Chapter 40
CLUTCH - HOLDING ON TO HOPE
Spring had come, and with it came the clearing of Four’s name.
Six months of him being under watch, careful of every little thing he did, all for crimes he didn’t commit…
. And we were lucky they didn’t know of all the ones we did.
As soon as he was cleared, Angel made plans with Cole for our MC to visit his ranch.
We travelled as a pack; Cal, Mara, and Marisol rode in one of the trucks with Gavin, who was never far from Mara these days. Haven rode with Four, while Cupcake rode solo in her first full run with the club.
What Cole had done was incredible, turning something negative into a place that helped. It was inspiring to see other clubs turning away from traditional club culture and moving in a new direction.
Cypher still hadn't found anything on a location for Bex, and I was at a point where it was starting to feel hopeless. The house was almost done, but I refused to stay there without her. All Mara and Haven would tell me is that she was safe. We were getting close to answers about who was at the top of the organization for the traffickers. But it was making me anxious that I hadn’t heard her voice or laid eyes on her in months.
It was when we got back from that run that Mara went to Angel in a panic, telling him the women who had helped her and Bex, was in trouble. She had been arrested a few days ago on false charges. Angel finally got in touch with her business partner Ava and offered our help in any way Remi needed.
So that was why less than a day after getting back to the clubhouse, Axel, Cypher, and I were on our way to pick up Remi Carter, with the offer to provide her shelter until everything cleared over.
I was nervous about how she would react when we met, how much Bex told her about me, and if she would be able to give me any more information about where my wife might be.
We were told to play it up and act like she was a part of the club.
What I wasn’t prepared for was how much she would remind me of Bex.
Similar build and hair. Where Remi’s eyes were hazel, Bex was a clear blue.
But it was what their eyes told you that felt so familiar.
She was young. similar in age to my wife, but they both held so much depth and maturity in the way they carried themselves, so much swirling in their eyes that you just knew they had seen more in their short lives than most everyone should.
I masked my shock as I jumped off my bike and walked right for her. Playing the roll Angel had told me I had been requested to play.
“There she is,” I laid it on thick for anyone who could be watching. “You gonna stay outta trouble now, baby cakes? Be a good girl for your man?”
Remi blinked at me with a wide eyed confused look that made me mask a laugh with a grin. I felt all kinds of eyes on me, but I was here for the women who was there for Bex when I wasn’t.
Remi started to move, stepping down the stairs, I met her wrapping my arm around her waist, tugging her into a hug so that only she would hear me.
“Play with me Remi, Mara sent us to make sure you are safe. I am going to tuck your face into my hands so it looks like you are mine, ok.”
She relaxed into me, and gave me a subtle nod. So I cupped her cheek and tucked my head down just enough that from any other angle it would look like we were locked in a kiss.
Then I leaned back just enough for everyone to hear, “Ready to get on the back of my bike, baby?”
Remi stared at me for a beat and softly said, “I thought that was supposed to mean something.”
It does. It means so much.
I masked my grief with a grin and answered her as honestly as I could. “If my ol’ lady was still around, she wouldn’t mind… not for you.”
Remi went still, something that looked like she was debating between fight or flight.
So I leaned in again, I dropped the mask, let her see my grief, regret and appreciation for what she had done for Bex.
In a voice low enough that only those closest to us could hear, I told her my truth, “I screwed up, darling, bad. I did her wrong. Broke us. Broke her. You were the one who put her back together. She left and I was pissed for a minute, but then I got my head outta my ass and realized… You did something I never did. You put her first.”
Remi’s eyes glassed over, like she was holding back tears.
I kept going, trying to keep my own tears back as best I could, “I’m still holding onto hope she’ll come back. Claim her spot with me. But until then, she’d be good with this. With you.”
I closed my eyes for a moment, to try and get back into the character I needed to play to keep her safe. When I opened them I gave her a smile and asked, “So… what do you say, Remi? Shall we put on a show?”
She still looked unsure, but we needed to get moving and I had to make this look real.
Bex forgive me, baby.
I pulled back twisting, so I could give her ass a smack to get her moving and make us look comfortable together. Then before she could react, I turned back to my bike, mounting it while she followed, a stunned look on her face.
I took a deep breath and then handed her Bex’s helmet, trying to keep the shake out of my hand, before moving to adjust the strap.
No women had ever been on the back of my bike or worn that helmet but Bex.
As I secured the strap, I noticed a bruise along her jaw and saw red.
I didn’t protect my wife when I should have.
I failed her, but I had the opportunity to be here now for the women who took her in and made sure she was safe.
Even if it meant she was keeping her from me.
I brushed my thumb softly across the bruise on her jaw, and said, "I will keep you safe."
Guilt hit me hard, but I couldn’t change my past. I could do better now.
I swallowed down the discomfort of having anyone else on the back of my bike and said, “Trust me. Hold tight. Move with my body.”
Remi nodded, eyes wide and vulnerable, as she climbed on behind me.
Without another word I started up the bike, motioned for Axel to take the lead and drove away from the precinct, with Cypher on our tail.
Remi spent 5 days at the clubhouse and I don’t know of a single person who didn’t take advantage of her being in our care.
Remi instantly gravitated to Marisol and it didn’t take her long to get her talking and even recommend someone for her to talk to that was closer to the clubhouse.
Four spent a lot of time talking to her, I wasn’t sure if it was for him or for Cal, but he seemed calmer than he had in months.
It was the fourth night she was there, when we were sitting out by a fire on an unseasonably warm night.
She wanted something sweet and Dani suggested smores.
She had asked me to tell her more about my Ol’ Lady.
I was surprised that she didn’t know who I was, maybe Bex hadn’t told her about me, about us.
So I started to talk, tell her about what I had done, what I had allowed.
Remi was far too quiet and when I turned to look at her she had a sad look on her face, she swallowed hard and asked, "You're Declan?”
I don't know why hearing my name like that caused such a reaction, but a tear slipped free and all I could do was nod.
“Ohhhhh…” slipped out of her like it was a breath she was holding. She studied me for a moment and then looked back at the fire.
She hummed to herself while finishing off her smore and then wiped her hands on her pants, still looking at the fire she asked, “You haven’t seen or heard from her since?”
It felt like the words were trapped in my throat, so I shook my head and then looked at the fire, wiping the tears away from my face.
We sat in silence for a while and then it felt like the words that wouldn't come earlier all came bubbling up at once. “It’s killing me not seeing her, not hearing her voice… Her laugh. I fucked up, I destroyed us and at first I thought it was just at the end. But I realized that I had been slowly breaking us for a long time and she… she was slowly shrinking, disappearing and instead of recognizing that… seeing what was actually happening it pissed me off and then I would push. I said things… I…”
I took in a ragged breath feeling like everything was trying to claw its way out of me.
Tears slipped free faster now, “I wasn’t a good husband, Remi. I wasn’t. But I want to be. I want to fix it. I love her. Even though I probably didn’t show it. She probably doesn’t believe it. I want her to know that she is safe with me. That I made it safe for her…”
I buried my face in my hands, trying to slow the tears.
She gave me a few minutes to calm myself and then quietly she asked, “How have you made it safe for her?”
We sat for hours talking about everything that had happened since Bex left, everything that led up to it, how I had found her parents, the house and the property and that I hadn’t stopped thinking about her.
At the end of the night I walked her to the room she was staying in and before she walked in she turned to me and asked, “What happens if she never comes back?”
It wasn’t the first time someone had asked me that question, but it was the first time I felt like I knew the answer.
“Then I will die loving her, knowing that I didn’t earn her love back.”
We stood there silently in the hallway for what felt like forever, her eyes trailing over my face, before she nodded and turned walking into her room.