll give it to you.”
“So do you,” I whisper, feeling his lips still dragging across my sweat-damp skin. “You deserve the world.”
He slowly pulls out of me, and I turn in his hold until we’re chest to chest, our hearts pounding. I reach up to cup his jaw, forcing him to look at me, to see me the way I’m seeing him.
“I love you, Phoenix. I love you so much it scares me.”
His breath catches, and for a second, he just stares at me like I’ve reached inside his chest and wrapped my hand around his heart.
“Say it again.”
“I love you, Phoenix Cassidy.”
“Again,” he chokes out, lifting a hand to drag his knuckles down my cheek. “Please, baby—just once more.”
“I’m so in love with you.”
His eyes go glassy with unshed tears, and then his body begins to shake as he fights to keep his shit together.
This man—this brutal, possessive, beautiful man—isn’t trembling in my arms. He’s vibrating with the effort of keeping a decade’s worth of pain and longing from tearing out of him all at once.
“I’ve waited so long to hear you say that.”
“I know you have.” I press my lips to his temple and whisper the only truth that matters anymore. “I promise I’ll never leave.”