34. The Bane Of My Existence
Like the castle, the dark grounds were deserted. I marched in silence through the damp grass, my attention fixed on the glimmer of silver I’d spotted in the distance.
I’d searched everywhere, and had begun to despair of ever finding Saeth when I’d glimpsed him grazing at the edge of the little copse of trees where I’d first seen Idris drawing. It made sense that the horse would linger near his master’s hiding place.
The impossible creature lifted his head at my approach, pricking his ears and nickering softly.
“Hi,” I whispered, despite not having seen another soul but me and Saeth. “Want to go for a ride?”
I swept my hand down his long, softly gleaming neck, and as though in answer, he nudged me with his velvet soft nose.
I smiled, but a rush of butterflies burst into flight in my belly. This was it. I was breaking free at last. “Just don’t let me fall, okay? I’m a bit of a novice.”
That was an understatement. I had no idea how to ride, let alone fly, but Saeth wasn’t an ordinary horse. Not for the first time, I got the distinct impression that he understood every word. He wouldn’t let me fall. As though proving my suspicions about his intelligence, he shifted his neatly tucked wing, lowering it for me.
“Okay.” I blew out a breath, shaking the tension from my arms and shoulders. I could do this. I’d flown with him before. Maybe this time I wouldn’t have a burly escort to cling on to, but I could do it. “I’ll just climb up, yeah? Don’t take off yet.”
Saeth snorted. I’d take that as a yes.
Before I could talk myself out of it, I clamped one shaking hand in his mane, planting the other on his broad back. My legs turned to jelly, but I somehow managed to climb up onto the wing joint as Idris had shown me, swinging my leg over Saeth’s round rump.
I was up. Just like my first ride, the ground was horribly far away. Trying not to look down, I shifted myself forward, positioning myself in what I hoped was the best place to sit, and wrapped the surprisingly coarse mane around both hands. With my knees wedged behind the wing joints, I was as secure as I was ever likely to be.
“Right.” Now the moment was upon me, I could think of a thousand reasons to slither down from my silver perch and march straight back to my room with its delightfully solid floor. “Okay.”
Saeth’s ears flickered in my direction, and the great wings inched low and wide. Oh God, I was going to throw up. I was going to die. What was I thinking?
A few decades and she’ll no longer be a problem.
My excuses fell silent.
“East,” I said, my voice as flat and cold as steel. East until dawn.”
When I’d ridden with Idris, Saeth had launched straight into a gallop, flapping his mighty wings until he gained the air, but this time, he broke into a steady, if bouncy trot. My fingers tightened, clinging to his mane as I jolted about on his back. After a few strides he picked up his pace, moving into a gentle, rocking gait. Though faster, it was easier to sit to, though my bottom shifted about hopelessly, and after a few strides, my confidence grew. I leaned forward, as Idris had done, and the wind caught my hair, tugging the downy strands around my hairline as the horse eased into a gallop.
Okay, this was fast.
I screwed my eyes shut, pouring every ounce of will and focus into staying aboard. My arse thudded relentlessly up and down, even with my knees wedged tight. The wings shifted on top of them, and I felt them beat a moment before we lifted into the air. The thud when we landed jolted through me, knocking me forward, but before I had time to panic, Saeth flapped again. And again.
An impossibly smooth motion, rising and falling gently like a boat on calm waves, replaced the thunderous rhythm of hooves. The wind roared in my ears, growing colder with every passing second. I squinted through my lashes and saw nothing but inky black sky and a ghostly mane, streaming before my face.
I’d done it.
I was free.
Despite my long sleeves and trousers, I was frozen solid by the time Saeth landed on a ridge, halfway up the side of a mountain. A dark cave yawned on one side, and a sheer, deadly drop plunged away on the other.
I slid down beside the cave, still clinging to the now tangled mane.
It was a relief to find solid ground, even if it was a little higher than I’d have liked. On the horizon, a faint peachy glow warred against the black of night. The sun was rising, and I was dropping.
Trying not to think of the disgustingly comfy bed I’d left behind, I crept into the cave. Saeth followed, the clop of his hooves echoing off the walls. God, I hated caves, but this one wasn’t the worst I’d ever been in. It was cold but dry, and it kept the freezing wind at bay. There was nothing I could use to light a fire, and the mountainside was barren and, truth be told, a deathtrap, but I could have stumbled upon a stack of firewood and still had no clue what to do with it.
Resigning myself to living with the bone-deep chill caused by several hours soaring through the night sky, I shrugged off my backpack and sank to the floor. My thighs ached and wobbled. Saeth hadn’t flown as high as he had with Idris, which was probably the only reason I didn’t have hypothermia.
“I’m going to try sleeping for a few hours,” I said. Saeth watched me with gentle, blue eyes as I dug my gloves out of my bag, stuffing my numb fingers inside. “Maybe you can fly down and find some grass, if you’re hungry?”
He swished his tail but made no move to leave.
I shrugged, diving back into my bag. “Here.” I tore my iced bun in half and tossed it at Saeth’s feet. He dropped his head, sniffing, and ate the treat in one bite.
I picked at my own half, trying to make it last. I hadn’t dared venture down to the kitchens for supplies, but, with Saeth’s speed, I hoped to be back in the human world by tomorrow. I wouldn’t starve to death in that time, but if I did, well… As Anwir had said, I was mortal. I was only hastening the inevitable. At least if I died now, I’d die free, which had to be better than spending my life living a lie with someone who was counting the days until he could be rid of me.
Sighing, I hugged my knees to my chest and watched the light creep toward my feet. Saeth had chosen an excellent spot. The sunrise bled across the sky, and I had an unrivalled view as the burning orange turned to peach, then gold before finally settling on blue. Only then did I curl up on the bare ground, propping my head on my arm, and try to sleep.
Tired as I was, sleep wouldn’t come. Not proper sleep anyway. I drifted on the edge of consciousness, never quite losing awareness of the unforgiving rock pressing against my hip, or the steady pulse of pain in my puncture wounds. Jacques’ jacket creaked every time I tried to squirm into a more comfortable position, tipping the scales in favour of wakefulness. But I did dream. Nonsense, for the most part, but nonsense that brought unease to my gut, even if I couldn’t grasp why. In the midst of aimless chaos, some parts made sense. I was being hunted. Foes lurked on every side, unseen, unheard, but felt. It was only a matter of time before someone caught me. I wandered, lost in pitch darkness, trying to find my way. Trying to avoid my assailants. Trying to get home.
But I wasn’t alone.
Jacques.
Thank God. I almost wept. A friend. I stumbled toward him, but when he reached out to catch me, his hands were tipped in claws. He lunged for me, opening his mouth wide. A mouth full of razor-sharp fangs.
I gasped, startling from my half-slumber, and found myself inches from a shadowy wall. The cave. I was safe. I’d broken free, and up here in the mountains, nothing would find me.
I took a few deep breaths, slowing my racing heart and taking stock of my body. I huddled in my jacket, curled against the wall for what little warmth I could find, but still chilled to my core, and stiff. Everywhere ached, and I was, if possible, even more exhausted than I’d been before I laid down to sleep.
Screwing my face up at my too-tight muscles, I pushed myself upright. I found myself face to face with a pair of yellow-green eyes.
“Jesus fucking Christ!” I scrambled away, earning myself a crack to the head as I collided with the wall. “What are you doing here?”
Idris, leaning against the mouth of my cave, his hair ruffling in the wind, seemed supremely unconcerned by the situation he’d found me in. He didn’t so much as blink as he said in a slightly accusatory tone, “You stole my horse.”
Massaging my head, I allowed myself a few seconds to compose myself. The prince was dressed for travelling. Gone were the fine, embroidered jackets. He wore a dark green cloak, and the hilts of twin blades peeked over each shoulder, strapped to him by way of a leather harness buckled over his chest. My gaze drifted to his hands, folded in his lap. His split knuckles had all but healed, leaving shiny, raw red skin, but I couldn’t help but notice the bandages peeking out from beneath his leather cuff. Maybe it wasn’t just pathetic mortals like myself who had a hard time healing venomous vampire bites. Satisfaction shot through me.
Idris had no right to accuse me of anything. I was the one who should be angry, and yet, after my unsettling dreams, I couldn’t help but breathe a little sigh of relief at his presence. It was idiotic, really. He was going to drag me back to Nairsgarth and force me to marry his brother, but even as he skewered me with his disapproving glare, I felt safe.
“Borrowed.” I shrugged with all the nonchalance I could muster. Saeth himself stood near the back of the cave, watching the exchange with doleful blue eyes. “How did you find me?”
Ignoring my question entirely, Idris said, “You’re lucky you didn’t fall to your death. Tell me” --he shifted, uncrossing his ankles and leaning forward, the better to glare at me-- “was it desperation or stupidity?”
Why should I answer his questions when he hadn’t bothered to tell me the truth? I folded my arms. “It was none of your business, Your Royal Highness.”
“I found you because I know you. Your room was empty. My horse was gone. There was only one place you could have gone. Home.”
I rolled my eyes at his assumption. He didn’t know me at all. “Well, obviously, but how did you find this cave?”
Idris’ smile was almost sympathetic. “It’s mine. Saeth knows all my favourite camps, and as this one lies near your route to the Blood Gate, it seemed the obvious place.”
He even knew which rift I’d used? “What are you? Some sort of mind reader?”
He huffed in amusement. “Just observant. You told me your arrival involved a lot of water, and I knew Sage had been the one to find you.” He shrugged. “It was obviously the Blood Gate.”
Arrogant bastard. I wished I’d never spoken a word to him if he was going to use them as ammunition.
“This is your cave then? You’ve camped here?” I couldn’t picture it. This fancy, polished prince, roughing it in a hole in the mountainside when he had palaces and castles at his disposal. Though, admittedly, he looked considerably less fancy in his travelling gear, but it only enhanced his unearthly good looks. How was it fair that he looked like that, and I probably looked exactly like I’d flown through the night and slept in a cave after having most of my blood drained by a vampire? I felt terrible and probably looked infinitely worse. Fleeing Tir o Haf had been one thing, but I couldn’t understand why anyone with a choice would want to sleep out in the wild. “Why?”
“It’s your turn to answer my question.”
I scowled, trying to summon some of my earlier anger, but whether it was exhaustion or my inexplicable relief at his presence, I failed. My shoulders sagged. “I overheard you talking to Anwir yesterday. I know everything. That’s why I left.”
Idris’s already fair face paled. “I didn’t want you to find out like that.”
“You didn’t want me to find out at all,” I snapped, but even as the words left my mouth, I knew they were false. Idris had told Anwir to tell me. Maybe not with any real conviction, but he’d advocated for me. It was more than anyone else would have done. “How long have you known he was lying to me?”
“Since you told me what he’d said about immortality. And, Aliza? I wanted you to know the truth. I wanted Anwir to be the one to tell you, but he refused, so I took matters into my own hands. That’s why I came by your room yesterday evening. I was planning to tell you myself.”
Instead, he’d found me half naked and half dead, with a vampire at my throat. My ears began to burn, but I wasn’t about to let my shame get the better of me. “What, exactly, did you plan on telling me?”
That I’d been wasting my time these past weeks? That the whole marriage fiasco didn’t matter because Anwir, pathetic liar that he was, was too cowardly to save the world? He’d bailed at every whisper of danger; how did anyone expect him to defeat Maelgwyn, even with me as a mascot? He was too afraid to use his lightning, even against the shades. Any children he’d tricked me into birthing would have no throne to inherit.
None of it mattered, and nothing would change. I’d risked my life for nothing. Hyacinth and Meadow had died for nothing.
Idris dropped my gaze, suddenly intensely interested in his hands. He flexed his fingers, stretching out the shiny red marks. “Anwir could give you immortality if he chose to. I could. Any fae. We all have the ability to do so, it’s an inherent magic, but it has its limitations. It can only be used once. In our long lives, we can only choose one person to bestow it on.”
Anwir’s words rang in my ears. “He didn’t want to waste it on me.” The human peasant. There was a witch he intended to immortalise, as though they didn’t live long enough already. Either that or the heir who had no hope of ever being conceived but who was already more valuable than me.
Idris grimaced and looked up. “When a mortal is changed, it creates an unbreakable bond between themselves and their fae. Many believe it to be a boon from our first queen, a chance to share our entire lives with anyone we choose. Historically, it has been used when a fae fell in love with a mortal, which was common enough before the curse. Not only would Anwir have, as you put it, wasted his gift, but he would have bound himself to you forever, and as you heard, he doesn’t want that. He loves another, and intends to use it on her. I’m sorry, Aliza.”
Well, that explained everything, except who this witch was. I opened my mouth to ask who, exactly, had stolen my promised reward, but before the words left my mouth, I decided I didn’t want to know. What difference did it make? “It’s fine. It doesn’t matter. I’m going home to live my mortal life with my mortal family and friends. That’s the way it’s supposed to be. I never wanted to marry him. I don’t even like him as a person. There was no chance I was going to go along with his plan to breed me. I don’t want kids with anyone, let alone him.” I gave a thin-lipped smile. “Even a crown and immortality couldn’t sway me on that.”
“I would have done it,” Idris said softly. “I would have made you immortal, but I knew you wanted to leave eventually. I knew you wouldn’t want to be tied to somebody like me.”
I blinked. “You would have used your gift on me?”
That couldn’t be right. Anwir had said Idris would never use it on me, not after he’d missed the chance to save his human wife. Then again, Anwir had said a lot of things that turned out to be stinking, great lies.
Idris nodded, once, his expression heartbreakingly tragic. “If you wanted it.”
My heart thudded against my ribs. My brain stalled. Idris, who wanted to hate me. Idris, who was mean and rude and wanted to throw himself out of the sky, would have given his one gift to me.
“But…” I gulped, reining in my rush of tangled emotions. “What about you? Why would you waste it?”
“You have a good heart. Do you forget that I knelt beside you while you battled to save the witch? And you were a friend to me when I had all but given up. You offered to stay, to free my people. You broke the curse, and immortality was to be your reward. My brother refused, but I would not consider it a waste.”
“Idris,” I breathed. I didn’t know what to say, how to respond. He was all but offering me eternal life. The gift that was meant for the woman he loved.
Who didn’t dream of living forever? My mind raced with all the things I could do with all that time. I would never get wrinkles. My hair would never turn white. My body would never sag and grow brittle and painful. But… Mum and Dad would die. My friends would grow old. Everyone I ever loved would eventually leave me to face the world alone, just like my vision in the tower had warned me. It was a bleak prospect. Lonely. A curse, not a gift.
“I wouldn’t want that,” I managed at last. “I mean, it’s an incredible offer, and so kind, don’t get me wrong, but I was never in this for the prizes. I only ever wanted to get back to my old life. It’s not that I wouldn’t want to be tied to you, I don’t want to be tied to anyone. I want to be free. I want to live my own life, even if it’s a lot shorter than yours. I don’t want to be left alone when everyone I love has gone.”
“I know.” Idris gave me a rare, if sad, smile. Who could understand the pain of loneliness better? “That’s why I’m going to help you leave instead. I’m going to make sure you get home. Let that be my gift to you.”
What remained of my defences crumbled, and tears filled my eyes. “You’re not here to take me back to Nairsgarth?”
The prince rose to his feet, unbuckling his cloak as he moved. He crossed to me, holding his head low to avoid grazing it on the cave roof, and sank down at my side. With a flourish, he draped the cloak around my shoulders, tucking it under my chin.
With his face only inches from mine, Idris met my gaze. He touched a finger to the point of my chin, his lips curving into a small smile. “Anything to piss off Anwir.”
I grinned, basking in the heat of his cloak sinking into my skin as giddiness bubbled inside me. I was going home. I was really, finally going home. Before I knew it, I’d be in my own bed, in my own room, and everything would be back to normal. Except… I’d be different. However unexpected and unwanted this adventure had been, it had changed me. I would carry the scars and memories with me for the rest of my life, never able to breathe a word of them to anyone, unless I fancied a stay in a psychiatric ward.
Maybe the thrill of my excitement was infectious, because Idris’ smile grew until I glimpsed his fangs. It lingered for a moment before fading into solemnity at the same time mine did, at the moment I considered the reality of leaving all of this behind.
“Would you like to teleport to the rift?” He peered into my eyes from beneath his errant lock of hair.
Would I? It would be quicker, but I was in no particular hurry to experience the crushing pressure and all-consuming nausea that came with teleportation. “How far away are we?”
His lips twitched into a ghost of a smirk, no doubt remembering how pathetic I’d been when we’d teleported the first time I met Saeth. “A few more hours of flying, or seconds of magic.”
“I’d rather fly, if that’s okay?” Let him laugh at my expense all he wanted, I wasn’t going to be here for much longer. Besides, as ready as I was to go home, a niggling part of me recoiled at the idea of saying goodbye now, when I’d thought I still had hours left.
“Of course it is. We’ll wait for nightfall, then continue under the cover of darkness. Try to get some more sleep,” he said softly. “This cave is warded. You’re safe here.”
I didn’t need to be told. I’d known I was safe the moment I’d opened my eyes.