Chapter Thirty-Four
Kip
I don’t follow her. I go to my room, sit on the bed, and stare at the wall for a full five minutes. I deserve every second of that and more.
“Goddammit.” I run my hand through the air. I couldn’t have fucked this up more if I’d tried. I came here to apologize, but I’m not sure I should stay. I need to find Will and talk this over.
I walk up to the kitchen and scan the room for Will. It’s full of people, but I don’t see him.
Keene and Juno are standing over a plate of cookies. She's breaking off small pieces of each variety and taking a little bite, and then he’s eating the rest.
“Oh, this one is really good.” Her eyes light up as she puts it in her mouth.
Keene doesn’t wait to finish chewing to agree. “Yeah. It tastes like a brownie but...”
“It’s the texture of a cookie,” Juno finishes his sentence.
“What about that one?” Keene points to a small cookie with a chocolate kiss in the center.
“Ugh. I don’t like those.” Juno wrinkles her nose.
Keene picks it up and pops the whole thing in his mouth.
“They are hard to eat. Either you have to eat the whole thing at once and that’s a really big bite, or you have to eat around the chocolate and then eat it by itself. What’s the point?”
“I see no problem.” Keene happily chews away.
“What is this Top Chef?” Zadie calls from the kitchen.
“I really liked the subtle notes of coffee in that chocolate.” Keene pops another cookie in his mouth.
“Yes. The undertones really brought out the flavor of the chocolate,” Juno agrees.
Zadie’s just shaking her head.
Brooklyn’s sitting at the end of the table, watching them silently.
“Wanna try one?” Juno says, looking at Brooklyn.
Brooklyn hesitates and then says, “Let me have one of those ginger ones.”
“Oh...those are my favorites,” Zadie calls from the other room. “I put three different types of ginger in them.”
Brooklyn takes the cookie and sniffs it first. She doesn’t know I’m in the room, that I’m watching her. She takes a little nibble and then groans.
“Oh, my god, Zadie.”
She takes a big bite. Her head drops back, and she groans loudly. I think she’s literally orgasming right now. “That’s the best thing I’ve eaten in months.”
As soon as she finishes the cookie, she grabs two more.
“I don’t think cutting out meat and replacing it with cookies is healthy,” Keene says.
“Shut up. I’m not listening to any healthy eating tips from you. I’ve seen you eat ice cream for breakfast.”
He shrugs. “It has dairy in it.”
Ethan spots me and walks over. He’s still wearing Micah strapped to his chest, who is sound asleep. I look down at him. “Can you imagine being able to sleep through all this noise?”
“But somehow not be able to sleep during the night?” he responds with a smile.
I laugh. “Sorry, man. That sounds rough.”
“Well, it's not as bad for me as Zadie. I can’t feed him, so there’s only so much I can do at night to help her.”
I nod considering this. I don’t know much about babies. “Have you seen Will?”
Ethan nods toward the next room. “He’s putting the gingerbread houses up.”
“Thanks.” As I’m leaving the room, I notice that Brooklyn has spotted me. She’s munching on another cookie and glaring at me the entire time I walk out of the room.
“Woah.” I look around the dining room table as Will sets out a gingerbread house. Well, house isn’t the right word. None of these are actually houses. They are highly-detailed buildings and elaborate holiday scenes.
“Did you guys make these?” I’m leaning in to look at a Scooby Doo themed gingerbread house or rather van. The detail is incredible.
“We do a competition every year. It’s pretty serious.” He places a gingerbread elf in front of a North Pole scene.
“I can see that.”
His baby is in a little basket thing right at his feet. She starts fussing.
“Oh, shoot.” Will’s hands are covered in sugar and icing. “Do you think you could grab her?”
Me? I’ve never held a baby this small.
I look at him like he’s asking me to walk in front of a bullet for him.
“She’s not very heavy. I think you’re strong enough,” he smirks.
“Okay.” I lean down and slide my hands under her. She’s angry-crying now - her face bright red.
“Just make sure to support her neck,” he says.
I’m not a complete idiot. I knew that much.
I cup my hand around her neck and lift her up. It feels like she weighs nothing. I bring my arms close to my body. As soon as she snuggles up against my chest, she calms down. She’s warm and soft, and I can feel her body rise and fall as she breathes up against me.
“You’re a complete natural.” Will wipes his hands on a towel as he studies me.
“Hey, I heard Ansley crying, do you need...” Brooklyn has popped her head in the door. As soon as she sees me, she stops talking. Her eyes fall to Ansley in my arms. I notice her jaw tighten.
“Actually, do you think you could take her up to Liv? She’s unpacking in our room. Ansley needs to eat, so Kip isn’t going to be much use - unless you’re lactating, of course.” He looks at me.
“I’m not.” I say quickly, like it needed to be said.
Brooklyn doesn’t crack a smile. She walks over to me without making eye contact and holds out her hands.
I pass Ansley to her and while I do, she does the most adorable baby yawn and stretch. I can’t help but smile, and then I hear Brooklyn mutter, “Oh, for goodness’ sake.”
Her hand brushes mine as I pass Ansley to her. She bristles as soon as our skin meets. Literally bristles.
Before I can figure out why all of this has made her even more angry with me, she’s taken Ansley and headed out of the room.
I brace my hands on the table after she leaves. “You should have told me she didn’t want me here.”
“She needs you here,” Will says, firmly.
“That should have been her decision though.”
He shrugs.
“I should go. I don’t want to ruin her Christmas.” My hands are still on the table. I’m just staring down at the grain of the wood.
“Can’t.”
I jerk my head up. “What?”
Will points out the window. “No one’s getting out of here in this weather. I heard one of the Secret Service agents tell James that no one is coming in or out for three days.”
I grab the back of my neck. I’d like to project all my anger onto Will, but I know that he’s just trying to help, and he has no idea what happened last time we saw each other.
“I mess things up with her.” My eyes are still looking out the window. “I really fucked it up.”
He pats me on the back. “Then fix it.”
“I don’t think I can.” I shake my head. My whole body feels tired all the sudden.
“Try.”
I pinch the bridge of my nose and think about the awful things I said to her last time I saw her. If another man talked to her like that, I’d rearrange his face so badly he’d need a doctor to put it back together.
“She’s having a really hard time.” Will’s leaning up against one of the walls, just watching me. “Since everything with her stepfather.”
I blow out a long exhale. “She looks tired.”
She’s lost weight too. Her body is really covered up in that ridiculous Christmas sweater, but her face looks thinner and the parts of her legs that I can see.
She didn’t need to lose any weight - at all.
I’m worried. I’m glad she was eating those cookies earlier although she was eating them like she hadn’t had food in weeks. I rub the back of my neck.
“Is she eating?” I ask. Something flashes across Will’s face that I can’t quite place. He clears his throat. “She’s having a hard time with everything.”
I nod. “Is she seeing someone?”
“Yes. She started therapy around Thanksgiving. She’s only opened up so much to me, but I know she was having a lot of nightmares.
Seeing her stepfather brought back a lot of memories she’d suppressed, and she’s having to work through all of that, and of course, there’s been no word about her mom or sister. ”
“Shit.” I knew she had all of this going on - not quite the extent of it, but I knew everything going on in her life, and I was still a selfish, cruel, bastard last time I saw her.
If I were her, I’d be pissed off with me too.
And the dickhead part of me is still reeling at the thought of her with another man.
I keep picturing that guy on top of her, inside her, and it makes me sick.
I know it’s none of my business, but it’s absolutely eating me alive.
“Do what you need to do to make it right,” Will says. “She’s worth it.
“I know she’s worth it,” I say without hesitation. I’m just not sure I’m worth it.