20. Ellie
Cedrick walks into the kitchen adjusting the sleeves of his jacket. He looks so sharp in the suit, my teacup almost misses my lips looking at him.
“You’re leaving?” I ask after a sip. “I thought we’d spend the day together.”
“Morning to you, too. How are you?”
“Wonderful! Thank you.” I flash him a bright smile.
“I wish we could spend the day together. But the work of a prince is never done. I have a few more meetings with Ishmael and the palace staff about some family land, nothing big. You”re sure you’ll be fine? Any plans for today?”
Hmm. Let”s see. Worrying about this no-show pregnancy and stressing over how I feel about you.
I nod, quickly grasping for an actual answer. “Liza asked me to help her with something this week. I need to check my calendar to confirm.”
“Oh, good. So you won”t be bored without me.” He grabs a piece of toast from the table and starts to leave, blowing me a kiss.
“True. I don’t know how I managed before I met you.” I blow him a kiss back, and he catches it.
I sink deeper into the chair and stare down at my empty belly, trying to will a baby to materialize so that it could occupy my thoughts instead of Cedrick.
I hear his car start and pull out of the long driveway. “See you later,” I whisper.
Liza confirms our plans to plan for the autism fundraiser, and I’m glad I remembered correctly. I can’t blame pregnancy brain yet. And it’ll distract me from my uncertain feelings about Cedrick, and maybe I can ask Liza for some advice.
“I saw him the other day at the palace,” she tells me. I immediately want to ask if he talked about me, but I don’t want to risk finding out he didn’t.
“How did he seem?”
“A little stressed? But good.”
Stressed because of me? I vow not to ask her more questions, although I’m dying to follow up. No, Ellie. You’re already making yourself crazy.
In the days leading up to the school event with Liza, I actually run into Cedrick at the palace more times than I see him at home. I feel like I just saw my crush in the hallway, and I want to hide in a locker.
“I thought I recognized that head of hair,” I say when I nearly crash into him in one of the large halls.
He has a phone plastered to his ear but turns around and holds a finger up at me. I desperately want to run my hands through his locks.
“A clinic without bandages is like a trail full of ditches. Both are impossible to run. So maybe let”s consider switching suppliers for now. Alright, we’ll talk soon.” He pops the phone into his pocket and looks at me.
There”s an awkward silence as he mulls over something.
“Another princely matter to attend to? More land distribution?”
“This time it’s a philanthropy conversation about the royal trust. How about you?”
“Planning an event for a special-needs school with Liza and some of the staff. And now about to head home. Anything you want for dinner?”
“About that. I’ll be a bit late coming home. Do you mind too much?”
I steady my insides with deep intakes of breath. “Of course not. Completely understandable.”
“Maybe we could order in. Thanks, Ellie. You’re great.” He turns around, and I hear him saying hello to someone on the phone as he walks away.
Nothing about the way he leaves me there alone feels like I”m great. And everything about his cavalier demeanor upon seeing me thrashes at my heart.
Maybe I really am building this up too much.I hold back the tears until I’m at home. I’ve been so consumed with confusion about how I feel about him, and how he feels about me, if he feels anything at all, that I’ve been unable to make much of a dent in all the work I have to do.
Thank God for the event with Liza. Otherwise, I really would be going crazy obsessing about him.
The morning of the event,I realize just how ragged I’ve been running when I look in the mirror. I barely recognize myself. I have hollows under my eyes, and my skin looks ashy.
Not even a cold water cleanse revives my tired face. I’m hoping makeup will disguise my sorry state, but they haven’t invented cosmetics that effective yet.
“Cedrick must think I look terrible. God. If he’s even noticed.” Cedrick is already gone for the day for an early-morning meeting, and I have to be at the school by noon.
I pick out the dress I had in mind and look at the mirror in horror.
“When did I lose all this weight? And in all the wrong places.”
My arms hang out to the side as I twirl and turn. The dress hangs on me like a bag on a stick. Not flattering at all, but there’s not much I can do besides use some safety pins to cinch it around me tighter.
Thank God I’m going as Liza’s ‘assistant’ and not as a royal princess. I don’t know if anyone would even believe it, given how I look.
The venue is a school for children with special needs, which has been decked out with balloons and streamers lining the glass walls and ceilings. Sunlight pours over the tables, strewn with enrichment toys, and a smattering of children who are being honored are running in bright outfits.
I recognize a few of my other sisters-in-law, and they recognize some people who I’ve never seen before in my life. I feel like I’m at sea, but Liza steadies me.
“It’s wonderful to see you,” Liza says, giving me a hug, although she holds me like I might break.
Later, when it”s time for a photo op, a toddler taps her palms against my thighs, and she raises her arms for me to pick her up. I balk at her weight, and I strain to lift her. I can barely hold her.
When did I get this weak?
Relief floods through me when the photographer says we’re finished. I lower the child like a boulder.
Liza pulls me to a secluded bench in a hallway. “What’s going on? You don”t look like yourself.”
I feign surprise. “In what way? Everything”s fine.”
“Ellie, I just saw you picking up that kid. Your face is sinking into itself. I’m worried.”
“I promise I’m fine.”
She cocks her head. “I don’t know if I believe you.”
I sigh, unsure of how to express my fears but decide to open up to her. “We’ve been trying. It”s not happening.”
“I know how badly you want this.”
“So bad. And I know how long and hard the journey can be if our attempts don’t work.”
She throws her hands around me and I cling to her.
“That”s a big load to carry by yourself. Have you shared it with Cedrick?”
I shake my head.
“No wonder you look this way. A problem shared is a problem solved. Always remember that.”
I nod. But there”s no way I could share my insecurities with him. There’s a part of me that fears that a problem shared is in fact a problem doubled.
It”s hard to concentrate on the rest of Liza”s words, but I try.
“Hard as it might be to hear right now, there”s a time for everything.”
“Maybe my time is slipping away.” I choke on the last word.
“Don”t say that.”
The pity on Liza”s face consumes me. Am I that pathetic of a sight? I feel a tremble through my chest.
“Thank you for your concern, Liza. Really. I appreciate the talk.”
“Any time. I”ll take you home in a few minutes. You look like you could rest.”
“You might be right.” I hold the edge of the bench and pull myself up way too fast. The wall spins, and my head turns woozy.
That can”t be a good sign.
My feet stumble sideways.
“Ellie? You okay?” Her voice sounds like a far-off echo.
My vision blurs. My head sways like a pendulum, faster and faster.
Then everything fades to black.