14. Like torture
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
like torture
AIDEN
The boxing bag swings violently from Mark’s home gym ceiling, and I give it another solid right hook.
“Hold on, let me get this straight,” Mark says, stopping the swinging bag. “You’re not just fake dating a woman who’s also your strategic design partner, but a woman you’re crushing on?”
“I mean, crushing is an overstatement.”
“Please. You want her.”
I shrug. “Something like that, I guess.”
Fuck, when she kissed me… Every smile, every glance, every conversation, every time I’ve seen her work, or laugh with her team, the sway of her hips, the scent of her hair, the feel of her skin.
It all crashed down on me.
A Linnea tsunami. And I’ll never recover.
For a moment—a blissful, absolutely soul-defining moment—I thought, ‘this is it’.
This is what I spent most of my life believing my parents had. The stories Dad told me about when he met Mum. The ‘it’ Mum has been feeding me through rom-coms and her optimism all these years. Even after learning more about my dad, I wanted that part to be true, wanted to find it for myself.
“It’s nothing to get worked up about,” I say while untying the hand wraps, but Mark raises his brows at me with a smirk. He doesn’t believe me any more than I do.
“You’ve always wanted her.” Mark punches the bag, and the chain rattles loudly.
“What makes you say that?”
“Putting it all together now.”
He lands a decent uppercut and another right hook.
“Yeah, well,” I start once he’s finished. “I wanted a woman who was married. I guess I didn’t look at it too closely.”
“She’s not married anymore, so what’s the problem? Did you tell her?” Mark unties his hand wraps as well. We’re done for the morning.
I let out a long breath. “No. It kind of came up. And it … kind of came up, so we talked about attraction briefly.”
“You got a hard-on when she kissed you and she questioned it?”
“Sort of.”
Mark chuckles, wiping his face with his towel. “Sauna?”
“Sounds good.”
We head into Mark’s wooden sauna, and he switches on the infrared light for muscle therapy while we’re in here.
“So,” Mark continues. “What did she say when you talked about it?”
“She wouldn’t have entered a fake dating arrangement with a client if there was a risk she’d fall for me.” And I’ll never tell her this, but she might as well have kicked me in the solar plexus because that comment made me struggle to breathe.
“Ouch.” Mark winces.
“Yes, a bit of Norwegian bluntness right there, I guess.” I lean my head back and close my eyes, focusing on the damp heat rolling down the back of my nose and into my lungs as I drag in a long breath.
“Charming.”
“She didn’t say it to be hurtful. I appreciate she’s trying to be clear with me.”
Oh, but she did not agree when I said she’s a good kisser. Another gut punch.
She just went ‘uh’ like she wanted to laugh, but held it back. The kiss was nothing to her. Fuck, that stung. Stings again now when I think of it.
“So now what? Are you just going to pine after her while she’s pretending to like you in front of your mum?” Mark asks.
“I guess.”
“It sounds like torture.”
“Yeah.”
We sit in silence for a few minutes, the heat enveloping us in the small wooden room.
Mark sighs. “I’m sorry. I told her she should be more handsy with you, but I didn’t realise you felt like that.”
I shake my head, but his eyes are closed.
“Nah, it’s cool, man. I’ll take her fake touch over no touch at all.”
“That’s so sad.” Mark chuckles, but he means it. It’s pathetic, is what it is.
“Yep, I’ll take whatever I can get.”
“And except for pretend affection, what is it you can get?”
“Her friendship.”
Mark stares at the side of my face now, and I wait for him to call me sad again.
“Good,” he says instead. “She’ll fall for you once she gets to know you.”
“You mean that, don’t you?” I chuckle and straighten up, finished with this pressing heat.
“Of course.” Mark grins. “You’re great.”
“You’re such a sweetie, Mark, I can see Rey has mellowed you a bit.”
“Fuck off,” Mark says, swinging his towel around his neck as he stands up. “I’ve always been a sweetie.” He steps down and out of the sauna. “Having breakfast?” he adds.
“Can’t, I’m having brunch with Mum, Will, and Linnea.” I groan, knowing I have to sit with this mess in my chest next to someone who’s unattainable.
“Just keep being you. She’ll get there.”
“I’ve been me around her for two years,” I muse.
“Maybe.” Mark shrugs.
I knit my brow. Maybe? “Hm.”
“You said you told her about your dad, but I’m sure you didn’t. You’ve not talked about him to any of us for years, and I’ve not wanted to push, but will you open up to her?”
“Mark…” I wipe my brow with my towel, the sweat has turned cold already. “I haven’t talked about it, because … my dad was a fucking mess. And it fucking hurts even thinking about him.”
Mark opens his mouth, but no words come out.
I shrug. That’s as much as I can say before I want to punch something. Which is what I did when I found out about it all and drank a bottle of whiskey to forget it. Almost broke my hand. Entirely broke the hallway wall, which Mum likes to joke about. She assumes I was just drunk.
“You’re not, though,” Mark says.
“This situation isn’t a mess?”
“Not unless you make it so. Just tell her.”
I exhale and close my eyes. The various scenarios of how she’ll react flicker behind my eyelids. None of them end with her jumping into my arms saying ‘take me home’.
“Maybe later.”
Today, I just need to get through this brunch.
LINNEA
Aiden’s waiting in the car when I exit my house, and I’m queasy as I walk up to the tinted window, uncertain of how today will go.
One thing is pretending to be a couple at a party.
Dark, lots of people, our awkwardness allowed to go unnoticed.
Now it’ll be just us, sitting right in front of Amara. Lying straight to her face for hours.
I inhale deeply, not moving, and the window opens.
Aiden’s forehead and then eyes come into view, then his mouth.
His smirk.
If he has nerves about today, he’s not showing it.
“I can see you, you know.” His easy smile unfurls on his face.
“Hi to you too,” I say, a wave of relief hitting at his relaxed expression. He opens the door from the inside and shuffles over the other seat so I can enter. A gorgeous camel brown jacket is halfway across the seat, so when he doesn’t move it, I carefully pick it up so I don’t sit on it.
Settling into my seat, I put the suede jacket between us, still not daring to look up at him.
When I close the door, the car is filled with his scent, it wraps around me like the hug he gave me last night. Mo starts driving and I finally glance over at Aiden. His gaze is on the street, his hands relaxed in his lap.
I pick at a cuticle, wondering where we are right now.
We didn’t dance the same way again after the chat, and he mostly talked with other people.
Although, I enjoyed my time with Rey so I didn’t dwell on it.
It was fun to discuss the university Rey and I both attended, albeit at different times.
We had a lot of the same professors and went to the same bars.
She’s lovely. If this thing with Aiden was real, I’d try to be her friend for real too.
If Aiden was upset with me yesterday for kissing him, he hid it well behind his frequent laughs. I don’t know him well enough to tell for sure.
And I definitely can’t tell what he’s thinking right now.
“How do you want to do this today?” I ask, gesturing between us. “How do you want me to be?”
Aiden looks at me, his eyes flicking between mine.
“Just be yourself.”
Oh no.
“Aiden…”
“Linnea.”
“Umm… Can you just tell me what’s best? I don’t want to embarrass you.”
Aiden mutters something under his breath, shaking his head, and my chest tightens. Ugh, I’ve already started off in the wrong way.
“It’s okay,” I say quickly, keen to quell the discomfort.
He turns towards me in the seat, leaning his knee against the middle. Oh, a jeans-knee. He’s in casual clothes. He’s always worn a shirt and chinos or suit trousers. I’ve never seen him in jeans. And a white v-neck t-shirt.
Arms.
I blink. He was about to say something.
“Linnea, I’ve noticed that you sometimes seem to keep a professional shield up, perhaps trying not to be too … animated?”
I inhale sharply.
Why did he choose that word?
I open my mouth to say something, although I’m unclear on what, and Aiden holds up a hand.
“I’ve seen you over the last two years. I’ve experienced your energy, I’ve heard you laugh, I’ve dodged your arms as you flail when you get really into it.”
I grimace, but he’s smiling.
“I’m not asking you to be any certain way,” he continues. “I’m just saying that you don’t have to hold back. Just be you. Do what’s natural for you.”
A smile spreads across my face, and I have to swallow hard to force that lump back down. I blink as my eyes sting, and look away.
Fucking hell.
I clear my throat.
“Maybe we can have a safe word.”
“No.”
“What do you mean?”
“I won’t manage you, Linnea.” He sighs turning his head to me.
Oh. There it is. The expression.
I bite the inside of my cheek and face the other way. I hate how much he knows. Does he feel sorry for me? Has he seen more than what happened on Halloween?
Animated. That’s a Henry-euphemism for me being too much.
“Hey,” he says, his voice much closer. When I turn back he leans across the middle, another waft of his warm and spicy cologne hits me and it’s got a strangely calming effect on me.
“We’re friends, right?”
I nod. That’s what I want. I need a friend.
“So, let’s have fun today. Just relax. That’s easy with Mum and Will.”