Chapter 20
twenty
. . .
Eden
“What the hell is he doing here?”
Kyle sounds annoyed, and I know before looking that he must be talking about Felix.
My eyes dart up, and sure enough, Felix is standing on the porch. He looks like a dark shadow with the light at his back.
Felix is smiling with his hands in his pockets, but there is an air of danger around him.
The same unease that you might feel walking down an alley late at night when you see someone walking toward you.
A light prickle forms at the back of my neck, but it’s not fear that I feel as the sensation moves down my spine and heating every part of me.
My stomach flips with the thrill of him being here.
“I guess he’s waiting for me,” I say, and Kyle turns his head to look at me.
“I don’t like this guy, Eden. I mean it. There is something very wrong with him.”
Anger burns in my chest, and I grip my cane tighter.
“You don’t even know him. Not really. Why won’t you just give him a chance? Why are you and Kris so determined to make him out to be some cartoon-like villain?”
Kyle’s eyes harden.
“Because I know his type and he’s going to try and come between us.”
“Excuse me? He’s doing no such thing. It’s you and Kris who are being weird and frankly fucking rude. Let me guess, you believe this bullshit about the rats too?”
Kyle grabs my arm and out of the corner of my eye, I see Felix take a step closer, his expression dark.
“Eden, listen to me…I can just tell. Trust me.”
I jerk my arm free, furious with him now.
“Kyle, I really don’t know why you and Kris have a problem with him. When I told Felix that I was going to your parents’ house for dinner, he told me that I deserved to have fun with my friends and not to worry about him.”
Kyle huffs.
“Please, classic guilt move. He’s playing you, and you’re just too blinded by his good looks to see it.”
“From where I’m sitting, the only person putting a wedge between us is you two.”
The words taste bitter in my mouth, but it’s exactly how I feel. Kyle’s mouth opens and then closes.
“I don’t want to hear what you have to say, Kyle. You and I are not dating, but you’re acting like a jealous boyfriend.”
“Eden…that’s not it.”
“Here I thought you were my best friend and wanted me to be happy, but you seem determined to have me sit home alone, struggle, and drown in a sea of depression and sadness that is so strong I can hardly breathe.” I hold up my fingers and make little air quotes.
“Just because you don’t approve of the guy I like?
I have news for you, Kyle. You’re not my father. Stop acting like you are.”
Felix steps down from the porch, probably wondering what’s taking so long. I hastily grab my stuff, including the lava lamp.
“Fuck…Eden,” Kyle starts.
I glare at him. “No. You’ve said enough.”
Felix walks around the car, opens the door, and leans in, smiling at Kyle.
“Hey man, Merry Christmas.”
Kyle looks at me, then at Felix.
“Yeah, same to you,” he says, but it’s easy to tell that he doesn’t mean it.
Felix helps me out, and I wait until Kyle has left before relaxing into his arms.
“Are you okay? Did you not have a good time tonight,” Felix asks, as he gently rubs over the spot that Kyle was gripping.
I look up, and his face only shows concern. It’s then I realize he is soaked.
“Jesus…how long were you out here?”
He lifts a shoulder and lets it drop.
“Didn’t really feel like going home. It’s too quiet, and I didn’t decorate.”
“So, you’ve been out here since I left?”
“I went and got a coffee from the gas station, but they closed at six.”
“Now I feel like a jackass,” I say as he noticeably shivers. “Come on, let’s get inside. Why didn’t you just go in and wait? And before you lie, I know you can get in if you want to.”
Felix chuckles and takes my bag before helping me across the packed snow.
“Don’t feel bad. I wanted to wait out here, and I wanted you to go and have fun. Did you?”
“Yeah, I did,” I say with a genuine smile. “But I wish you’d been allowed to come.”
Felix’s face lights up, making my heart pound. We get inside, and even though he must be freezing, he helps me remove my winter gear and puts it away before taking care of himself.
“How are you not frozen?”
I’m staring at his half-soaked hoodie and jeans.
“I’m fine. The cold doesn’t bother me,” Felix says.
Well, that’s absurd. I take his hand and limp toward the stairs.
“Do you want me to carry you up,” he asks sheepishly as I make it up one stair.
I look at him, and he presses his lips together like he’s trying not to laugh at me.
“Fine,” I sigh, giving in.
Felix is always so careful and knows exactly how to hold me so that it doesn’t feel like knives stabbing me.
I can’t help but stare at the tattoo on his neck.
“Do you want to go to your room,” he asks when we reach the landing.
“No. Go start the shower, and I’ll see what my dad has that will fit you.”
“You don’t need to do that. I can just wear a towel and put my clothes in the dryer.”
“Felix, it’s okay.” I look at the closed door. “I have to go in there sometime.”
“If that’s what you want.”
He slowly sets me down on my feet and waits until I’m stable with my cane. I’m moving better, and as much as I hate the exercises, they really do seem to help.
My heart races as I stand in front of my parents’ bedroom. Reaching for the handle is as surreal as an out-of-body experience. The smell of my mother’s perfume hits me in the face when I open the door.
Taking just a moment, I close my eyes and picture her. She used to flit around the room like a honeybee with a wide smile on her face. My mother rarely ever got angry or sad, and if she did, she hid it so well that I never knew.
I flick on the lights and enter a time capsule.
Nothing has changed. The bed is made, and everything is exactly as it should be.
I’m not sure what I expected. Maybe my parents’ unruly ghosts.
Or maybe this is the moment when I wake from the terrible nightmare that refuses to end, like the door is an escape hatch.
But I’m not so lucky, and I’m not ready to worry about it tonight.
The shower turns on down the hall as I wander over to the closet and pull open the bi-fold doors.
I dig through my dad’s sweatpants and find a black pair that have never been worn.
Then I search for a T-shirt. Dad wasn’t as tall as Felix, but Mum always bought our comfy clothes one size too big.
She felt relaxing shouldn’t be constrictive.
I shut the door behind me, closing my memories inside. The bathroom door is open, and I can see Felix’s reflection in the mirror. He is nothing more than a shadow behind the curtain, but watching his hands move over his body sets my heart racing, and I quickly look away.
“Hey,” I call out, trying to retain some bit of formality. “I have clothes for you. I’ll just leave them by the door.”
He grabs the edge of the curtain and pokes his head out. Good Lord, why does he have to be so hot?
“Why? Just come in.”
“But…um…”
Felix gives me a lopsided grin that’s seemingly sweet and playful. But his eyes…they burn with an emotion that’s new to me. Lust is my best interpretation. I swallow, and it feels like a ball of sawdust is lodged in my throat. Then he disappears.
“You were practically naked when I helped you shower, and after the other night on the couch, I thought we were past being…so formal. Besides, I want you in here,” he says.
Against my better judgment, and lured by his ridiculously hypnotic aura, I limp in and place the clothes on the counter before leaning against it.
Steam rises and ripples over the curtain like smoke. I can’t seem to peel my eyes away from his shadowy silhouette. I gasp when he grabs his dick and runs his hand up and down. He moves on to his abs, but I’m now fixated and can’t look away.
Holy shit. It’s really hot in here. Grabbing the front of my blouse, I pull it away from my chest.
Am I sweating?
“Tell me how dinner was,” Felix says, and I blink, trying to process the words.
“It was…good,” I mumble and follow his hand as it lowers once more. “They had food,” I stupidly say as he grabs his hard—and oh my god—way too large cock. My brain is reduced to a group of squirrels chasing shiny balls.
“That’s it? What kind of food?”
The squirrels start running into one another. The chaos is off the charts as I watch him. Each stroke seems to match the pounding rhythm of my heart.
“Um…food, yes. Chicken, lots of chicken.”
I cross my arms over my chest, trying to hide the fact that my nipples are hard and ache.
They look like they’re about to poke through the material despite my bra.
My hip digs into the counter. His hand is still gripping his shaft, and a soft groan reaches my ears over the sound of water.
I should leave, give him privacy, but…I can’t move.
Felix’s hand stops.
“Are you still there?” Felix’s voice is rough and makes me shiver like he just ran his fingers down my back.
“Yes,” I squeak.
“Did you use your camera?”
“Y…yes,” I breathe out as his hand starts to move again.
Is spontaneous combustion real? Is that what’s happening to me?
He stops and pulls open the curtain again just enough to look out. My cheeks burn with embarrassment as my gaze snaps up to his. Does he know I’m watching? I’m frozen like a rat in a trap as I stare into his blue eyes.
“Do you want to help me,” he asks, running his tongue along his piercing.
“Help?”
“Yeah.”
“Um…”
“You don’t have to get in the shower or get wet unless you want to.”
He smiles, and my heart forgets how to beat.
“Roll up your sleeve.”
“Okay,” I say, doing just that.
“Good. Come here, Pretty Thing.”
He holds out his hand and like a moth to a flame, I limp over to him.
What the hell am I doing?
“Lean against the wall so you don’t fall over.”
He turns his back to the spray, and even though I know what’s coming, I take a steadying breath as he wraps my hand around the base of his shaft. It’s hard, and yet, so soft and wet.
“Are you scared?”
I shake my head.
That’s a lie. I’m terrified.
I hate that I’m new to all of this, but it feels oddly right that it’s Felix introducing me to these experiences.
My pulse pounds in my ears.
I don’t look, but I can feel everything, and that’s enough to make me tremble with desire.
His cock slides through my hand, and my fingers bump against metal…what the hell. It’s not just one. He has multiple piercings. It feels like a ladder and a ring. An aching starts between my thighs when Felix groans loudly. The deep, guttural sound is addictive.
“You want to play with the piercings,” he asks, reading my mind.
“Yeah.”
He lets go of my hand, and I’m free to explore. My fingers tentatively touch the smooth balls. I count six in a row before reaching the ring.
“Fuck that feels good. Grip me harder.”
I squeeze, and he wraps his hand around mine.
“You won’t hurt me. I like it rough.”
He grips my hand tighter and then begins to move at a steady pace. I hold my breath, loving the raspy sounds he makes.
It’s a good thing I’m not Catholic. I would feel obligated to confess the wicked things I want to do to him.
Felix moves faster, thrusting into our joined hands. All I can picture is him doing that to me. I don’t know what that will feel like, but I desperately want to have that experience.
“Oh fuck…feels so good,” Felix moans.
Desire pools between my legs and I rub my thighs together as best I can.
“Yes…that’s it…right there. Tighter. Squeeze me tighter,” he growls. The sound is animalistic, and my knees almost give out. “Fuck…Pretty Thing, you’re incredible.”
The compliment lights up my chest with a pride I’ve never known.
“Fuck yes…I’m coming.”
I can feel the full-body tremor through my grip. He swears, and I catch a glimpse of something white hit the bottom of the tub and disappear down the drain. I bite my lip to keep from moaning right along with him.
Felix slowly releases my hand, then opens the curtain enough that I can see half of his body and his still very erect cock.
He lifts my chin with his finger and water from his hair lands on my lips.
He kisses me softly, then licks the droplets off while I can hardly remember how to breathe, let alone move.
“You’re such a good girl.”
“I am?”
His lip curls up in what I’m sure is the same smirk the serpent gave Eve when he tempted her to take the forbidden fruit.
“Yeah…you are. Give me a few minutes to finish up, then we’ll head to bed and get some sleep.”
He disappears.
Sleep? Who the fuck can sleep after that?
With my hand over my heart, I close my eyes and try to get control of the lustful thoughts running wild.
The water shuts off.
“Can you pass me a towel?”
Felix whips open the curtain, and I stand there staring at the sexiest man I’ve ever laid eyes on, unable to move. Hard cut abs, defined chest and arms. The tattoos covering his skin are a work of art.
“Eden?”
My eyes dart up to his.
“Towel? Unless, of course, you want me to air-dry.”
I quickly grab the closest towel and hand it to him. He snatches my wrist before I can move away.
“Don’t be ashamed of wanting to look at me,” he whispers, putting my palm on his chest. “I love it when you stare.”
In that moment, I realize that I want him to be my first. The thought takes me by surprise, but it feels…right.
When I’m near him, the grief doesn’t disappear.
It just loosens its hold long enough for me to remember that I’m still capable of wanting things like love and desire. He reminds me that it’s okay to still be amongst the living.
That I can grieve and still be me.