Chapter 48
Lily
Ihaven’t left the hospital for the past two days, refusing to leave Marcus’s side.
The network has put a hold on our negotiations for the expansion thanks to Hunter, and an announcement has been made in the news about what has happened to Marcus.
I’m not sure I can answer the questions that the journalists will throw my way, and I sure can’t do my job right now.
Kai rang Marcus’s parents to tell them what happened.
I don’t know how he managed it because I broke down every time I tried to call.
The doctors said that they were happy to do it, but he took control and did it because they deserve to know and be here.
They arrived yesterday, and Elena wrapped me in such a motherly embrace that I broke down and she did the same.
We held each other, silently crying, until we both were exhausted.
Marcus’s dad, Carlos, came barreling into the family room an hour after Elena and Paulo arrived, and it was like I was looking straight into my future.
Marcus is the spitting image of his dad, but his face has a few laughter lines around his eyes.
He took one look at Elena and took her into his arms.
After our emotional greeting and Dr. Arnold had a chance to explain what’s happening we all took it in turns to sit with Marcus.
We decided that he shouldn’t be alone. The thought of him in that room, with all the wires and tubes, makes my heart ache.
Elena and Carlos are sitting with him right now, Paulo has gone for a walk to clear his head, and Kai has gone to pick up some of my things from my flat that Trixie got ready for me.
I’m here alone with my thoughts as I wait.
My silent phone taunts me as I wait for Fiona to call.
I’ve finally plucked up the courage to speak to her, but I said I wouldn’t be ready for a face to face session, so she suggested we stick to phone calls for now, where we can still be somewhat anonymous.
It would hopefully make me feel more relaxed and be able to open up.
I’m not convinced.
It’s the unknown of what she’s going to ask and bring up. I’m nervous. I have no idea how these things work. Or if it will help at all.
I know she has helped Marcus and Kai, but there is still that niggling feeling in the back of my mind that I’m past help. I’ve left this too late.
But I have to at least try.
My phone lights up in my hand, and I stare down at the screen.
Answer it, Lily. Take this step.
“Hello?” I answer tentatively.
“Hi, Lily, it’s Fiona.” Her soft, calming voice filters through the line.
“Hi, Fiona.” There is a slight wobble in my voice as I answer.
“Please don’t be nervous, we will only go as far as you’re willing. I’ll never ask you to go past your own boundaries. This is your session, not mine.” My muscles unfurl and relax at her words.
“Thank you,” I whisper back.
“Okay, I want you to get the most out of these sessions, and the best way to do that is to try and remember I’m not here to judge. I’m here to guide you and hopefully allow you to see things a little differently, okay?”
“Okay.” I nod even though she can’t see me. Sinking into the cold plastic chair in the family room, I stare out of the window. The sky is bright blue, not a cloud in sight, and I’m instantly transported back to that day in the boat where everything was slotting into place.
“Whenever you’re ready, I want you to tell me what you’re thinking right now.”
“Right now.” I release a shaky breath. “I’m thinking about when everything was so good and right.
I felt on top of the world, but it seems that I can’t have those highs without having even lower lows.
It was only a few days ago I could see my future so clearly, and it was wonderful, and I don’t think I deserved it, which is why this is happening now, to balance out my happiness with misery. ”
“What I’m hearing is you don’t believe you’re allowed to be happy, is that right?”
“Definitely. Why should I get to do the job I love, walk through vineyards with the man I love, or even just live? Why am I allowed to do these when others can’t? I’m nothing special.”
“But you are special to someone. Even if you don’t believe you’re special, someone else does. Where did this feeling come from? How long have you felt like this?” she asks tenderly.
“It’s been there ever since I was sixteen and I…” I trail off because I’m not sure I’m quite ready to tell her about Nelly.
“It’s okay if you’re not ready.” Her calming voice anchors me, and I release a breath.
“You’ve been holding on to this for quite some time, it’s not going to be easy to tell me.
But I’d like to come back to the comments you made about being able to see your future so clearly. Is this the first time?”
“Yes. I’ve kind of been going from day to day all my life, but something has changed lately, and I wanted to imagine what that life would be like.”
“Why did you not allow yourself to think that far ahead?”
“Something always got in my way, so I thought, why dream, because it will only ever be that; a dream.”
“But things will always get in our way. Life is a crazy web of all sorts of experiences, and it’s those experiences that shape us, putting us on a different path that we might not have thought about, when actually, it’s perfect for us.”
I think about the paths that have led me here, led me to Marcus, and she’s right.
If I hadn’t had my accident, I wouldn’t have been working with him.
If Beck hadn’t thrown me in the bath that day, would I have sorted myself out and got the job at the network?
And if I hadn’t been taken ill when I was younger, would I have had the resilience and determination I have now?
“You still there, Lily?” Fiona asks gently.
“Yes, sorry, I was just thinking.”
“And?”
“You’re right; this is my path, no matter what I’m up against. It’s my path, and I’ll follow it wherever it takes me.”
“And where is it taking you?”
“To happiness.”
“Any news?” Kai enters Marcus’s room, taking his seat next to me after he drops a kiss to the top of my head.
“Nope, still the same as yesterday.” I sigh. “But no news is good news and all that.”
“I guess.” He rests his elbows on his knees as he watches his best friend. “And you?”
“Honestly?”
“Of course.”
“Not great today.”
“I thought you had a good session with Fiona yesterday?” He turns to me, but I don’t take my eyes off Marcus.
“I did and felt amazing yesterday, but this morning, I just feel the darkness taking hold. He just looks…” I sigh. “Not like him. He’s gray and dull. Just not my Marcus.”
“I get that. He doesn’t look like him, but he’s still him.”
“I’ve requested another call with Fiona this afternoon. I know I’m spiraling, and I can't. I need to get a hold of myself,” I say defiantly.
“That’s amazing progress already though, Lily. Recognizing that your spiraling is a huge step.” He reaches out to take my other hand that’s not holding onto Marcus for dear life.
“I don’t feel like I’ve made progress. I’m making this about me again.” I squeeze Marcus’s hand, willing for him to squeeze back. “It should be me.”
“No, don't you dare say that. No one’s life is more important than another.”
“I know that.” I groan. “But my brain is telling me otherwise. I’m struggling.”
“I’ve got you, you know that?”
I nod as tears start to well in my eyes.
“When is your call?” He releases my hand as I continue to keep my eyes trained on the man who holds my heart.
“She said she’d call at two.” I sniff.
“Then I’ll stay until you’re done.”
“Tell me why do you feel like you need to swap places with Marcus?” Fiona questions calmly.
“I just have this uncontrollable feeling that I should be the one lying there, not him.” I pull on the strands of my limp locks. I’ve barely taken five minutes to myself since Marcus’s accident, let alone wash my hair. I must look a state.
“Let’s dig into that. Why would that be a better situation?”
“Because he’s a better person than me.”
“What makes you believe that?” Fiona nudges.
“Because I’m not a nice person,” I whisper and close my eyes.
“Why do you believe that?”
Jesus, all these questions, it’s exhausting.
“I’m angry all the time,” I confess.
“That’s a perfectly normal emotion to have, Lily. It doesn't make you a bad person.”
“But she’s gone and I’m not.”
“Who’s gone?”
“Nelly,” I shout.
“Who’s Nelly?” Fiona calmly asks.
I’m quiet for a moment, not believing I’ve just shouted at this woman, and a huge amount of guilt hits me. “She isn’t here anymore.”
“But is that your fault?”
“No,” I admit.
“So why does her death affect you so much?”
“I had leukemia.” This woman really has a way of making me open up.
“Okay, did you want to tell me more about that?”
“I had it twice.”
“And Nelly was she there with you?”
“Yes.”
“Both times?”
“Yes.”
“But she died and you didn’t?”
Swallowing the lump in my throat, I say in a barely there whisper. “Exactly.”
“But her death isn’t on you. Would she want you to feel like this?” Fiona consoles.
“No, she wouldn't, she was the kindest soul.” My voice trembles with every emotion Fiona is dragging out of me.
“And now Marcus is fighting, and you feel like that’s somehow your fault?”
“Yes.” I rub at my chest as it tightens to the point of pain.
“But it isn’t, you understand that, right?”
“Deep down, yes, I do. I know I haven’t caused it, but there’s that voice that keeps telling me that it should be me.”
“And that’s the voice we need to quieten. Because Lily, that isn’t something you can control.”
It’s been ten days since Marcus’s accident, and there’s still no improvement.
Elena, Carlos, and Paulo have been here the whole time, each of them refusing to leave, and I’ve grown to love each and every one of them and their undeniable love for the man I love.
There is no resentment between Carlos and Paulo.
In fact, they act like best friends. Elena explained that her and Carlos were never in love, not the way me and Marcus are.
Yes, they love each other, but it’s not a bond like ours.
Carlos was never going to settle down; it’s just not his nature, and Elena wasn’t going to beg him, so they went their separate ways and have a wonderful friendship.
Hearing their story and how she then went on to meet Paulo is beautiful.
It actually brought a genuine smile to my face; one I’ve not had for days.
I’ve been having daily calls with Fiona to keep my nerves at bay, and they truly are helping.
I’ve felt a huge change since speaking with her.
I’m nowhere near where I need to be, but the way she’s making me look at my life and me as a person is truly helping me to stay in the moment and not spiral.
We talk about Nelly and Marcus, and also my family, and how I feel I’ve let them all down. But she keeps me thinking differently. Makes me look at my life in a completely different light. And she’s given me some techniques to keep hold of my reality.
She really has been a lifeline.
Kai checks in on me daily, and I know he’s also speaking with Fiona as well. This is affecting him more than he’s letting on, but I’m glad he has Fiona to talk to because I’ve not been much help lately.
“Lily? Elena?” Dr. Raven comes through the door into Marcus’s room and smiles warmly at us. She has been working tirelessly with Dr. Arnold, Olivia’s doctor, and it gives us all a small sense of hope that Marcus will pull through, as Olivia is showing remarkable progress. “I’ve some good news.”
My heart rate spikes, and my knees start to bop restlessly. “Good news?”
“Yes. Today's results show significant improvement in Marcus’s brain activity.”
“What does that mean?” I try not to get myself too excited by what she is getting at and swing my gaze to Elena, who is looking back at me with so much hope in her eyes.
“It means that he is fighting.” I turn back to Dr. Raven. “We need to keep monitoring him, but I’m hopeful we can take him off the ventilator tomorrow.” I gasp. “See how he does on his own.”
My heart starts to beat out of my chest. “Really?”
She smiles warmly at us. “I’ll leave you both to process.”
“He’s coming back, Lily. My boy is coming back.” She cups his cheek as tears stream down her face. “Te amo mi tesoro siga peleando.”
I squeeze his hand, bringing it to my lips, kissing him, my lips lingering. “That’s it, baby, keep fighting. You told me that you weren’t done with me, and I’m definitely not done with you. So, you fight. That door is wide open for you to walk through. I’m waiting for you.”