Chapter 18
The past month has been equal parts agonizingly slow and speeding by way too fast. With how busy the ranch has been, I haven’t even had a chance to see the wildflower blooms. My social battery is consistently drained by the end of each week, and the only thing keeping me from completely melting down is knowing that come Friday night, Addison is snuggled up next to me.
I have therapy today, and my nerves are high.
I only have it once a month now that my anxiety and depression are pretty under control.
I haven’t told Colleen about Addison sleeping in my bed, but we worked through what happened in Missoula, and I told her Addison helped me through my panic attack.
I told her I feel like a failure for still getting them, and she kindly reminded me that a panic attack or setback is not a failure, but an opportunity to reevaluate triggers and learn new coping skills.
I’ve been seeing Colleen virtually for the past four years.
At one point, my anxiety and depression got so bad that I wouldn’t leave the ranch at all, not even to see my friends.
I barely left my bed. If anyone wanted to see me, they had to come to me.
I didn’t go out, I didn't socialize, and I had no logical reason for it.
It constantly felt like one of the steers from Reclamation Ranch was sitting on my chest, making it hard to breathe.
All I wanted to do was sleep. Even sitting on the porch seemed like a monumental task.
When Mama suggested I might need to talk to someone, the shame I felt for worrying my parents gave me the push to go. I didn’t want to be a burden on them, and I didn’t want to keep feeling like the embodiment of a dark cloud.
Mama and Daddy are amazing parents. They never hit us, hardly ever yelled, and I had a good childhood.
Other than moving from Texas, there weren’t a lot of big events that happened that I thought could trigger such a response.
During our third session, when I expressed that to Colleen, she explained that sometimes there isn’t any one event.
Sometimes, the chemicals in the brain are simply off balance.
That helped me feel less rueful about my mental health struggles. I can’t control my brain chemicals.
I feel bad that I haven’t told Colleen I’m seeing Addison romantically, especially when she’s the one who helped me through my spiral after my ex-girlfriend ended things with me two years ago.
We weren’t together long, only six months, but it hit me hard.
I blamed myself, even though my ex specifically said we couldn’t be together because she was moving to a different country.
Our breakup was one of necessity, but I spent a hot minute thinking it was because I don’t want to move away from Copper Creek.
But I won’t spiral when this thing with Addison ends. I already know it has an expiration date, and I’m prepared for the heartbreak. Will I be devastated? Probably, but it won’t send me into a depression.
Hopefully.
I have to believe it won’t. I’m not about to lose my mind over a woman who has different life aspirations than I do. A good summer fling and hot sex is all this is, and it’s perfect for this moment.
At least, that’s what I’m still trying to convince my heart.
With the way my belly flutters with excitement when Addison and I lock eyes across the corral, or the way my body gets hot all over when she grazes her pinky against my thigh under the dinner table, my heart is getting attached too fast, and the feelings are burrowing deep.
It’s not about being physical, either. Addison’s opened up to me, and I to her. The connection we’re fostering is creating something more than just fuck buddies. I’d even venture to say we’re friends.
If friends frequently had their heads between each other’s thighs.
Shaking off the image of Addison’s honeyed locks between my legs, I click on the next email while I wait until it’s time to log onto my meeting with Colleen.
For the first time, I wish I were eating lunch with everyone else in the mess hall.
Addison and I don’t usually sit together, but even sitting in the same room, stealing glances at each other, is better than sitting in the office.
Maybe I just want to avoid Colleen, so I don’t have to tell her I think I’m about to experience a terrible heartbreak.
Therapy always leaves me emotionally drained and ready for a nap, even if it wasn’t a heavy session. Today wasn't as heavy as it has been in the past, but I still feel exhausted.
Colleen and I talked about how worried I am about Briar, and we discussed what I can do in this situation.
Logically, I know I can’t offer her more than moral support, especially since she hasn’t directly asked for help, but I still wish I could do more.
She reminded me that it’s okay to feel sympathy for Briar’s situation but letting it affect my day-to-day life isn’t helpful for anyone.
I hate it when she makes sense.
Then, we discussed how I was doing with the busy season picking up. I told her I was doing as well as can be expected, and when she asked if I was doing anything new to cope, I told her no.
What was I supposed to say? ‘Oh, yeah, I’m actually having amazing sex with the wrangler who’s leaving in two months, and I think I might be a teary-eyed mess when she does because this is more than sex to me?’
No thanks.
After shutting down the computer, I lock up the office and head toward the barn. We have a fresh new group of guests today, so Addison should be in the middle of giving them a tour of the barn and introducing them to the horses.
I don’t want to look too closely into why, when I’m feeling down, my instinct is to seek her out. I should leave her be, let her do her job. But I won’t talk to her. I just need to see her. One look at her beautiful, grumpy face will be enough to get me through the rest of the day.
Halfway to the barn, a shadow creeps up next to me, and Mama links her arm with mine. “How was your session today, June-bug?”
“It was good. I told her how I was feeling about Bry’s situation. Have you heard any updates from her?”
Mama gives me a sad smile. “Not since yesterday, honey. But I have a feeling, you know? She’s going to need help eventually, and all we can do is be here with open arms to welcome her when she does.”
I nod. I can do that, even if the waiting is killing me.
“So…are there any updates you’d like to share with me?” The knowing tone makes my face heat.
I thought Addison and I were being sneaky, but she is sleeping in Mama’s house, and Mama seems to know everything.
“No, not that I can think of.”
Mama hums in the way she does, and there’s so much said in that small noise. She clearly doesn’t believe me, but she won’t push me on it. She pats my arm and sighs. “Well, when you’re ready to talk about it, you let me know. You know your Daddy and I won’t judge you.”
Mama and Daddy didn’t bat an eye when I told them I like girls as well as boys.
I thought they’d be disappointed because only a month prior, Briar came out as a lesbian.
There was not a single hint of judgment or disappointment, like I’ve heard so many horror stories about.
I was so nervous before I told them, though, that I threw up right before and started sobbing right as I got the words out.
They’ve welcomed every partner we’ve had with open arms and have shut down any rude commentary from anyone who isn’t on the same page. Briar and I are fortunate to have them.
“There’s nothing to talk about, Mama. I promise.”
The look on her face screams that she doesn’t buy my lie. Hell, I don’t even believe myself, but I’m not about to word vomit my feelings to my mother when I’m not even entirely sure what I’m feeling.
“If you say so.” We reach the barn and hear a chorus of laughter coming from inside. “I’ll see you at the mess hall for dinner?”
I groan, leaning my head on her shoulder. “I don’t think I’m in the headspace to socialize with the guests right now. Would you be upset if I skipped?”
“Not at all. I’ll bring you a plate. Oakley and Landry are fixing up some pulled pork sandwiches, and I know how much you love them.”
My stomach growls at the mention of food, reminding me I skipped lunch. “Thank you.”
Mama unlinks our arms and pulls me in for a hug, placing a kiss on my forehead. “Anything for you, baby. Why don’t you take Friday off and spend the day in the field? I know you’re itching to paint the wildflowers.”
“But what about—”
“I can handle the send-off with the guests. We don’t have anyone staying Friday night, so it’ll just be cleaning up. Take some time for yourself.”
“Thank you, Mama.”
“I have one stipulation. I need a new picture for the wall in cabin five. That couple on their anniversary trip got a little too… excited and accidentally knocked it down. I got a long-winded apology from the wife, and I know way too much about them now. ”
My nose scrunches at her implications. How can you be so lost in passion that you knock down a painting? Wouldn’t that hurt?
“Well, better you than me. I wouldn’t have been able to keep my facial expressions under check.”
“It was quite the effort. Kathy was in there with me and had to excuse herself because she couldn’t stop laughing.”
I chuckle. “I’ll paint you a new picture. You want the wildflowers or something else?”
“Wildflowers, please.”
“Got it.”
“Thank you, June-bug. Now, go see your girl. The tour should be almost up.” She winks and speed walks away before I can protest or deny Addison as my girl.
Even if I like the sound of those words much more than I should.
Addison’s smooth voice carries through the space over the shuffling and huffing of the horses. All of them love the attention that comes with newcomers—except Honeysuckle, but she’s out in the corral right now, so she’s away from the crowd.
God, she looks so hot in her baseball cap, her honey colored hair pulled into a ponytail through the loop in the back. She’s wearing her Forget Me Not Ranch T-shirt and wranglers that have me biting my lip. I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone more attractive.
As Addison explains that you never want to be standing directly behind the horse because you never know when they might decide to kick, her eyes scan the crowd and meet mine.
Her words falter, but she recovers and finishes her spiel about horse safety.
Given that this group is made up of adults, I hope they’ll take her seriously.
I stand next to Athena’s stall as Addison wraps up the question section. She’s a natural at explaining all things to do with horses, and so many guests have ranted and raved about how amazing she is when she’s guiding trail rides and teaching riding lessons.
Athena pokes her head out and sniffs me, looking for treats. I know for a fact Addison sneaks them to her at least twice a day, and I don’t have any on me.
I stroke her neck, running my hands over her silky black mane. “Sorry, girl. No treats for you today. Your bestie would probably be upset if I gave you some, anyway.”
“Are you being a greedy girl again?” Addison’s voice sends a shiver down my spine.
I know she’s talking to the horse, but damn it, she’s said that to me before.
“I already gave you an extra treat today. Don’t be begging Juniper for more.” She strokes down the other side of Athena’s neck, then her eyes lock on mine. “Hey, sunshine. What’re you doing here?”
I shrug, suddenly feeling shy. “Just thought I’d come see if you need anything.”
“Well, lucky you did, because there is something I need from you.” She grabs my wrist and drags me through the barn, leading me to the tack room, shutting the door, and pushing me against it.
“What—”
I can’t finish my sentence because her mouth is on mine, her hands cupping my face as her body pins me against the door.
Her tongue drags against my bottom lip before her teeth tug at the tender flesh.
My hands land on her waist, trying to pull her infinitely closer.
We make out like horny teenagers for who knows how long before she pulls away.
Her hat is askew on top of her head, so I reach up and tip it back into place.
“God, I missed your lips,” she whispers.
“It hasn’t even been a full day since we kissed.”
“I know, but I want to soak up every minute I can before this ends.”
I swallow the disappointment that bubbles in my throat. She said it so casually, like she’s not going to be hurt when we’re over. Even though she confessed to liking me, she still seems much better at detaching from this than I am.
I force myself to smile. “Me too.”
At least I’ll have the memories to hold on to when this is over.