10. Chapter Ten
Chapter Ten
Will
Small group is always one of my favorite times during the week. Going to a Bible study with a smaller group feels more intimate to me. Selah Church, with its big, wide-open space, modern design, and welcoming atmosphere, is just what I need tonight.
I walk in with Jay and Edward. We just left the inn, and Jay keeps trying to remember that one word he forgot when he got stuck during the last few rows of his word search. Edward indulges him while I listen and stifle my laughter.
Jay is a writer, so he takes words seriously and doesn’t like when he can’t finish his word searches. Edward is very chill about the word searches and just has a good time with them.
I, on the other hand, am secretly competitive with my word searches and pride myself on being quick-witted and able to finish my word search the fastest out of the group, but I don’t rub it in.
“I know you’re laughing at me,” Jay says, side-eyeing me, which only makes me laugh even though I was trying not to. “I’m kicking you out of Word Search Wednesdays.”
Our weekly gathering began as a way to bond over a shared love of word searches, conversation, and picking the brains of wise older men like Jay’s dad, Mr. Gatsby, who used to own the inn before passing it on to George Wilson. Mr. Gatsby still stops by the inn every now and then.
Jay got me into word searches because I needed something to help with the homesick feeling I was battling during my first few months here.
It distracted me from what I was going through and gave me something to look forward to every Wednesday night before Bible study.
Now it’s our thing. I appreciate things like that, the little traditions that make Selah Falls feel more like home.
I walk with the guys, joking and laughing in hushed tones as we move toward the front with everyone else. I greet the rest of the group, which includes a few other townspeople around our age.
Jane sits cross-legged on the floor in front of the podium, waving at us. I wave back, feeling like this is exactly where I need to be. Lizzie and Nic look over and wave too.
Well, Nic waves and smiles at us, her smile lingering as she looks at her fiancé, who walks over to give her a quick kiss on the cheek. Lizzie’s smile fades when she sees me, and she turns away.
Ouch.
That stings, even though I’ve already survived a whole day of her ignoring me at work and barely saying more than one sentence to me. Still, I don’t like that we’re somehow not on speaking terms anymore after I sent her that text last night. I wish I could take it back.
I wish I could tell her that I didn’t mean anything by it. She’s been a huge part of why staying in Selah Falls has been possible for me in the first place, so why can’t she support me now? Especially when it’s a plan that helps both of us.
I move to sit next to her, but she places her Bible on the chair beside her, ignoring me once again.
So instead, I sit next to Jay and Edward on the opposite side of Lizzie, near Nic.
I can’t deal with this now, not when Jane is opening up her Bible and inviting all of us to do the same.
Not when she prays for us to move every distraction out of the way and focus on God, asking Him to join our Bible study and open His Word to us.
Not when tonight’s lesson is about trusting in the promises of God.
And I’m thinking about how I do trust Him. I think about being here in Selah and about the home I left behind. The family I left behind. The life I left behind in Chicago.
One of the key verses Jane highlights comes from Lamentations 3:22-23: It is of the Lord’s mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not. They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness.
I think about those words. My mind mulls over them, but my heart feels the pain, the echo of everything I’ve been trying to escape.
Sure, I left home behind. But I’m still in limbo here in Selah, trying to figure out what comes next. I have money, but it’s not even mine. It’s my parents’ money.
I was supposed to have my own business, to use my rich-boy beginnings as a way to build something for myself.
Yet here I am, a twenty-seven-year-old Black man living in a small town, staying at an inn, working at a cafe, and pretending my life is going well while my parents are threatening to cut me off and leave me penniless.
How can I trust in God’s promises when my life feels like such a mess? Why would I trust in Him when this is where I’ve ended up, anywhere but where I thought I’d be by now? Can I depend on these new mercies when every day feels like a gamble?
Can I trust in His compassion for me when my own family can’t even love me for who I am? Can I rest in His faithfulness and know that He will make a way for me?
I don’t know. But I want to believe it. I want to trust God. My logic wrestles with my faith as I listen to the rest of the Bible study. Too many thoughts flood my mind, and there’s a war going on within me, pulling me in every direction.
Maybe I should just take all the money out of my accounts and move somewhere else. Maybe God can bless me somewhere far away from here. Maybe I can still open my own bakery with my trust fund. Why wait on God? I can do this on my own.
What if Lizzie is trying to hold me back and keep me working for her? Should I buy the cafe and show her, and my family, that I can do this? That I deserve my own business?
When small group comes to an end and we have a moment of silent reflection, the chaotic thoughts cause me to feel anxious and unlike myself.
I’m out of sorts, desperate, and grasping at straws. What happened to me? I used to be sure of my faith and know who I wanted to be. Now I’m losing myself, losing hope, and losing sight of what matters.
Overwhelmed, I close my eyes, bow my head, and offer a silent prayer: Lord, You’ve been good to me.
You’ve been better to me than I deserve.
I’ve lived a privileged life and have taken it for granted for so long.
But I want to do better, to believe in You more, and to trust You.
I don’t know how to handle what’s going on in my life, with my family, or with my dreams. But I’m trying.
Please help me. Please guide me. Please bless me.
Please forgive me of my sins and for my ignorance in trying to do this life without You. I need You. In Jesus’ name, amen.
When Bible study ends and I overhear Lizzie telling Nic and Jane that she has to stop by the cafe to work on something, I know what I have to do. I need to make things right with her.
That’s the least I can do. I may not be ready to talk to my family yet, but I can talk to her. At least I can try.
***
The cafe is deserted when I pull up in my black Jeep, except for one other car outside, the only other black Jeep I’ve ever seen in town, which belongs to Lizzie.
Mine is a newer model than hers, but I’ve always appreciated how hers looks vintage in a cool way. I park next to her and head to the cafe’s back door, using my key to unlock it.
I slip in through the back, walking through the supply area before passing through the door that leads to the hallway outside her office, right next to the kitchen.
Her office door is cracked open slightly.
She is looking down at a stack of papers on her desk.
I knock on the door and hear her yelp from inside.
“Do you have a death wish?” Lizzie asks as the door creaks open.
“I didn’t mean to scare you.” And it’s true. I really didn’t mean to scare her. But watching her clutch her chest, breathe rapidly as she tries to calm herself down, and hold a pen like a weapon, I almost burst out laughing.
“And what were you going to do with that? You were planning to stab me with your pen?”
“Well, maybe if you were an actual intruder,” she says, putting her pen down with a heavy sigh. She places a folder on top of the papers she was looking at before I knocked. “Anyway, that doesn’t matter. What are you even doing here, Darcy?”
“I came to talk to you.” I enter the office, ready to fix things with her.
“Yeah, well, you could have texted me instead of just showing up here out of the blue. We both know how good you are at texting.”
Okay, I guess I deserve that. I know she’s referring to what I texted her last night. But all she sent me was No, and then, of course, she spent all day at work hardly speaking to me. Then she did the same thing at Bible study.
“Lizzie, please let me explain.”
I know the exact moment her expression changes. It’s like I’ve caught her off guard. It’s so slight, but I can’t help noticing it.
She’s not used to me being so serious or calling her by her name like that. Usually I throw in a “Boss Lady” or make a joke. But I think we’re past that now. I think I need to take a step back and be honest with her so she understands where I am coming from.
“Can you just tell me why?” she asks before I’m able to say anything. “Why would you ask me to be business partners? Were you plotting this all along? Did you even really want to work here with me?”
I move farther into her office and take a seat in one of the chairs in front of her desk.
She’s sitting behind her desk, so we face each other.
I take a deep breath, letting a moment pass before I respond because I want to make sure I answer this the right way.
I can see where she’s coming from and why she would think I have been plotting this the entire time.
Honestly, I haven’t been. I’ve enjoyed working here.
I have a lot of responsibilities, but I appreciate being able to come here, have a job, and work somewhere I feel valued. I never felt that back home working for my dad. Here, I’m a member of the team, and Lizzie is one of the only people who really saw something in me and took a chance on me.
But how do I say that without sounding sappy and sentimental? How do I open up without telling her all of my family business and everything I’ve been going through? Is it even possible to tell her any of this without spilling some of my secrets?
Maybe I’ve been quiet too long because she starts tapping her fingers against the desk while she waits. I know it’s my turn to speak. I’m just not sure where to start.
“Well,” I say slowly, “I have to admit that this is hard for me. I don’t let a lot of people in, so I’m telling you this because I trust you. I think we could really help each other. I’m in a very sticky situation. I’m about to lose all of my money if I don’t do something with it before it’s gone.”
“You’re about to lose all of your money?” she asks, her expression changing from impatience to concern. “What’s going on?”
“It’s complicated. I’ve been trying to figure out what I want to do with the money.
I need a place to live here in Selah permanently because I want to stay here.
When I came here, I also wanted to open my own bakery.
Sometimes I still think about it. But partnering with somebody like you, especially after seeing your work ethic...
we’re both ambitious, and I think we’re more alike than we’d like to admit.
We work well together, and from watching you, I know running this business isn’t always easy.
I know I’m ready to take on the responsibility of investing this money into something I care about.
I care about this place, Lizzie. I care about you.
I want to stay here but I need a reason to prove to my parents that I can.
I need them to allow me to keep my inheritance and to let me live my life in peace.
I want to change my life. I want to change your life too, Lizzie.
So I really think we should consider...”
I trail off because she’s looking at me so intently.
I think I understand her now. The other day, she told me she needed a fake boyfriend because of everything going on with her family and her ex-fiancé.
I thought she sounded like she was losing it, but she was trying to hold everything together. Now I understand that feeling. Because that’s exactly how I feel.
“Just say it,” she says. “I know you are holding something back, Darcy.”
“I think we should become business partners...and I also think we should fake date each other.”