Chapter Forty-Four
Jay
Irush him and jump into his arms, wrapping my legs around him, but he doesn’t return with the same enthusiasm. I dismount. “You’re not hugging me back. What’s wrong?”
His face is long, like the weight of the world has returned, and only he can carry it.
“Caleb. Talk to me. What’s the matter?” I cup his cheek, but he intercepts my affection and rejects it.
And not only does he reject it, he physically creates more distance by stepping back from me.
My wolf whimpers.
“I need you to stay with Jemma while I sort some things out.”
My chest hurts at his words. “Okay. Did I do something wrong?”
“No, no, you . . . You didn’t do anything wrong. I just need some time.”
“Time? Time for what?”
“Things are just happening so fast, and I can’t think when you’re around. After you’re done training for the day, you’ll go to Jemma’s. I’ll make sure to have your things moved and ready for you.”
Anxiety creeps up and panic seeps in.
I’m losing him.
“I–I don’t understand. I thought we were fine.”
He’s silent. No response is even worse than the words he has been speaking. It’s the unknown that scares me.
“Are we okay?” I ask softly.
“Yes,” he says, but I’m not convinced.
“Then can’t we just spend the rest of my birthday together, and I can go to Jemma’s tomorrow?” I hate how needy I sound, but I can’t help it.
“No,” he says too quickly.
Okay, now I know something’s up.
“Why?”
Hypervigilant, I scan his face and body for proof my core belief is true—that he doesn’t love me and never has. Now that he’s figured that out, he’s going to leave me. Because I am unlovable.
He stays silent.
“Can you say something? Please?”
He looks around like he wants to disappear. But if he was expecting me to play cool about his sudden switch-up and just accept it, he’s wrong. I am a ball of anxiety, and it’s because I am truthfully scared of losing him.
Is that it? Is he just scared? It would explain the sudden change in demeanor and nothing about this was making any sense. Something must have spooked him. I just need to find out what, and we can work it out.
Sternly, I ask, “What. Happened?”
His mouth twitches, and his face morphs into irritation. He snaps at me. “You. You happened.”
I blink in shock. Softly, I ask, “What?”
“You killed my father, Jay.”
“This again?” I don’t want to minimize the significance of that reality, but I thought we were past it.
Maybe something triggered him, my wolf suggests.
Maybe. I could understand that. It certainly could explain his behavior. I also consider his mother might have said something to him. Surely this can’t be what he’s upset about, out of the blue.
He’s got the weight of the world on his shoulders, but he’s always been so calm and collected. If he would just let me in, he wouldn’t have to carry the burden alone. If we’re going to be together, he has to learn that he can lean on me.
“Don’t do that. Don’t push me away.” Whatever it is, we can fight it.
He paces, biting his nails, sweat glistening along his brow. I’ve never seen him panic like this before.
I reach for his arm. “If you would just tell me what’s wrong—”
He flinches at my touch. And the rejection . . . it hurts.
“Dammit, Jay! You killed my father! I can’t forgive that and neither will anyone else.” His eyes blaze into mine.
“You don’t mean that,” I say, but it’s laced with fear and uncertainty.
Caleb’s shoulders heave up and down as he glares at me. His silence a response in itself.
I’m hurt and angry. I don’t just want answers but deserve them. “Tell me what’s changed within the last hour.”
“Nothing’s changed,” he hisses. “You’ve always been who you are. I just lost my way. You’re nothing but a cold-blooded killer. A monster.” Caleb’s nostrils flare.
His insults strike me in the heart, and I bleed tears. But this time, the pain doesn’t follow with a wave of endorphins. The only thing rolling through me now is devastation.
I am ready to move forward and shouldn’t have to defend myself time and time again. I’m hard enough on myself without Caleb constantly adding to it. And I’ll be damned if I let him—or anyone else—talk to me this way.
Not anymore.
I shake my head, and my voice quivers from his betrayal. “No.” My nostrils flare, and I raise my voice, pointing my finger at him. “No, you don’t get to call me that!”
I pause. “I am sorry for what I did to your father. I truly am. I think about it every day, but I can’t spend the rest of my life apologizing for my survival when no one ever fights for me.”
Caleb continues watching me, and it’s the final nail in the coffin. I’m the monster? I would never watch someone I claim to love break in front of me and do absolutely nothing.
The truth hits me in the face.
Because he doesn’t love me.
“You think I take pleasure from others’ pain, but I have only ever found pleasure in my own. From where I stand, the only one who finds enjoyment in the pain of others is you.”
***
Like a dog with its tail between its legs, I knock on Jemma’s door. I don’t have much of anything but essentials and the clothes Taya let me borrow.
It was a safe bet that I could leave directly from training and go straight to Jemma’s.
The door groans and a beaming Jemma appears with an apron around her waist to greet me. “Come on in. I’ve got a room ready for you.” She ushers me in, and I follow her up the stairs that creak as I step on them.
Jemma shows me to Alaina’s old room, makes sure I have everything I need, then leaves. It’s a pretty standard guest room, stocked with only the essentials—not that I expected or needed anything more. It’s perfect. I take in the space and as empty as it is, compared to how I’m feeling, it’s full.
I place my head in my hands and sob.
What were we even fighting about? How did things blow up like they did? I don’t understand.
We were fine. Then he just blew up at me—for no reason at all. Oh, and his face! The way he looked at me with pure hatred. I didn’t even recognize him. And when he called me a monster? He knows how I feel about that, yet he still said it.
He was angry, is all, my wolf says.
That doesn’t make me his punching bag.
I’m sure he didn’t mean it.
I don’t know . . . He was quick to say it. Probably his true feelings coming to light.
Ugh, I hate him!
No, you don’t, my wolf says.
. . . No, I don’t. And that’s my problem.
What was I thinking? I wasn’t thinking. I’m a rogue, and he’s the future alpha whose father I killed. Of course what we did meant nothing to him. Of course he felt nothing for me. We are nothing. Despite what he made me feel, I’m not special. I’m just another notch under his belt.
That must be it.
The way he looked at me, the way he touched me and the things he said—I made it up. All of it. I misread our time together as a mutual feeling was simply just of lust and convenience.
He could never care for me. Even if he did, he shouldn’t care for me. Despite how horrible he was, I still didn’t deserve him—not after what I did.
Caleb is my karma. The Goddess’s cruel way of getting back at me for what I’ve done. And dammit, did it hurt.
Even if I hadn’t killed his father, I’m damaged goods. I’m not pure. I’m not pretty. I don’t have curves to die for.
When is it my turn to be loved? Wanted? Cared for? Cherished?
I’d experienced every kind of pain. But I didn’t even consider heartache. Scarred, bruised, and now broken, too? I don’t stand a chance.
The pain is bubbling up inside me, and no amount of tears can get it out. But I need to release it from my body.
What a lousy birthday.
I need to do something. So I call on my wolf, letting her come forward just enough for my finger to transform into a claw. Taking my talon to my wrist, I slice.