Chapter 16
sixteen
. . .
Eden
The buzzing noise makes no sense, but its persistence pulls me out of a deep sleep. Blinking, I have no idea what time it is or even what day. I reach for my phone, see Kris’s face, and a flash of annoyance goes through me. With a heavy sigh, I hit talk.
“Hey…what’s going on?”
“Thank God. Where have you been?” Kris is frantic.
“I got home from the lawyer’s office and fell asleep. I was wiped.”
“Please tell me that Felix isn’t there?”
God not this again. I glance at the open door, and a light is shining up from downstairs. My hand balls into a fist.
“He is. Why? What’s going on now,” I ask my voice as cool as steel.
I slide my legs over the edge of the bed as gingerly as possible. My ribs ache, my arm is annoying, but my ankle really hates me today after the fall.
“I knew there were red flags with this guy. Do you know that his father is in prison,” Kris asks, her voice a conspiratorial whisper.
“Yeah, he mentioned it.”
“Did he tell you for what?”
Pinching the bridge of my nose, I try to ward off the headache forming.
“No, I never asked, and it didn’t come up. I’ve had more important things on my mind,” I say, irritation in every word.
I just said goodbye to my family. I had a horrible day at the lawyer’s office. The fall seems to have aggravated my ankle, and Kris is calling me about Felix’s father.
“I’m not surprised Felix wants to keep it secret,” she says, practically snarling. “His father murdered someone.”
I sit quietly waiting for the rest, because there has to be more than that.
“Did you hear me?”
“Yeah, I’m waiting to hear why you are in such a huff.”
“What do you mean? His father straight up killed a guy in cold blood. You add that to his weird behavior, and I’d say that’s pretty serious, Eden.”
What weird behavior? I shake my head and focus on being calm. Kris is still my best friend and biting her head off is only going to escalate the situation.
“Okay…let me make sure I understand this. You are saying that because Felix’s father is in prison for murder, and he has been helping me since the crash, that what…he’s planning on killing me too?”
“Well…yeah. I mean this is big and then if you add in the rats, that’s a huge red flag. Why wouldn’t he tell you? What is he trying to hide? He basically materialized out of nowhere, conveniently when you needed him and were most vulnerable, and has been with you ever since.”
I suck in a deep breath, and count to ten before I say something I can’t take back. I end up wincing and biting my lip instead.
“Are you not going to say anything,” Kris barks into the phone like an angry dog.
Tranquil thoughts…be calm.
“Kris, I get that you’re worried, but…I like Felix. He has been a real help through all of this.”
“But—”
“No, let me finish,” I bite out firmly, feeling a tiny piece of the old me coming back.
Kris sighs into the phone but doesn’t interrupt.
“You have no proof about the rats, so stop bringing it up. Also, you and Kyle can’t be here to help me all the time.
You have school, work, and your own lives.
I understand all of that. Felix has been a real lifeline for me, whether you like him or not.
Can he be too pushy and overstepping? Yes, but he’s also here when no one else is.
None of my family lives nearby, and even if my aunt offered to stay, I wouldn’t want her to.
Can you honestly say that you’d rather see me struggle and have no one than let him help me because of something his father did? ”
“Eden, I know you want to see the best in him, but the apple may not fall far from the tree. You need to be careful.”
I grab my cane and stand. It’s a good thing she’s not in front of me, or I’d be tempted to hit her with it. I’m fucking annoyed and done with this conversation.
“Kris, I’m sorry, but this is a ridiculous argument.
That’s like saying every person out there who has a shitty parent is going to be the same way.
It’s a really unfair statement to make. You may want to check your privilege considering you’ve always had a perfect home and have no idea what it’s like to live with anything but love and support. ”
“Ouch, I’m just looking out for you.” The hurt in her voice is real, but I just can’t find it in me to feel bad.
“Again, I get it. And if I had plans to date or be around his father, then I’d say you have a reason to be concerned. But you’re casting assumptions on Felix, and that’s not fair. Do you know who his father killed or why?”
“Yeah, but what’s the point in telling you when you’re just going to tell me I’m being stupid? My shift is starting. I need to go.” She sighs dramatically. “Talk to you later.”
She hangs up before I can say goodbye. Great…
just great. I know she means well, but Kris has always been like this.
She’ll see someone with clothes she doesn’t like or with a limp and make up some wild story.
When we were kids, and I didn’t know better, it was funny.
It’s not funny anymore. No one knows what someone else is going through, what they’ve survived, and I can’t stand by and let her do the same thing to Felix.
I glance at the time before leaving my room. It’s eight p.m., and it’s the longest I’ve slept since before the accident.
Heading down the hall, I tackle the stairs. Each one causes me to wince, but I manage to make it to the bottom of the stairs and stop dead.
The Christmas tree that has sat in the corner, empty of ornaments since before the accident, now has lights and is decorated.
Felix has his back to me, and I don’t know if I want to cry or throw something at him.
“What are you doing?”
Felix spins around, holding a photograph in his left hand and an ornament in his right.
“Oh…um…well, it was supposed to be a surprise. I wanted to have it all done before you woke up.”
“Felix…this is something I used to do with my parents.” I point at the tree. “Our tradition. I wasn’t going to decorate it at all. It felt wrong now that they’re gone.”
He slowly steps toward me, the turmoil of emotions swirling in my chest.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t know.”
“Because you don’t ask, you just do. You don’t see me showing up wherever you live and involving myself with all your personal stuff, do you?”
He looks back at the tree and then at me again.
“I’m sorry. Being here and doing things for you…” He shrugs. “It makes me feel useful and helpful. I just wanted to do something nice to make up for everything before, and here I am doing it again.”
Guilt settles in my gut and swirls around with the frustration and grief. All I can do is push it aside for now, because dealing with it head-on is too much.
“Just…please ask. That’s what I really need.”
“I can take all the decorations off and put them away if you want?”
My eyes roam over the tree. The lights are placed as if my dad did it, and the ornaments are exactly where my mum loved them. I slowly shake my head.
“I thought it would feel like a betrayal to their memory to decorate the tree without them.”
“And now?” Felix probes.
I shrug. “I’m not sure. I can’t decipher a single emotion right now.”
“What would your parents want you to do? Do you think they want you to mourn them by not doing the things they loved to do with you? Or would they want you to continue your traditions? Thinking of them and celebrating their lives. They must have been extraordinary people to have raised someone as wonderful as you?”
I run my lower lip through my teeth and meet his eyes.
“Just tell me what you want, and I’ll do it. If you want me to take everything down, I will,” he says, his voice soft.
“No, leave it.”
Like everything else with Felix, he dives headfirst into something he has no right to do but somehow…it always ends up being what I need. The turtle handle of the cane digs into my palm, my body trembling as I look at the glittering tree as if seeing it for the very first time.
Felix steps forward and shows me the picture in his hand.
“This was stuck to the fridge.” It’s a photo from last Christmas. “I thought I could copy it so that it matches.”
He holds it out to me, and I blink away the tears trying to form. I’m so tired of crying.
“They’re identical,” I say, more to myself than him.
It’s incredible how, despite the trees being real ones and different shapes, he still managed to get everything in the same spots.
“Pretty close. I have a few ornaments left. Do you want to put them on?”
He holds out the adorable custom ornament that my parents gave me last year. Another tradition of ours, one new ornament a year.
The pretty snow globe is a perfect little replica of our house. No bigger than an apple, the light catches the glass when I lift it. Santa’s sleigh is sitting in the front yard, loaded with gifts. There is only one gift I want this year, and it’s one that I’ll never get.
Hobbling to the tree, I spot the branch inches over from where it hung last year, and with trembling fingers, I hook the little metal wire in place.
A wash of love comes over me, and I can feel my parents.
I smell freshly baked goodies and my dad’s cologne.
I hear the carols as we argue about what board game to play on Christmas Eve.
I cover my mouth and close my eyes, trying to hang onto the images in my mind.
The smiles on their faces are a double-edge sword.
It lances my heart, but I’ll take the pain to keep them here with me.
Felix wraps his arm around my shoulders but doesn’t say anything. He just lets me feel. It’s as if he knows me better than I know myself. Is that insane? He can see what I need even when I don’t.
I slowly tilt my head up and stare at him, not sure what to make of any of these feelings, and not sure I want to analyze them.
He finally looks down at me. His eyes are as clear and blue as a cloudless sky in July. Just as warm as a summer sun, and they seem to be the only thing that can make me feel like I might be okay.
“You look like you want to say something,” Felix says softly.
He touches my chin and runs his thumb over my lower lip.