Chapter 14
“Okay, listen up,” Max announces. “Now that everyone’s here, I’m going to go over the rules one more time, allow an opportunity for questions and final remarks, then we’ll press play, okay?”
In fact, Jude and I have been spending most of the three-day weekend hanging out, either playing Smash Bros.
or watching TV. Not alone, of course—Max and Celeste are never far away, either enjoying sitcoms with us or chatting casually while Jude and I play video games.
Vimlesh has also joined us for a round or two, usually retreating to his room when Jude and I get too competitive (which is fairly often).
When Theo returned from Specter a few hours ago, he was excited to have a new Smash Bros.
contender. I can’t believe how fast the weekend flew by.
“Hey, are you sure you don’t want the couch?” Jude whispers to me. “Celeste and I don’t even live here, and yet we’re on the couch, and you’re on the floor.”
“Don’t worry about it,” I reply, waving my hand dismissively. “Is it okay if I lean against the armrest, though?” I demonstrate, trying not to touch Jude’s bare leg.
“As long as you accept the risk that I might accidentally kick or knee you,” Jude says with a smirk, bonking their leg into my shoulder.
I grin up at them before bumping them back. “I think I can manage.”
“Are you two quite finished?” Max asks, arms crossed.
“Yep, sorry,” I mutter, facing forward again. I glance over at Theo, who is watching me curiously.
Max proceeds. “Rule number one: no excessive talking. A little commentary now and again is fine, but please don't yap or carry on a sidebar conversation. Number two: no phones. The bright lights are distracting, and I will take it personally if you’re so bored that you have to occupy yourself with something else. Number three: if anyone needs to use the bathroom, we will pause the movie, but keep in mind that if we pause every 10 minutes, it’ll take 3 hours to finish.
“Now, are there any questions before we start?”
I raise my hand. “What are we watching again?”
Max pinches the bridge of his nose. “It’s called Opus. It’s a mystery thriller that did not receive positive critical reviews, but Ayo Edebiri is the star, so the critics are clearly wrong.”
Hesitantly, I raise my hand again. “Can we turn on captions?”
Max rolls his eyes. “I guess that’s fine.”
“My auditory processing disorder thanks you,” I say, clasping my hands together.
“I also thank you,” Vimlesh chimes in. “They help me, as well.”
“Hell yeah, caption bros!” I reach my fist across the floor to Vimlesh, and he softly bumps it.
Theo’s hand goes up. “Have you seen this movie, Max?”
“I have not, hence the rules,” Max says. “I wasn’t able to see it in theaters, so I need this to be as pure a viewing experience as possible.”
“Has anyone here seen it?” Celeste asks, glancing around.
No one answers.
“Okay, nice,” Max says. “So, we’re all going in mostly blind. Excellent! Okay, are we ready?”
I give a thumbs up and settle back against the armrest. Jude nudges me with their leg, and I nudge back.
“Good. Let’s go!”
About an hour into the movie, my phone vibrates in my pocket. Shit, I forgot to put it on silent. I stealthily slide it out of my shorts pocket to see the notification.
Oh. It’s from Quinn.
I texted her a question about her asexual experience several hours ago and completely forgot about it.
Over the last few days, any time that I haven’t been spending with Jude or my other friends, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about the EQA meet.
Asexuality. Demisexuality. The gray-ace spectrum.
I intended to do some light research right away, but I’ve been procrastinating.
Not because I’m lazy, which is usually the reason I procrastinate—this time, I think I’m hesitant to dive more into these identities on my own because, if I’m honest, it feels too real.
Too heavy. Too monumental. I’ve spent most of my adolescence avoiding labels and identities—why do I care now?
Well, now, there might be a label that actually fits. And that’s kind of scary.
I stare at the unopened text for a few more seconds before shoving my phone back into my pocket.
Do I really want to interrupt the movie for everyone only to see if Quinn’s experience is at all similar to mine?
No. It can wait. I’ve already spent nineteen years feeling like a freak—what’s another hour or two?
“Can we pause?” Celeste whispers. “Sorry, hon’, I have to pee.”
Max gives her a soft “mhm” and pauses the movie.
“I’m going to try to pee, too,” Theo says after Celeste disappears into Max and Vimlesh’s bathroom. “This movie is crazy!”
“Right?!” Max exclaims. “God, I’m locked the fuck in.”
My phone vibrates in my pocket again.
“Dude, same,” Jude agrees, turning to face Max. “I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: critics are stupid.”
“Hey, watch it,” Max warns. “I’m going to be a film critic one day.”
“Well, just don’t be one of the stupid ones,” Jude counters.
While they chat, I check my phone. It’s another text from Quinn. The preview reads, “Sorry for such a long reply. I hope this helps!”
Shit. I have to read it.
“Hey, I’ll be right back,” I say, heaving myself off the floor. Jude frowns at me as I step over Vimlesh and head toward my bedroom.
“Both bathrooms are occupied,” Vimlesh calls out to me.
“Oh, no, I’m good, I just have to check something.” I wave my phone, then step into my bedroom, leaving the door cracked a few inches. I open the text conversation from the beginning and read.
Oliver
hey Quinn - this is Oliver. we met at the EQA meeting last week.
Quinn
Hi, Oliver! How are you?
Oliver
I’m good
I have another question for you if that’s okay
you’re just the only asexual person I’ve met, at least that I know of
Quinn
Sure! Ask away!
Oliver
how did you know you were ace and not just a gay/straight/bi person who hadn’t found someone special yet?
Quinn
Super valid question! Bear with me as I take some time to type this all out…
Oliver
sure, take your time!
Quinn
People think that aaaaallllll the time—that I just “haven’t found the right person yet.
” But I’ve known something was different about me since I was a preteen.
My friends started talking about having crushes and dating in middle school, and I just didn’t get it.
They told me that once I met the right person, I’d understand, but it just never happened.
In high school, I thought something was wrong with me because guys would ask me out, and I didn’t understand why they weren’t satisfied with being “just friends”.
Dating complicated things, and sex grossed me out.
I used to think people were joking when they described physical attraction.
I eventually concluded that either I was a really late bloomer, or that I was simply broken.
But once I started at Eidola and landed in the EQA, I learned about asexuality, and everything began to make sense.
I found others who shared my experiences and understood me in ways no one else ever had.
I no longer felt ashamed or defective for not experiencing attraction the way everyone else did.
I finally felt like I belonged somewhere.
Sorry for such a long reply. I hope this helps!
“Oliver?” Theo’s voice comes from the other side of my bedroom door.
I rapidly blink the tears out of my eyes and wipe my face. Shit, shit, shit. “Yeah?”
Before I can stop him, Theo pokes his head inside. As soon as our eyes meet, his eyes go wide. “You okay, man?”
“Yep, all good,” I say, cramming my phone back into my pocket. “Sorry, had to, uh, check something.”
Theo stands frozen in my doorway with brows furrowed. “Hey, what’s going—”
“Nothing, I’m fine,” I insist, flashing him a wide smile. “Are we ready to keep watching?”
“We’re all waiting on you, dude,” Max shouts.
Theo is unfazed and keeps staring at me. “Oliver, if you need a minute—”
“Nah, let’s go!”
I gently push past Theo, giving him a reassuring pat on the back in hopes that it conveys we’re moving on, because I can’t handle a serious face-to-face conversation right now.
Theo recovers a moment later, following me back into the living room to return to our seats.
Fortunately, Jude and Celeste are chatting quietly around Max, so they haven’t noticed anything out of the ordinary.
Theo, on the other hand, can’t stop watching me with that pitying, concerned look, so I keep my gaze fixed on the TV.
“Sorry about that,” I say to Max. “Ready when you are!”
“Okay, here we go,” Max announces.
The movie resumes, and eventually it regains Theo’s full attention, so it’s off me. Sadly, though, I struggle to focus for the rest of the film.
Quinn’s texted words bounce through my head over and over.
My friends started talking about having crushes and dating in middle school, and I just didn’t get it.
I thought something was wrong with me.
I used to think people were joking when they described physical attraction.
I eventually concluded that either I was a really late bloomer, or I was simply broken.
Holy shit.
I think I’m asexual.