Chapter Thirty #2
‘No.’ Her voice is low under the sleek house music echoing from the bar’s speakers and into the night air.
She makes sure to hold his gaze. ‘No. That was a dickhead thing to say. I only said it because I thought the film was … so good. Like, it scared me how good it was. How much it dug down into things that I’ve thought about since I was a kid.
Since … we knew each other.’ He watches her, uncharacteristically inscrutable.
Anika carries on. ‘It made me think about what … what it means to lose someone. What it means to face that possibility. For others, or for ourselves.’ She hesitates.
‘For myself.’ She looks at Cam, noticing his brows draw closer at that, and sucks in a breath.
‘And the music really was incredible. Her music? But I felt like I was really seeing you, too. And being seen.’ Emotions she’s afraid to confront momentarily thicken into unshed tears in her throat and she looks down at the floor, drawing in another long breath just as Cam seems about to speak.
‘It was basically like, I dunno, 8 Mile meets Atonement,’ she says quickly.
‘Which is fucking mad and genius. Basically, in short, I loved it.’ Anika pauses for a second, then adds more slowly, ‘She would have loved it too. Zaya. I mean, obviously I hardly knew her, but I think I’m right. ’
At last Anika falls quiet and feels a creeping discomfort as Cam says nothing for what feels like an eternity.
Then, finally, he drains his drink and puts down the glass on the same table as Anika’s abandoned flute.
Running his hands up his face and over his close-shorn head, he gazes up at the sky for a moment before abruptly looking back into Anika’s eyes.
‘I really needed to hear that, Anika Lapo,’ he says.
‘Thank you.’ He shakes his arms loose, as though they’ve cramped up.
Like he’s stopping himself from reaching for her?
As if to confirm this, he crosses his arms and tucks his hands into his armpits, tilting his head to one side with the familiar twinkle of mischief back in his eyes.
‘8 Mile meets Atonement, yeah? Talk about an elevator pitch. Maybe you should be my manager instead of doing the radio ting.’ They both chuckle, and just then a hefty guy in a dark suit and distinctive Afro sideburns claps Cam on his shoulders from behind.
Cam startles and then spins around, and the two men begin a sequence of handshakes and back-slaps.
‘My guy!’ Cam says. ‘We was just talking about replacing you. Anika, this is Asante Jones, my manager – for now.’ He laughs warmly while Asante encases Anika’s outstretched hand in his huge palms.
‘Ah, this is Anika, yeah?’ the big man says in a booming voice, then winks incredibly unsubtly at Cam, who flaps his hands towards Asante in a ‘get out of here’ gesture.
‘Listen, two seconds, Cam – there’s a couple of people over there I said I’d introduce you to …
’ While he speaks, Cam’s manager gives Anika an apologetic look that she, too, waves off.
‘No, of course, go, go, your adoring public awaits,’ she says, smiling towards Cam.
She can also hear Shameeka calling her name and turns to acknowledge it.
Her friends are standing around another of the podium-like tables, closer by than Anika expected.
They’ve clearly been watching Anika and Cam talk, and she notices that Shamz is eyeing her with a frown.
‘Go nowhere till I come back, yeah? Don’t Cinderella on me,’ Cam is saying, moving closer to whisper in her ear, one hand briefly on her lower back. A tingle rattles down her spine and she nods.
Taking a deep breath to compose herself, Anika walks over to her friends. ‘Sorry about that,’ she says when she reaches them.
Tina makes an appreciative ‘mm mm mmm’ noise. ‘No need to apologise, babes. Get yours!’
Shameeka places a mojito in front of Anika, still seeming less than enthused.
‘Hang on. I know you met him at the agency, but do you know Cam Asiedu? Like, know him, know him?’ she asks, her gaze burrowing into Anika, who takes a sip of the drink, trying to buy herself more time even though she was planning to avoid alcohol for the rest of the night.
‘I mean, I only kind of know him. We were at school together for a little while,’ she says.
Tina and Maia make impressed noises but Shamz is shaking her head.
‘So, what, you didn’t want to mention that either?
Why are you being so … I dunno, you’re acting like a different person all of a sudden, Neeks.
Why all the secrets? Since when don’t we tell each other shit?
The Hattie stuff one second, and now you’re out here flirting with man and we didn’t even know anything about you two having some deep past?
’ She still tries to sound jokey as she finishes, but Anika knows her friend. Shameeka is annoyed for real now.
‘It wasn’t … I suppose it just didn’t come up?’
Shamz lets out a guffaw. ‘Er, OK.’ She shakes her head again and Anika sees the muscle in her friend’s jaw work.
‘I just thought we’d have a good night tonight, hang out.
Like …’ She blows out a harsh sigh. ‘We almost lost you, Neeks. I just want a chance to spend some time with my mate like old times, not start learning about brand-new shit that,’ she gestures exasperatedly in the air, ‘you weren’t interested in sharing. ’
A cloak of ire settles around Anika’s shoulders.
‘It’s not my fault we don’t get time to hang out much any more, babe.
’ There’s not-all-that-faint sarcasm in the last word.
‘Things get in the way and we’re not in the same— I mean, you have Mai.
’ She gestures to her. ‘You have the baby, you have your big-balls job …’ She can feel Maia’s eyes on her and yields, but only slightly.
‘Look, I’m not saying any of that is bad – of course I’m not.
But it’s not me who’s had a specific schedule to work around.
I’ve been about, do you know what I mean?
’ Glancing over her shoulder towards Cam, she turns back and adds, ‘So, yeah, if I’ve got a chance to enjoy myself, to do something that’s just for me that might mean I get some of those things, too, then I’m going to do them, OK?
I can’t just stay the same person that I was before all everything happened, and I—’
‘Oh, what, now you’re marrying Cam Asiedu and having his babies, yeah? That’s a turn of events. Jeez.’ Shameeka’s tone is edging towards mockery in a way that ignites a spark of real anger in Anika.
‘Fuck off, Shamz. Like, you really do just expect me to stay static, to be … pitiful, don’t you?’
Tina lifts her arms, a palm facing each of her friends. ‘Slow down, you two. Fuck’s sake. Where’s all this coming from?’
Anika isn’t sure. Maybe Shamz has drunk more than she thought?
Or maybe it’s been bubbling under for a while.
But now that the notion has been articulated, Anika senses its resonance deep within.
‘You want to be the one that’s together while I’m always several steps behind, right?
Like I’m the one who needs you to give me a push all the time.
I’m not your kid, Shamz! I’m not on a swing, I’m not always going to come back down.
I might stay up. You know?’ She’s breathing hard, looking into Shameeka’s face across the small table.
Her friend’s eyes are bulging, incredulous.
‘What the fuck are you talking about?’ Shamz’s voice is hurt, dangerous.
‘I’m different now,’ Anika says, punctuating each word.
It’s more of a declaration than anything she’s ever said.
‘I can’t just be the person that says it’s fine, I’m fine, don’t worry about it.
I want things. I’m going to get them. I …
I can’t stay in one place.’ Adrenaline is shooting through every vein of her body, like the words are a manifesto.
A tiny voice in the back of her brain wants to ask why this means she has to lash out at Shameeka, her friend, who’s always looked out for her …
But there’s truth in what she’s saying, too.
‘When I went into hospital, they said I should have been picturing a fucking full stop to my life. But I. Said. No.’ She’s looking at all of them now, her hands trembling, hot tears inexplicably dancing in her eyes.
Faintly, Anika recalls writing in the diary about honesty, about truth-telling.
It’s all tumbling out of her in ways she never expected it to, but so be it.
‘I can’t shake the knowledge that all this can – will – so easily all turn to nothingness.
That it will end; it’ll be gone. I can’t ignore that, OK?
I have to seize everything I can, while I can.
’ Her breath is coming out in short puffs and she glances down as Tina gently rests one hand on her arm.
‘OK, Anika. OK.’
She looks at her friend, then around at Maia, and lastly at Shameeka’s horrified, wounded expression.
From the corner of her eye Anika sees Cam coming towards her again, oblivious to the blow-up, and she turns quickly and walks towards him, away from them.
He seems surprised at her urgency as she grabs his elbow and speeds him towards the exit, pulling him into the lobby that leads to the lifts down to the ground floor.
‘You good?’ he asks quizzically as she jabs rapidly at the call button for the elevator. A sigh of relief escapes her lips as it pings and its doors slide open invitingly.
‘Mmhmm. Yeah.’ She lowers her voice from the octave the word hit. ‘I’m fine. I just need to get out of here.’ Anika steps inside the lift and turns around with an expectant look.
Cam lets out a soft laugh. ‘OK. But it was my idea first, yeah? Some of the production people have apparently booked a table for a late dinner at Rune, round the corner. I was just coming to see if you fancied joining us?’
Anika isn’t even really hungry, but dinner at the Michelin-starred restaurant at least gives her some excuse not to sit alone at home with this manic, strange feeling still surging in her veins.
She’d much rather be with Cam. She closes her eyes for a second, picturing her friends trying to absorb all that truth she fired at them, blindsided into slack-jawed silence.
Having somewhere to go will stop her from worrying that she has seriously fucked up.
‘Let’s go,’ she says, and Cam steps in just as the lift doors slide shut again.