Prey for Me

Chapter Forty-Six

Jay

It’s one of those days again. For the past forty-eight hours, I’ve been like this—fatigued.

My demons have returned to remind me that I’m unworthy of survival. That’s when I cut. Not to kill myself, but to distract myself from my own mind.

I’ve spent the majority of my time in bed unless Jemma needed something. For the most part, I think I’m past crying. Now, I’m just a hollow shell, existing when I wish I didn’t.

Then there are days like this where wanting to die is the sole motivation for getting out of bed.

I don’t want to kill myself, nor do I have plans to.

No, I want my fate to be more passive than that.

I crave a natural disaster to take me out of my misery, to catch a fatal sickness—a freak accident would be fine, too. Just something.

On days like this, I’m less careful about my safety. I’ve taken many late-night walks in the woods hoping something would attack me. But the irony is I’m the one people are afraid of.

Let me be clear: I don’t want to die because some guy doesn’t love me.

Although I’m sure others would love to minimize it.

It’s because I am unlovable. Sure, a male reaffirmed that belief for me, but it existed before him.

I can have moments of security in myself, but I’m not afraid to admit that sometimes I need more.

These issues predate Caleb. I just thought I was past them.

For whatever reason, I got better, and that it wasn’t a coincidence it started when Caleb came around.

I had hoped maybe he was the cure. In hindsight, it was na?ve to think my problems just went away, but I hadn’t had them since I got here.

Now they’re back—stronger than ever—like they’re making up for lost time.

After a knock on the door, Taya peeks her head in without waiting for permission. “Hey sorry. Jemma let me in.”

I sit up and comb my bird’s nest with my fingers. Taya is one of those women who always looks put together and makes time to put effort into her appearance in the morning. I admire the self-love that takes.

“Hey, Taya.”

She sits on the bed. “How’re you doing?”

“I’m fine.”

She gives me a look, pressing her lips together and squinting, not buying my lie. “You know Jemma doesn’t know how to keep her mouth shut, right? She told me you’ve been holed up here or wandering around Bloodhound territory aimlessly for the past couple days.”

It shouldn’t come as a surprise to me that Jemma sensed something was wrong. I made it obvious.

“What’s going on?”

I tell her everything. About Caleb. Being a rogue. Even how I killed Alpha Jack.

“Come on. Get up.” Taya tosses clothes at me.

She was nice to give me the clothes she doesn’t wear anymore. Which, by the boxes she gave me, I would have thought was her entire wardrobe.

“Where are we going?”

“We are going outside, and you are going to get some sunshine.” Then she’s out the door.

***

I have to hand it to Taya. Watching people get beaten up isn’t the worst way to spend my time. Although it’s not improving my depressive state, I guess it’s better to not be alone in it.

“Forgive me for asking, but . . . you’re a beta to the Queen . . . and wife to the King’s beta. How is it that you don’t know how to fight?”

“I never learned,” Taya says.

“Why? Is it because you don’t like fighting or would no one teach you . . . ?”

“Caleb’s father and mother really didn’t believe in violence. So, no one really trained in combat except for the Wallers and Alaina, when they assumed she might become Bloodhound’s next luna,” Taya explains.

I can appreciate where Alpha Jack and Luna Kathy were coming from, but I surprise myself when I don’t agree. I didn’t think there was anyone who would reject violence more than me, but I guess I was wrong. I hated being forced to fight, but I’m thankful I could. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be here.

“What do you think?” I ask.

“I may not like to fight, but I understand that it’s important to know how. Especially in my position.”

“Do you want to learn?”

“I do, but I don’t think I’ll be any good at it . . . On the other hand, I also don’t like feeling helpless.”

I’m taken aback. “When have you ever felt helpless?”

Taya tugs at the grass beneath us, fidgeting with a blade, tearing at it until there’s nothing left. She pulls more grass up again. She stares off at the grassy field, squinting from the sun rays, revealing she has freckles just like me.

“It’s not always rainbows and roses being in a pack. I’ll admit, the pros outweigh the cons—by far. But it’s scary to have love for someone because it means you could lose them one day. Or worse, if someone decides to take them from you.”

“I don’t mean to offend you, but . . . what I’ve heard is that you have love . . . and if the worst thing you’ve had to deal with is being afraid of the inevitable . . . I’m sorry, but that still sounds like a good life.”

Taya looks up at the sky as if she’s trying to understand what I’ve just said. I clarify further. “I mean, isn’t the saying it’s better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all’? To have people love you . . .” I scoff and shake my head. “I’d say that’s pretty lucky.”

“I don’t feel helpless because I’m loved. I feel helpless because . . .” She pauses.

“Because what?”

She sighs. “When Colin attacked Crescent, I was tasked with keeping the King and Queen’s son safe.

I was trusted with their only heir to the throne.

My job was to run as fast as I could to get him to safety .

. . When Colin imprisoned me, as bad as that was, it didn’t compare to the fear I had when I wasn’t confident enough to protect the most important being in the entire realm—my best friend’s pup. ”

“I couldn’t protect any of them. All I could do was run and hope no one caught up to me,” she says. “I’ve never told anyone this, but even as a beta’s wife and beta to the Queen, I still don’t feel like I truly have a purpose, you know?”

“I know exactly what you mean.”

I really do. Being able to save my own life, time and time again, hardly seemed meaningful without a purpose. To survive was not the same as thriving. I’ve always wanted something more.

“I know, it’s cliché, but I want to be a mom. Always have.” She chuckles.

I shake my head. “Not at all. Being a parent is important. I know what it’s like to grow up without them.”

“What happened to them? If you don’t mind me asking.”

“I don’t really know. I don’t remember much from when I was younger.”

“I’m sorry to hear that.”

I just nod, so she can keep the floor.

“It’s just . . . As a little girl, the only thing I wanted to do was to playhouse as the mom and take care of my baby dolls .

. . And then . . . I don’t know . . . Something changed when they handed me Evan.

I can’t explain it, but the idea of motherhood scared me and something I always wanted, but I started thinking maybe I wasn’t ready for or . . . good enough for it.”

“All because you can’t fight?”

“Come on, what wolf can’t protect their pup?”

I face her and extend my hand to her. “There’s still time to learn.” I grin. “How about it?”

***

Well. She’s not wrong—Taya can’t fight to save her life.

But she’ll learn in time . . . I hope. I want her to be able to protect herself, but she’s really struggling.

It’s not because of weakness or anything.

It’s because this girl doesn’t have a mean bone in her body.

Her not hurting people isn’t wrong. She worries about what that means for her as a mother, but she and Sam balance each other out.

I never wanted to be the bad guy. I was forced to be. And here’s Taya, wishing she could be.

I admire Taya for her innocence. I just hope this world lets her keep it. She’s probably the first person I’ve met outside of my herd to not see me as a monster.

I can see why Taya said training was so scary and why Sam worries about her not being able to fight. Protecting someone doesn’t make me feel any less scared if they can’t protect themselves.

“Maybe . . . we should . . . take a break,” Taya says between pants.

I giggle. “Okay. Take a break.”

My wolf picks up on a dominant aura approaching. Everyone bares their neck in submission to him out of respect. I follow their lead, looking down at the ground with my neck exposed to him.

“Taya,” King Dax acknowledges her, and once he does, she turns her head and meets his eyes in return.

I return his regard, giving my full attention and direct eye contact—without a hint of challenge.

It seems that was the right move.

“Where’d you learn to fight?”

I avert my gaze and tuck my hair behind my ear.

I take a deep breath, inhaling the courage to be honest. “I’ve been in a lot of dogfights.” The champion, to be exact.

He nods slowly. Seeming to find enough life in the partial truth, I breathed to piece it together. I don’t know how, but he understands. He sees it, sees me. And it’s nice that what I see staring back for the first time is not judgment.

“Your abilities are impressive. They say people can only do or teach. It’s rare someone excels at both. You are rare.”

“Wow. Thank you, Your Majesty. That . . . means a lot.”

“You’ve been doing well. I’d like you to start considering a full-time position at my pack as a warrior.”

“Oh, I’d be honored, Your Majesty. But—But I don’t know—”

“Hey. No pressure. Just think about it. Let me know.” The king jogs away to help others.

It’s then I lock eyes with Caleb. I tug on the wrist wraps—the ones I pulled from Alaina’s old closet—nervously.

Caleb sees this, and it’s like he can see right through me that I’m hiding something. He squints his skepticism.

Did he see?

“It’s pretty hot to be wearing wrist wraps, don’t you think?”

I’ve been wracking my brain trying to figure out where we stand. Are we together? Are we over? If we were never really together, would it even be considered a breakup? Or did we just have a fight?

Meanwhile, he’s pretending like nothing happened. No “Can we go somewhere to talk?” No apology, explanation, nothing.

“That’s all you have to say to me? It’s too hot to be wearing wrist wraps’?” I shake my head. “You know, if that’s all you were going to say, you shouldn’t have even bothered.”

Caleb looks hurt, which baffles me even more. He opens his mouth to say something, but the king’s command stops him.

“Mutt! Jay! Come here.”

I walk past Caleb, making a beeline for the king.

“I want you to learn this lesson, mutt. When it comes to training your pack, it’s important to know what motivates them. To do that, I’m going to have Jay assist me.” King Dax smirks, and Caleb pales. The king gently pulls on my arm to move me directly in front of him, facing Caleb.

Caleb appears to be sweating. He seems incredibly nervous and . . . fearful? Should I be scared? Am I in danger?

I’m thinking I maybe should run when the king says, “I’m not going to hurt you.” He says it like he’s had to say this time and time again. “This is a good lesson for you, too, Jay. If you decide to become one of my warriors, training others to fight will be one of your duties.”

Caleb’s eyes flick from the king’s to mine, his brows furrow, clearly curious about what the king is talking about. I shift uncomfortably, avoiding his stare.

“Take the mutt, for instance.” The king moves around me to circle Caleb. “No matter how much I push him, he’ll take it like a good boy,” the king sneers in his ear.

The king disappears behind him, and Caleb shows no fear, no concern. Nothing but focus. And it’s kind of hot how brave he is.

I think back to the story Sam told me. Caleb was the only one to stand up to the king twice and live. Nobody does that.

Except him, my wolf purrs at Caleb’s dominance.

Even hotter, the king shoves him slightly and Caleb, like the solid guy he is, doesn’t let it affect him. He remains stoic. Unbothered. Secure in himself. The king is right—it does nothing to affect him.

“Now, why do you think that is, Jay?”

“I’m sorry, what?”

“Focus, Jay. Caleb isn’t motivated by what anyone does to him or says about him. Why do you think that is?”

I stare into Caleb’s eyes, and my entire body softens at him seeing me. “Because he’s secure in himself. It’s not the way to get to him.”

Caleb’s eyes soften at my compliment. Suddenly, I don’t feel confident I can withstand being this close to him, his stare. It’s starting to become too much.

“I would agree,” the king says. He rounds his way around Caleb, standing to his side. The king’s hands are behind his back, and he’s looking at the ground. “And . . . when thinking about your opponent—or in this case, your trainees—how might you choose to motivate someone like him?”

“I’d hurt someone he cares about.” I meet Caleb’s stare head-on, and his upper lip twitches at the idea.

I know I’m right. It’s what I love about him the most.

“Precisely.”

At the king’s statement, he grabs my neck and drags me backward from Caleb. The king doesn’t squeeze, I can breathe, but his grip is a vice I’m not getting out of.

Caleb’s eyes blaze with fury, and he growls.

“Easy, Caleb. She’s fine. See?”

I don’t even care that Dax has me pinned . . . It’s Caleb’s response that occupies every bit of my attention. If that’s what he does with fear, then . . . “What would happen if I wasn’t?”

Dax shrugs. “Do you want to find out?”

I take a beat to think about it, then decide to consult with my wolf.

How about it? Are we so desperate to find out that we’d consent to the strongest man alive hurting us?

Yup, we both say.

“Do it.”

With a crack, King Dax dislocates my shoulder, and I cry out at the sharp pain.

Caleb roars. He shifts and tackles the king from the side, pushing him off me.

I curl into the fetal position and watch their tussle unfold.

Caleb gives it everything he’s got—fighting the king better than I’ve seen him.

The king is smiling, shouting words of encouragement, impressed at Caleb’s ferocity.

Caleb still cares for me—and now I know just how much. It’s far from over. There’s hope for us yet.