Chapter 29
The storm clouds roll in through the window. We’re set to be hit with another round of heavy snow, which gives me the perfect excuse not to leave the comfort of my bed.
Not that I’ve been giving excuses. I haven’t been talking to anyone, really. Oakley’s tried, bless her and her sweet soul, and so has Shiloh, but I’m not good company right now.
How can I be when my heart has been ripped out of my chest and run through a hay baler?
Winter always brings a bout of depression with it.
Usually, with an adjustment to my medication and my usual coping skills, I don’t feel it as hard.
It’s there still, of course. It’s harder to find the motivation to shower, to eat, and I find myself wanting to stay in bed more than normal, but this season is different.
It’s particularly brutal.
I thought I’d be okay. The leaves changed colors like they always do, and all I could think about was how I wish Addison were here to enjoy the beauty of the ranch bathed in deep golds and vibrant oranges.
It was naive of me to think I would be okay after Addison, to believe I could spend all summer getting to know her, falling for her, and let her go. Pretend it was nothing.
It’s far from nothing.
Addison is far from nothing.
She’s everything.
Thinking about her always brings a fresh wave of tears, and I’m always thinking about her.
I keep trying to pull myself up and out of the black hole that’s sucked me deep.
I need to be out there, helping Briar and getting to know Hudson.
I know he’s only three, but I don’t want him to think of me as the sad lady who never leaves her house.
It’s almost Christmas, too. The holiday should be filled with laughter and joy.
I should be baking cookies with Mama and playing in the snow with Hudson.
Oakley and I should be warming up by dancing at The Mule and having girls’ nights when Shiloh isn’t working.
I haven’t even bought. anyone gifts. I’ve barely found the energy to shower.
I’m the worst human alive. A weight dragging everyone down into the misery of my own making.
Logically, I know this is only for a time, and things will get better eventually, but damn if it doesn’t suck right now.
I check the time on my phone. Almost dinner time. Mama practically begged me to come to the main house for dinner, and I agreed. The prospect of a meal that isn’t toaster pastries, instant noodles, or cereal sounds enticing.
I just hope I have the appetite.
I have a few missed texts from Shiloh and Oakley, and even though I don’t expect her to text or call, I’m still disappointed that Addison hasn’t reached out.
Not that she has any reason to.
I roll out of bed and shuffle to the bathroom, undoing the braids Mama put my hair in almost four days ago, and brushing it. I stand under the warm water for too long, letting it wash my tears down the drain before I finally finish the rest of my routine.
I can’t be bothered with anything other than moisturizer, so I slather that on after I’ve brushed my teeth.
I know if I don’t blow-dry my hair, it’ll never dry, and I’ll be cold and wet by the time I get to the main house, so I blast my dryer on high and dry it as much as my stamina will allow before twisting it into a bun.
I dress in thick sweatpants and a hoodie, slipping on my boots and coat.
The first thing I notice when I open the door is the clear porch.
Daddy must’ve come by while I was sleeping.
He even made a path to the main house so I wouldn't get my legs wet. Thank god for him. He’s done so much to help make this depressive episode easier.
He delivers my comfort foods weekly, always adding an extra treat in the bags, and has sat with me in the evenings while we watch mindless TV shows or movies.
Mama comes over to help me change my sheets and feed me something that’s not processed, and even Briar’s stopped by, bringing Hudson to say hello.
I have the best family in the world, and I hate that they’re all stuck with this depressed version of me.
As soon as I open the back door of the house, I’m hit with the scent of gingerbread and chattering of voices.
I didn’t think it would just be Mama and Daddy, but anxiety about socializing has my flight instincts threatening to take over.
Mama appears in the kitchen before I can run, her cheeks pink from laughter and the corners of her eyes crinkling with her smile.
“Juniper! Oh, I’m so glad you’re here. I was worried you wouldn’t feel up to coming. Your father’s on his way back with pizza. We even got that cheesy bread you like.” She wraps me in a hug, and her familiar scent eases some of my apprehension.
My body starts to relax, and then I hear the pattering of little feet behind her.
“Hudson, look who’s here!” She scoops up the little boy and tickles his belly.
“Juni! You here!” He reaches out his arms to me, and I take him, wrapping him in a hug.
The first genuine smile I’ve had in a while forces my lips up. It’s hard to feel too sad when the sweetest little boy on the planet is happy to see me. “Hi, Huddy. I love your pajamas.”
“They snowmans.” He points to the print of a snowman holding a cup of hot chocolate.
“I see that. Did Grammy give them to you?”
“No, Oakwey.”
“Oakley, huh?” I give Mama a confused look.
I knew she was helping Briar out by watching Hudson, but I didn’t know she was in ‘buying pajamas’ territory.
“Oakley and Bry have gotten… close recently,” Mama explains as the little boy in my arms squirms until I let him down, running out of the kitchen.
“Oh? How close are we talking?”
“Well, I’ve caught her sneaking out of the house like a teenager twice in the last week, and Oakley showed up today with concealer on her neck.”
My eyebrows shoot to my hairline. “Wow. Good for them, I guess.”
Why wouldn’t Oakley tell me all those times she’s stopped by?
I take off my coat, pushing away the memory of Addison sneaking out to spend the night with me. The memories still burn in my chest. I wish I could get selective amnesia, maybe then it wouldn’t hurt so much.
Mama gives me a sympathetic hand squeeze before leading me to the living room. Oakley and Briar are squished together on the couch, heads bent together, while my sister’s hand rests a little too high on her thigh.
Jealousy slices through me, which brings a wave of guilt. They’ve both been through so much, and finding love after all they’ve lost is a beautiful thing. I hate that my initial reaction is to be upset because I don’t have it anymore.
When they see me, they scoot apart, and Oakley gives me a guilty half smile. More guilt swirls around in my stomach.
“So, when did this happen?” I wave a finger between them as I take a seat on the couch opposite them. “And don’t pretend you’re not together for my sake, please. Let me be happy for you.”
“Well… right after I got here—” Briar starts.
“You’ve been seeing each other for three months, and no one told me?”
“There was an initial attraction, but nothing happened until the night Oakley got stranded at The Mule in October.”
I blink at Oakley. “You got stranded at The Mule? Why didn’t anyone tell me? What else has happened?”
Mama clears her throat. “You’ve been in a haze. You’re barely eating, barely leaving the house. We’re all worried about you, and we didn’t want to add any worry.”
My lip wobbles, and a tear streaks down my cheek. I swipe it away. I’m so goddamned sick of crying. Sick of feeling this way. Sick of missing out on what appears to be life-altering news for my friend and my sister because of my damn emotions.
“I’m sorry,” I choke out. “I’m sorry I’ve been absent. I didn’t… I’m not trying to be. I’m so sorry.”
“Oh, baby, no. No one’s mad at you, I promise. You don’t need to apologize for something out of your control.”
“We know you’re trying to mend a broken heart, and we didn’t want to rub it in your face,” Briar says. “That’s why we didn’t tell you.”
I dry more tears with the sleeve of my hoodie as I nod. “I’m happy for you both, truly. I don’t want you to feel like you can’t tell me good news just because my brain chemicals are off.”
“Good news!” Hudson interjects, adding some levity to the thick tension in the room. “Almost Christmas.”
Everyone laughs.
“You’re right, Huddy,” Mama says. “It’s almost Christmas. What does Christmas mean?”
“Cookies!”
“That’s right. Do you and Briar want to help me bring out the cookies we made earlier?” Mama asks him.
Hudson nods, grabbing Bry’s hand and disappearing into the kitchen.
Oakley comes to sit by me, wrapping her arm around my shoulder. “I’m sorry we didn’t tell you. It’s been kind of a whirlwind, you know?”
“It’s okay. Come over tomorrow night, and you can tell me everything?”
“It’s a date. And boy, do I have lots to tell you. Bry does this thing with her fingers and—”
“Okay, maybe not everything. Let’s keep it PG—wait, no, G.”
She nudges me and rolls her eyes. “Spoil sport.”
“Tell me one thing, though. Does she treat you well?”
“She’s the best thing to happen to me.” She sighs. “I can feel it in my bones that she and that little boy are meant to be in my life forever, you know?”
I do know, because I feel—felt—that way about a certain grumpy blonde. “Yeah. I do.”
After Christmas, I decided enough was enough.
I started painting again to work through my feelings. The watercolor pads went from dark grays and blues to reds and oranges, and now that it’s almost spring, my pages are filled with pastels and lighter, happier colors.
Daddy pulled me aside in January and told me Addison invited him to a rodeo in Idaho next month, and I intend to go.
I need to see her one more time, even if she’s moved on.
In order to mentally prepare to be in the crowd, Colleen and I have been working on a bit of exposure therapy to help with my anxiety.
It started with visiting Shiloh in Great Falls every other Saturday.
She’s slowly been showing me around the city and helping me get used to being in an unfamiliar place with unfamiliar people.
I had a panic attack the first time, but my anxiety has slowly lessened over the last two months, and I managed to make a supply run all by myself with no issues.
Colleen and I debrief every Monday to identify my triggers, and I talked to my psychiatrist and got on a different medication to help me manage. My depression still lingers sometimes, but now that it’s warming up, it’s not as all-consuming.
The exposure therapy and medication aren’t cures; my anxiety is still there, but they’ve helped make it more manageable. I’m packing a bag to spend an entire night in Great Falls for Shiloh’s birthday. We’re going to a fancy steakhouse and out to see some new band Shy’s obsessed with.
A knock on my door pulls me from packing, and Daddy opens the front door, calling my name.
I meet him in the living room, immediately nervous. Daddy’s got his serious face on and a file in his hands.
Slipping his hat off his head, he hangs it next to mine on an empty hook by the door. “Can we chat for a minute, June-bug?”
“Sure… what’s going on?”
Daddy hands me the file.
I open it to find a bunch of projected numbers and a digital mockup of what looks like an indoor arena. “What is this?”
“I want to diversify our income. I’ve been researching training facilities and talking to the town to see if there’s a need for one, and there is.
The closest one is two hours away, and even though Reclamation Ranch has some outdoor areas, having an indoor one would be better so people can train in the winter. ”
“That’s great, Daddy, but… who will teach? I don’t know any rodeo sports. Clayton could train for tie-down roping, but I don’t think that’d bring in enough to cover the costs of building a whole arena.”
He shifts, straightening his shoulders and rubbing his hands together the way he does when he’s about to say something that might not be received well.
“Well, we can interview some people, expand our staff. And… I thought we might offer Addison a job. She was great at teaching lessons over the summer, and Mary—the woman at the facility she’s at—said she’s an excellent racing teacher.”
Hearing her name is a stab to the chest, but it’s not nearly as bad as before. “Wait… have you been keeping tabs on her?”
“No, no. Mary called me about two months ago to ask if I knew of any places around here that Addison might be able to work at. It’s why I started looking into this. Other than her email inviting me to the rodeo next month, I haven’t talked to her. I swear.”
“I think a training facility is a good investment if we can find enough people to teach.”
“I figured you’d like the idea. You can ask Addison if she’s interested when you see her at the rodeo next month.”
“Oh, I’m not planning on talking to her.”
“Why the hell not? You’ve been doing all this work, taking all these big steps, and you’re not going to talk to her? Try to get her back?”
“I may be ready to spend a weekend away from the ranch, but I’m not ready to travel the country while she competes.
This is still my home, my safe place. The thought of being away for too long still makes me anxious.
I’d never ask her to hold herself back for me.
Besides, she’s probably moved on by now.
I need to see that she’s okay, then maybe I can move on, too. ”
Daddy shakes his head. “You know I try not to push you when it comes to your anxiety. I may not understand what goes on inside your head, but I don’t want to be an ignorant, inconsiderate ass about it.
I’m not going to tell you that opening your heart to her after all this time will be easy, but I think it's worth a try. You’ve never looked at another person the way you looked at her, and the heartbreak you’re going through tells me all I need to know about how deep your feelings are.
A love like that doesn’t come around often.
You need to grab it by the horns and never let it go.
Sometimes, love is worth doing the scary thing for, and taking that chance is enough. ”
“I don’t know, Daddy…”
He stands, pulling me into a hug. “Think about it. You’ll know in your heart what the right thing to do is. Now go on, I know you’ve got a big weekend planned with Shiloh. Have fun, be safe.”
“I will.”
He grabs his hat and leaves, and all I can think about is what he said.
Am I ready to do the scary thing for love?