Chapter Thirty-Five
Brooklyn
I did a pretty good job of avoiding Kip all day.
I played Mario Cart with Declan, Juno, and Keene for about three hours then I decorated cookies with Elizabeth and Zadie.
Every time he came into a room, I found a reason to be somewhere else.
Will told me he wanted to leave, but the roads aren’t passable. Just my luck.
I couldn’t avoid him at dinner, unfortunately, but I made a point to sit far away from him which meant I had to sit at the adult side of the table.
Normally we are divided into the older “more mature” siblings at one end - James, Will, and Zadie with their spouses.
Eli and I normally end up in the middle and then Declan, Juno, and Keene are together at the other end.
Maggie and Celeste float from one end to the other depending on the meal.
The “kid” side is always more fun. With the mature group, you may find yourself in an unfortunate conversation about the debt ceiling or something else equally mind numbing.
I’m between Zadie and Elizabeth at dinner.
I try to ignore the other end of the table, but they are just having too much damn fun.
I keep stealing glances at Kip who was joking and laughing along with the rest of them.
I can’t quite make out what they are saying though.
I have a feeling they are telling stories about me.
“Are you not drinking either?” Zadie asks, pointing to my untouched glass of wine. My eyes flash over to it. This is a make or break moment, and I don’t want to give everything away right now in front of everyone.
“It’s a part of that whole healthy eating thing she’s doing,” Will jumps in before I can answer. “No meat. No alcohol.”
“But you can eat sugar and pasta?” Elizabeth wrinkles her nose.
“Well, I’m just eliminating a few things at a time to see if I have any sensitivities.”
Zadie and Elizabeth just nod. I think they are pretty satisfied with this answer and then Zadie says, “You know, you’re really not supposed to do something like that until January. Who starts during the holidays?”
I’m actually really struggling to eat anything because I can smell the meatballs on everyone else's plates. Is your sense of smell heightened when you’re pregnant? I think it is because I swear the smell of meat is overwhelming me and turning my stomach.
“You don’t seem very hungry.” Elizabeth looks at my plate where I’m twirling and untwirling pasta, so it looks like I’m eating.
“Too many cookies,” I laugh. This is not entirely a lie.
“Those ginger ones are amazing. Zadie, you’ll have to give me the recipe.”
Elizabeth, Celeste, and Zadie launch into a conversation about three types of ginger, and I zone out for the rest of the meal.
After we’ve cleaned up from dinner, James calls everyone into the living room to play charades.
I sit far away from Kip, so we aren’t on the same team.
It’s torturing me to have him here. If Will knew the things he said to me last time we spoke, he’d be out on his ass - blizzard or not.
I’ve spent the last few weeks stewing over the whole situation.
I know I have to tell him about the baby.
I know he has legal rights, but the whole thing just makes me sick.
I’d rather just do it alone, maybe he’ll just agree to sign over his rights or something? I’m not even sure how that will work, but really, how involved could he be since he lives four thousand miles away?
A thought hits me and I shudder a little. Will I have to send this child to Alaska for the whole summer or over holidays? My body is in a cold sweat now, and my eyes are burning. I can’t do that. I can’t go months without seeing my own child. I rub my forehead.
“Hey, you okay?” Eli whispers.
“Yeah. It’s just getting late.”
“Brooklyn, it’s your turn,” Maggie calls.
I stand up. “You know what? I’m going to have to bow out. Sorry. I’m just so tired.”
“Boo!” Keene calls.
“Party pooper,” Juno says.
“Sorry.” I’m stepping over people to try to get out of the cramped room. “I’ll be more fun tomorrow after some rest.”
I can feel Kip’s eyes on me as I hurry to leave.
I need some space. I feel like there’s not enough air in this room right now.
When I get to my bedroom, I close the door behind me and fall onto the bed.
I’m resisting the urge to sob. I hadn’t really thought about custody agreements until this moment, and I’m so overwhelmed.
Why would I have to choose a man who lives in Alaska of all places to accidentally knock me up?
There’s a soft knock on the door. I really don’t want to talk to anyone.
“Brooklyn, can we talk?” It’s Kip.
Oh hell no, I really don’t want to talk to him.
“No, Kip. I’ve told you that there’s nothing you can say that I want to hear.” I sit up quickly and get on my feet.
The door handle turns, and he pushes the door open.
“Kip, you can’t just come in here.” I cross my arms over my chest.
He shuts the door once he’s inside. “I need to tell you something.”
“I don’t care. Leave.” I point to the door.
“No.”
“I’ll scream. Remember what happened last time my brothers thought you were hurting me? Imagine what they would do if I told them you really were.”
He steps closer to me. “I’ll take my chances.”
I take a step back. “Are you here to call me a whore again? Criticize my clothes? Ask me about my sex life?”
“No,” he whisper-yells as he steps toward me again.
“I don’t want you to come any closer.” I take another little step back.
He looks like I’ve slapped him, and then he nods. “Okay, but please listen to me.”
“You have thirty seconds, and then I start screaming.”
Before the words have even come out of my mouth, he says, “I’m sorry.”
I shut my mouth tight.
“Brooklyn, I’m so sorry.” He looks like he might cry. What the hell is going on?
He rubs his forehead and then continues, “The things I said to you...I’m so ashamed. I think about it constantly, and it makes me feel sick.”
I wasn’t really expecting this.
“I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness, but I wanted to let you know that I'm sorry. You didn’t deserve how I treated you. I wish I could take it back, but all I can do now is apologize.”
He’s looking at the ground now. He takes a deep breath and then continues, “I was jealous.”
His eyes float up to mine. “Seeing you with someone else shattered me.”
Our eyes are locked. I’m still angry. Angry with the whole situation, and I’m not ready to forgive him yet.
“It hurt me that you’d moved on so quickly.”
I don’t respond. If only he knew.
He quickly adds. “That doesn’t justify the way I acted.”
The air feels thick. He takes a step back. “That’s all I wanted to say.. I don’t want to ruin your Christmas. I tried to leave, but...”
I do want him to leave. He is ruining my Christmas, but there’s no alternative.
“It’s fine.”
His eyes brighten just a little. “You sure?”
“Don’t have much of a choice, do I?”
His face darkens just a little. “I’ll try to keep my distance.”
He shifts uncomfortably, and I look down at my watch. “I should really be getting some sleep.”
“Of course. I’ll leave.”
He walks toward the door and then pauses. “Good night.”
I’m already heading into my bathroom, so I call over my shoulder, “Night.”
Once he’s gone, I sit down on the side of the tub and rest my head in my hands. My mind is racing. I’m still mad at him, but I’m slightly less mad, and I’m not sure what to do with that.
I sit up and groan. I’m so horny. I might be angry with him, but my body is not.
My pregnancy hormones are completely out of control.
I’d read in one of my pregnancy books that increased libido is normal, but holy hell, increased is a vast understatement.
My whole body is buzzing right now, and I’m sure all my blood has diverted to my lady parts.
It took every ounce of self-control not to jump him when he was in here.
I groan again.
He is surely here just to torture me.