Chapter 15
Nikki
Nikki’s texts arrive in the middle of Statistics, and I nearly choke on my spit. It’s a mix of excitement and dread because I was running late this morning and my bedroom is a disaster. But nothing in the world can keep me away from a “stress-relief” visit with Nikki.
Sitting in the second row, I’d rather not be called out by the professor for texting, so I react to Nikki’s text with a heart emoji and plan to reply more eloquently between classes.
But the damage to my attention span is already done—the promise of imminent sex with my girlfriend guarantees that I won’t be able to focus on the rest of this lecture.
It occurs to me that I haven’t felt as clingy over the weekend as I usually do. Nikki, like most other students, works retail on weekends, so I rarely see her more than a couple of times a week. Any chance to see her is precious and rare, and I’ll move mountains for one if I have to.
So, going a whole three-day weekend without feeling unbearably lonely and codependent is rare for me. What changed?
Oliver
not gonna lie, the Moretti EP from the movie last night slaps
especially 35mm
it’s giving creepy uncle that gets a little too lit at the Christmas party
“have I ever told y’all that I used to be in a band?” “yes uncle terry, several times”
As class wraps up, I see Oliver’s messages, exhale a quiet laugh to myself, and shoot him a quick response before heading to my next class.
Jude
Max is going to murder you in your sleep if he hears you listening to that lmao
Oliver
nahhh
he knows it’s a bop
Something about Oliver’s presence makes me feel safe in a way that is very hard to rationalize.
He is, as far as I am aware, a cisgender, straight, nineteen-year-old white man.
Based on experience, that alone should make me uncomfortable.
And yet, Oliver has never once made me apprehensive, uneasy, or afraid.
He’s genuinely kind and friendly. His charm is not unlike Max’s—authentic, endearing, and consistent.
But there’s something more there that I can’t quite put my finger on—a gentle naivety, a protective nature, and an energetic spirit.
Jesus Christ, he really is a fucking golden retriever.
But at the end of the day, I have to remind myself that my intuition has been wrong before, and my history with men proves my instincts aren’t reliable.
Just because I feel safe around Oliver now doesn’t mean he’s any exception.
If he’s anything like the rest of them, he’ll eventually develop feelings for me that I won’t return, and he’ll grow to resent me for “friend-zoning” him.
He’ll interpret my friendship as a prerequisite for a sexual relationship, and when the sex never happens, he’ll accuse me of leading him on.
That’s always been the story, and I would be a fool to let my guard down for this one.
And yet.
Oliver
so I have a probably dumb question for you that has absolutely nothing to do with opus
Jude
oh boy
shoot
Oliver
is Jude your given name? or did you choose it?
Oliver’s question reaches my phone while I’m walking to my next class.
Fortunately, both of today’s classes are in the same building, so I have nearly twenty minutes to kill before the class doors even open.
I find a spot in the hallway outside of the classroom, plop my bag down, and sit cross-legged on the floor.
Jude
that’s not a dumb question
I picked it
Oliver
nice it’s genuinely awesome
Jude
thanks I’m surprised you didn’t know that tbh
I haven’t changed it legally though so my deadname is on most of my paperwork and assignments
Oliver
oh that’s a bummer
I’m pretty sure you can talk to your professors and they can use whatever name you prefer
Jude
nah, it’s not worth the hassle
trust me, it just makes things difficult
Oliver
I don’t think it would be that hard
but it’s your call of course
I think you deserve to be seen for who you are, not just what your paperwork says you are
Jude
you’re sweet
Oliver
I’m just honest
but again, it’s your life, and if you don’t want to deal with it, that’s your choice too
just know that if you ever need help or support or whatever, I’m here for you
Jude
thanks Oliver it means a lot
Oliver
always
Warm affection wraps around me like a blanket, and I can’t suppress the fond smile that spreads across my face. If Oliver is nothing more than another awful man, he definitely has me fooled.
Nikki
sooo is it okay if I show up around 11:45ish?
Shit. I can’t believe I forgot to answer my girlfriend. I reopen the conversation with Nikki and quickly type out my response.
Jude
absolutely! sorry I was in class. I also get out of my next class around then so we can meet at the west entrance
apologies in advance for the state of my bedroom though, this morning was rough haha
Nikki
no judgment at all - 3 day weekends are hard to come back from lol
I think as long as the bed is clear, we should be just fine xx
The mental image that her text conjures sends a fresh wave of arousal over me, but I do my best to distract myself. I have to get through this Art, Society, and Culture class before I can think about how Nikki and I will spend our afternoon.
Maybe I should keep texting Oliver to avoid daydreaming too hard.
Jude
so was Max still grumbling about Opus this morning, or is he over it?
Oliver
hahaha he’s still upset
he ranted to Theo about it the whole walk to class
Jude
lmaoooo
poor Theo
Oliver
I had to put my earbuds in to tune them out
and so I could listen to 35mm on repeat because it’s a fucking banger
Jude
lmao amazing
I find Nikki outside the west entrance of The Eidola Village—the striking contrast of her creamy white skin, jet-black hair, and tattoos makes her easy to spot from a distance—and call out to her.
She turns and flashes me a gorgeous, toothy grin, and my stomach flips with excitement.
After a brief exchange, we enter the building together, ride the elevator in relative silence, and practically sprint down the hall to room 714.
I fumble for my keys, unlock the door, and within seconds, Nikki has me pinned against the wall before the door fully shuts.
“Finally,” Nikki exhales, pressing her lips into mine.
I gasp at the contact, my entire being engulfed with desire. We continue kissing against the wall—it’s frantic, messy, and even aggressive at times, but god, I never want it to stop. “What do you want to do?” I manage once her mouth moves down to my neck.
She begins unbuttoning my shirt. “I have a few ideas,” she rasps into my chest as she continues moving down my torso.
A desperate whimper escapes my throat, and she chuckles darkly against my stomach.
“Bed,” Nikki commands. “Now.”
I enthusiastically and eagerly obey.
“Fuck, I needed that.”
I laugh, still catching my breath. “Same.”
Nikki releases a long, contented sigh. “Jude, holy fuck, you’re really good at what you do, you know that?”
My cheeks burn. “I try.”
Nikki giggles. “You succeed.”
“You’re not so bad yourself, you know.”
“I know, but it’s different,” Nikki continues, rolling over on her stomach and propping her head up with her arms. “I’ve had a lot of practice. With other female bodies.”
I nod, trying to ignore my flare of jealousy for all the bodies that came before mine.
“Are you sure I’m your first?”
My cheeks darken again. “You’re my first female-bodied person, yes. I’m quite sure.”
“Damn. Then you’re a natural.” She smirks. “See? It’s like I said: you were destined to be a lesbian.”
The term “lesbian” admittedly doesn’t feel quite right, since I’m not a girl myself, but I have no desire to argue. “Apparently so,” I concede.
“Which makes me a very, very lucky lesbian to have you.”
My heart threatens to pound out of my chest if I don’t kiss her, so I do. Nikki cups my chin as our lips slide together, and my fingers weave through her unbelievably soft hair.
A few moments of bliss pass before she reaches for her phone and groans. “Ugh, I should probably get going soon.”
“Really? Were we seriously at it for that long?” I also retrieve my phone to see that it’s already a quarter past one. “Damn.”
“Like I said,” Nikki says as she slips out of the bed. “You’re really good.”
I notice an unread text message from Oliver and open it without a second thought.
Oliver
we smashin’ this afternoon?
or are you busy?
I snicker at his innuendo, but the invitation to play Smash Bros. is enticing.
Jude
I’ve got a little bit of homework to do but maybe after dinner?
Oliver
no prob! I think Max is cooking so I’m sure you’re invited to eat with us too if you want, but don’t quote me on that
“Who are you texting?”
I glance up from my phone to see Nikki buttoning up her shorts. “Oh, it’s just Max’s roommate, Oliver.”
Nikki’s nose scrunches in confusion. “Why?”
“He hangs out with us in Max’s dorm a lot, so he’s becoming one of my friends, too. We’re also in the same psych class, so we’ve partnered up for a project.”
Nikki’s expression morphs into irritation. “Is he straight?”
“I think so, but he’s never said.”
“So that means yes.”
I frown. “No, it doesn’t.”
She scoffs. “Babe. It does.”
Bemused, I shake my head. “Okay, so, let’s assume he’s straight. What does that matter? I’m gay.”
“But does he know that?”
I open my mouth to reply, then it hits me. “Wait, are you jealous?”
Now she looks angry. “Of a straight man? Absolutely not.”
“Good, because he knows I’m only into girls. I know because we talked about it.”
“You talked about it, and yet you don’t know if he’s straight?”
“It was a weird conversation that involved a lot of people, so, no, I don’t remember if he ever definitively—”
“Jude, honey, that’s fucking weird. Please tell me you can see that that’s weird.”
“No, you just weren’t there, so you don’t know the context. He’s actually a really sweet guy.”
Nikki barks a sarcastic laugh. “Oh, baby, no, he’s already tricked you.”
“Nikki, you’ve never even met him—”
“I don’t need to meet him! He’s a straight man. That’s all I need to know to know he’s a selfish, disgusting piece of garbage.”
I gape at her. “Okay, wow. What the hell?”
Nikki glares at me. “I thought we were on the same page. You told me your story, and I’ve told you mine. We’ve both fallen victim to—”
“Yeah, but that doesn’t mean that all men are evil pigs!”
“Are you seriously ‘not all men’-ing me right now?”
My jaw hangs open as I struggle to think up a reply, but I come up empty.
After a beat, Nikki takes a deep breath. “Shit. Well, this subject is clearly a trigger for me, so I think I’m going to head out.”
“Nikki, wait.”
Her eyes meet mine, and she stills.
“I’m sorry,” I say, reaching for her hand. “I didn’t mean to upset you.”
Nikki pulls her lips tight, closes her eyes, and squeezes my hand. “It’s okay. I’m sorry I reacted so defensively.”
We sit in silence for a few moments. This escalated so quickly, and from what? The fact that Oliver and I are friends? That I don’t think Oliver is as bad as the monsters Nikki and I were victims of?
“Does this Oliver guy know about me?” Nikki asks softly.
I start to say yes, but I hesitate. Have I mentioned Nikki to Oliver? Surely, I have, but I can’t remember a specific instance. “I’m almost positive he does.”
Nikki’s bright blue eyes bore into mine. “I thought you said you wanted us to be serious.”
I nod vigorously. “I do! I really do. That’s why I’m sure I’ve mentioned you before, but I’ll definitely bring you up the next time we talk. I promise.”
Nikki doesn’t look satisfied, but she releases my gaze. “The sooner the better. Before he starts catching feelings.”
She’s right. It’s something I’ve known I needed to do, and I’m not sure why I haven’t. “I know. And I will.”
“Okay.”
An uncomfortable quiet drapes over us again. I shouldn’t try to push my luck, but I’m afraid this conversation is about to end on a horrible note, and I need a little bit of hope to get through the rest of the week.
Here goes nothing.
“You really should come hang out with us—all of us—sometime.”
Nikki doesn’t move or speak, so I continue.
“Like, maybe come to an EQA event with us this month. The Eidola Queer Alliance? They host a lot of different—”
“Why would Straight Boy come to an EQA event?”
My shoulders slump. “Oh, well, he might not. He went to the first one with Max and their other roommate because he’s bi. The bi guy wanted Oliver there for moral support. They’re like childhood friends.”
“Hm.”
“Or maybe come to one of Max’s movie nights,” I press. “It would mean a lot to me, and to them.”
Nikki sighs. “Maybe. When is the next movie night?”
“I’ll ask him and text it to you,” I vow. “Max also offered to cook for you if you want. His sister is a vegetarian, so he knows a lot of good recipes.”
“Okay,” Nikki says, a bit more energy in her voice. “That sounds nice.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
I hold my arms out for an embrace, and Nikki accepts. “I’m really sorry about the Oliver thing. We’re working on our project at the library tomorrow, so I’ll be direct and set things right tomorrow.”
“Okay. And I’ll try to be a little less misandrist for movie night,” Nikki says, her lips curling up into a half smile.
“I’ll make sure they’re on their best behavior.”
Nikki and I stand, and Nikki starts gathering her belongings. “Do I get a say in what movie we watch?” she asks.
“Sure! Do you have something in mind?”
“We should watch Barbie.”
I snicker. “That’s one of Max’s favorite films of all time.”
“Oh, I don’t doubt that. I just want to watch Straight Boy watch it.”
“You know, I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s already seen it and loved it.”
“Ugh,” Nikki groans. “We’ll see.”