9. Chapter Nine #2
My brain is trying to compute this information like I’m trying to solve a difficult math equation, and I’m good at math, so it shouldn’t take me this long. But this is not a math problem. This is a much bigger problem than that.
This is another bad judgment call for me when it comes to guys. I picked the one I thought was good for me, the one who seemed interested in me, flirted with me, smiled at me, and made me feel like a teenager again. The one who kissed me like I was the only girl in the world.
Just like I picked Billie. The one man I thought I would spend forever with. And look at how we ended up.
In my mind, I hear the Jonas Brothers song “Backwards.” It’s the one I hear sometimes blaring from Will’s headphones as we pass each other in the kitchen. I think of it now, out of nowhere. And I think I finally understand it. I feel like I’m going backwards too.
How can I keep messing up when it comes to dating and love? How can I keep falling for the same excuses, the same lies, and the same old tricks? And just when I thought he could be the one... here we go again.
Am I mad? No. I wasn’t in love with George like I’d been with Billie all those years ago. But I liked George. I got caught up in the idea of him. I forgot to look both ways before I crossed the street into new territory.
“Please say something.” Lydia touches my arm, shaking me a little and jostling my thoughts.
“Thanks for telling me,” I finally say, unsure of how to respond to this. “Everyone kept saying he was trouble, and I just ignored all the signs.”
“He’s a walking red flag, sis,” Lydia says.
We both burst into laughter. I can’t help it. She’s right. I was being delusional, but in my defense, he was good pretending to be the man I needed.
Then a thought pops into my mind.
I remember George visiting the cafe with Charlotte Lucas. She seemed put off by him talking with me and she left early. I’d forgotten that little detail because when George Wickham looked at you with those eyes, it was easy to get lost in them.
“What’s with all the noise?” Mary yawns, leaning on the doorframe. She gazes at us, her heavy eyelids making her look like she could be sleepwalking. “I have work in the morning at the university library.”
“I have to get up for work too, Mary,” I say with a sigh. “You’re not the only one here with a grown-up job.”
She glares at me. “But I am the one you woke up. You better be glad that Kitty is a sound sleeper or she would so mad. So, what’s going on? What’s so funny?”
“I almost ended up in a relationship with a man who hit on our sister.” I nod toward Lydia for emphasis, a deadpan expression on my face.
Mary’s once heavily lidded eyes are now wide open in shock. She walks into the room and sits on my bed next to Lydia.
“Okay, I’m awake now. I need to hear this story from the very beginning, and don’t leave out a single detail,” she says.
I tell Mary the story with Lydia’s help.
Mary admits that she and Kitty also had concerns about Wickham, but they were unsure if the rumors about him were true.
We laugh until we cry and decide that maybe becoming old maids who never marry isn’t such a bad thing, though we don’t actually believe that.
After my sisters have gone to bed, I know I have to text Nic and Jane to let them know what’s going on.
Me: You’ll never guess who texted me tonight.
Nic: Who?
Me: Your boy Will.
Jane: What do you mean? That’s your boy.
Me: Well, you both were definitely rooting for him. You thought that he and I would be a good match and have chemistry. So that’s why I’m saying he’s your boy. But after tonight, he may be jobless, so pray for him.
Nic: Wait... why are you firing him? What’s going on?
Jane: Yes, you have some explaining to do. You can’t just text something like that with no context.
Me: Tell me why this man texted me and asked to become business partners. Like, who does he think he is?
Nic: How is this a bad thing?
Jane: Yeah, please help us understand what’s going on here.
Me: What do you mean? How is this a bad thing? That man came to town looking to start his own business. And when he didn’t get it, he settled for a job with me. Like I don’t see right through him.
Nic: Are you sure he wasn’t offering for a different reason? Did you talk to him about this?
Me: Girl, why are you defending this man?
Nic: No, I’m not defending him. I’m just saying he doesn’t seem like the type to undermine you.
I mean, Lizzie, come on. I don’t think he would treat you like that.
But that’s just my opinion. My fiancé is literally one of his best friends.
Jay wouldn’t be best friends with somebody who was trifling.
Jane: Yes, I agree. Edward is also a good judge of character, and he speaks highly of Will.
I know that you two get on each other’s nerves, but Nic is right.
Even if you aren’t a couple… which you’ve made very clear…
you definitely have chemistry. Whether that chemistry comes from working well together, being good friends, or becoming great business partners.
I think we’re just saying to not throw him away without understanding why he’s asking you that.
Nic: I don’t know if I could have said it any better myself.
Me: Why do y’all have to be so wise and try to get me to do the right thing when I just want to vent and do whatever I want?
Jane: Because we’re your best friends, and we love you, obviously.
Nic: That, and we know that you work so hard. And Will has been there to help you over the last handful of months. I just don’t want you to push him away because you may be scared.
Me: Who says I’m scared?
Jane: Honestly, I think Nic knows a lot more about this than we do.
Nic: I’d be offended if that wasn’t true because we all know what happened to me last year.
You both know how hard it was for me to let go of what I thought I wanted.
That, on top of being reunited with Jay...
honestly, I couldn’t have gone through all of that without God and without you all.
I don’t know what’s going on between you and Will, but I do know that you two have something special.
I just don’t want you to throw it all away before you figure out exactly what that is.
Jane: I’d say pray about it. All I know is we love you so much, and we just want the best for you.
Nic: And no matter what, we are here for you.
Me: Thank you. I love you both so much. Goodnight for now. I’ll update you on my not-so-fabulous life tomorrow.
I want to cry as look at my phone screen.
I think about how Nic’s life changed last year. She finally moved back home and got back together with Jay.
I remember how hurt she was at first and how scared she was. But I got to watch one of my best friends go from being scared to live her life to living the life of her dreams with the man of her dreams.
I watched God turn her life around. He changed her whole story and worked all things together for her good. And I remember being so confident and excited for her.
I prayed for her and encouraged her. I believed wholeheartedly that God was going to show up for her. I knew there was more for her, but I also knew she would have to see it for herself.
I remember all of that. But here I am, and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to feel, and I don’t know how to respond to any of this. I don’t feel so strong, encouraging, and confident anymore as I put my phone away and drift off into a troubled sleep.