Chapter 17
This last week has been hectic, and I’m exhausted enough that I should be dead asleep by now.
But I’m not.
I can’t stop my mind from wandering to Juniper. I didn’t follow her home from the welcome barbecue Saturday night, even though my body was screaming at me that I should. The way she looked at me as she walked out of the barn confirmed that my running out on her that morning hurt her.
I hate myself for it.
We’ve spent the last week avoiding each other. Every time she was in the barn, I’d wait until she left to go in. She avoided lunch in the dining hall all week except for Thursday, and she made sure to sit far away from me.
Instead of sitting next to me at dinner last Sunday or tonight, she sat at the other end of the table with Oakley, the two of them getting lost in their conversation.
I haven’t had one of her smiles directed at me in over a week, and it feels like I haven’t seen the sun in just as long.
I crave the way she warms me from the inside out.
I don’t even care about the sex, even though that’s how this started.
I want my hand on her thigh. I want to hear her talk about nothing.
I want to know if she’s had time to paint this week, even though I doubt it with how hectic it was.
The first guests were kind but sucked up all our energy. The kids were polite and listened well, and the adults made sure they were respectful, but I could tell by the sag of her shoulders that all the socializing and being ‘on’ it was weighing on Juniper.
I wanted to check in a thousand times, but I didn’t know if she’d talk to me. Tonight, I offered to help wash the dishes, just to have a moment with her, but Mrs. Calhoun wouldn’t let me, saying I worked so hard that I deserve to rest.
How can I rest when the woman I’m… I… I like isn’t talking to me?
I roll over again to get comfortable, glancing at the clock on my nightstand. It’s nearing midnight, and I know I should be sleeping so I can be rested for the next guests' arrivals. Luckily, we have tomorrow off to reset.
“Fuck this,” I mumble, tossing the sheets off and grabbing my boots and a hoodie.
I can’t go another week with this weird tension between us. I need to talk to her and clear the air.
I unplug my phone and shove it in my hoodie pocket, slipping out of the bedroom. The light in the bathroom is on, and I send a plea to the universe that Oakley stays in there long enough for me to slip by undetected.
Just as I pass the door, it clicks open, and we freeze, blinking at each other. One of her red eyebrows raises in a question, and I shrug in response. It’s obvious that she already suspects something is going on, but I’m not about to confirm it.
“Go on and get out of here, but don’t complain about bein’ tired tomorrow.” With that, she goes back to her room and shuts the door.
I let out a breath of relief and resume my journey down the stairs and out the front door. Using my phone as a flashlight, I take the trail that leads to Juniper’s house, my heart thumping faster as I approach.
What am I doing? She’s probably asleep. Lost in the land of dreams. If she is awake, she’d never let me inside so late.
Apparently, that’s not enough of a reason to get me to turn around.
Her porch lights are on, but the windows are dark. I could turn back around and come over first thing in the morning. Waking her up feels like an asshole move, but I’d rather her be mad at me than hurt. Even though it’s selfish, I can’t sleep with this feeling slithering across my skin.
I need to make things right with her.
“Here goes nothing.” I knock on the door three times and wait, listening for any movement from inside.
Nothing.
I knock again, louder this time. To my relief, the lights inside flip on and the door swings open.
Juniper’s eyes are wide and panicked as she looks at me, then behind me, like she’s looking for someone else. “What’s wrong? Is everyone okay?”
Shit.
Banging on her door in the middle of the night probably sent her into a panic. I really am an asshole.
I hold up my hands in a placating gesture. “Everything is fine. Everyone else is sleeping. Nothing’s wrong.”
“Then why the hell are you banging on my door in the middle of the night?” This is the most agitated I’ve ever heard her, and I kind of like knowing sunshine-y Juniper has a grumpy side, even if it’s directed at me.
Focus.
“I couldn’t sleep knowing I hurt your feelings,” I say.
Her eyebrows furrow before she shakes her head. “Come in so the mosquitoes don’t.”
I follow her in, my heart still racing. She doesn’t let me in more than to close the door, but I’m grateful she let me in at all.
Juniper spins around and crosses her arms over her chest. It’s the first time I’m noticing what she’s wearing, and I have to look away.
I’ve seen her naked, but the way the pale yellow pajama set she has on gives a peek at every one of her curves threatens to undo me. She looks deliciously rumpled with her hair in a lopsided ponytail on top of her head and a pillow crease on her cheek.
Strike three in the asshole column.
“Explain, please,” she says.
“I feel bad for running out so quickly the other morning, and I’m sorry for avoiding you. I…”
How much am I willing to admit? How vulnerable can I let myself be with this woman I’ve only known for a month?
It feels like I’ve known her forever, and not long enough at the same time.
Time is going by too fast, and before I know it, I’ll be leaving.
Do I want to lay all my cards on the table before I know if she’ll forgive me?
“If you don’t want to do… whatever it is we’re doing anymore, that’s fine. But I'd rather you tell me now than leave me guessing.” The resolve in her tone makes me think she’s had time to consider this. To come to terms with the fact that I want to end it.
But I don’t.
“I don’t want to stop seeing you, Juniper. Not at all. I… I got scared.”
“Of what?”
“Of these goddamned feelings I have. The way my chest constricted when I saw the sketch had me worried I was going into cardiac arrest. I don’t know how to describe what I was feeling or why it spooked me, but the only thing I could think to do was run.”
Her arms drop away from her chest. “I get that, but… are you going to keep running away every time you feel something? Because I…” She takes a stuttering breath.
“I hated this past week. I hated the not knowing. I hated feeling like I did something wrong. I can’t do the hot and cold, Addison.
Choose to be with me—fully—this summer, or let me lick my wounds and move on. ”
I step closer, her chest brushing below mine, driven by the need to be near her. “I don’t want to run away. But damn it, Juniper… This is going to hurt when it ends.”
Her throat bobs with a swallow, and she nods. “I know. It might hurt less since we already know it’s ending. We don’t have to talk about the future, but if we’re doing this, I need to know for sure I have you until the leaves start to change.”
“You have me, I promise.”
She’ll have more of me than I’ve given to anyone, I think. She already does.
Juniper surges up and crashes her lips against mine. I think this is one of the few kisses she’s initiated, and the warmth of affection spreads through my veins. The sunshine she emits is breathing life back into me after a week of being in a dark cloud.
I didn’t know it was possible to miss someone you saw every day, but the contentment that settles in my chest as I wrap my arms around her waist and pull her closer makes me realize that’s what it was.
I’ve missed my sunshine, and for the rest of the summer, I’ll be soaking her up as much as I can.
Our kisses are filled with the pent-up desire of the last week, but there’s an undertone of relief with the way our lips caress.
Juniper relaxes against me, and I make a silent promise never to make her feel so tense again, even if it means confronting my feelings head-on and not shoving them down.
I can do that for the next three months.
I hope.
Cupping her neck, I pull away from her mouth and press my forehead against hers. “Let’s get you to bed. I’m sorry I woke you up in the first place.”
“It’s okay. Are… are you staying?”
“Yeah, sunshine. I’m staying.”
Until the leaves change color.
I wake up with something tickling my nose. I swipe at the offending object and blink my eyes open, only to realize it’s Juniper’s hair. The top half of her body is sprawled on top of mine, her head resting just below my chin. I can feel the steady rise and fall of her belly against my palm.
We didn’t talk anymore last night. I took off my hoodie and got into bed, making her the little spoon. I was asleep in an instant, and I slept just as well as I did the last time I was in her bed.
I can’t tell if it’s the mattress or the woman next to me.
Definitely Juniper.
The early morning sun peeks through the curtains and shines a light on her, like the universe is saying I made the right choice in coming over last night. I could stay in bed all day with her, only cuddling, and be happy.
Happy.
How long has it been since I’ve felt anything close to the emotion?
Since Artemis died and I had to stop racing, I’ve been in survival mode, on the run, trying to escape the grief.
Even when I was competing, I didn’t stick around places too long.
I was chasing the thrill of the race, the next new experience.
My parents supported me, and they check in once in a while, but they’re the kind of parents who think once a child turns eighteen, they’re no longer responsible for them.
Seeing how Mr. and Mrs. Calhoun treat their kids makes me ache for something I never had.
The love they have for not only their own children, but every person who steps foot on their ranch is amazing.
They welcome everyone with open arms, and I only hope that if I have kids someday, I can be like them.
Juniper stirs, pulling me from my thoughts. Her dark eyelashes flutter before her eyes open, and a soft, sleepy smile makes the corners of her eyes crinkle.
“Good morning,” she whispers.
I dance my fingers up and down her spine, relishing the way she snuggles impossibly closer to me. “Good morning, sunshine. Sleep okay?”
She hums in affirmation. “I don’t want to get up.”
“Me either, but chores need to be done. We can snuggle a little bit longer, though.”
“I’m liable to fall back asleep if we do. I haven’t been sleeping great this past week.”
Guilt swirls around my stomach, and it must be written all over my face because Juniper pecks me on the cheek.
“It’s not your fault. First full week of the season always has my anxiety spiking. Makes it more difficult to sleep.”
“I’m still sorry I added to your anxiety. I feel like I should make it up to you.”
“Hm….” She taps her chin. “You can make it up to me by agreeing to spend the night with me on the weekends. I-if you want. I won’t make you, obviously.”
I hate the uncertainty in her tone.
Rolling us so I’m hovering over her, I lean down so our noses touch. “I’d love nothing more.” I kiss her slowly, hopefully pouring all my sincerity into the kiss. “Now, let’s get a move on before I decide I want to keep you in bed all day.”
“Fine. But I wouldn’t be opposed to that, especially since none of my toys seem to make me come the way you do.”
I groan, rolling off of her and standing from the bed. It never occurred to me to ask if she has toys, but now that I know, I’ll be utilizing them as soon as possible.