Chapter 16
“I have a girlfriend.”
Jude’s voice startles me. We’ve been at the library working on our Psych project for about half an hour, and Jude’s been uncharacteristically quiet.
Well, uncharacteristic of the Jude I’ve come to know only over the past week and a half, I suppose.
It’s weird to remember we met less than two weeks ago.
I blink up at Jude, waiting for them to continue, but they don’t. “That’s cool! What’s she like?”
Jude shrugs. “Oh, we don’t have to talk about her or anything. I just realized I hadn’t mentioned her yet.”
My gaze drops back to my laptop, then back to Jude again. Jude is watching me expectantly from across the table. I frown. “Well, congratulations! I mean, I’m not surprised. Just felt kind of random for you to announce out of the blue.”
Jude exhales a small laugh. “Fair point. Sorry. I—I guess I’m not…
” they trail off, choosing their words carefully.
“I usually don’t get along so well with guys like you for very long before there’s some weird miscommunication or something.
I just feel like I should make sure you know I’m seeing someone before too much time passes and it’s awkward, you know? ”
I stare at them, confused. “Guys like me? A weird miscommunication? What are you talking about?”
They shift uncomfortably in their chair, dropping their eyes again. “Do I really have to spell it out?”
“That would be nice, yeah,” I reply.
Jude glances back up at me with a strange look on their face before speaking. “I don’t want you to think I’m leading you on or anything. I don’t know. I’ve been friendly with straight guys before, and somehow it always ends with them asking me out.”
My eyebrows shoot up, understanding finally dawning on me. “Ah, okay. Got it. That’s fair. Although I’m not sure I would classify myself as ‘straight’.”
Now it’s Jude’s turn to stare at me in shock. “Oh. Really?”
“I don’t know, man,” I grumble, immediately regretting my words. “I guess I could technically be straight, but I don’t feel straight. It’s…it’s complicated. Forget I said anything.”
Jude chews on their bottom lip. “Okay. I’m sorry for assuming.”
I shrug, hoping this conversation will end soon. “It’s fine. Either way, you don’t have anything to worry about.”
Jude goes quiet again, and when I look back up at them, there’s a furrow in their brow.
“What?” I ask.
“You’re saying I don’t have anything to worry about, because…you’re not into girls?”
My face contorts. “What? No, that’s not—no, I’m saying you have nothing to worry about because I respect you and your boundaries,” I clarify. “It doesn’t matter who I’m into or not into. You’re my friend, and you have a girlfriend. End of story.”
“Oh,” is all I get from Jude.
“Also, I never said I wasn’t into girls.”
“Oh, sorry.”
“But that wouldn’t even matter, because you’re not a girl.”
Jude lets out a soft snicker but won’t look me in the eye. “That’s also true.”
I stare at them incredulously. “Did I do something that made you feel uncomfortable?”
“No, not—” Jude stops, but it’s too late. I know what they were going to say.
“Not yet?”
“I’m sorry, I realized that wasn’t the right way to phrase that,” Jude says, avoiding eye contact again.
I remember what Max said last week when Jude and I first started talking. “Jude doesn’t warm up to people very quickly—especially when it comes to men.”
“The CIS men in Jude’s life have been awful.”
How can I convince them that I’m nothing like those horrible men they’ve dealt with in the past?
That they don’t have to walk on eggshells around me or live in fear that I might interpret our friendship as a means to a sexual end?
I don’t want that. I can’t imagine ever wanting that, because I’ve never wanted it from anyone.
Oh. Well, I guess the truth couldn’t hurt.
With a sigh, I close my laptop and slide it to the end of the table so that I can lean in closer. “Look, Jude. I’m…I think I might be discovering some things about myself that might make you feel better.”
Jude’s brows tightly furrow as they watch me, waiting for me to continue.
Almost immediately, hesitation takes hold.
Am I sure about this? Am I really ready to claim this identity out loud?
I literally learned the word “asexual” five days ago.
What if I’m actually one of those other sexualities I haven’t even learned about yet?
Or maybe I’m not queer at all and I’m merely a straight guy who hasn’t met the right girl yet.
Maybe I’m that other thing—demisexual? But isn’t that also on the ace spectrum?
“Oliver?”
“I barely know her,” I mutter, completely instinctively, and then wince. “Sorry, it slipped out.” I wince again. “That’s what she said.”
Jude’s expression shifts to annoyance. “Are you done?”
“Title of your sex tape?”
“I’m leaving.”
“No, wait,” I plead. “I’m sorry. This is just really weird for me.”
Jude leans in again and waits.
Fuck it.
I inhale, hold my breath, and exhale: “I think I might be asexual.”
Jude blinks a few times until their expression softens into understanding, or at least something like it.
As they process this information in silence, I squirm in my chair. Every cell of my being aches to make another dumb joke, so perhaps more explanation will suffice.
“I don’t know, though. I only learned about it at the EQA meet on Thursday, and while I’ve been doing a little research, I’m still not sure that’s a completely accurate description of…
me. My identity. My…preferences? I don’t know.
But I thought maybe if I told you that, you’d maybe be less worried about me trying to make some move on you.
Although, to be honest, it hurts my feelings a little bit that you can’t trust that I respect you enough not to—”
“Oliver.”
“Sorry, sorry,” I hold my hands up. “I don’t like having serious conversations; they make me nervous. And when I’m nervous, I turn into a rambler.”
“A rambler?” Jude asks.
I stare at them blankly. “Yeah?”
“Rambler?” Jude echoes, then grins. “I hardly know her.”
My jaw hangs open for a moment, and then I erupt into giggles. Jude shushes me, but can barely hold their own laughter, which makes me laugh even harder. We continue this vicious cycle until we’re eventually shushed by some irritated students a few tables away.
Once we’ve finally regained our composure, Jude reaches across the table and takes my hand. “So. Ace, huh?”
“I think so. I’ve been talking to this other girl I met at EQA, and when she described her experience…
It was freakishly similar to mine.” I peer around the library and shake my head.
“If it’s okay with you, though, I’d rather talk about something else for a while.
All this emotional talk has me wanting to peel my skin off. ”
Jude chuckles. “That’s fair.” They squeeze my hand. “Last thing I’ll say is that I appreciate you telling me. It means a lot that you consider me someone you can trust.”
“Oh, for sure,” I say. “I don’t want to sound creepy, but the way we’ve bonded over the past week, I feel close to you. Like I already knew you, somehow, or like we were always supposed to meet and become friends. I don’t know. That sounds almost romantic, but it’s purely platonic, I promise.”
“I believe you,” Jude reassures me with a genuine smile. “I think the feeling is mutual, but I just had to get past the initial discomfort of…well, you know.”
“The fact that I have a penis? Yeah, I know.”
Jude scrunches their face. “Please don’t ruin the moment.”
“Apparently, I can’t help myself. It’s a real problem.”
“Clearly.” Jude pulls away and straightens in their chair. “Now, I guess we should get back to this project, then.”
“If we must.”