Chapter 18
EIGHTEEN
JULIAN
I’d moped around my condo all Saturday morning, feeling sorry for myself.
I might ruin Alex’s life if we stayed together.
Margot was a devious bitch, but she understood the stakes of our relationship and the havoc it could wreak on Alex’s life and even his career. What the hell had I gotten myself into?
I stomped through the main room, still in my pajama bottoms, with my second cup of coffee, then dropped onto the couch and panned the expanse of sky and desert laid out in front of me through the windows.
Did anyone else out there have problems this messy?
No, probably just me. I sipped my coffee.
Poor fucking Julian and the dumb messes he gets himself into with men.
I couldn’t end it though. I was in love.
An ache barreled through my chest, and the corners of my eyes prickled.
A knock hung in the air.
Twisting, I stared at my door. Who the hell was that? left our packages in a box downstairs.
The knock came again.
“Fucking hell.” Setting my coffee on the table, I hopped off the couch and strode to the door. “Who is it?” Shit, was it Alex? Maybe he hurt as bad as me and came to visit me. My heart leapt, and I popped the door open.
“Hey, Julian.” Ian stood in the hallway holding a bouquet of roses in a variety of colors. “I reviewed what you said yesterday and figured we should talk in person and not while you were at work, where there are interruptions.” He pushed the flowers toward me.
“Uh, thanks.” I took them and brought them into the kitchen. I couldn’t just turn him away, not after he brought me flowers. Hell, he’d never given me flowers before, had he?
Following me, Ian closed the door and gave my apartment a swift inspection. “You’re drinking coffee. Can I have one?” He stepped to my Keurig coffee machine.
“Sure.” After setting the flowers in a vase with water on the counter, I grabbed a cup from the upper cabinet and started his coffee. Wait, what else was there to say? We’d finished our conversation yesterday.
“You, uh, haven’t showered yet. Everything okay?” He peered at me and smirked. “It’s eleven.”
“Yeah, I was, uh, I just slept in.” I’d tossed and turned all night. Fucking Margot, why did she have to show up and destroy everything? I pulled the creamer out of the refrigerator and set it on the counter.
When the stream of coffee slowed to a stop in the Keurig, he poured cream into his cup, stirred it with a spoon already set on the counter and then started for my couch. “You have such an incredible view.”
“Yeah. Great.” I returned to my earlier spot and lifted my mug. “What do you want to discuss? Seems to me we concluded with being friends, like we have for years.” I sipped my coffee.
He sank into the couch, not right beside me, but not far away.
“I wanted to rehash what you said about our careers. I don’t think it’s a good reason not to try again.
” He blew across his cup. “In fact, I think it’s a fantastic time for a fresh start.
We wouldn’t be on top of each other like we were in college, and when you’re home, we could spend quality time together. ”
What did that even mean? The time I spent in Alex’s hotel room was quality, wasn’t it? But having a dinner date with Alex was impossible. Everything we did was under cover. I was too tired to argue with Ian. “Okay. And?”
“I don’t see a good reason to at least try, you know?” Angling toward me, he set his hand on my thigh. “Go on a date with me. Just one. That’s my only request, and if you don’t want another, then I’ll back off.”
I stared at him. He wouldn’t leave this alone. My only option was to tell him. “I can’t go out with you. I have a boyfriend.” My eyes flew open. Oh no, was this a good idea? Fuck it. “I’m with Alex Volkov.”
He blinked. “Alex Vokov, the captain of the team? B-but he’s straight.”
“No, turns out he’s not.” Hell, if Margot knew, then Ian could know. Rocking once, I said, “He identifies as bisexual at the moment, but I think he’s leaning toward gay.” Did it even matter?
“So, but he’s not out, right? He’s in the closet?” Ian’s brows lowered. “You’re dating a closeted hockey player? Aren’t his parents from Russia?”
“Not dating, Ian. Boyfriends and yes.” Taking a deep inhale, I calmed the rush of my thrumming pulse. He’d think I was nuts. I probably was.
With a shake of his head, he said, “What’s your father’s opinion about this?”
“He doesn’t know. I’m…” Fuck, now I’d have to tell him everything. “It’s against franchise policy for players to date anyone on the coaching staff.” I drank some coffee. Maybe a second cup was too much.
Giving me a placating look, Ian said, “Oh, Julian. This isn’t right for you. How can you have a boyfriend who’s in the closet? A man you have to keep secret from your father? This relationship could hurt your career or his. It’s wrong. It’s—”
“It doesn’t matter. I love him.” I raised my chin. He could complain all he wanted, but it wouldn’t change that fact.
He scoffed inside a grin. “You love him? When do you even see each other? In secret rendezvous at the rink or in hotel rooms? When all the other players are asleep, do you sneak into his hotel room?” Shaking his head, he said, “That’s not a relationship, Julian.
That’s an affair. Only you’re not cheating on a spouse, you’re cheating on your careers, his parents, your father, everyone who knows you. ”
I flinched and hung my head, staring at the swirls in my coffee while I held it in my lap. He was right. The fucker was always right. In a soft voice, I said, “We’re deciding how to fix it.”
“Fix it?” Ian lifted my chin, forcing our gazes to meet.
“How do you fix this? Is he willing to come out to his parents for you and risk losing his family? Do you really think he’ll choose you?
And how about your father? Will he find someone else to manage the franchise?
Not Camille. She doesn’t want it. It’s supposed to be your legacy.
Are you willing to lose it for a man who won’t choose you? ”
As heat built behind my eyes, his face hazed. With my voice cracking, I said, “I-I don’t know, Ian. I don’t have all the answers yet.”
“Damn it, Julian.” He set his coffee on the table and then mine and threw his arms around my shoulders, hugging me against his chest. “Julian, this is wrong. He’s the wrong man for you. Don’t you see that?”
My heart split in two, and I fought to control my emotions.
He was feeding my worst fears. Could I trust him?
Hell, I didn’t know what to believe anymore.
After swallowing the lump in my throat, I inhaled deeply.
“I’m, I’m okay.” Pushing him away, I wiped the wetness from my eyes.
I had to believe in Alex. But I was so fragile after last night, listening to Margot recite every obstacle against us.
He took my hands in his. “Julian, I’m here for you. I can wait until this thing implodes.” He wrinkled his forehead, shaking our hands with his words. “And it will implode. These things always do.”
I bit the inside of my cheek. I wouldn’t break down again. “If it happens, Alex will support me.” Was I being a fool? No, Alex would choose me, wouldn’t he?
“I hope so, Julian. I really do.” He glanced at our coffee cups. “I…wanted to ask you to have lunch with me. You seem so upset. Maybe it would raise your spirits?” He ducked his head as if getting a better look at me. “Please?”
After what I’d told Alex about Ian last night, I’d hurt him if I had lunch with Ian today.
Plus, Ian clearly wanted to win me back.
It wasn’t right. “No, I’m sorry, but I can’t.
” I stood. Allowing him in here was a mistake, flowers or no flowers.
“You should leave. I can get you a to-go cup for your coffee.”
“No, that’s okay.” He raked his gaze over me. “Are you sure you want me to leave? I can sit with you. We could order in.”
Shaking my head, I mumbled, “No, please go.” I only wanted to be alone now.
“Okay, then.” He picked up his coffee, brought it to the sink, and dumped it. “I’ll see myself out.” As he stopped at the door, he said, “I’m sorry, Julian. If you need me, you know how to find me.” He left, the door clicking behind him as it closed.
With a sigh, I padded toward my bedroom. I’d have to break this funk at some point. This afternoon held meetings and preparations for our first regular-season game at the rink. Would I have time to speak with Alex alone? I’d have to find time. I should tell him in person about Ian’s visit.
I sat in my office between meetings, staring at my computer. I was supposed to update player information for our finalized roster, but my mind kept blanking out and returning to Alex. He was busy with the team, pumping them up for tomorrow.
After entering some data into my laptop, I peered at it. Shit, I’d entered Ace’s data into Gagnon’s. I had to speak with Alex, or I’d never get this done. With a huff, I picked up my phone from the desktop and texted him.
Julian
Hey, when you get a minute, can you come find me? I’m in my office now.
I watched the text as it stayed on delivered. He was obviously too busy to text me back.
After a few minutes, Alex’s voice filtered in from the corridor. “Yeah, give me a minute. I have business with Julian.” He stepped inside my office, his team shirt and joggers pulling tight across his shoulders and thighs. “Hey.” He gave me a warm smile. “Should I shut the door?”
“Uh, yeah.” With my pulse speeding up, I stood and wiped my hands on my slacks. I could fall so easily into his arms once the door shut. But I had to be strong. We were at work with all our past indiscretions staring us in the face.
He closed the door, stepped toward me and placed his hand on my cheek, his gaze scanning my face. “Everything okay?” He pressed a long kiss on my lips.
Apparently, he hadn’t got the memo that kissing in my office was a bad idea. I pulled back. “Hey, I uh, I have something I need to tell you.” Sitting on the edge of my desk, I dipped my head and threaded my fingers together in my lap.
“So, everything is not okay.” His brows furrowed. “Talk to me, Julian.”
With a deep inhale, I said, “Ian came to see me this morning.” I peeked at him.
His gaze hardened. “Oh? What the hell did he want?”
How much should I tell him? I didn’t want to upset him when he needed to focus on the game, even if he wasn’t playing. He needed to prepare the team. “It was more of the same. He pushed for a second chance with me.”
“And you told him absolutely not, right?” Alex stepped closer, straightening his spine. “Right?”
“Yes, of course I did.” As a knot coiled in my gut, I said, “But I told him about us.” He needed to know this part. I shrugged a shoulder. “The only way I could make him stop was to admit I had a boyfriend.”
Alex’s brow twitched. “Yeah?” His shoulders relaxed, and then his eyes widened. “But he knows not to tell anyone else. We can trust him, right?”
“Yes, we can trust him. He’d never out someone in the closet.” I’d leave the rest for another day. My concerns regarding our situation could wait until the games ended, and we had time to breathe.
“Okay, well…” His lips curled into a faint grin. “Since we’re discussing the topic of telling people about us, I came out to my sister today.”
“You did?” The heaviness in my heart lifted. “What did she say?” I hopped off the desk and grabbed his hand. Ian was wrong about Alex. Maybe he would choose me.
His cheeks grew pink. “She said she already suspected it.” He squeezed my hand. “She’s fine with it, like I thought. She’ll run backup for me when I decide to tell my parents.”
“Good, and when do you think?” I hung on his every word. This was big. Our only remaining problem would be my father after Alex came out to his family. Shit, my father and our careers.
“I don’t know yet. It’s like I thought. They might not accept it.” He clamped his jaw shut. “I need time to think it through.” Hanging his head, a ragged breath escaped him.
“Okay. So, your sister thought they might never accept us?” It wasn’t just him.
We were us now. I stepped closer and slid my arm around his shoulders.
I couldn’t imagine this. My father, with all his pressure on me, had been visibly shaken when he’d found out I was gay, but he’d corrected himself and quickly supported me.
“Yes. That’s what I’m facing.” He buried his face in my neck, hooking his arm around my waist. “Give me time, okay?”
“Yes, of course.” Ian was flat-out wrong. Alex would choose me. He already was. It was stupid of me to listen to him. “Thank you, Alex. It means a lot to know you’re considering this.”
With a soft chuckle, he lifted his head and stepped back. “What choice do I have?” His gaze locked onto mine. “I’m not walking away from you.” He opened his mouth and then shut it. “I’m not walking away.”
Rapping sounded on the door. “Hey, Volkov, you’re needed in the media room.
” Mason’s muffled voice said, and then the door opened an inch, his light blue eye visible through the crack.
In a harsh whisper, he said, “Wasn’t sure if I should just barge in.
I was afraid I’d get an eyeful of something untoward.
” With a cackle, he opened the door fully.
“No, we were just finishing up.” With a twinkle in his eye, Alex wagged his brows at Mason.
“I don’t need to know that. Just get your ass out here.” With a scoff, he said, “And I thought only Jett and I made good use of this room.” He strutted away.
“What?” I stared at Alex. Had Jett and Mason used this room for sex before it became my office? “Disgusting.” I stared at the desk's surface. I should have cleaned it better.
“Don’t listen to him. He’s just fucking with you.” Alex squeezed my shoulder. “I’ll see you around.” With a quick grin, he strolled out of the room.