Chapter 4
four
. . .
Eden
Twenty-four hours later, the nurse hands me my discharge paperwork. The doctor says I can stay another night if I want, but I have all the information I need, and there is nothing else this place can do for me.
Felix has been gone a little over an hour to retrieve what he calls his spare car.
It’s his mother’s that he never sold. He’s also getting me a change of clothes.
For a moment, I think that he is just trying to get away from the pathetic and clingy girl—me.
But he comes back, helps me pull on the warmer clothes and get me into the wheelchair.
Felix wheels me out the front door of the hospital, and the wind bites through the material of the oversized black sweatpants and hoodie.
My best friend, Kris, will be pissed I haven’t called her or asked her to pick me up. But my phone is dead, and I don’t have her number memorized, so I can’t even call her using the hospital phone.
It’s cold out, but at least for now there is no wind as he pushes me toward the old sedan nearly identical to ones I’ve seen in photos of my grandparents. It sits by the curb like a giant, grey box on wheels.
Felix opens the door before rushing back to me like a worried hen, to help me up and out of the wheelchair, and into the car.
Everything aches, but my ribs stab me out of nowhere for fun.
And heaven help me if I cough or sneeze.
It’s as if a thousand knives are piercing me and stealing the air from my lungs.
“Here you go,” Felix says, pulling on the seatbelt, then leaning in to fasten it.
He holds it out, careful not to hurt me. Felix is warm in comparison to how I feel inside. I lean into him just enough to catch his alluring scent. He smells like black cherry with a hint of smoke and leather.
With a click, I’m locked into place. He gives me a little smile as he makes sure my arm is comfortable before closing the door.
He takes the wheelchair inside, pulling the hood of his sweatshirt up as he walks, and I can’t stop staring.
How is it that I meet the sexiest guy I’ve ever laid eyes on during the worst moment of my life?
Is it a little dumb to accept a ride with a guy I don’t even know?
Maybe. But the fear feels small compared to the grief.
Grief is bigger and a whole lot meaner. It crawls inside your ribs and eats everything that used to feel human until there is nothing but a gaping hole.
Felix walks around the car, and I spot a grape air freshener hanging from the rearview mirror. My heart leaps into my throat. I can’t catch my breath. Felix’s face drops as he climbs in and looks at me.
“What is it? What’s wrong?”
“Where…did you…get that?”
A shaking finger points at the swaying purple fruit.
“The air freshener?” He shrugs. “Dunno, it was my mom’s. Why?”
He must think I’m a total lunatic for freaking out over a smelly piece of cardboard. My throat works to swallow, but it’s like I’m trying to get down a mouthful of gritty sand.
“My…my dad loved that one,” I finally get out.
He reaches for it. “I can get rid of it.”
“No!” My panic shoots through the roof. “I mean…” I close my eyes and try to breathe. “It just took me by surprise. I like it. It feels familiar.”
Felix studies me for a second too long, like he’s cataloging my reaction instead of judging it. He nods without questioning me further.
“Okay.”
He starts the car and puts it in drive. I gasp as a flash of the crash comes out of nowhere. I grip the door and his arm.
“Eden…what’s going on?”
“I don’t know. I just saw the crash.” Blinking, I look at him. “My heart is racing.”
“I promise that we aren’t going to crash. I’ll go super slow. I’ll even do a lap around the parking lot if you want?”
I’m being ridiculous. Taking a deep breath, I shake my head and force my fingers to let go of his arm.
“It’s okay. I’m fine.”
“You sure?”
His brows pull together, and I nod, unable to say anything else without bursting into tears.
“Alright then. If you need me to stop, just let me know.”
We pull out of the hospital parking lot, and I watch the building disappear in the side view mirror. Felix turns on the radio, and it’s on my favorite station.
“I love classic rock,” I say.
“So do I. They don’t make music the same way they did in the seventies and eighties. Let me guess, you’re a Creedence Clearwater Revival fan?”
The first real smile spreads across my face.
“No, but that was my parents’ favorite, along with The Rolling Stones, Fleetwood Mac, and the Beatles, of course.”
“Of course. So who is your favorite?”
“Oh boy, so many. I love AC/DC and Metallica, but I’m also a big fan of Def Leppard, Motley Crüe, Bon Jovi, Pink Floyd, and I’m totally obsessed with Queen.”
He smiles as we roll to a stop at a red light.
“I like it.”
“What about you?”
“I’m more of a song and vibes guy over a specific band. I listen to the artists and songs I like on shuffle. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I really like The Black Keys, Greta Van Fleet, Royal Blood, but the new stuff just isn’t iconic like We Will Rock You or Highway to Hell.”
“Yeah, I would get into really heated arguments with my dad about the best songs of all time.” Taking a breath, I look out the window. “I guess that’s never happening again.”
Felix grabs my hand and entwines our fingers together.
“It’s going to be okay. I’m not going anywhere.”
“Why are you being so nice to me? You barely know me.”
“Eden, people don’t survive what we did by chance.”
I don’t know what to say to that. Does that mean my parents were meant to die, but I wasn’t? Was I meant to be left alone? Were we meant to be left alone?
“Do you know how many vehicles were in the accident?” I shake my head. “Nineteen. Do you know how many people survived?” I shake my head again. “Two. You and me. That’s it. We are still here. That has to mean something.”
There is a hollowness in my chest, and an intense sadness mixed with fear and confusion. How can all of those be true at the same time?
I’m lost in thought and realize that Felix hasn’t asked me where my house is, but when I look up, we are turning onto my street.
“How do you know where I live?”
Felix turns his head and lifts an eyebrow.
“You told the admin,” he says. “I was there with you. Don’t you remember?”
Little bits of a conversation like that dance just out of reach behind my eyes.
“I’m sorry…I know I’m being weird.”
We pull into my empty driveway, and my parents’ missing car is just another reminder that they’re never coming home.
Felix parks and then turns in his seat to look at me.
“It’s okay, you’ve been through a lot, but we’ll face it together.”
He hops out before I can respond and rushes to open my door. Felix helps me, and we stand there staring at one another long enough that heat warms my cheeks.
“This may hurt, but I won’t drop you.” He sweeps me up into his arms despite his air cast.
I wince as my ribs protest but bite my lip and hold it in as he limps toward my front door. If he can carry me on a broken foot, then I can suck up the ache in my side.
“Do you have a key?”
I glance at the clear plastic bag I’m holding. Felix slowly sets me down on my feet as I dig around for a key ring. I slowly shake my head as a wave of grief threatens to consume me.
“No, but my mother always kept the window in the laundry room unlocked. It’s around the side, but I don’t know if you can reach it without a ladder.”
“Leave that to me,” Felix says.
I point to the correct side of the house, and he walks down the stairs and disappears.
There is no way he is reaching that window.
Fuck, if it’s this difficult just getting into my house, what about…
everything else? University? Forget that.
I never saved, and there is only enough in my college fund for one year.
I need to focus on not losing the house. God, I’ve taken so much for granted.
Covering my mouth, I hold back the tears and quickly pull myself together when the door opens. Felix steps out with a sly smirk.
“Are you part Spiderman?”
“Naw, but I won’t be surprised if a neighbor calls the cops for a break-in,” he teases, picking me up once more.
“You don’t have to carry me.”
“I want to.”
As soon as we step over the threshold, everything comes crashing down. My dad’s glasses are still on the coffee table in the living room where he left them, and my mum’s figurine collection in the cabinet near the television needs a dusting.
The tears rip through me so violently it feels like my soul is trying to escape with them. I can hear them laughing. I can smell fresh-baked apple pie and see ghostly images of them moving around as if they are still here.
My eyes land on the unlit Christmas tree. We were going to have a decorating party when we got home. The one tradition that we kept no matter my age.
Clinging to Felix, I bury my face into the crook of his neck. I don’t notice us walking until we’re in my bedroom.
“How did you know this was mine?”
“Just a good guess,” he says, setting me on the bed and sitting beside me.
My high school graduation photo sits on my desk, mocking me. Me in my gown and my parents smiling wide.
The silence of the room is a noose around my neck. The panic that accompanies the crushing sadness has me gripping at my heart and gasping for breath.
Felix cups my cheeks and forces me to look at him. He exaggerates his breathing to keep me from hyperventilating. It works.
“I’m right here, Eden. I’m not going anywhere. You’re not alone.” He runs his thumbs over my jaw.
“But they’re gone. They’re really gone and never coming back. I can’t do this.”
“You can and you will. I’ll be right here with you. You’re not alone.”
“You’re so strong. How are you so strong when you’ve lost everyone too?”
I sniff and wipe my eyes on the arm of the sweatshirt.
“I’ll always be strong for you, Eden,” he says so quietly I can barely hear it. “You don’t have to survive this alone. We can do it together.”
I nod, wanting to cling to anything solid right now. Felix is the only thing that helps me breathe.
“Why don’t you rest? I’ll go make some tea.”
“Okay…the tea is—”
Felix’s lips brush against my forehead, and my stomach flips.
“I’ll find it. It’s a kitchen. How hard can it be?” He smirks. “Try to get some sleep.”
He’s already standing and pulling the blankets back so I can shift under them. I suck in a deep breath and brace myself against the pain as I lie down. Felix smiles and walks out of my room.
I don’t know what to make of him or this, but right now, Felix is a godsend. I don’t want to be here alone.
Burying myself under the blanket, I let it all out. All the guilt and loss. The hopelessness choking my throat and sitting on my chest.
My life will never be the same.
I can’t even tell up from down anymore.
“I’m sorry, Mom. I’m sorry, Dad,” I whisper over and over, until darkness and nightmares yank me under.